Musical Mama

Remember playing musical chairs as a child? I do! What brings this on? Two things happened this week that take me down memory lane. We went to the History Center yesterday in search of Kwaanza Celebrations and did not find one. We had a pleasant time though looking at the various exhibits. One in particular displayed a typical 1950-1960s era backyard. A picnic table and hopscotch were the two big attractions. My kids worked on that hopscotch square. It all came roaring back from the deep recesses of my brain. They had fun and I got to see them doing something other than walking around with iPods and handheld games players.

Second thing that happened is that my sisters are actually playing move the mother around the Atlanta metro area. I know that they live many miles apart and her house is somewhere between the two houses, but it really makes it tough since no one from that house ever initiates a call to us. We have to go through the phonebook in order to track her down. It is frustrating. Very frustrating because the court room characterization was something completely different than what was our reality. If one were to listen to the evil twins, one might easily believe that all they do is pamper my mother. To the contrary, I think she is frustrated because they are constantly vigilant and hounding her. Imagine the CNA telling my wife that she was too busy to talk and that it was advised that she call back in the evening when the POA sister might be at home. Also they alleged that all the travelling was too disconcerting for Mama, but JFL has taken her to Charleston (for Thanksgiving) and has recently taken up second residence in her home some place in Marietta. Of course the d$*n CNAs get to travel with her where ever she goes. As long as they are calling the shots about medical care and legal issues, we will not be allowed to have physical contact with Mama. After all, my sister, CT, is terrified of me. I am intimidating to her...how dare I?

Keeping the Porch Light On

Families have traditionally left the porch light on when someone is away. Away for the evening or off at war. My uncle mentioned this to me on the way back from Atlanta. No matter what your family does to you, there should always be hope of reconciliation. We have to because we do not know when we ourselves might cross the line. It's easy to lip off and tell you all the atrocities that my two sisters have committed. It is too easy to vilify them. What I think we all want is resolution. How? Good question!

Pyrrhic Victory

nothing like getting what you have asked for. seems that my sisters may have actually benefitted us in the long run. the judge did declare our mother incompetent. he went on and on about how she was not coherent enough or lucid enough to make a decision. no way to contract; just like a child. if she is not able to do that, then she can't express a desire that one could act upon. we simply have to sit back and wait for the guardianship hearings and process to unfold. that sucks because i suspect the games will continue in the pending process. it is painful to me knowing that those damn CNAs will have some limited control to my access to my mother. it is already playing itself out. CNA answers the phone when my wife calls; tells my wife that Mom is busy and has Alz's and best to call back when Ms POA is at home. i spoke to my mother twice yesterday. she seems to pick up when i call for some reason. i can hardly wait for the next confrontation with the hired witches. Pyrrhic Victory that this may have been for my sisters, it is still a sad day when the parents who paid for her law degree are abused and humiliated in court by her own hand. what price is her dignity? heaven only knows.

Dr Seuss of the Prevarication

Oh the places you go when you tell just one lie
Each lie has a life of its very own; don't cry.
It breathes and seeks company does not want to not die
from neglect or abuse in the ragged pursuit of the light of some truth.
each lie is like a frown or a chipped tooth or crown
still functions somewhat although not at its best
for lying is like dying or wearing a vest.

more decoration than functional is a wearer of vest
surely is. not pants, nor coat but a simple kind of test.
a test of your charisma and smile
ability to fake if just for a while.

each lie has a brother and sister or two
each lie has a way of another one, but two
or more depending on what is the goal. each lie
is a death bell ringing its toll
the toll is for honesty and love and truth
each lie kills a moment of passion and youth
for lies serve no man nor woman it's true
each lie is an insult to me and to you.

today i heard lies like i have not heard
each lie was a gift-wrapped stinking old turd
made up to look like the Rosetta Stone
when in truth this lie was a worn out bone
gnawed and left out for flies
these lies had lies in place of their eyes.

and so in the end...when the lies were all said
the wizened tired judge just bashed in our heads.

OK!

i think i am starting to make some sense of all this. i chased my mother down after a few phone calls at Ms POA's house. Ms POA answered the phone and was so pleasant with me. completely oblivious to the fact that she is suing me and attempting to keep me away from my own mother, unless of course, she or one of her lackeys is supervising me. must be some kind of personality issue resulting from attending law school. a certain section of the law school understands the mechanics of the process but does not comprehend that the actions affect people's lives. we are all patiently hoping that she 1) comes to her senses; 2) accidently leaves the USA (she does not have a passport) and can't get back in; 3) has another PE (this one is the evil thought in my own head). she probably already has some kind of dragon-like representative to take over where she left off. well, news flash, i do not want to be friends with the self-absorbed, fatuous family member who happens to take people's emotions so cavalierly.

i am going to fly to chicago tomorrow, and have my dad and uncle meet me at the airport so we can hasten on down the road to Hotlanta one more time. this time, though i am booking a one-way ticket with no certain return date. will keep posting as long as i can find a Starbucks, Barnes and Noble and a few other T-Mobile HotSpots to log in from. Wish me luck!

What If...?

I am sitting here in Minneapolis.... It is Sunday morning. I have written an email to my sister and her attorney telling them to stay the course. It is unseasonably warm here in a decade characterized by unseasonably warm winters. Minnesota is usually blanketed with snow by this time of year. In a year when we have seen so many changes, I am thinking. I am wondering if Atlantis had been dry land before it was swallowed up by the seas. Global warming is a reality. We can ignore it, but that will not stop the flooding and eventual destruction of human civilization as we know it. Maybe there will be some who will be able to evolve and become sea creatures. May the dolphins and porpoises are already there. Maybe we can slow this down. Maybe we will take drastic measures to reverse the whole process. Somehow I doubt that this will happen. If evil exists simply because the good do nothing, then we all have to act and act now. We have to think about the impact our daily commute takes on the environment. We have to think about our free spending and planned obsolescence business strategies hurt us all in the long run. Why don't we force autmotive manufacturers to build the kind of cars that we know we need? We could if we cared. We could if we would give up the travelling living rooms and entertainment centers that our vehicles have become. We could if we truly understood the implications of one needless trip to the Mall of America or Ikea or National Camera Exchange has on our collective existence. We don't though. We only see the small amount of litter in our own yard. We have great jobs so we do not worry about the cost of rising fuel prices and the rising cost of goods associated with the fuel prices. We have not been good stewards of what was left to us. We will pay and sooner than we think. Malthus was right; he just did not understand that we would reach critical mass for another reason. So go and buy the Christmas and Channukah presents that will soon be in an outerspace landfill. What is the difference between what we want and what we need. What if we really knew and really cared?

Simply, Thanks!

yesterday in the elevator at work, a charming 3 or 4 year old boy smiled at me, and said hello. at that particular moment, it was the most beautiful smile i have ever seen. a gift...love; unconditional and perfect, just as it was given.

two days before when i was at the courthouse for a hearing two beautiful towheaded children squealed with glee each time the elevator descended to the next floor. again, i took a moment, looked at the adults with them and smiled. i shared that each precious moment of life should be appreciated with that much joy. another glorious gift.

why do we needlessly suffer?

...and the beat goes on!

just when you could begin to think that it might possibly be safe to come in away from the dark and cold, out jumps Mata Hari. ready to decimate and destroy with another fleece bag of legerdermain. pompous and self-righteous and indignant. read my lips. i am tiring of this. how much longer must one endure the shenanigans and hoopla of your incessant dog-and-pony showed geared to show us all how smart you are and how smart we are not?

Check!

