Christmas Eve

Almost forgot. The Christmas Eve stories of my job and my life. Let's start with the Child Protection office. Newborn with recent heart surgery sent home with maternal aunt. She will likely not be able to care adequately for this child but the doctors at the hospital felt it was in baby V's best interest. Who am I to argue with that august group? Maternal aunt is probably not prepared to be awake at night; to have to go to the medical appointment followups; and to deal with the diabetic and character-disordered dad and soon-to-be-released from prison sister (who has her own mental health issues).

Supervised visit for Mom #2. She was fraught with panic on Friday because the SV center would not allow her child with a contagious infection to visit. Never mind that Mom needs to get into and stay in CD treatment, address her bi-polar disorder and domestic abuse issues. Get her a d*#n visit ASAP. Scheduled visit and mom began to pick at the care of the child - socks don't fit; clothes are ugly; not taking care of my baby like I would "take care" of her. Did not ask about the infection or anything else except when is my next visit! She has been on my caseload since Thursday morning and i have spent hours dealing with her issues already. Not a good sign.

Mom who let the Level III sex offender "keep his stuff" at her house. She is not remorseful and does not see why Child Protection would be concerned. Father of her two younger children indicated no concern for him either as the perp had adolescent victims in the past and his kids are toddlers. Never mind that he did not ever finish sex offender treatment. These are your neighbors folks. Walking and breathing and waiting for you to relax for just a minute. They are preying upon your kids at My Space and Facebook and lord knows where else. I suppose chat rooms and gaming sites. Well Mom did not get the kids back home - they went to Paternal Grandmother. We will see how long that lasts.

My mother finally surfaced from her most recent "desaparecido". She did not have CNAs available so Ms POA simply decided to take her to her home (I suppose)! No notice to anyone or need to comply with orders that she pretends exist for Mom to have a CNA at all times. She makes me mad. I will get a chance to speak and laugh with my mother for a couple days now. I anticipate she will be more relaxed and at ease. No fussing CNAs or busybody worry wart types trying to quietly kill her. Long may she live. Kids will also be excited to talk with her.

Time for a shower. Kids will be walking in the door soon, bursting with enthusiasm to open Christmas Day presents. Let the mayhem ensue.

Merry Christmas everyone. Peace on this Earth, for at least a few minutes today.

Patty Cake

Portrait sessions are coming along. Word of mouth really is the best advertising you can get. This mother and daughters session may have been the most fun I have had this week. Once everyone loosened up and we started to play, the session time started to fly. Here is one daughter doing something she and her mother usually do. We worked at having the girls be themselves in front of the camera. I will have to send the photos in because they are still on my laptop.

chest cold

have had this annoying chest cold for days. at first it was a nuisance, but the air quality here in town really stinks right now. that means more wheezing and hacking and coughing. i don't want to go running off to the doctor's office, but i know what happened before. i let it continue and had pneumonia. two weeks in bed and so tired i could hardly stand. bad news if that goes this way again. can't coach basketball from the bedroom. so that means i have to endure the poking and prodding and questions at the clinic so that they can tell me what i already know. prednisone for two weeks and then call if the symptoms have not changed enough. do what i must do. do what i must do. do what i must do. takes too much time from work for all this, but better now than later.

My Favorite

The best photograph I have taken in the past couple of weeks was thought out and planned. I was wearing my therapist/social worker hat at the moment that I was inspired, but managed to let my right and left brains talk it out. Here is the result of not stepping on my own creativity. The family likes it too!

Christmas Countdown

We (meaning my wife) finally coaxed the three of us into putting up a Christmas tree. First time in many years that we have not made it out to the lot to fuss and argue over cedars, pines and spruces. Fake tree, ugly tree. We are only home a few days this holiday season because we are taking much needed breaks from school and work.

We are working at getting into the spirit of this important holiday season. There is just so much stuff. Medical procedures, picking out new phones for my recalcitrant teen, work, family, shopping, dogs, photography workshops, portrait sessions, freebies for friends and family. Recent works can be found on flickr and zenfolio. Hope you find some peace in the craziness.

I Don't Want to be Here Anymore!

My daughter managed to forget her key to the house again. She used this as an excuse to hang out with her friends for three hours this afternoon. She was so cheery when I tracked her down at the friend's house. Of course, she walked in the door angry and ready to shoot bear. I tried to engage her in the simplest of conversations, but she gave me the cold shoulder. I put my foot down and told her I could simply wait it out. I then told them (her) about my taxing day. I think I got her attention. She talked and talked and talked. Then after the talking came the spewing of many days (maybe weeks) of unmoderated anger. Dumping all her hurts and fears on her dad. I listened and she played her best pity cards; you don't give me strokes or good feedback; you don't listen to me; I am always wrong. No go. No tears from me this time.

Studio Family Session

this was the first family session I have had this year. We had some fun, with the two of us rolling around on the floor. This first photograph was an "accident as I had left the Fuji S3 in b/w mode. I liked what I saw though a decided to keep it. His father, step-mom and grandmother were there with him as well. But nothing beats the pure joy of shooting with a free thinking child.

We jumped and kicked our way into some pleasant and fun poses. Here he was able to just lie down on the seamless and talk with me, while I asked him questions about sports teams. He likes the Vikings and his favorite NBA player is Yao Ming. His dad likes da Bears, though so I guess Sundays are tough going at his house.

Last but not least, to wrap it all up before the rest of the family came in. We just got to be a kid thing. He started by taking some quick images of his dad.

Just as I was about to leave, I got a phone call from one of my oldest college friends. We had a great chat about family and connections. Photos help bring all that together for me.

Dance

Crayon Dance, originally uploaded by Lukasia.

sometimes you have to get out of the rut you find yourself in. doing the same things over and over again does not make one creative, although it might mean one is productive. i like this photo as a simple b/w photo. it has some emotional intensity to it. i simply wanted to play a bit with PSE5. this is the result. some may like it; most probably won't. life is like that. if we only do things to make others happy, we lose ourselves in the process of doing so. even though we are a more independent society than most Asian nations, we still have pressure to succumb to what is the dangerous "middle ground" of mediocrity.

yesterday, my lame sister sent us all another cheery email extolling her generosity as a guardian for my mother. unfortunately she gave permission for us to "ignore" a court order that does not exist. she continues to practice Mickey Mouse law. i have also come to understand that she thinks of The Law as a penultimate practice. she confuses legality with ethical or fair or just. she must know that the lawyers created The Law for their own benefit using cheesy language to obfuscate reality. she thinks that because she tackled law school, that she has transcended non-law school mere mortals. underestimate your enemy and you have probably already committed a grievous error, perhaps fatal.

so mediocrity or creativity. there is room for both. we can't always seek to excel everywhere. let others take the lead at times. go for it.

Melissa on Stairs

Melissa on Stairs b and w, originally uploaded by Lukasia.

My wife "hired" me to take the 60th year photos for one of her co-workers. I asked for the details and she filled me in. No sooner than we get there she becomes the Art Director and boss. I think this is common for her - to be in charge and to assume that she knows it all. That makes it hard for me to "work" for her. Not likely to happen again. She was not there to assist me, but to give her unsolicited advice. Here is one of my rebel images. Not too bad, if I must say so myself.

Tonight as I try to finish the post processing, she is bugging me with details of her life. Complaints, needing to share, etc. You probably get the message. Of course, she has not followed up and looked at the video on the desktop; she has not done any of the things she thinks should be done. But she certainly is ready to let me know what she does not like; and why she does not like what she does not like. Maybe this is what being a middle-manager is all about. Frustration reigns.

