Blammo!

From Rodney

This is the way life happens at times. Last week, I was ready to shut off the porch light. My wildly maniacal sister had sent me tottering over the edge. I was tired of being nice and compassionate; frustrated with lack of information. Then out of the clear sky (not blue) she dials my cell phone and tells me my mother wishes to speak with me. I am floored and talk with my mom for a spell. She is very coherent and wants to know why all the family numbers have disappeared. I assure her that I will get her all the many ways she might contact me. I will send her a package of business cards; at least one for all the "estranged" children.

My mother hangs up before I can tell her I want to speak with Ms POA. I call back and simply and politely thank her. I am left wondering though what she has going on. Could it be the message I sent the aging and protection social worker? Could it simply be a softening of the volcanic rock control she has tried to exert? Does it matter?

Friday evening I tried my first modeling portfolio shoot. This is one of the images from that shoot. He and I had a bit of fun. We also had a stylist working with us. She helped him select clothing and she helped get him loosened up while I was shooting. R is a co-worker who wishes to do a bit of modeling. I hope he finds work for two reasons. I did his shoot for free; hoping to get a bit of exposure myself; and I simply hope he gets what he wants as well. Alls well that ends well.

Lights Out!

Daily calls to and from family. All this and I still feel as if I am in the Twilight Zone. Something wierd either just happening or just about to happen. Never quite know which way to turn and what to expect. The world as we were taught it is forever changed. Something as innocuous as Pluto no longer being the 9th planet in our solar system. How do you think Pluto feels? Devalued as a heavenly body. From this to that in a blink of an eye. Of course, I am making the assumption that Pluto cares or is concerned about what we think of its status.

My sister says we have left the porch light on long enough. Keeping this torch lit by the door for someone's safety is unrealistic. The threat is actually to the people waiting for the thief to slide in during the night. It is sensible to make it as difficult as possible for the barbarians to assault the gates. These metaphors are fun. Kind of cathartic. Since the virtual pen is mightier than the legal sword, perhaps I can find a way to slay the dragon before we are too singed and burned to have recognition of each other.

These are difficult times we live in. What say you, kind neighbor?

Benign Neglect

We have such a wonderful world that we live in. The air and water are not really too contaminated. We have the ability to have some beautiful days and magnificent sunsets and such. Sunrises probably as well, but I seldom see those anymore. Not that I am sleeping; simply that the stuff of everyday life keeps me from taking that simple moment to pause and reflect. Another day. Another blessing. Another chance to reach out and touch someone's hand. How is it that we so often do not do these things? What could be so very important that we do not pause? Getting a cup of Joe at Starbuck's?! Rushing around to get to work, to make money that we will spend one something or other that we really do not need. Try as we might, the advertisers suck most of us in. We want bigger homes that we spend less time in; larger cars that insulate us from the world around us; taller office buildings with cubicles and partitions that separate us from each other. The people doing the most sensitive work get the smaller spaces, but age and opportunity abound for each of us to accumulate TIME so that we might one day achieve the same amount of mediocrity that so many of us not-so-secretly despise.

We work so that we can one day enjoy what little life we have left. Some of us contemplate never retiring, simply because we can't afford to do so, whether that be financially or psychologically. I am probably a resident of both camps. Late to marry and then to divorce so I have spent part of the pension on attorney fees and such. Not to worry though as I can't envision not having a reason to rise in the morning...or to stay up all night for. What will this generation's legacy be? Graft. consumerism, pollution, destruction of environment and family? Your guess is as good as mine. The two parties will mudsling and assign blame rather than addressing the issues - it is a way of keeping themselves employed. How many stakeholders and agencies do this dance of we need you and you need us. I often ask myself if I could work myself out of a job in CP. Unfortunately, while a noble goal, I do not see this happening in the "reasonably foreseeable future."