I was wrong...since our nemesis is playing this "game" for kill, we should employ similar "loving" and equally lethal strategies. A common mistake among socially conscious people. As it appears that she will not be satisfied until she hears the collective death rattles of our hearts, we have to find an equally lethal (to her) but non-lethal (to ourselves and souls) response. I started to wonder if such a thing exists in nature. I came up with a few. Porcupine fish; skunk, porcupine are three that readily come to mind. These are simple but effective defenses. What got me to thinking this way? Seems that Da Judge could choose to have me arrested for my disregard of the Superior Court order from 10/5/06. Don't they have better things to do with their time? Or do some (note, I am not blaspheming ALL attorneys) attorneys have so little to really do that they concoct these diabolical and pretentious schemes. What a waste of an expensive education! What a waste of talent! If we could divert just a small portion of the Machiavellian madness to constructive use, we could probably resolve the Peace Accords, the Global Warming conundrum and answer the question of whether the chicken or the egg came first.

Our very own Desdemona must be having a blast, as she directs this chaos from remote control. Easy for her to talk about how this family has rejected her when she has repeatedly closed the doors of communication and information sharing. Those CNAs, in reality, are permitted to have more of a relationship with my mother than I am. Can you believe that? Let's just hope this does not become a true battle of wits and cunning as that is certainly not the place for a family to use for basing decisions. Three strikes and you are out. Mate

Hmmm...

Arsenio Hall used to have a portion of his show that focused on things that got you to really think things through. I always enjoyed that part of the show. We are so trained to simply believe the tripe that we are fed that we often times suffer needlessly as a result. Here is one such example. If a POA is not revocable and my older sister formerly held the POA in Georgia, how is it that Ms POA could have that formerly unrevocable POA revoked so that she could snatch it away? How then does one choose to do what is simply an absolute and then claim foul? How can one allegedly so knowledgeable of the LAW assume ignorance of the law? That is a real head scratcher! Nothing more to say. Let's see if the GOBs club (lawyers) is willing to do the right thing when we return to the Halls of Justice next week.

Rush, rush, rush! It is that time of year. We find ourselves trying to be in too many places with smiles on our faces. We are all already stretched beyond the limits. Stress is up in the US of A. We work more and play less than any other "civilized" peoples on the planet. All in pursuit of heart attacks, ulcers, migraines, alcoholism and early death. We have another name for this pursuit (money). When is enough simply enough? Asking Ms POA this question could probably lead to my demise. See there is a chance that she will try to have a defunct order enforced if I should dare show in court. Flaunting her legal muscle. What would that be? Machismo does not fit. Chauvinism comes close but is too demure for the kind of megalomania that she experiences. I will have to simply ask any readers to help me with this coinage. What say you?

Back to court. And back to the trip to Chicago then to Louisville then on to Atlanta. Of course, I will miss more work. I will again exhaust myself and estrange myself from the kids and my wife for the three or four days I will be gone. It is exhausting. That simple much I know. Days for recovery from the emotional and physical ordeal of sleep deprivation and white line fever. Pray that there is no snow when I leave here.

Merry Christmas, Baby!

This is the face of the evil man who abused his mother. I was supposed to be more sinister looking....maybe with a jail or prison tatoo. of course my sister has not had me arrested yet. she did that to my sister (that should read our sister, but family status is rapidly changing). i think i would have a tough time holding dear someone who purposefully had me jailed and then ignored this simple oversight. so i took this photo in the new studio i am sharing with a couple of other photographers. i should have had my contacts on this day...maybe i would not have dropped that very expensive and near impossible to find flash tube. but i did drop it. i probably will not be able to replace it and will need to have a new flash soon. really do not want to spend the money, but i really do not want to go back to having just one light. oh well, if i had not just spent so much money on attorney fees and airfare i could have easily paid for a new lens, a new light and lots of presents for my children and wife. but that was my simple choice. assist my family or splurge on my family. wonder what Ms POA will be doing this year for Christmas? i understand that she will be taking a LOA. she has some plans to do something that no one knows about yet. of course, her plans will include our mother. Mom can't be beyond her control and abuse for too long. she might have the freedom to make some of her own life choices again. of course, Stockholm Syndrome is tough to diagnose in a senior citizen.

what's in your photo scrapbook? mooks like me, i hope. most of us are simply good honest people. most of us are not the CSI type criminals we see everyday on prime time TV.

we are a minister, social worker and an international organization developer. we are not the monsters that they would have you believe we are. yes, i held my mother's arm...i held it gently and supportively so that she would not stumble. of course, it depends on what one wanted to see.

Safe

So, just as i thought it might be safe to go back and play nice with everyone, the clarion again summons us back to the Hotlanta. Of course, there is a bit of strategizing going on here. I am certain that my sister has masterminded the date so as to prevent the reappearance of my father in court. she may have been momentarily stunned last week, but she has recouped and has redoubled her efforts to preserve her Glass Menangerie. liars have to build incessantly. the conniving and Machiavellian manipulations must drain her of what little energy she has. i can't imagine maintaining the prevarications that she must have to do. i guess that is why all the flunkies are lined up behind her. i was told, that one such nincompoop, went so far as to describe my behavior as abrupt and rough with my mother. there must be a special section of the Hell that they experience while they wait for the demon to divide the ill-gained spoils. i, though, am a mere simpleton, who honestly believes that the divine light of truth will not be quenched and will continue to shine and show the evil-spackled subterfuge as what it is. i do not wish my sister ill; simply wish that she would stop and come to her senses. after all, as an attorney she knows that she may win in the short run, but she can't maintain these pretexts indefinitely. what might actually happen when my mother makes her appearance in court? can she continue to lie, cheat and steal what is not hers?

Passive Aggressive People

i feel like i am surrounded by them...constantly being bushwacked because i am an easy target. seventeen year old i have not met blames me (not her mother) that she is now in shelter. mom who was TPR'd last month calls just so she can blast me. court scheduled for later this month. i want to tell myself that my PA sister had nothing to do with notification coming just one day short of the 2 week airfare discount window. deep in my heart though i am certain that she and her cronies are hoping that i can't be available to assist again in the process. i walk in the door from my last week of studio lighting only to be blindsided by my wife. she is angry (but can't say that she is) and wants to start a fight. i want to avoid one at all costs because i am already emotionally drained. time to slink off to bed now. wish me luck. or not!

Help is on the Way!

"...he may not come when you want him, but he will be right there on time... " Whitney Houston

today is one of those days. I should be happy. I can get rid of a couple of cases. One child going to Arkansas to live with maternal grandmother. Another child successfully TPR'd. That is certainly an oxymoron. Happy but bittersweet day. Another broken and disrupted family. I know that this family was broken before I met them. We could not put this Humpty-Dumpty together again. I get to close a file. I get to stop working with this very difficult mentally ill mother. I get to fantasize that I did the right thing. I can tell myself all of this. It still does not take away the sadness and pain of a mother's heartache. It does not compensate for the vitriol and bad karma that will come my way. No good deed goes unpunished....

Fini

So much to do and so very little time in which to finish it all. The drive back from ATL was horrific...I left MSP late which meant for a later than anticipated arrival in Atlanta. Short and hot phone conversation with my paranoid sister. She thinks conspirators are all around her. Actually is just a symptom of the brain fart she must be having. Guilty conscience. Sold out by sister. She has forgotten about the sacrifices our parents made. She wants to become something that she can never be. She remains delusional. She swears she heard someone tapping my cell phone conversation. No reasonable amount of assurance was helpful. I eventually had to tell her good bye and hang up the phone. Of course, her paranoia prevailed again. I was able to talk with my mother on Friday when waiting for something....as most of Friday is simply a blur of driving and rain and snow and road weary eyes...white lined fevverish driving. All just so we could hit the big snow storm just as we left Indiana. Two hours of sitting on a ramp waiting for a tractor trailer combo to move from the center of the ramp. We all have to void our bladders and we are getting short with each other because of the long hours we have kept. UJ and I managed to hold off the Kahuna long enough to get us back to his house. I am still recovering from this. But it is not over yet. Stay tuned, as they say!