Happy Home

Porn video found on my daughter's desktop. She is 13 years young. It was fairly graphic. I immediately put a password on her user account. I know it is only a stopgap method and I have more snooping and work to do, but she will be surprised when she can't login to her myspace account this afternoon. Maybe she will get some homework done. I am weary now and I have years to go before I sleep soundly again.

Family

Visiting with family for the holiday. The two little girls are from a wedding I attended this summer. The soldier boy is an old old photo of my father. Those of you who personally know me will see an uncanny resemblance between me and the young man in this photo. Incredible resemblance. Sometimes you can't escape from family no matter how hard you want to...this is just reminder that even though that crazy lady in that other place is doing unquestionable things to me. That the old fat fart is still my sister. We are biologically linked. We have history that outweighs all the crap that has transpired over the last few years. But I can't just ignore what the dickens has allowed to transpire within her own family. I can't forget that she facilitated jailing my sister; that she was so ignorantly disrespectful to my father; that she has treated my mother like a total stranger. So I am stuck. Can she come home again? How much time for penance would be adequate? Should we forgive? Certainly not forget what happened! She is our own version of Hitler or Mussolini. She is our own family fascist. That in itself says it all. We can't forgive the fascists because they will do it again. There is only herself. Not a mother or father or family member. Just a self righteous pompous pitiful pflug. No resemblance...no coming home again.

Pessimism

Some people always focus on what they do not have. They could have a pot of gold in the cupboards of their house. These pessimists would see that they did not have a new car...new boat...new house. Kills the joy of interacting with people when they act this way. We have it good here. We have jobs and taxes. We have clean water and relatively clean air. We have the ability to recreate in places all over the globe. Sometimes it isn't enough. I am weary of negative people. I am frustrated by all the naysayers. Enough already.

Tough Day Today

Kids are all right...my wife is all right...dogs and pets are all right. Should feel good, but it doesn't. There were too many issues at work. People wanting something and not doing it. People asking without listening. People talking without hearing what others have to say. People waiting for others to do the work so that they are able to take the credit. Sometimes it just does not feel fair. Know what I mean?

Bills

Since we started paying the lawyer for legal advice I have been perpetually broke. Always just one step behind some creditor. I hate this. No money to eat out; no money for this thing or that. I know that this is temporary. Eventually I will see the light of day again. I will not hate my sister for dragging our family into this abyss of dysfunction. I will have a regular relationship again with my siblings and money will be the least of my concerns. That time is actually already here. After the family of origin stress there is my own family of creation stress.

Of course, all this happened at the same time that I am paying for braces for my daughter. She also wants to see a therapist now because she has teenage angst and identity problems. I know who she is. She is the slob who lives in our basement and cranks up the music loud enough to disturb the neighbors. She is the ungrateful soul who mocks the house work here that keeps her warm and cozy. She is the petulant little wretch who throws her clean clothes on the floor after they have been washed, dryed, folded and placed in her room (no one allowed in her dresser or the closet). She is the little monster who is transforming back into a human being. I pray that I was not this horrible as a teen. I doubt that I could have been because I think I would have been dead thirty plus years now. My father would have killed me.

I guess you just have to keep on the path. One foot in front of the other.

Blah

no recent photos to upload onto the computer so we have to go to the archives to find something...as many of you know this is one of my favorites. simple elegant abstract. three qualities I value in photography. so why the hell am I aspiring to shoot fashion/glamor? could it just be a parade of beautiful Kate Moss-like models? Maybe the bright lights and promises of popularity? Maybe it is just being around the beautiful people for awhile? I don't have a ready answer. I can say this for sure - it is more work dealing with people and the myriad of possibilities and personalities. Landscapes change but usually over time (think San Diego and Pompei). Working with people is like being on an emotional roller coaster.

Flickr Walk

today i ventured far out of my shell. i met up with other photographers, walked around the LRT stops and shot photos and talked with them. for those who do not know me well, consider this just short of a miracle. the camera part is normal. i could easily have done this alone, but the challenge was to actually interact and talk with others. sort of a real "cameradie". so we laughed and talked about safe things, camera makes, camera bodies, film, etc. somehow we still managed to get to know each other. where we work, relationship status, likes, jobs, hangouts, other interests. this was a film walk so there are no photos to post yet. come back to see what i harvested.

We Die A Little Every Day

Being married lately is a little bit like getting my heart broken almost every day. A stab here, a kick there. Tonight my wife asked me if I am having an affair (out of the clear blue sky). When I was over the shock of the question, I answered NO, emphatically, and started to ask her what prompted this question. No sooner than the question is out of her mouth she asks me about Christmas in San Diego. Non sequitur anonymous.

Jade

Jade, originally uploaded by Lukasia.

another beautiful image from last weekend. i thought about adding this after watching two very sad episodes on TV. Grey's Anatomy and ER. Life is full of surprises and pain. It all depends how we look at the pain that we experience.

I'm a Butt

according to my wife. I am always a butt when I will not give her what she wants. Of course, I do not really believe that this makes me a butt; only that this is what she thinks. So I will just have to listen to the verbal assaults and maintain my inner integrity. It is not easy though.

Onyx

Onyx, originally uploaded by Lukasia.

I really needed some joy in my day. Yesterday a couple co-workers and I got together to start her jewelry catalog. She brought crackers and cheese, a bottle of vino and some sausage. One applied makeup while I shot with the models. One pulled out jewelry so that we had a nice assembly line going.

Today my wife went to pick up our son from the sleepover that resulted from the failed birthday party. See we all tooled off to the skating rink and waited for Mom and the birthday boy. She called to say she was having car problems. She called back an hour later to say it just wasn't going to happen. The two boys I was supervising had presents and money to spend. We arranged to get the boys off to the house of the birthday boy. My son decided to sleepover. Fast forward to the beginning of this paragraph. When my wife arrived, there was no adult in the house. The birthday boy just turned 10. He did not know where his mother was. My wife called me and I in turn had to call the screening unit. My guess is that even though the aunt showed up later, the police will still have taken the three children off to shelter for the night. This really shook up my wife.

Today was the Circus of the Heart. I shot portraits for families this afternoon. We printed them out as fast as we could. I think it was somewhere near 125 or so. Everyone was thankful. Surprise to me that they gave me the 2007 Volunteer of the Year Award. It had a plaque and some chocolate. Good deal.

So This is It!

My nieces came to visit tonight. Their mom was working. Dad was out pheasant hunting. We had spaghetti and one less child for dinner than anticipated. He was upset because his pet rat died. I told him when I picked him up from the after school program. He cried. I shriveled up and died a bit inside. It is painful to watch your progeny in tears.

Yeah, I Am Talking to You!

Blah Blah Blah. You did this. Why didn't you do this? I am perfect, you are not! You screwed up my life. I don't like the way you did this thing. I am going to make a report. Why can't you be more like me?

Sound familiar? Does to me. This is what I hear all day long. People trying to put or to keep me inside the little box they have created for me. I resist, even if resistance is futile. I will continue to define myself. I will continue to allow others to define themselves. We need room to grow. Even plants get a new pot once in awhile. People paint the rooms in their homes; they upgrade or change furniture and get new cars. Why do we insist on trying to make others be the same as always while stressing our need to change? Imagine the freedom this could give us.

Yellow Leaves

Yellow Leaves, originally uploaded by Lukasia.

I have been away for a few days. It is not of laziness, but time has been short. Taking a wedding photo class in Minneapolis. It is not quite what I had anticipated so far, but there are a few weeks left. Mostly talking about shooting weddings - contracts, prep work, getting clients. I was hoping for more of the hands on posing work and creative input.

OMG!

OMG!, originally uploaded by Lukasia.