What if we just let all the systems go into benign neglect mode? Would there be a natural correction? What if people stopped polluting the earth today? How long might it take to restore what we have come to think of as equilibrium? Are we anything more than a flea on the back of this dog, anyway?

A Sign of My Time

A Sign of My Time
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

here i am...amazingly the fortune cookie from lunch today said that i bring out the best in others. there were connections between my old and new friends that i was not aware of. people were suprised to see others there with me. i enjoyed having known that my neighbor and my ex-gf from college had dated. that my former roommate knew her from somewhere else. i saw friends that i have not seen for far too long. nice gathering friends...this was a good reminder of who am and who i am not. Thanks!

Touch

Touch
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

Last night I attended an awards banquet...Marriage and Family Therapists. People who get paid to talk and listen for a living. It was a wonderfully warm experience. Talking about pain - theirs and the pain of others. It was a pleasure to be in the company of some of these people that I have only known as names and CVs when I made a referral for some kind of therapy or the other.

Apart from the awards there was a CEU presentation involving movement. Movement is the pinnacle of perfection for MFTs. We live to move people from their stuck positions in life, relationships, love, work, family...you name it. The methodology chosen to move the Talking Heads is the Tango.

I do not know what imagery the TANGO elicits from your brain, but I consider the tango an extremely visceral and "in the moment" kind of life experience. Think touching and not touching. Think hot and sensual. Think about not thinking and simply going with the flow. Flow is another one of those instincts or urges we have come to suppress in our lives. It is probably related to intuition and insight or total awareness not 5 dependent sensitive.

Touch and Movement. Often quite enough to change the dynamics of a relationship. Changes can be positive or not. Changes can be subtle or obvious. Change that can be immediate or time-released. One of the therapists I admire was there. He has written books on short-term kind of change. I will sum it up in a quick phrase. If you have been banging your head against the wall and it hurts; stop. We all have the power to change the multilayered interrelationships we have in our lives - Simply do one thing different. You know!

Plain Brown Wrapping

We meet a lot of people in the course of our lives. Some are fancy packages that we must be careful with. Some are simply the plain brown wrapped package. Ask yourself which of these two possibilities you are.

Do your friends think of you as high maintenance?

Are you always seeking to be in the limelight or the center of attention?

Do you want people to see you in "all the right places?"

Asking yourself, what difference do any of the above really mean? Are people more likely to like you if you have the right credit card; graduated from the right law school, medical school, or MBA program? Can you be a simple but effective person? Is Harvard the only indication of your intelligence? Do you really need to drop names? I hope not.

My mother disappeared again this week. It seems that the PIC (short hand for People In Charge) made a decision that we could not be of assistance and would merely complicate the already preposterous. I spoke with Ms POA and explained my frustration. No compassion, nor a phone call from her, sister POA, jr., a CNA or anyone else. Just shut out of my mother's life. No further explanation needed. Magically, my mother reappeared today. Simply everything back to the pretend normal state of affairs.

Another child has been liberated and is eligible for adoption. This one was hard. I had considerable hope for the mom. Tuesday evening I picked up four siblings who are headed down this same path with their mother. Seems she took her son out for a stroll; apparently to be her interpreter or her bodyguard while she procured some crack. Fourteen year old son was angry and notified all the right people. Too bad it came to this.

5o on Sunday. My turn to become one of the sages. My turn to offer what little wisdom I might have now. No presents; no jokes about 5o being old or half-dead. Just wish me a happy birthday and share your wisdom with me. I think this is as plain as I can get wrapped. Thanks in advance.

Update

I have an update. Sometimes I hear that it does help to keep the porchlight on. My sister's dog returned after a long weekend and a few days of missing from the back yard. He left when he wanted and returned when he was ready. Hopee that transfers to my sister, although I doubt that she is as loyal or intelligent as the dog. My mother is MIA since Sunday or so. I had a conversation with my sister regarding contact with her but she did her usual loud and pompous response. I am.... and you are not.