Slow and sorrowful process

Yesterday was the first day of the travesty of the destruction of our family. My sister paraded and pranced around in front of the court justifying her irrational and inconsiderate behavior. She started by having the entourage escorted from the courtroom under the premise that she would be calling some of them as witnesses. My father was one of these. He was kept in the hallway all day while she lined up her peons to lie about any number of events that have not happened. I was not there, but I did receive official updates. Here is nugget. My sister would like a permanent injunction against me and my brother. She has to do these crazy things to justify her outrageous and outlandish behavior. I am so angry now that I have no compassion for her. She deserves exactly what happens when they hit her upside her head with the legal two-by-four when this is all over. Not sure of the details but it probably involves her supervising any visit I might have with my mother in the future. I guess she knows just how little respect I now have for her. I sincerely hope that the judge is rational enough to understand that 1) this should never have come to the attention of the court; 2) that my sister is the most dangerous of the siblings with respect to my mother; 3) that her lack of respect for the opinion and feelings of others (including our mother) is exactly why this should be dismissed. After dismissal the court should not only impose sanctions against HER, but require her to compensate us for mental duress, legal fees and travel expenses. Somehow, I doubt that any of that will happen. She may prevail. Even without that happening, I know that this family is forever changed. This is what happens in other people's families. We have always managed to address what ever griefs we have and return to normalcy. This will re-define normalcy forever. I am now done fighting. She can do as she likes. This family photo just lost someone. Like Marty McFly in Back to the Future there won't be anyone there, when the photos are reviewed. Not that someone is missing, simply as if she never existed. Blanked from my memory.

About ta

Those of you who have children or have had children living with you will understand that short phrase here. Another version of it is "Fixin ta..." do something or the other.

Yesterday on the way to church one of the kids said something to me. I responded and the response in return was "I was about ta...." This really got me to thinking about all the things in life that we are about ta address: civil rights, gay rights since there are so many who believe that are homosexual and lesbian kin should have only some protections under the law. I think it means we are about ta legalize some kinds of discrimination.

We are about ta take a serious look at global warming.

We are about ta decide what should happen in Iraq since we have had no coherent strategy heretofore.

We are about ta look at the disparity between minimum wage and poverty again.

In Minnesota we are about ta consider what it means to spend taxpayer money on a stadium for which we are not likely to collect fees for the many services and vendors there. That money would rightfully belong to the team owners who negotiated outlandish deals for tax incentives and breaks based on the employment certainty of x number of people.

We are about ta head into winter here in the Northern Plain States. It is happening later and later each year (but that is not related to global warming!) and even if it is what realistically can we do to reverse of slow the certainly inevitable process. Why should we restrain ourselves?

We are about ta look at making the MOA larger. On the news tonight I heard someone say it would be happening to the largest mall in world (I thought the one in Edmonton held the record). So what are you about ta do?

Meanings

What do you mean when you say, "We can't." We can. We always could and always will be able to do so. We are a family that has not yielded power without cause. We have avoided the ravages of social pressure and maintained a balance between the dualism of rampant capitalism and social justice. We have avoided the plagues of incarceration, chemical dependency and nihilism so common is society. We have weathered the storms of divorce and poverty and war and now we are losing all the gained ground while we wrestle with the treachery of treason. You figure it out. In a communal society, the needs (and desires) of the one will by necessity have to yield to the logical and collective desires of the many. This is a tragedy if for no other reason that we have to divide our resources rather than channel them in constructive and collaborative efforts. We are succumbing to the same law that has previously kept us physically and mentally captive. Cooperate with your oppressor and experience the wrath of your own. If you continue to be a parasite, we have to eradicate you.

What a meandering rant. Sometimes I simply have to go with the stream of conciousness and allow the words and ideas to flow. I know it is not coherent to most of you. But then again, I continue to struggle with the reasonings. As long as I do not have some sense of comprehension, I will not find the answers that I seek. A conundrum you say. Yes, it is.

Thankfulness

There is nothing formidable about my determination. I would simply ask that you find your own cistern of unquenchable strength. We have the love, kindness and commitment already in us. We simply have to find a way to use it. One day at a time, one step at a time, with the constant assistance of our friends and loved ones. We are all magnificent. We simply are. Use your resources.

People will do evil. There is little that we can do to prevent evil. We can all shout out about the evil we see. Simply tell the truth. For the truth shall always prevail. Until the very rocks cry out. We will all make our peace. Each one of us has to do what is right. No one else can tell us. We have to hear with our hearts and minds. We have to feel with our eyes and ears. We have to know with our total being.

I am.

Traditions Change

We all have  traditions.  Macaroni and cheese.  Greens.  Today my wife mentioned that we are
 having a classic Thanksgiving meal.  It includes the turkey of course and potatoes.  That is where our traditions diverge.  She mentioned broccoli and olives and some other things that have not been part of my traditional Thanksgiving.  I mentioned there was no macaroni and cheese, nor ribs, nor ham.  Not that I wanted these meal additions.  I only wanted to comment that we have to be careful when we start to talk about Tradition...of course we all like to romanticize our recollections of the TRADITIONS we survived to revive.  Some of those are great and some we hated.  Some we simply allowed to creep back in to existence because of ennui or apathy.  

Here is what I remember about Thanksgiving.  See if this approximates yours and share yours with me.  

Wake up at least an hour before sunrise so we could drive out to the country chapel and get it warmed up for the Sunrise Service.  Maybe have some of the church mothers prepare a breakfast feast for those who braved the Tennessee winter.  Back home in time to catch part of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on NBC.  Kids were then rushed outside to allow the older kids and adults to cook, clean and set tables.  Stuff ourselves with all manner of food shared with any number of kinfolk who happened to have needed a place to go for the day.  These might be actual relatives, but included students, singles from the churches, and friends of my sisters.  I am sure I have missed something.  But it was Rockwellian-like if you can think of the Cosbys as a Rockwell family.  We had our own versions of the tolerated (barely) unruly relative, too.  As I write about this I begin to wonder what these Thanksgiving celebrations will be like in the future.  Ms POA has taken my mother to Charleston.  That is out of state and I am certain that she does not have one of the ubiquitous CNAs accompanying her.  But then she would not need that as she is specially qualified to care for our mother.  I spoke with my Mama yesterday.  She was confused and needed some calming.  I will try her again today when things have settled down here.  We will perhaps have a preview of what Thanksgivings of the Luther family future will look like.  My sister, my brother and I sitting around somewhere telling stories with our dad about the traditions of our family.  It will start like this, "Remember when we used to grumble about having to get up before dawn to go to...."  Of course, the Rev will have a slightly different recollection of this.  Who knows?

Life as We Know It!

Where did you get your values? Were you present when they handed out the Rule Book? Apparently I was not. I do not know where I was. Perhaps I was not invited to the convocation! Maybe I am an Undesirable or some other kind of pariah. Whatever the reason, I missed out. Did you?