Today was one of those days. The issues I left on my desk at work were waiting impatiently for me when I arrived. Here is a summary.

The 17 year old who was assaulted by her BF had been held captive for 2 days. The BF lives next door to mom. Mom had not been concerned about her daughter because she comes and goes all the time. See this mom provides little supervision for her sexually active teen daughter. So here is the summary from the police incident report. She was choked, until unconscious, beaten about the face enough to give her two "black eyes" and a head laceration, and a broken nose. The broken nose can't be reset until the swelling goes down. The CAT scan turned up negative for any serious cranial injuries.

I was appalled that mom did not know where her daughter was for two days. I guess I have to stop judging families by my middle class expectations. I guess if one of my kids were MIA for two days, I would have already called the FBI. Maybe I watch too much TV.

This mom is supposed to be in individual therapy. She is supposed to attend a victims group at our local domestic abuse counseling center. She is supposed to see her other daughter once a week minimum - has not seen her in two months now. She is supposed to cooperate with the in-home therapist. No go.

Issue no. 2 - Mother who has already transferred custody of her young son is fighting to get custody of her older child. She is 9 1/2 months pregnant. She won't attend therapy. She won't cooperate with her son's therapist and she will not get her regular UAs. Her son in OOHP now almost a year - 6 months past the federal guidelines. Can't convince her to honorably do the right thing. Trial next month. It will be horrible. We will have to add the newborn to the current petition.

No. 3 - Mother with ten kids. All have developmental and emotional problems. Bedwetting, encopresis, sexual acting out, illiteracy, violence and more. Mom is convinced that her children picked up on this in foster care. One child had such severe seizures that he had to have a partial hemispherectomy. Her eldest on run after assaulting another relative regarding kicking his mother out of the house.

There is more, but I have to save some for the November Blog Month posting.

Ode to Joy

i raced from home to the airport this morning. see today was one of those rare wonderful days in my work life. a happy ending to a story that started with tragedy. paternal grandmother (PGM) was coming to court to assume responsibilty for her grandson. his mother deceased a few years back in an automobile accident; his father unable to take the pressure and resistant to therapy just could not meet the emotional needs of this one high strung child - he beat him frequently.

he did it because he wanted his son to grow up to be a strong and independent black man. he strived to beat him into submission in order to save his life. i worked with him and tried to engage him in therapy - to no avail. he continued smoking pot (he is a DJ) and resisted any attempts to get him to modify his lifestyle. no go.

enter PGM. she is a saint, taking in this child who has been abused and who has used the system to his advantage. dad never did look at the situation from a healthy perspective. he only wanted to have his son back; he gave little thought to what it might mean to have his son back fully empowered. the beatings resumed when the child was returned home.

out of home again. this time PGM to the rescue. she made no excuses for the behavior of her own child and said she would do whatever is necessary for this little one to have the kind of home she knows that he deserves. end of this story, but it is an unusually happy ending. give someone a hug today for me. the world is an OK place.

Sinners

Let's Make a Negative a Positive, originally uploaded by Lukasia.

One part of me wants to know what goes on inside a place with this kind of name. Knowing that it is in the sex district also makes me certain that the name is just the tip of an iceberg waiting to sink my seaworthy relationship if I should be found anywhere near this. Lots of ideas and lots of suggestion. That is a woman's body in neon for me. I can imagine that she is partly clothed or nude. But what is really the point of a place called sinners. Imagine the boys spouting off to the wives that they are headed out to Sinners for a beer. Protests come from the wives and GFs but the men ad lib and tell them that the TVs are special here. Or perhaps there is a certainly quality of conversation that can only be found in a Sinners-like environment.

But that is not really the issue for me. Why do we still have places like Sinners? Are our sex lives so poor that we have to go out and ogle strangers? What is it that we get when we see the women spread-eagled or whatever your fancy? I am not sure that it would mean much to me at all. Or maybe it is that my hormones are low and I could use a testosterone boost! Who cares is what I say.

Blue

There are a few things that are/were significant this week. One of them would be a court hearing; another TLC, means another altered family structure. I have had to tell people painful things this week. I am emotionally fried. I am sad for the kids, happy for my work load. I got another new case today. The mother gave up on her kids a few years ago. They were living with their grandmother who is using again. Positive for coke. Now they live with their family friend Ole Savior . Have to talk about all the crazy things that happen except it does not really do us any good. Sometimes we have to use fostercare. Sometimes we just do the best we can. Still not enough.

Mental Health Day

Sometimes work is so hard. I went into a supervised visitation agency on Saturday because there were people who were concerned about a confrontation between the mom with ten kids and the four foster parents who care for her children. Interestingly enough she was not there on Saturday. I suspect that she had been arrested, for either the new assault charges or the probation violation. Still there is a tension that surrounds this kind of work violence. Always the threat of violence in my job. It would not be so bad if the constant worry about my family and my home could be avoided. My kids and wife did not sign on to the sometimes paralyzing fear that means knocking on a door could result in gunshots; or that a home visit might mean being ambushed and possibly tortured. But the real threats are few. Mostly toothless wolves barking and attempting to frighten.

Sorrow

Another family with another TPR...Mom's was voluntary; Dad's was not. I stopped by supervised visitation today to tell him. He wanted to put on a show for everyone. I resisted and patiently waited for him. The little girl cried and cried when he snatched her away from the foster parent. It was ugly. She cried for almost 15 minutes. Somehow she was soothed and calmed down. The sounds of these children crying is nerve grating to me. Especially this SOB dad who is so disrespectful to everyone. I am tired of the snippiness and disrespect that surrounds me. Everyone wants something but few are willing to give something. I am not looking for a fair trade or an even deal; I simply want to know that others appreciate the energy and time and love and patience and understanding that often goes into what is given. Is that too very much to ask?

Just Catching You Up with Me!

There is a whole lot of stuff going down. War and rumors of war in Iraq. Civil unrest in the Far East. I guess Myanmar doesn't have natural resources that we covet. Or maybe we fear the Great Red Peril. Lots of murder and mayhem right here at home. Interest rates are being manipulated by the Federal Reserve. My wife screaming about 4% pay raises for U of M union employees yet making a tough decision today whether to offer a new employee 58K or 59K and having to bump a senior employee up to 60K (8% raise she says). Glaring hypocrisy there. After all as she says the damn union employees are lucky to have jobs at all. I feel a change a comin'. Maybe this is the war that Bob Marley sang of.

Today I talked with social workers about a Mom who assisted and abetted her 15-year-old son in an assault against family members. We are not sure if it is intimidation or gang initiation, but this pretty much seals those ten kids (count 'em) from ever returning to her care. She is already on probation for an assault. The son is also on probation for an assault and escape status from a juvenile correctional facility. Ouch. Another broken family that we can put band-aids on and move them on out the door. Triage 'em and move them on to somewhere else. We handle on the crisis cases. Stabilize them and send them back into the community. Define stabilization I say.

Dead Bird

A bird flew into the picture window here at our house this morning. It landed with a thud and fell to the ground. It simply died there in the garden. It hurt to watch that little bird die. I couldn't think of what to say about the bird. I hope that death was swift and relatively painless for the bird. I also hope that all the deaths were painless today. We could simply take time to be more aware of what goes on around us. That little bird.

Fatso's

 

There is an upscale burger joint in the warehouse district in Minneapolis. I ate lunch there with two of my co-workers. I would say it is Uptown meets Steakhouse. The burgers are made with Black Angus beef. The decor is stainless steel and diner shiny. The tables are all hightops. The lemonade was tart. The standard burger comes in a half pound size. And for the truly adventurous they have a 3 pound burger special. Those that are brave enough to eat that burger are probably carried directly by ambulance to the cardiac care unit. Tasty buttery bun and crispy fries to top this all off. I might go again and try something other than the 1/4 lightweight burger with bacon that I ate. Thumbs up!