Work is really tough. I am losing it all right now. Feel like I am drowning.

More later.

Today

We will have another busy day. Basketball game, then I go to work and supervise a visit; from there to my studio for a model portrait session; from there to a party with some friends. It might be dinner, or a movie. I do not know yet. Looking forward to the cold weather and time to simply relax. As it is I am listening to crackle of burning wood in the fireplace. This is what winter is really about. Rest. Restoration. Peace. The other seasons all have so many things one must simply do. Mow the lawn. Rake the leaves. Paint the house. Oh, how I simply like the quietness of this day.

One Moment in a Lifetime

One Moment in a Lifetime
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

Father and daughter have not seen each other in years. it seems that "his baby mama" is having some problems. Father and daughter will never be able to recover those days lost.

Work

We all, for the most part, have something that we like to do. Something we enjoy and would do it whether we got paid handsomely for it or not. Some are lucky and do get compensation that most of us can only dream about. Athletes (mostly male), actors and actresses, some performers whether they be musicians or theatre artists, some medical professionals, some attorneys, and many CEOs. I am not so sure though that the CEOs like what they are doing as much as they like the compensation. What got me to thinking about this? The studio. Everyone I have told about it has offered me congratulations. I think many of us want to do something creative or fun, but we worry too much about the bills. The stuff of our dreary lives. That is NOT me. As that astute man says in the beer commercial, "We will be dead long enough". Live is for enjoying, not fretting about what might happen in an uncertain future.

Here is what I know:
We might have global warming.
We might have another mainland USA terrorist attack.
We might have flooded coasts.
We might have avian flu.
We might have regular flu.
We might have more problems than we can shake a stick at.
We might have more troops in Iraq again soon.
We might have a long "not war" on our hands.
We might kill a few more of our youth and future.
Oil prices are falling today.


I think the list could be longer, but I think most of you will get the point here. Our future really is uncertain, yet we plan anyway. We have thirty-year mortgages. We have life insurance and pension plans. We might not live that long.

We have been taught to suspend our present for the uncertain future. The future feels more uncertain today than it did during the COLD WAR. Michael Crichton writes that we are living in a state of fear, because that is one of the methods of chaos and mind control that our government uses or endorses to placate the masses. We always need an external enemey. We no longer have the might Red Bear. We will continue to invent crises. Panama, Grenada, Mexico and the border problem, illegal immigration, beef beefs with Canada. Is this some way of avoiding the real issues we have here. Inequality! Poverty! Racism! Homophobia! Intolerance! Whose image are we striving to copy?

Ever dream of abandoning the rat race? What have your peers told you? Just think that misery wants company.

Payraises

i had a thought related to the previous blog on TRYING. closely related to the tryers are people who talk and think about doing things. they think about losing weight and cleaning their closets. they think about graduate school and getting jobs.

giving the working poor a raise. i am already anticipating the news reports from those employers that are busy giving the CEOs astronomical salaries with even more compensation tied to management performance. in MN, the senators are looking at giving themselves a raise. of course, these people have important positions. we have to give them something close to what they could make in the private sector. my wife used to be a private sector employee who now works for a quasi-public employer now.

sending more girls and boys off to the slaughter in Iraq. not enough can be said about this at all. staying the course, no matter the cost.

Rantings

it seems that of late most of the posts have not been meditations, but actual rants. ranting about work and my crazy family and the people around me. 2007 has to be the year, the place and time when i am restored to my center. focusing my energy and attention on the things that matter to me; that are important to me. i will not let the dregs take away my bliss; my sincere appreciation for life. there comes a time when compartmentalization becomes essential to the survival of the entity. this is that time.

my son gave me a random hug today. we had a nice chat in the car on the way home. it is a good time to connect with him...he talks for a while and then i take a turn. i am focused on the drive and he on the ride, so we do not actually have to pay close attention. so much gets accomplished during this time. it used to be the same way with my daughter, but she is rushing headfirst into her teen years. she is right and the center of the universe as we know it and everyone needs to just back off and give her room. that is until she needs a ride, some money or some attention. i am a second-class citizen with the child who formerly thought i was better than American Cheese Singles.