Here is what I speculate! I was out watching the sunset or watching the waves pound against a beachhead somewhere. They probably called and I was in that state of contentment and zoned all the outside world out. There was likely even a second call. I was probably cleaning house, or coaching volleyball for the kids. It was on my calendar, but the really important stuff in life took precedence to this simple formality. I was proably expecting one of those mid-dinner calls from my concerned Rule Book provider so that I could stay in the Rule Book good graces without my being reported to the violator of the Rule Book reporting agency. Since I usually do not answer the phone when we are having family time (dinner, movies, etc.) I missed out. They could have left a recording on voicemail that I probably have not listened to yet. The time limit for redemption will soon expire (if it already hasn't). They probably turned it over to the Rule Book Violator Forgiveness agency. Those letters are likely in that stack of mail on my desk that I get to when I am not chauffering kids to practice or games or interacting with them.

My intentions are good. I will think about after I put the kids to bed; the dishes and laundry though become the primary task at hand. Somewhere and somehow, I think we just have to make time between trips to the Post Office and drycleaners to read the everchangingcascade of new family rules.

1) Even though you should have access to your mother, we reserve the right to turn off the ringer on her phone, because it interrupts her time with the CNA.

2) Should you call and the ringer is off, the phone might roll over to voicemail; we reserve the right to disconnect the voicemail so that you may not leave a message.

3) If you per chance avoid Rules 1 and 2 and are able to talk with your mother, we will monitor the calls because you might say something that we personally disagree with. We can't have freedom of speech (unless it is our freedom- Remember WE are the Power Of Attorney).

4) We would never dial the phone to facilitate contact between you and your mother (even though we suspect you have tried to reach her unsuccessfully in the past).

5) Please do not confuse this enforcement of the Rules with anything you might call control or abuse. Remember Power of Attorney trumps all other rules. I make the rules and break them as I choose.

6) No mere non-attorney who does not have Power of Attorney dare challenge any of the rules above. You are not intelligent enough to understand the complicated system of Rules created simply to keep you from having a relationship with your mother.

7) Any challenge to the rules listed above will have more dire consequences for you. You may never speak with your mother again.

I think there are some more rules, but they have not been intimated to me yet.

PRIME DIRECTIVE: If you become enough of a nuisance, I will seek the fullest extent of Homeland Security Act to have you held without due process.

Manhood

i taught that rambunctious group of four and five year olds in Sunday School today. there were 42 of them...many of the boys were like swirling dervishes. knowing that boys do have a different kind of energy still does not mean we should allow them to run wild. but i do not know what we can do to contain and channel that enormous energy into healthy outlets. i usually have to take a nap when i finish my two hour stint. today was different. i was tired but also emotionally distraught. i stopped at Caribou and bought myself a medium chai latte. i took the long way home and found myself letting go of some of the grief that has been bottled up inside. grief about the changing family. my sister will have thoroughly alientaed herself from the rest of the family. my mother will truly never again be the sage and wily old woman i thought she would always be. i thought that there would be a chance for a miracle and a recovery. that recovery is likely not to happen as long as she is denied her freedom and she remains locked up inside the house there in GA. while i listened to the CD in my car tears began to drizzle down my face. no pretending is going to change that. there is a lot of emotion waiting for the right time to surface. keeping my nose to the grindstone...and putting one foot infront of the other. tomorrow will be a better day. tomorrow will be a better day. maybe.

Transcendental Stupidity

I work with a lot of people daily. Most are very nice people who have had some serious challenges in life. Every once in a while though I see something that reminds me that there are too many people who do not have both oars in the water. There is nothing in particular. It is cumulative like brain damage or severe CD issues. Eventually the effect just catches up with them....just too many stupid things done and no way easy back to reality. mom missed her visit today with her 9 month old. she was begging two days ago, but i am betting she found her old abusive flame who was happy to get her high and then slap her around a bit. she won't recall most of it because she takes her lithium when she wants to. i am already frustrated because we just don't have enough time, energy and resources to make all this happen. then there is my own crazy sister...busy suing family members as a method to resolve differences. of course being a lawyer, she has little concept of what is right or wrong - she is only concerned with proving her point. damn everything else. life is really just too short to leap off into these alternate realities. i am thinking i have to just live and let live. they can manage on their own. they will have to fight their own imaginary demons and if they survive perhaps they will have a stronger sense of reality...then again, maybe they will slip another notch on Jacob's ladder.
'

Each Day

i start out with the same 24 hours as everyone else. i settle in to my routine although i loathe to call it that. i check email, have some tea, let the dog out, head to the shower and either get kids up, if they are here, or leave for work, if they are not. nothing wrong with the routine. it works for me. sometimes i squeeze in time to write or to educate myself a bit on world affairs. sometimes i think about what life might be like if _____________ (You fill in the blank!)

lately though i have had just awful pangs of creativity that continue to bubble through my mundane psyche screaming to be given a voice - a chance to be expressed. most days i manage to quelch that before i lose my mind or my job. some days though i allow myself to ask the questions. why am i here? what else am i supposed to be doing besides Child Protection? Is there more? i know some of you are thinking this is just a mid-life crisis. i had those starting in my late twenties. i am the original angst-driven man. think every maudlin man you have ever seen. i am he and he is me. i was an emotional midget in the original family. the pendulum swung too far the other way when i escaped. hopefully i have moderated some of that in the past few years, but ever aware of what might become.

Trouble Man

I was at court again today. Another TPR trial...this being one of the first times I hoped that the parent did not arrive on time. A default hearing was what I needed. I just get up on the stand and talk about all the deficits of the parent. Not today. She was late and I had a fleeting moment when I thought I might avoid this horror. You ask, "What is so horrible?". Today her 11 year old son was in court. I had to say all these awful things about this child's mother in his presence. He sat there in the court room, doe-eyed and innocent looking. I am sure he knows that his mother is mentally ill. Why would this child have begged for asylum within the foster care system? Still no child wants to have participated in the process - no matter how many times we tell them that it is "in the child's best interests". That is the standard.

We left court and went back to my office for a supervised visit. After the visit, this woman who hated me just an hour before wanted a ride home and took the offer for lunch at Subway without blinking an eyelash. She offered to repay me for the orange soda, but not for the 12" subway she wolfed down. She was thankful as we approached her mother's house.

Each one of these trials takes a bit more of my soul away. Why do I have to do this? Could we not find someone else to take the black children away from the teats of their mothers. Am I evil incarnate or am I one of the guardians of the gate? Who is protecting the Black children from the parents? It is an odd position to be in. Of course I know this child already does not know his father. He was deported to Antigua some threee years ago. Antigua? Deportation to Antigua is a consequence for the domestic violence? Deportation should be to some place like Siberia; not Antigua.

Reds

Reds
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

it is better to be happy in a cardboard shack than to be alone in a castle...Harry Connick, Jr.

he is a junior...don't know anything at all about his father. smooth jazz to ease me into the night. today was a busy day...first volleyball game. we lost...but i think they had fun. coaching the team is going to be tough work. i need to get a whistle.

then lunch and then the trauma of the 8 month old terror. stranger anxiety and his sister becoming increasingly annoyed and agitated. i left him at the foster home when he had not calmed down after 1/2 hour. too much nerve-wracking annoyance.

mom was doing the same thing. anxiously badgering me and trying to win me over. just spend the time with your daughter. driving from one end of the metro to the other. crying kids...maybe we could run away...HC, Jr. again.

the music box played...sad little serenade...


busy tomorrow...Sunday School; teaching youngsters than shooting family portraits at the Circus of the Heart for MN ASAP. I am looking forward to this. Melancholy and little flow here. That is easy for you to say. Good night!