Autumn Day

Autumn Day, originally uploaded by Lukasia.

A year has passed since my mother last graced the home where I live. She is still be held captive by an uncooperative sister who presumes to know all because she is an attorney. This continues to gnaw at me. These are the autumn years of our mother's life and she is being held ransom for some small amount of money. My sister is really not all that different from some of the most vile clients with whom I have worked (suffered) in my many years as a probation officer and child protection worker.

The energy she expends fighting family could be put to good use. Since she is the "smartest" of all the children she should best see how devastating the past few years have been to our family. She most capably as an attorney could use the law to rectify what she started. She most certainly could use her superior intelligence to course through the institutions and bureaucracy to give her the golden years that our mother worked so hard to achieve.

Alas, that is not the case. Intelligence and brilliance turned away from good is simply evil. Nothing can change that.

Families

they are funny institutions. this week i have been immersed in family stuff. visiting my uncle this week in Chicago because i have a work obligation there related to families involved in Child Protection back here in Minneapolis. it means that i miss a night with my kids and will be away from home. i try hard to avoid this, especially for work, but this particular family is so very dysfunctional that it behooves me to do this. so i fly into Midway tonight, leave with my uncle and go back to this event all day tomorrow. i am not hopeful that we will be able to offer this family the assitance it needs in resolving child custody and care issues. mom has too many unresolved parenting crises, traumatic events in her life that have not even begun to heal; loss, unresolved grief, identity confusion and she has ten kids by at least five different men. the kids all have issues too - behavioral problems, encopresis, incontinence, emotional problems, grief, separation and loss issues for a start. we did not break this family and i am certainly sure that we will not put this one back together. i am not sure that is our job. that is why i am going to Chicago with Mom. we hope to have the family come up with a workable solution to this issue. what do you think?

too bad my sister can't understand the power of family and what it can accomplish. i continue to wait for some kind of response from the court regarding the care of my mother. the longer i wait, the more concerned i get. the more concerned i get the less patience i have with what i already think is a corrupt court process. but then why do i think the process should be fair (read: just)? naivete? idealistis? pollyannaish? how about simple hopeful...and wishful that my mother's life matters enough to someone who cares!

Slump

i am in the midst of a slump...emotionally, creatively, spiritually. seems that everything i touch or contemplate comes back to bite me. i am trying to be introspective about this all, but it continues to elude me. just a few weeks ago i had high hopes for new successes. my energy was good, my spirits high and i was not so easily annoyed by the vagaries of the world around me.

maybe it is a symptom of my age or cohort group. looking back at what we have done (and more importantly what we have not done) is weighting heavily upon me. we have reached new lows (tabloid journalism, idol worship, folly like the Bridge to Nowhere) and we do not even seem to care. Global warming, environmental destruction, reducing the air quality again, polluting our waters, buying and selling junk and tainted items for the sake of the Holy Dollar.

sometimes i think it would be fabulous to disconnect from all this craziness. have a simple house away from this all, with environmentally friendly people surrounding me. i could buy my food locally (but that means no strawberries in the winter), use recycled and refurbished products, get off the electric and power grids with some expensive alternative energy sources and then what....what would i do? how would this affect my children? would we be the family of kooks who lived down the lane? would people think that i was some kind of nut or fanatic? would the FBI and DHS have an active file on me; monitor my internet and e-mail activity? i don't know!

Tuning the Harp

Tuning the Harp, originally uploaded by Lukasia.

While my wife impatiently awaited the processing of the photos from the dance, I was still working on the photos I took for my pleasure this weekend. I was at my first gallery show. Click the link above to see who we are. It was a gas. I enjoyed talking with people about the photographs - mine as well as those of the other photographers. We are a diverse group, spread around the globe encompassing three continents and four countries. This harp was played by a 16 year old. It is a beautiful instrument. I am still not sure I captured the beauty I was able to see. He tuned; she played a few minutes later. Wonderful.

That Shows Where I Rank

The gallery opening was a success. I had a wonderful time meeting the guys from the group. We had some time to joke and laugh and get to know each other. Then the throngs of people flooded our intimate little space and started talking about the photos. 11 artists; more than 70 photos; 4 countries; 3 continents; 6 states represented. Prints look so much better hanging on the wall than spread out across a flat screen. These photos were awesome. There were rich blacks and starchy whites; brilliant color and beautiful pastels. You had to be there. But she wasn't. She was here practicing for her performance....I made it back in time to attend. Are my pictures done yet!? Impatience reigns. I have been busy. That Shows Where I Rank. I guess it does!

it has been an incredible week. emotions are running high at our house. that usually means i have to keep a lid on it. pre-teen daughter, son who has elected not to play football, strike at the U. my wife is an admin there and she has little patience for the "whining" proletariat. i asked her how much the football and basketball coaches make and she spouted the usual market economy analysis. unfortunately the few that have are more determined than ever to hold onto what they have. that means this is going to be a long strike and there will continue to be dissention at Chez Moi.

kids are back in school. hooray...summer was taking its toll on my finances and my sleep. photography

Thinking

why do we have so many people who will do wrong if given a choice? makes you stop and think. I like people but they can try patience. l want others to be happy but not at the expense of others. It has been a tough week, only wishes! Well, there is always photography-go to http://giftshopco-op.com to learn more about this new venture. if you live in the TCs, visit the shop on 35th St. and Minnehaha. Shop for unique gifts and art there.

this should prove to be an interesting election year. hate will be the by-word. America as we know it will be different this time next year. Iraq, monetary policy, racial politics (disguised as immigration policy), aging and cuts to social services. where are the brave now? what freedoms will we have left when the DHS finishes dismantling the protections that we so fiercely fought to win?

Gone

Will be on vacation for a couple of days. This is good news as I need a break from the chauffering and monitoring and cooking. Get to share that with someone else for a while. There will be other adults there as well; kids can play together or not but there will be company other than each other for a spell. I am guessing the 13 year old wants to isolate herself from anyone and anything that does not meet with her approval - but she is not judgmental. Hypocrisy is what she looks for and thus finds with everyone with whom she comes into contact. Tough to be judging everyone and everything you know. In the absence of the familiar, one has to fabricate or CREATE normalcy. What does it feel like? What does it look like? Through the eyes of a young woman who is struggling to define and re-define who she is and who she wants to be, this real work.

There are so many pressures that exert themselves on the weakened psyches of our children cum adults. Music, movies, TV, pop culture, religion, drugs, sex and sex appeal, adults, other kids, dancers, liars, and thieves. Some wonder how this generation might make it out unscathed. But perhaps that is not the point. Unscathed might mean unaffected and having given no thought to what surrounds us. Perhaps the best of us take what we can from our society and leave the dregs behind. Those of us who have already come this far have a much altered perspective of what it means to "grow up". We of the Leave it To Beaver and Ozzie and Harriet generation have suffered. We couldn't hear when our parents told us and our children can't hear us....Think of it as inter-generational deafness. We probably can't stop them from making some of the bone-headed mistakes our parents tried to warn us of. They have to meet and face Joe Black on their own terms with their own language in a much different sounding/looking/tasting/feeling context. Let's just be there to support them when they fall and to cheer them on when they fly...and fly many of them will. You wait and see.

I Joined a Co-op

I am excited. Besides the online prints, those who live near or pass through Minneapolis can touch a print. Yes, it means more work...it means I actually have to mat and frame before it is sold. But it is a good process. In addition to my photography, there is wonderful work from a variety of artists. There is jewelry and some handmade soap. There are gifts in all price ranges. Check it out.