My world is good...this is all happening just as it should. it is all happening for a reason that may not be clear to me for many years to come. i only have to get through these trials intact, not unscathed. there are more friends hiding in the woods waiting to offer a hand than i know. the good that i have done will surely come back to me now that i need goodness.

Hope

trying...we live in a culture of people who are always trying. trying to lose weight; tyring to stop smoking; tyring to get a better job...trying to....makes you wonder if anyone ever accomplishes anything. my sisters in ATL are busy trying to take advantage of my mother. my clients are doing their best to get their children back. it is all so very trying (if you get my message). aren't we tired of trying to win the pointless war in Iraq. wouldn't it be nice if the political administration stopped trying to convince the people about the true agenda. but that would not be the true way. the true way is t take advantage of the people closest to you. the true way is to lie, cheat and manipulate systems so that no matter what you have going for you.

when your game is found out, rather than come clean, you must simply repeat the cycle of lies and cons so that repetition becomes the new truth. say it loudly and with true confidence so that you can more easily manipulate those who might need to inform themselves and make decisions.

too many trying people living like this. it is more than i can stomach. i say let's try the simple truth. can you handle that though?

So, What is Next?

no rest for the weary, i tell you. we have moved the holiday spirit out of our house. tree is nude again and so barren. the ornaments and indoor lights are gone. banished back to the basement, storage shed and attic. the gew gaws and knick knacks have joined them until next year. so much for bright lights and the promises of a new year. what is the rush anyway? i have never understood the rush to put it up and then to take it down all over again.

fifty approaching. count down has begun. i have told my wife - no party! she is flummoxed as to how we can celebrate this occasion. i told her no ski trip. how about a nice lunch? that should do it. fifty is nifty. i might save some money here. AARP is calling my name.

still feeling sluggish and under the weather. reminds me of the last time i felt like this in the winter. it turned out to be pneumonia. 10 days of bed rest. i was so exhausted i could only get up to let out Cooper (wonder dog) and get some tea and run to the toilet myself. then i would collapse in my bed for a good 6 hours or so. that had to be one of the toughest times of my life. i missed a lot of work. hopefully, i can avoid that this time around by simply getting some of the rest i need. my birthday would be a good time to simply rest.

have to start writing letters soon. letter to Ms POA, asking her to only contact me in writing. e-mail will do if she does not want to send a letter. i have to let the director of my mother's CNAs know that i would like to see a copy of the care plan so that i can have a sense of when, what and where she is physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Some Kind of New Year

The world is awash with backpatters and wellwishers. Happy New Year. We survived another year here on the planet. The people who disseminate information for public consumption have once again told us what it is that we should believe. All the papers had editorials with the turning over of Sadaam as a public good. I disagree. If killing is wrong, it is wrong all the time. Who are we to judge? We created the monster, like so many others, and when we no longer need him or can control her, we eliminate them. I know there is a policy wonk name for this; it presently eludes me.

My sister, who is intimidated by me, called me today to wish me Happy New Year. A slap in the face is what it felt like! Abuse me, then ask me to like it and to continue to be your friend. I will always be your brother, but you can't have it both ways. I will not just ignore what happened just ten short days ago. I will not pretend that all is well between us. Wellwishing aside, I have to endure the reality that you are the frog crawling your way to the top of the pile on the backs of those fallen and injured frogs behind you. I am just leaping out of your way right now. I can't be your victim; not willingly. Tell your story to someone who might need a step-friend or half-brother. I am not he.

It snowed here and all acted as if it were a rarity. We moaned about the lack of snow and complained when it arrived. Know what I mean? I fell asleep before this New Year dawned. It really does not matter; I have time to enjoy it. Staying true to myself.