Fabulous 50s

Fabulous 50's
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

You can't really ever go home again. Home is always changing. The glorious days of my youth are faded and inaccurate memories made sentimental by the passage of time and forgiveness. Sometimes the passage is mercurial; other times it might be Neptunian (is that a word?). America is again looking back at the glorious days of its youth and adolescence. Was it as wonderful as we so fondly (but inaccurately) remember it?

Listening to new music...something i bought for myself...something to help me feel normal as i wade through the swamp of family matters. tantrums and attitudes and spasticity. the tidepool of good will is becoming a cesspool again. fear, anxiety, desperation are the colors of family i see now. compassion was thrown out the judicial window. maybe those 50s were fantastically fabulous for some of us.

i will be that 50 next year. hopefully someone will recall that i was wise and kind and considerate. perhaps someone will have a good word for me.

Sunrise

in the midst of all the turmoil and trouble and tawdriness, i see rays of hope. this morning was one of the most beautiful sunrises i have ever seen. pink and salmon sky, fingerling clouds with whispers of babies breath tossed in for good measure. i had this glorious view for at least a good 1/2 hour as i wended my way from our home to drop the kids off at school. sometimes in the midst of all our despair comes a blessing. i was awake for this one and i am thankful. just nice to be able to see the hand of the creator. hope you find some joy and bliss in the midst of all your troubles. BTW, no photograph would do justice for what i saw this morning. it will remain forever impressed upon my mind, though.

Simple Phone Call

my other family is in turmoil and crisis. we are floundering around trying to make sense of a situation that refuses to yield to the archives of regular stuff. my mother left here with m sister yesterday. my sister alleged she would come by the house with my mother for dinner. she never showed. my mother had no spare clothes with her or her medications. my sister lied to me. the shock of all this has left me disillusioned and overwhelmed with strange emotions. emotions that are so raw and so pervasive that i find myself fighting my most basal instinct - revenge.

lo and behold...my mother is reappeared in Atlanta. we have not heard from my sister prior to my call there recently tonight. i have also tried to have my sister listen to genuine concern about herself and my mother. she only wants to hear that she is being victimized and persecuted. a simple phone call would have been appreciated.

My sister has declared that she was advised by the local law enforcement not to come to my home. of course, she is the person (speculation) who called the ADC and told them that the Sgt. was coming to pickup my mother. I spoke directly with this Sgt. who actually listened to what I had to say. He verified that he had specifically told the ADC that he would not be coming.

This is too painful now for me to think about.

Autumn Day

Autumn Day
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

This is the second oldest surviving member of my family. My mother is an acerbic and sharp-witted woman who suffers from dementia now. She fades in an out like an old B/W TV with rabbit ears. It does not matter to me. I rather enjoy her philosophical rantings and her ability to both expand and compress time. I have been her brother, father and son all in one day. She probably does not know what day today is, nor who the President of the US is. Why should she care at this point? She has done her duty and should simply enjoy these sundowning years. This was taken on the deck at the back of our house. I hope she stays awhile.

Travesty Continues

Plenty of bravado being spewed lately. I guess only a couple of us were fully aware of the potential fallout for all this. I am exhausted. Phone calls from and phone calls to attorneys, siblings, father, my sister's SO. We can't seem to get her out of jail. Charge is contempt of court. I know that serious DWI offenders and domestic abusers get in and out of jail faster than has occurred in this situation. Rumor has it that there is now a warrant for my arrest as well. That would not be a smart thing. Instead of using collaborative legal actions, the firebrand has resorted to legal bullyiing and semi-fascist tactics. I can go to jail if it means that my mother will have an opportunity to have her story heard. But it is exhausting. When this is all over (if ever), I think it will be important to recall all that has happened and what it will have cost our family. The expenses are rising at a geometric rate. That is only what we can calculate. Once again we have to rely on attorneys. They get rich. We get __________? Little sister! see her here -
This is so sad because our family has already survived so many more severe challenges. We have always been a strong family, even though we might not have been very cohesive. It is important that you know why this is going on. I love my mother

Regardless how long my mother stays with me, I will be updating her portraits. It has been a real joy having her here in my home; lots of work, but still a joy.

Motion Blur

Motion Blur
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

you have to watch and look quickly because the family dynamics have changed. last week i had four sisters and one brother. this week, all the recent events have forever changed the makeup of my family. my brother, my father and i recently went on a mission to free my mother from the confines of the hired guns who care for her. she had asked for help repeatedly and left ehr home with us willingly when we arrived. all that happened in a matter of minutes. we took her to a hotel. we talked with her and listened to what she had to say. we talked about revoking my sister's POA (Power of Attorney for the uninitiated). Power is a good beginning for this mess. Now my brother, my father and I left my mother's home state - dropped my brother off in one state en route to my father's home state and finally my mother and I pulled into my driveway sometime yesterday - after we took my son to his special soccer clinic. The guys from the Thunder were there. Great clinic...too bad the kids were so tired.

My sister claims my sister participated. Apparently the Sheriff's Office picked up my innocent sister. Her claim to fame - she lives in the same damn county as my POWER hungry ATTORNEY sister. She has manipulated the truth and the court system long enough. She will have to face her judge separate and apart from the outcome of all this. Why 2 smaller. I have another sister in this southern metropolitan city who quietly sits back and watches all the evil transpire. I wonder what she gets out of all this.

Meanwhile. I can't go back to this mecca of necritude for fear that the denizens of destruction will apprehend me. Oh yeah, I have to hire an attorney. So why all the fuss?

My mother does have some memory issues- I think adult daycare would provide adequate safety for her. My mother does have many medications. Again, the ADC we visited today has an RN on staff and they administer medications. My mother will be in a more stimulating environment than if she simply lives alone in her dark house with the many strangers (CNAs), who all work for my sister. I think my mother enjoyed every single moment of this day. I hope that it was worth it for the rest of the family.

OK, I am looking at the sunny side of this. Tragically, I will have fewer Christmas presents to buy. Down to my two siblings and I am not allowed to be in contact with my mother since I am a detriment to her safety. See, I have withheld her anti-rejection drugs from her. Can you tell I am really quite angry? I hope so. I have to turn this anger into righteous indignation. Shalom!

Trough

I am in the midst of a creative trough. Bogged down with the banalities of life right now - work, family, money issues, etc. Feels like every way I turn, there is someone making a new demand or request for my time. I do not mind sharing my limited time, but I am feeling exhausted. I have not raised a camera to my eye for many a day. Too tired to write at all as well. But tonight I will be shooting portraits for a church event. I have to be positive and upbeat. I have to be ready to sell myself as well as the product. I think it is the selling part that gets to me.

I also want some emotional support. From my wife or somebody. Really in the grand scheme of this all, I am looking back and thinking I have it pretty good. Being tired at my age is OK. My energies are being diverted in so many directions. I am practicing grace right now. Being OK with where I am and allowing myself the indulgence of not being pollyannaish. More later.

No photo today

No photo today. It has been quite some time since I picked up the camera with the intention to shoot something. I still carry one with me, but the muse has been on hiatus for a few weeks. Ironically, it was the same time the prose muse left me. Guess that left me in a creative rut. Momentum though can be a wonderful thing. I simply love the sound of the keyboard clicking away when I write.

Today I saw three clients. Client number one triggered something inisde of me. Intelligent and confused about her place in the world. We had a wonderful tangential dialogue about what is and what is not important. I hope she comes back.

Client number two arrived late and disrupted my reverie...we had a truly abstract but spiritual conversation. Never underestimate the power of your client to challenge your ideas about how things work. He was a blessing in disguise.

Client number three is a regular. His father recently died and he had to go to the old country to bury him. Unfortunately for him, the very things that drove him out of the homeland are still very much alive and breathing fire. Families are the best and the worst for all of us.