Lunacy or Big Brother

Just One Brief Pause, originally uploaded by Lukasia.

I know that a city the size of NYC has its own brand of special problems. I can't imagine the pressures the councilpeople and burroughs presidents must have to appease the constituents, but this might be going too very far. Weep as we watch freedom take a back seat to lunacy. Read between the lines and see potential for abuses like we have not seen in years. Speak quietly and allow our precious freedoms slip out the back door of conservatism. Here it is for your review:

By Grace Rauth
New York Sun, August 23, 2007

New legislation before the City Council could make it illegal for New Yorkers to look at a naked neighbor.

Council Member Peter Vallone Jr., a Democrat of Queens, is proposing to outlaw voyeurism by extending a state law that forbids nonconsensual peeping with cameras. He'd apply the law to also include, in the city, peeping with the naked eye.

The law would target offenders who crane their necks to peer under the dresses of women scampering up and down subway stairs. But the legislation also would ensnare anyone caught glancing into the window of a private bedroom or bathroom, which, in a city full of densely packed apartment buildings, is a hazard or a pleasure of urban life, depending on how you look at it, or who your neighbors are.

"If you have an expectation of privacy and someone is looking at you, you would be violating this law," Mr. Vallone said. It would not, for example, protect someone who stands naked beside her living room window, he said.

The New York Civil Liberties Union said the legislation, which was officially introduced yesterday, was too broad and could lead to abuse. The bill's "lack of clarity confers a license for abuse on those empowered to enforce the law by leaving it up to the individual police officer to decide which kinds of viewing are lawful and which kinds are degrading and hence unlawful," the group's executive director, Donna Lieberman, said in a statement.

Under Mr. Vallone's bill, characters on the television show "Friends," which was set in New York City, probably would be serving hard time. The cast regularly watched a man who lived across the street, known as the "ugly naked guy." A nudist, he might not have pressed charges.

While the bill was designed to deal with repeat offenders who do their peeping in public, Mr. Vallone acknowledged that, "invariably, other situations are going to get caught up in this."

Violations would be considered misdemeanors, punishable by up to 90 days in jail and a $500 fine.

The bill states that it would be illegal for anyone to deliberately view another person in a private place when they are in a state of undress, having sex, or using the bathroom, without that person's knowledge or consent. In a public place, it would be illegal for a person to deliberately or repeatedly go to a position to view "another person's sexual or intimate parts" when "such parts are not otherwise visible to the public."

A spokesman for Mr. Vallone, Andrew Moesel, said the law would be easier to enforce than some might think. A victim of peeping would be able to call the police and give a description of the offender.

Just One Brief Pause

Just One Brief Pause, originally uploaded by Lukasia.

Everybody is watching someone at the fair. My son was tired and we took a few minutes for him to put his feet up on the wall. While I was there I had a chance to really look at the people at the fair. They were coming from all over the place as we sat by the main gate. Crisscrossing lines of stragglers, gaggles of gawkers, haphazard groupings of hedonists in search of "something on a stick" to eat. This dad and his son sat down near us for a few brief moments. I wasn't sure who needed the rest more - dad or son. I am betting it was dad since he is carrying the tyke on his shoulders.

Life is filled with poignant moments like this. We get to see what is going on if we simply stop long enough to disengage from the maelstrom. This morning I am going to pick up an internet colleague to deliver a lens I sold to him and to carry him and his wife to the airport. They are from Norway. This is a pleasure for me. All because I elected to stay home and take care of the kids.

My sister (Ms POA) has sent me a note indicating there will be some caregiver changes for my mother. It starts in its usual cheery style. I still ask myself what she has to be so bubbly and cheery about. Time will tell. The attorney indicates we are waiting to hear from the appellate court and that it could take months. Of course, this is how fast and accurate the justice system is. With this I better close, before I end with some vitriolic rant about fairness and being kept from my own mother.

Monster

Monster, originally uploaded by Lukasia.

It's State Fair time again here in MN. I volunteered this year for MNartiists and went Friday afternoon for free. I rushed so I could get to the Cities 97 stage and maybe see some live performers (John Resnick and the Goo Goo Dolls). They were running late and the crowd was starting to thicken...(I hate crowds and being crushed). I looked around at that Cities 97 crowd and noticed so many blond haired blue-eyed people. I stopped to think that perhaps I should have been in another booth or so. Amazingly, I did not see another tanned or dark face....maybe that curly-haired girl waiting with her blue-eyed teeny bopper friends. I did get to hear Colby Callait from the studio.

I contemplated which of the forbidden grease-filled foods would do me the least harm. I tossed that idea into the roaring buzz of the growing crowd and headed right for the FRIED CHEESE CURDS that have done me in before. $4.75 later I had an oozing deep fat (but no transfat) heap of golden gooey cheese chunks. I ate half and remembered why I don't like them anymore. I thought about giving them away but thought better of that idea. Into the trash. Off to the Education Building.

A huge crowd just inside the front door waiting for the bag o's the season from St. Thomas University. This is the bag that will be filled with the freebies that people patrol the fair for. Yardsticks, magnets, buttons, cards, who knows and who cares as long as it is free stuff items.

My shift ended at 9:00...I strolled along the Midway. I was torn between watching and wanting to flee the fair as quickly as possible. I took a couple shots of the beautiful enticing lights of the midway and then beat a hasty retreat back to my car.

I get to go again today with the family.

Simple Things

Simple Things, originally uploaded by Lukasia.

I don't often have time during the week to stop and smell the roses. Life always seems more hectic than need be. This week was different. The kids were on vacation with their mother. I had time to enjoy a meal without rushing off to some practice or event, chauffer duty or house cleaning. I had time to think about what I want to do with my life, my photography, my career and my family. Thanks for this. This image is one small part of the extra time that I had. I walked around this train and looked and looked and looked. This is what I saw. This is the Elephant Sitting in the Living Room that we so often fail to notice. It is big and obvious, but in the midst of all that we constantly have going on, we do not notice the details. This is a larger part of something.

Two great things happened otherwise this week. One, someone requested one of my prints. She then created a testimonial about my photography that generated some strong emotion in me. The other also generated incredibly strong emotion. That was one of the foster parents calling to let me know that she appreciated my hard work and dedication on the case that most recently resolved. It is nice to have recognition for what we do. I should offer that in return to someone who I sincerely believe deserves it. Look around you; find someone and give that person a genuine complement. See how it makes that person feel and perhaps behave towards others.

Quickly

not much time before my battery dies here tonight. it has been an interesting couple of days. supervised visit tonight with a convicted sex offender. he has not seen his daughter in quite a few months. i thought he was kind of tough on her. i was also impressed with how tender he could be. that is the paradox of my job. i have to pass judgment on parents who probably have not had the luxury of good or great parenting. they are basically operating at the deficit level and then comparing themselves to some ridiculous Madison Avenue standard.

Lillies

More Lillies, originally uploaded by Lukasia.

i went to the conservatory today in preparation for my trial tomorrow. the lillies were beautiful...there was the sound of laughter from children as they raced up to the dinosaur to sit and have their photo taken. inside and out the sun shone beautifully and there was peace in my heart.

Goose with Wake

Goose with Wake, originally uploaded by Lukasia.