Paint your own picture today. On the many spectrums that we have Truth <------> Not Truth
Love <-----------> Hate

We can all make better choices. I think that is my lesson for today. Choose Wisely

Rentals on Clearance?

Rentals on Clearance?
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

everywhere i have looked in the past couple of days, i have seen the homeless. who are they? how did they reach this point that they have to stand by freeway ramps and stoicly look proud while asking for help?

Tickling Some Ivories

Keyboarding, originally uploaded by unohuu.

Tickling the ivories is an expression that I have grown to really like. It has that kind of onamatapeia sensation. I can actually hear the tinkling of a piano as I allow the weight of the expression to sink in for me.

I could use a good laugh. My awful job has taken on awfulness in monstruous proportions. It has been a tough week, with a TLC completed and a predatory sex offender removed from the streets (even if only temporarily) and more detente right here in my own home.

I am tired from a week of negotiations with every one. I did this wrong and I failed to respond to someone's emergency right away. I must be at least 1/2 ass incompetent as those around me would purport. I am a failure. Like this photo. I am leaning in the wrong direction. Sample it for me.

We could all use a great simile right now, right?

Guatemalan Church

Guatemalan Church
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

this is what i need. i spent a glorious afternoon here the day i arrived in La Antigua. I was delivering a Christmas package to a friend/co-worker's friend there. this plaza had everything. a little farmer's market. people playing, sitting chatting. as i recall an old man came up to me and we had an interesting little discussion. i thought it might have been the color of my skin. it could have been that he did not recognize me in his little corner of the world. there are so many different ways of looking at a situation. this old church towered over everything in the village. i looked up to gain some perspective and was amazed at how beautiful the sky was that afternoon. once in a while we get to see these kinds of visions more than once. i want to go back...it was simple and easy there.

Mugsy

Blue C
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

Kids have pets...those pets sometimes die. we have had hamsters, guinea pigs, fish, hermit crabs, dogs, cats, and a snake. We have experienced their deaths from age or illness or infirmity. Today, I went to feed my son's bird, Mugsy. Mugsy had squeezed his head through the bars of his cage and had gotten stuck. Mugsy had become an escape artist. He was out when I came in from work. No problem. I put on my leather work gloves (Mugsy would bite if given the chance [maybe this could have been a clue for us] and dutifully caught him and put him back into his cage. Not good enough for Mugsy, I guess. Bird suicide. Perhaps not intentional, but really got me thinking.

We keep animals against their will. Yes, our domesticated pets love us in return. This parakeet was not happy with us; did not enjoy our company and wanted to be free. Maybe Mugsy wanted a different family. We will not know now.

My son is on vacation with his mother. I will not tell him until he comes back here on Saturday. That little bird gives me a sense of great loss. Mugsy, I am sorry.

Blue C

Blue C
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

accidental tourist. free associations within the daily grind. harry connick, jr. is singing to me right now as i type. i was listening to sonya kitchell, kt tunstall, huey lewis and the news before this. my wife took the dog for a walk after she made salmon for dinner. she did not have time to eat because she triple booked herself again. come by me, baby. come talk to me, baby!

have new cards for photo business. cool looking...eventually i hope to have them available as an online card too. Vista Prints free card offer. now their foot is in my door. hope i don't have trouble getting rid of them. maybe glossy next go round. free 250 cards for the cost of s/h.

photo assignment ... accidentally found letters. this was an image i made with the big F4s. i developed the film myself ... that was fun. each camera seems to draw me to a different kind of subject. sad little serenade. i do not know how i came to like harry connick, jr. probably one of the women in my life. brash and cool in his own way. some verve like Sinatra, but still cool like the Miles Davis or Ornette Coleman. anyway he is fun to listen to and he has a wonderful band backing him.

sipping green tea with peach white cranberry juice. it gives it a nice herbal-like taste. should market it. too many irons in the fire already. business is booming. there is a lot of behind-the-scenes work that goes along with a PT business. seems like this is a good time to look for a laptop. tired tonight.

oh, all else is well.

New camera

SP w/Nikon
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

I guess apart from some simple accessories now, the change from Minolta/KonicaMinolta is complete. Here I am with my F4 in my hands and being shot vby the D70s. It will be a good time before I am comfortable with this camera.

Shoo Doop Shooby Do!

i have another court hearing tomorrow. i can't sleep. so i am up late on another day when i have already put in lots of hours. this client is mentally ill; she does not recognize that. it is not just not my opinion. she saw a psychologists who thinks she should go meet with a psychiatrist and hear what they want to prescribe for medications for her. she is also developmentally disabled, although this may be the first time she has heard this. no groups, no therapy, just some medication. maybe she will stop beating on her son. maybe she will be able to live outside of the little solipsism society that she lives in. i doubt it.

so i listen to music and read and surf the 'net when i can't sleep. better than lying in bed feeling sorry for myself. obviously i am bloggin' and i am listening to Buena Vista Social Club and Boyz II Men. ethnic music...barbershop tunes and a little Spanish melodic music.

Cheek Bones

Dazed
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

as i sit here quietly in the morning the house begins to awaken. i hear the a/c kick in. will it be a hot day today? i am listening to the constant gurgle of the aereator in the toad's tank and the water bubbling through the filter in the fish tank. the computer carries it's own low drone and right now i hear a plane outside the window. my wife moans and inwardly complains of her aches and pains. she makes sure that i hear her. i should offer a peaceful compassionate something in her direction - i am not sure what it should be.

so what does this have to do with cheek bones. everything and nothing. S was so patient with all the makeup artists that morning. it gave me pause to think about what people go through for society and for acceptance. i am not sure that many men would subject themselves to such torture. the end result might justify the process of getting there.

competition and wonder.
splendor and grace.
triumphantly we watch
as the soldiers all take their place

grace and pressure under fire
they say. do we really know any
other way? we fight, we love, we struggle
it's true. who am i
and who are you? simple reflections
of what they want us to be!

smart, reliable, simple and free.

4 Things

something interesting that i will share with you all. the world really is connected by X degrees of separation. some of us are closer to 6 degrees than others. some perhaps much closer and some not so close.

here is an entry by my ex
http://kitchenlogic.diaryland.com/

i think it is a good idea.

Four jobs I have had in my life:
probation officer
divorce mediator
child protection social worker
bicycle delivery for pharmacist

Four movies I would watch over and over :
Shawshank Redemption
Red
Back to the Future
Chocolat

Four places you have lived:
Memphis, TN
Mankato, MN
Evanston, IL
Minneapolis, MN

Four TV shows you love to watch:
Stargate SG-1
Stargate - Atlantis
ER
Any CSI show

Four places you have been on vacation:
Greece
Gautemala
Spain
Bahamas

Four of my favorite foods:
Grilled Salmon
Greek Salad
Chicken Salad
Cheesecake

Four songs that remind me of summer
Little Deuce Coup (Beach Boys)
17 (Janis Ian)
Summer (George Winston)
You've Got a Friend (Carole King)

Four places I would rather be right now:
New Mexico
Iceland
Greece
Ghana

Four readers of this journal who should do their own meme:
I am not sure I have any readers.