I have had some time to think about who is to blame for the bridge falling here in Minneapolis. Some people want to point their fingers at the Republican Party; some at the Department of Transportation; some at the "Thing That We Dare Not Call A War In Iraq"; others have conspiracy theories that place the blame on somebody. Here is my simple take. We (the penny-pinching, NIMBY, I Hate Taxes (Unless They Benefit Me Somehow Americans) or the I Don't Mind Being Taxed If It Is an Expenditure I Endorse group. The collective we who have forgotten that the purpose of taxes is benefit for the COMMON good. Amazing now that the first of the lawsuits are beginning to surface. We hate TAXES but we love to sue when something goes wrong. What if we are all to blame? Does that mean that we ALL have a responsibility to see that nothing like this ever happens again? Does it mean that we all owe each other apologies for our short-sighted thinking? Does it mean that we should remember this tragedy when the politicians start proselytizing on the campaign trail?

Or will be lost in the next awful thing that happens? Do we really care enough about this loss of life that we are willing to forego immediate returns on our stocks? Does this mean that we could look at a fair assessment and payment of taxes? Does this mean that we collectively decide that money is never as valuable as safety? Will this bleed over into corporate practices? Will we start paying fare wages? Will we make sure that all have health insurance? Will we eliminate homelessness here in the US? We should, but I fear that we will not. In the wake of this tragedy will there be a lone strong voice that can change our ways? I hope so! Maybe it is you. Have you thought about this?

Ideas

So I have this idea that a few good men need a lot of good press. I am talking specifically about your average African-American Joe. We have had a bad run of press lately. Sports stars behaving badly. Rappers and hip-hop artists saying doing and being outrageous. I have this idea that your average everyday non-African-American needs to know that we are pretty much just like they are. I'm thinking that the media does a poor job of showing just how boring my life really is. I don't have anything to do with dog fighting, raping women, abusing my spouse, or doping it up for sports or avoiding life.

Oh what is there to all this? There are just too many people who have some other agenda. I like the idea of showing what the everyday heroes are like. Simple guys who go to work, pay taxes, coach little league teams, mow their own lawns and shuttle kids to and fro. The world needs to know that these guys are the heroes. Those people who just work and play, shop at Sears and WalMart or Old Navy stores. Hunters and guys who like to fish on weekends or play a little soccer, golf, football, basketball, or swim. So tell me what you think. Will this calendar sell?

Random Thoughts

Now we can watch our politicians squirm. Do they really want to help us or is this just another manipulation to get re-elected? I am not sure. We have so much to be thankful for here, yet we are such awful penny-pinching twits. I only want to pay for the services that I think are valuable. If it does not affect me, then it must not be necessary. Of course, since I have all the money I could ever imagine having, I do not really need any services, thus my taxes should be low. I will only support candidates that will make sure that my agenda is the only real thing that appears in the media that my friends, fellow directors and country club members endorse. Just a thought.

Mom never showed at the hospital for her son's brain surgery. She was too busy doing something else to make it to the hospital during the 13 or so hours he was having brain surgery. Maybe we should have gotten a two-fer one. Kind of makes me angry, especially since she was late getting to her supervised visit with the other seven children (two in Chicago with sick grandmother). Yes, she does have 1o children. No she is not taking care of any of them. Go figure! She is now angry with me.

Spoke to mom last week...she misses us. I suggested she tell Ms POA that she would like to come for a visit. I know that even if she remembers that this situation is not likely. But it is an idea that we need to explore. Still waiting to hear what the appeals court has to say about the case from hell. We just have to have faith that someone will want to see true justice served. Someone out there has to care enough about fairness and acknowledge that elder abuse is real. That twit tried to get me nailed with an abuse or neglect finding. That would have also resulted in the loss of my job. The risk was there but now seeing how corrupt the people are that she has hoodwinked, I should have been more worried. Taking bread from my children.


National Night Out. Too hot here. No block party for us. Gotta go.

Pensive Moment

Pensive Moment, originally uploaded by discerning light (Luke).

what is the value of one human life? a few dollars that the state saved so very worth it so that the rich could have more money than they could spend in a few lifetimes? in the final analysis i think probably not. what if it were your family member sitting on that bridge? we too often think that we are above the laws of nature by virtue of our righteousness or wealth. we are not. i am really too extremely distraught to think about the gravity of this situation. America, we should be ashamed of ourselves. No life is so easily expended. Everyone matters to someone out there.

Blame Game

Now comes the blame game. Everyone will be busy distancing themselves from the responsibility for the catastrophe. Initially, everyone was telling reporters that the bridge had been inspected and should have been fine. Now a new version of the truth begins to dribble from the lips of the people who we trust to monitor these things. Government agencies who have smaller budgets because no one likes to pay taxes. Well, guess what folks, it is our infrastructure. We drive more miles in larger vehicles and there are more of us driving. Who should pay for that? But we want to be able to have it all. Finer homes, with pools and security systems and satellite dishes and ....We just do not want to pay for those "hidden" expenses. Pollution, degradation, deforestation, dirt, poverty, anarchy. There are some of us who think we can shield ourselves from these extras. We think that our enclosed enclaves are castles with moats. I can assure you they are not. We think that the police exist to protect us from the have nots. To some extent this is true...but even then we have dwindled the sheer numbers and they are overpowered and understaffed. They can't be in all places at all times protecting all the "haves" who are spread out all over the place. Who are we going to blame when the seams rip the "fabric" of our society into tatters? Smart money is on blame ourselves. Too bad that will not happen!

My mother called me last night. She wanted to talk. She misses me. I told her to call Ms POA and let her know that she would like to visit her son in MN. I am not sure she will remember this conversation. I think she recalls emotion states, but can't quite have the portions of the brain effectively communicating with each other. This is so very sad. I imagine part of it is frightening; another part of it is blissful. Being disconnected from the tragedy of your own reality could allow one to simply exist. There should be some simple pleasures. The captors that care for my mother do not know me; don't seem to care for me and do not acknowledge me. I get no information from them - although it has been requested. The tragedy of this all is that our family could avoid the blame game. We are intelligent. Capable of reason and rational though. We have opposable thumbs. Somewhere in the education process though a couple of us became predators. I hate these kind of people. People who prey on the most vulnerable in our society should be sent to Papillon Island. There they can learn about being victims.

Soon mother dear. Sooner than perhaps you know. There will be victory.

Crumbling Infrastructure

While we rebuild Iraq and allow our soldiers to die unnecessarily, for a lost war, our national infrastructure is crumbling. Today a bridge across the Mississippi River that is part of an interstate highway collapsed during the end of rush hour here where I live. Fortunately, at this time we do not have as many deaths as I feared we might. I am still too devastated to collect my thoughts about this, but we have diverted too much of our nation's income to fund a senseless war. I know that this was a freakish accident. I know that the structural engineers will likely say that it was not a maintenance or engineering issue. I know that we would likely not have spent the money on the infrastructure anyway. But we have let it go to pot here. Thinking about how this may affect our community for years to come. I know that my son and I were just talking about what to do or what one might do in just this set of circumstances.

Freedom

The party that purports to be about personal freedom and choices (school education, work, etc.) seems bound and determined to undermine the freedoms that most American have come to take for granted. What am I talking about? The slow erosion of freedom that started during a recent administrative coup. For longer than most can remember, the US has had great relations with our neighbors. Canadians and West Indians were free to travel with us to and fro without passports. Now we all need them. It is really a crackdown on Mexico and the unstoppable flow of workers across the lines. But we call it immigration reform. Everybody knows that the workers are here. They probably are not taking jobs from the segment of our population that has disdained those jobs anyway. We aren't really any different than other nations that have taken advantage of the poor workers from other places. I know that Swedes have hired help. So did my college roommates parents in the Bahamas. A Haitan woman if I recall correctly.

New York City wants to ban cameras and some other kinds of public gatherings. I think that it makes some economic sense. Charge people or at least keep track of who is doing what. Isn't that the real TRUTH. We want to monitor everyone and everything. That perhaps is the one truth that might set us all FREE again.