Reflections on Summer

purpleness
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

we are moving into the later stage of summer. sounds of cicadas outside in the evening with their incredible song. the light is beautiful at the end of my work day and the sunrises are more achievable for me. this is a good time in life. festivals and interestings hues and beautiful light. i can't really say it enough. this part of the summer is when the earth begins to parch a bit. we survived because i was too busy to cut grass. we survived because the grass was long enough not to get sunburned. what a mess it was though when i cut. first i cut; let it dry for day and then i raked and raked and raked. most of the clippings ended up in the compost bin.

summer is a burst of energy. we race about doing this and that. trying to squeeze more activities into a day than there are hours. we wince and moan about opportunities we missed; sometimes so much that we miss the opportunity that is present. ever stop to watch a butterfly or a grasshopper? i do. ever rush to get to the lake when there is plenty of wildlife right in your own backyard or basement? i know i do. what if we took the time to become more "familiar" with what is already familiar to us? watch another "old movie" instead of rushing off to the new release. when was the last time you really watched Casablanca?

We're Done

To End
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

Bride and Matron of Honor from shoot at Macy's on Friday. I met them at the hair salon and we shot away while the bride got her hair done...she was actually quite chatty while she sat under the dryer. I learned quite a bit about her. I find that as the photographer gets to know the subject the photos present themselves. She is a co-worker so we already had a good start. she wanted to know if we were going to pose or have more candids. i told her that i would prefer to just shoot. it worked. this is the final result of one part of the shoot. nice wedding, too!

Cousin II

Cousin II
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

this little man is determined - he loves watching the older boys playing on the field. this was one of those moments when he was "caught" sitting still with his aunt. i recently saw him again at his cousin's park birthday party. determined to swim with the older boys. i hope he keeps this indomitable spirit and his parents offer both encouragement and realistic expectations.

After the Rain (saturated)

After the Rain (saturated)
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

It rained here tonight. It rained all day. My soul was flooded with the rain of tears from my job. Great sadness today as I compromised the life and livelihood of another child. Temptation remains great to "make a deal" so that the case goes away. That was not our issue today. We had a trial. We could have proceeded, but we might have lost as the judge is the sole arbiter of the facts. This particular judge is quite well known for his compassion for the parents.

It is actually raining again. Mother Nature is making up for lost time. Like she was caught and entrapped - unable to assume her charge for replenishing this earth. She seeks balance now. Can we make the sacrifices that are required? Pray that we can!

Perspective

Perspective
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

it all depends on your perspective. Lebanon and Israel. I have heard the arguments and agree that both sides have some valid concerns. When do we stop killing the innocent? Blood has spilled on both sides. This is worse than the Hatfields and the McCoys.

New Order

New Order
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

So many of us see the world in terms of simple Black and White; Yes or No; Right or WrongThese kind of polemical discussions serve little purpose in achieving harmony. We allow our differences to define us. It really is not necessary. Here is one definition of Polemics: Function: noun
Etymology: French polémique, from Middle French, from polemique controversial, from Greek polemikos warlike, hostile, from polemos war; perhaps akin to Greek pelemizein to shake, Old English ealfelo baleful
Date: 1638 1 a : an aggressive attack on or refutation of the opinions or principles of another b : the art or practice of disputation or controversy -- usually used in plural but sing. or plural in constr.
2 : an aggressive controversialist

The world as we know it won't survive another World War. There are too many disputants now. Christian vs Muslim vs Jew vs Rich vs Poor vs Western vs Eastern or Third World (where is the 2nd World?) vs ________________. What about our common humanity? Why can't we remove our masks and allow each other to see our common humanity?

I have more in common with those most unlike me than I would care to admit. Physically we are created so similarly. I choose to shed the false masks that I have worn. I will be neither Democrat nor Republican; I will embrace my humanit as well as yours. I will accept that your experiences are uniquely personal and while different than mine are no less valid. I will see you for who you are, not who I want you to be in my reality. I will leave my solipsism long enough to taste another bite of this great grape vine of our lives.

Trial Coverage

i spent the entire day in court, except lunch with my co-worker. i was first on the stand. both Mom and Dad are sitting in the courtroom. i am looking them both square in the face when i state with no equanamity that it is in their children's best interests that their parental rights be terminated. i am already overcome by sadness. it almost feels as if i have failed. there must have been something that i could have done that would have convinced this mother that drinking would only lead to her ruin. that the slippery sloppy slope of sloe gin and O'Douls would eventually mean that someone else was going to have to parent her children. but i was done testifying much more quickly than i ever have. the public defender barely had any questions of me. no, i have not seen his client intoxicated. no, i have no evidence that the beer she had would lead to a relapse.

Dad is recalled to the stand. he is discredited by 1) a review of his criminal history, which includes multiple assaults on mom, eventually resulting in a prison conviction; 2) the flawed testimony in which he recounts that he has not been given information about his case plan, although he signed the plan and acknowledged receipt of that plan almost one year ago. he is given one final opportunity to recant the statement that he shared with me and the FP about mom's drinking. he is reminded that perjury is a felony, that could result in the revocation of his parole (remember the domestic abuse prison conviction). he pauses much too long while he ponders the consequences for himself. he swears that he never shared that information with me. but it is too late. all the professionals, including the judge, have already noted the pregnant poignant moment.

we are not yet quite done. more in August.

Value of Family

If there is anyone out there who reads this, today is a special day. See my first published photoessay here UtataSpeaks. This project means so much to me. Family has become a truly meaningful part of my existence. I work with families. I see the despair and destruction of families. I pray for the healing of families.

Annoyed

Annoyed
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

Strange things happened today. One of my clients lied. He bald-faced got on the sworn-in-witness chair and lied. I was flummoxed. He got caught in that lie. It was painful to watch this convicted domestic abuse just out of prison felon squirm as he realized he had been caught.

I called a client simply to speak with her today. She answered the phone and proceeded to tell me she was indisposed. She was not that delicate but I got the message. I asked if she wanted to talk then and she sounded surprised. I had already told her that her condition was more than I needed to know. She agreed to call me back.

I called another client late in the day. The person who answered the phone heard my voice and hung up. I dialed a second time and this person hung up again. The third time I called I decided to state my business purpose for calling the telephone number. The response was [urban vernacular] "She on the ho stroll makin' me my money". I had to think about this. I asked what he (I now know it was a male voice) said and he had already hung up. I sat there stunned for a monent trying to deciper what he had said. Hopefully, I got it. "She is on the Whore Stroll (Prostituting herself) making me my money [earning a regular beating when she comes in for not really allowing herself to be abused] [meta-message {I am her pimp} square boy] and don't call here anymore.

How was your day today?

Trial

Chicken Sculpture
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

Again in the middle of a multiple day trial. I have to sit across the table from the mother that I will be testifying about as an unfit parent. Makes my stomach do cartwheels.

Maybe if I am lucky we can have some sort of semi-settlement. What would I settle for? How is that possibly in the best interests of the children? What part of unfit do I fail to understand. This is not some kind of political mumbo-jumbo. I do not have a spin doctor (publicist) that can re-phrase my thoughts into a positive light.

Here are the basics:

She drinks to excess to often.
When she drinks she does mean things to her children like fighting with them.
She has a history of horribly abusive relationships. If she can't protect herself and excercise clear judgment about the relationships, how can I trust that she will look after the vulnerable children?
She is manipulative!
She refuses to accept that any of the above is true (even only at times).
She burned her own house down while arguing with her drunk and abusive boyfriend.
She doesn't really want to parent the children. She has been making deals for more than a year now. Somebody else take care of them, and I will be ready in about one year. Ican't imagine telling those kids they have to wait to see if their mother is ready to love and care for them.