Your Turn!

Reviewing details of an appeal brief. Lawyers use so much hyperbole and jargon that it is remarkable that anything ever gets done in our society. Even the good ones. Quietly going about my business. Angry daughter, angry wife about the deteriorated relationship between us and the hostile and angry 13 year old. I imagine that my daughter would like to live anywhere but here right now. She is approaching the point of eruption or implosion. She is filled with contempt and despite repeated attempts to engage her she is being reclusive and dismissive. I understand her frustration, but I find it difficult to have her constant insolent and demanding personality to experience when I have enough of my own stuff going on. Teenage films are filled with fantasy about growing up and seeing it from the other side. I want my fantasy to include not having the kids. It would mean having money and being able to travel and eat out periodically. Not that I would not regret not having them, but fewer issues would be nice.

Wake Up

It is a beautiful sunny Saturday morning here in Minneapolis. The air is fresh and there is the slightest cooling breeze. I can breathe today. That is literal and figurative. What about all those poor souls who can't get relief? Soldiers, homeless people, people who live in devastated and war-torn areas? I bet they are not worried about what the DJIA is doing or what the pundits on Wall Street have to say about the economy. They are worried about the next meal or where to sleep in safety. Kids who may not have known a day of peace or had time to stop and look at a flower. Mothers who worry more about friendly fire than what to prepare for dinner. Imagine waking up to the sounds of armor piercing bullets or a bullhorn advising you to stay indoors for the day. We have to wake up and allow others to enjoy some of the freedoms that we have. We have to be willing to have less so others can have enough!!

Aching Heart

Tonight is one of those nights. I am not so tired. My heart aches. I just finished reading a brief the attorney is preparing for an appeal of the most recent court decision. The wound is about to be rent open again. I am not sure that this family will survive the next gory attack.

Chocolate, Wine and Music

Yes, it was a tough day at work. We sent a 17 year old home with her mother. Her mother has failed to protect her and her younger sister from at LEAST two sexual predators. One is the girls's father, who is currently in prison. But he was able to make a court appearance today. The other is a man with the same first name. Mom should avoid "Marvins" with a passion. She will not likely though. Statistically, we have little chance of success with Mom. Or her daughters for that matter. Generational transmission of sexual victimization is rampant, unless we can provide the right interventions. We may not have time to accomplish this though. The Court simply wants to clear this matter from its calendar.

Music is Jazz mix on iPod...right now it is Eliane Elias.

Wine is Chappellet. Never heard of this merlot, but it is at least as good as a nice table wine.

Chocolate - Hershey's...can't always be Godiva.

The combo is fantastic though.

Still Life

Still Life, originally uploaded by discerning light.

Have you hugged anyone at all today? Tuesday I had lunch with an old friend. We caught up with each other. Seems no matter how much time has passed between visits that we can always start where we left off. He is separated now, but looks better than he has in years. I am happy to know that he is taking charge of his life! Time is a strong and persistent healer, if we allow it to happen.

Weather here still sucks. Too hot, too muggy, too hard to breathe. I have become a prisoner of A/C. Maybe I could be like the boy in the bubble. We could keep my body temp constant and I could function almost normally. Of course, that would mean that I really could not give anyone a hug.

Go make someone's day. Even if you can't literally give them a hug, you can send them a virtual hug. A note or two to remind them that they are important to you.

Air Quality

Last week when I was busy transporting children to medical and mental health appointments I noticed how terrible the traffic is here in my town. Mild road rage, disrespect and anger are boiling up. There are so many cars and trucks and vans and buses on the roads. The buses pass on the shoulder during rush hours. I know why but it still frightens me each time one of the behemoths cruises by on my right. These rush hours get longer and longer - now two to seven pm...and I do not even know what the morning times are. Fortunately for me, I do not usually have to resort to highway travel during these times. But it is summer time in Minnesota, meaning we are in full swing for our ROAD CONSTRUCTION. This means slower lanes, fewer lanes and more insanity. It also means poor air quality. Wheezing for me and headaches. I do not recall so many people living here. Where are we going to and coming from? I long for a short bus or bike ride in to work, with a decent grocery store within easy walking distance of my house. A small yard so that I can use a push mechanical mower, if at all. I think a flower and rock and wildflower lawn makes the most sense. Let the prairie do its thing here in the spring, summer and fall. I do not mind shoveling snow by hand. Even frequent snow falls as long as they are not heavy and wet.

So all the putrid air hanging over the city means I can't breathe. Means I can't ride my bike far. Means I can't play tennis or go for those long mind clearing walks. Means more air conditioning inside for me, which just adds to the problems of air quality. Sucks.

Show Some Emotion, Baby!

To all the mothers and fathers who have raised teenagers, I have to stop and say, Thanks. There is nothing on this earth like a human teenager when it comes to indignities, self-righteousness, and emotional expression. Each and every day is a made-for-television movie drama. It might start with something so simple as having a stomach ache, but it will probably end with tears and gnashing of coming-of-age teeth. For this parent, that translates into my cell phone going off in the midst of work. "This is an emergency, Daddy!" Unfortunately, my own teen years were characterized by emotional suppression. "Keep a lid on it, boy." There is nothing that could have prepared me for the roller coaster ride of abject lows and near-cocaine-like highs that I can see in just a matter of minutes. Fortunately, I am OK with this transition, too!

Can You Hear Me Now?

Lots and lots of people wish they could have someone listen to them. People talk to me all day long. They talk and talk and talk. I listen and when I am ready to respond, there is a general disgust about what I have to say. Hear me, Hear me, Hear ME!

What is it that I want to say? Just because you went to LAW SCHOOL does not make you a superior human being. Lawyers are not inherently smarter than "normal people". The truth is a commodity that can be traded and manipulated. The best argument wins.

This is pretty much like real life as well. Everybody has something they wish to sell. Important as dialogue might be to conflict resolution, it is a dying art. We live in the age of the sound byte. Say whatever you must in order to win the argument. Truth be damned.

OK, so why all the vitriol? Court of late has been a battle of the diverging truths. Mother assaulted by child's father. She is arrested when the police arrive at her house. Dad makes the call but flees. Mother swears that she was not assaulted by him, but in the same breath tells me that she knows that he is convicted of a domestic assault and is now in prison.

Dad agrees to a home visit by me and the GAL. He has an emergency and calls off the visit. I talk with him about this and he comes "clean". His house is a mess and he can't have us over yet. He also cancels his in-home visit with the therapist assisting him with reunification with his daughter. Now I have to provide this new information to the judge. Frustrating.

Sex offender dad calls me from prison. He just lays into me. Does not want to hear what I have to say. He has an agenda. His agenda is to puff himself up and to let me know that he will prevail- no matter what I do in this case.

Mother of same child calls me minutes later. She hates the program she is in. She knows that the judge has already told her she must do this. She just wants to get back to her old lifestyle. This is a lifestyle that has lead to five of her six children being placed somewhere else. It is almost hopeless.

Judge orders me to remove a child from her father's home. Remove the child because the mother alleges that he is violent. Alleges that he is abusive. This mother has been asked for documentation. She has failed to provide that information. Moms have drugs problems and have their children at home with them. Dads have to be saints in order to have their children living with them. Better a foster home than a father's home. Ouch!

Yesterday

Truly all my problems seemed so very far away. But as ever not for long. People disappoint. There is no getting around that. We can't live up to the constant demands and requests of other people. I am not sure but I certainly feel as if I am a constant disappointment for my wife. I can't seem to ever do right. I talk too little. I talk too much. I am too compassionate and forgiving. I am unrealistic in my demands. I am loving and thoughtful and moments later, crass and indifferent to her needs. I am lazy while busy doing more than my designated share of work. I am confused. I am human. I am on vacation and wish to relax. I want her to have the freedom to define herself as she wishes. I do not interfere with her morning prayer time, nor her desire to engage in church or community activities. I shuttle the kids to and from soccer, take time from work for transporting to medical and school appointments. She can attend or not based on her work schedule and desire to be there. Why then am I almost always in the dog house?

Today is the day to reflect and appreciate what it means to be a citizen of the USA. People from all over the world want to be here. They cross the borders illegally and with the express consent of the government. Phoenix 115 degrees today...hot and humid elsewhere. We take more than we give. We expect others to make the sacrifices that we ourselves are not willing to make. We expect all this and at WalMart prices. That is overkill. Simplification is my answer. Simpler emotions and simpler lifestyle. Bike when I can. Walk sometimes and drive less. Buy when I need instead of when I want. Easier said than done.

Tired Feet

Tired Feet, originally uploaded by unohuu.

This is real...Kids do not have to keep up appearances. When they are tired they let us know. When they are hungry or something does not taste good to them, they let us know. When did we adults make that ambassadorial change? When did we start to hide our emotions and put on the happy face? When did we become artificial?

Today's headlines are about the Supreme Court; the folly of putting a wall between the US and Mexico; the usual number of murders and mayhem in our cities; the pending health care insurance crisis in our country and one item of special note. A dad sacrificed his life to save the life of his child. Heroic. I wonder what that child's life will be like in the future. That is one very special child. Heaven's blessings on this man.

So, some of you are wondering what is going on with my mother and the all -powerful, all-knowing Ms POA. She sent an invitiation from the ADC for the 4th of July open house they are having. I am sure she had this for some time though because attached to the e-mail is her lamentation about not being able to get it scanned. I read this lament and thought "how about just passing the information on to us?" Why the grand production? Why the solicitous attitude. As you can see, I am still angry with her. Not many can maintain that level of vilification in my mind. I guess she is special. Maybe her eyes are bluer than mine.

I have time to write today because I am again on vacation...on a respite from the incessant demands of my job. Look for more thoughts on being real.

All Dressed in White

All Dressed in White, originally uploaded by unohuu.

June is over. I had two weddings this month. One was my family. Of course, I attended more weddings this month than I ever have. My niece also had a wedding. I drove more miles this month than a OTR trucker. Memphis, St. Louis, Chicago, Louisville. Just missed Atlanta as well, but that was last month. It takes its toll on the mind and the body.

She was radiantly beautiful. This was fun. I heard the rumor that she was changing into Bridezilla, but I did not witness it. Just the glow of joy. It came off without a hitch. He, too, is equally photogenic. You can see the photos of them on Flickr.

Sneeze, Drip, Cough

Things have changed. The hot dry weather means that hayfever started a month earlier for me. Itchy eyes, running nose, scratchy throat. The drugs make me drowsy and more lethargic than usual. Inert. But it can't slow me down too much. There are things to do and people to see. Soccer is almost over, but we start gymnastics and pottery for BK when the holiday week is over. That's right. For the first time in my working career (even that is different), I am taking a true holiday vacation. It seems wierd to me since I have always had to work vacations. Whether my FT or PT jobs, I have always been low on the seniority list (factor of switching jobs often). Now though I am one of the old timers.

A good book or two. Some music, games for the rainy days, swim suit and cameras. That's all I really need. Oh yeah, and a PT job to pay for this vacation. Wish me luck.

Take it Back

We live in a world where good people sometimes can't do enough to warrant the rewards of their behavior. We live in a world in which innocent children are shot down while doing homework. We live in a world in which newborns are dumped into garbage containers. We live in a world in which children are pitted against seniors for the diminishing pie of available money.

We live in a world in which the sun rises and warms our hearts and minds and bodies. We live in a world in which every one has the same twenty-four hours. What we do within those twenty-four hours defines who we are. We can choose to be loving or hateful. We can choose to be aloof or engaged. We can choose to laugh or cry. Thankful or miserable. Your choice.

We do know that the truth will prevail. After all the monuments have crumbled. After all the seas have dried up. The truth will prevail.

Slip-on Shoes

My sister and I had time to talk while I was driving and more after I got back from Chicago. My brother is now focusing on all the things that his family did not provide for him. He is annoyed or angry that our father made it to only 1 football game of his...he fails to recall the many other gifts he received from the family. I told my dad that I recalled him giving me an egg and sausage sandwich when I had missed breakfast once as a child. It was a big deal for me; apparently just parent fodder for him. That is the way that life is. We make mountains of molehills and expect that everyone attaches the same emotional significance to an event. That is big and small. So, apparently, the brother eventually started wearing slip-on shoes because his older siblings tired of tying his shoes and he was reluctant to learn. Tough being the baby in a family. I think we middle kids have it easier. Lower expectations (excepting the princesses in my family).

Withdrawal

It has been many a day since I last posted. It is a combination of factors. Life is speeding up. My oldest is now an official teen, instead of being a "wannabe teen". She has launched a full scale attack on the adults in her life. We are to blame for all her teenage angst and the principal targets for her new found wrath. Where did this little monster come from? It is imperative that I find my center and remain there.

There are personal attacks at work as well. I am being bombarded by the rants and complaints of the many clients that I work with who have personality disorders. It is enough to make one want to scream for submission. I could walk away from this job right now.

In addition we have soccer for the younger sibling. He needs a personal chauffer to drive him from place to place. I do not mind taking him, but it is summer here in MN and we are full into our second season (road repair) which means detours and slow traffic.

The situation with my POA sister is relentless as well. She parses out information as if it were being removed from her personal treasury. She tells us that a visit from my aunt from Gary is imminent, but fails to share that the annual checkup physical to Mayo for our mother is not necessary since she consulted with the Mayo Clinic and it was determined that routine tests could be completed in GA with her physician and then Mayo could decide. Of course, those tests are probably completed now. We wait with baited breath to get the results. Meanwhile the inane "friendly emails" continue. I am starting to think of them as distractions. She can tell the world that she worked at "maintaining contact". I would rather have my daily dose of spam from total strangers than some semi-conciliatory drivel from my sister who has been granted the authority to hold our mother hostage. I think that might make a nice anagram.
(SWHBGAHOMH)

My brother and SIL have honeymooned now and eagerly await the photos from their wedding. Yet they know that 1) I drove the father who almost did not get to perform the ceremony home to IL 2) rushed back to my job and kids 3) will be driving our father from St. Louis to Memphis for another wedding. And selling more assets to pay for the attorney that he agreed we should have to appeal the decision made earlier this year. Of course, he does not respond to email or pleas for assistance. He managed to call me quite a few times over the weekend while I was away for peace and quiet. Yet failed to respond to emails regarding his own wedding photography or requests for selection of the photos. I will be shot before I give my time and energy to another unappreciative and ungrateful family member. Some people have no concept of talent or professionalism since they have minions to do all for them.

Guess that brings me back to my present reality. Time to write some books and make some sense of the maelstrom. Later.

80mph

taken at 80mph returning from the wedding that almost was. what more can we know? we have the right to dissent from the status quo. we even still have the right to "free speech" as long as it does not become a Homeland Security issue. What do you think?

Oops

Expediently forgetful. Seems my little bro' called my sister. Thanked her for the wedding present she sent to them...ignoring the request for input and financial assistance with the new attorney's fees. He simply ignored the request I sent him a few days ago. I know they have been busy getting to know each other in the Biblical sense. Enough is enough. Bluster, rhetoric, hyperbole. Enough already. Cough up or shut up. That is all that I am asking. Is that too much?