Half way home

 
 
 
 


it has already been a summer of consumption...soccer, family, parties, emotions, money, time, energy. i am looking forward to autumn so that i can have a bit of rest. soccer was at least twice a week; there was a basketball camp; a college tour for the twelve year old; gymnastics camp; articulture for a week. we had sleepovers and almost sleepovers - you know when the kids are ready to go home, it is easier just to take them, even if it is the middle of the night. i had a quick trip to Atlanta to visit with my sisters and mother - and to discuss an ASSISTED LIVING facility. that issue is still not resolved. i have to take sleepover Sally home by 12 noon...it is 11:50 a.m. right now. 

Out There

Especially in Michigan
Originally uploaded by prakope.

I know I should be grateful and gracious and patient and kind. I was Boy Scout and I have been thoroughly indoctrinated into the halls of gentemanhood. Yet, I am tired. Tired of people making threats and promises; tired of the open hostility that so many of us carry around with us. It is just too hard for me to make it through a day without seeing something ugly. This bridge is the crossing into a fantasy land. A place I could go and live like Peter Pan. No worries mate. I understand that this place simply doesn't exist, but I can still dream about, eh? Where would you go if you simply needed rest and respite from your worries?

Sam

 

This is the maternal grandfather that I never knew. He had died while my mother was young. She was raised by her saintly mother and older siblings. Now my mother is getting old. I took this from the wall in her home and made a copy of it for all the siblings. My mother is adamant that we not take her picture. I will have to disobey her. We have so very few of them that I realize that my children (her grandchildren) are not really going to know the strong independent and intelligent woman that I grew up with. We hope she can come to live with us for a spell. No word yet from the anti-social worker. It is quite disheartening that we have to spend our limited family resources going through these awful motions. We really are not asking much. Let grandmother spend some time with her youngest grandchildren. I am fairly certain she would not want to spend winters here anyway. But what a great place to spend the summer. We have a nice backyard and a deck and mosquitos galore now that it has rained. We have a grill and great neighbors and a wonderful neighborhood. We live on a quiet street. We have these awesome trees in our yard. Let grandmother come here until October 12, and then she can go elsewhere for the winter. I have a sister in Memphis who will gladly allow her to live there. I have a brother in Louisville, KY who will be glad to have his mother in his home. I have a sister in Atlanta who will gladly have our mother in her home. I have two sisters in Atlanta, though, who seem hell bent on making sure Mom is away from all possible family and love. I think they are just tired of being involved with her day to day. I think they have forgotten how we as a family have struggled through the bad times. I think they have too much faith in a corrupt and overwhelmed system that will warehouse our mother. I think they think they know best. I think they are wrong. Why can't we just give some of the alternatives a try before we put her out to pasture? I wish I knew.

Wonder what Sam would say? Wonder what Carter G would have to say about this? See, Sam is related to Carter G Woodson somehow or the other. At least that is the story I have been told all these years.

This is the same woman that cared for me when I was asthmatic and overwrought and tired and desolate. I think I could do the same for her for a few years. What do you think? 

The Majestic

The Majestic
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

i came back recently from a week on the road. i drove to Hotlanta to visit with siblings and to check in on my mother. Two of the sibs are ready to place dear ol' Mom into an assisted living facility. they wish to do this inspite of it being against my mother's wishes and that three of her biological children and one non-biological child are willing to have mom live in one of the other homes. so i met with the anti-social worker who presented a modified set of lies to me. i even tried to get her engaged into alternatives to AL, but it appears she has made up her mind. social services are worlds apart on opposite sides of the Mason-Dixon line. i have to repeatedly advise my clients of their rights and we have something we like to think of as open disclosure. if my client is not doing quite so well, i tell him/her so that they do not feel blind-sided when we go to court. i asked for the anti-social worker's summary of the family meeting in writing and she simply refused. i asked for a listing of AL and she ignored my request.

not easily daunted, i found the websites and the physical office space of agencies that WOULD assist me and i was able to get what i needed. the dreaded four have now officially declined to move mom to AL and countered that she may live with any one of the four of us. i started the search for services here before i left Hotlanta and had an email response on my desk when i arrived yesterday.

this restaurant has been in the area for some time. i love old diners and prefer non-franchised places to eat. it has an old time feel to it. the food while not spectacular was good. i would love to go for a late night/early morning visit as i believe the clientele will have changed. it is an easy find - right there on Ponce de Leon not far from the glitzy central core of Atlanta. stray from The Underground and Coca-Cola for a spell and see more of the real thing.

Sweetness

Sweetness
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

i was worried. this was my first paid child portrait. heck, it was my first portrait session, period. mom was 45 minutes late getting here. i thought maybe she changed her mind and simply wanted to go to ProEx or JCPenney portrait studio. i dutifully set up my lights and a backdrop and had my wife pose so i could set the background light and the mainlight. it worked. although this was not perfect, it was damn close. that little studio lighting class really was worth every penny i paid to attend. meet my little model. her mother is my wife's friend. she and her husband just recently signed the divorce papers. i have been offering them both some portraits of their darling daughter for months now. mom decided to give it a shot. i made her an incredible offer - cheap setting fee and you can keep the disc. i agreed to shoot some medium format as well. i hope to leave those negatives to be developed tomorrow and pick up early next week. my little angel squirmed and fretted but settled down and apart from the flash burn on her arms, all things came out fairly well. i wish i had been able to keep the flower in the frame, but i was actually watching her face instead. live and learn. hey, want a cheap portrait before my prices go up?

Be a Pepper

 

my family is currently embroiled in conflict regarding the care of my mother. the police, the court system and now social services are involved. this all happens some 14 hours away from where i live. only 3 by plane. my sisters are probably weary of the unending tasks associated with caring for our mother. she needs constant attention and has both elements of dementia and paranoia that she experiences. i am guessing on a really bad day, they have to deal with both of these extreme emotional states.

now my younger sister, the lawyer, and my oldest sister took my other sister to court for abusing my mother. i know that emotions are running hot because this made my blood boil. i was thinking things and having blurred vision while my father told me about all this. he really wants me to get this situation under control quickly. i have some ideas but i am not sure anyting i have to say can remedy this situation. there is some considerable embarrassment because we have traditionally been a quiet unassuming and emotionally reserved family. public humiliation and exposure of even this sort feels like we are preparing for the Jerry Springer show. i am shocked that my sisters did this, but i have to tell myself that they must have felt desperate. desperation is the enemy of the thinking person. it starves the mind of reason. now we are exposed and the lines will have been drawn. my job as social worker and middle child is to find a way to extricate us from this horrible ignominy. 

Winding Down

 
it was a tough week. first time in a very long time i was ready to walk away from my job. have asked myself what i could have done differently. i am not sure that i could have made a difference here. the trial loss combined with the supervisory change and family problems leaves me feeling almost overwhelmed. no rest. calls to make and always more work. after yesterday i knew i needed to simply wind down. seeing that little girl cry was more than i could take. her terror becomes my shame. her fear remains on my consciousness. her pending reality is a drain on my emotional resources. if the buck does not stop here, then where does this all end? 

Portal

Portal
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

the portal represents the Twilight Zone that I work in. This place is a TZ because the rules are different and never predictable. Here is my situation. I lost my first TPR (Termination of Parental Rights) trial last month. The judge took about a month to make her decision. I was flummoxed when she came back with a TPR on mom and a return to custody on dad.

We were granted a few weeks to re-integrate this child into dad's home with Protective Supervision and an opportunity to evaluate the safety of the home for the child. Grandmother changed her mind...that meant I had to look at immediate reunification. My conscience was bothering me. "What part of Child Protection did i fail to understand? FAST FORWARD. The judge orders reunification within 3-4 weeks beginning with in home supervised visitation. The Guardian ad Litem and I show up with the child; the father refuses to allow the GAL to enter and I cancel the visit. BTW, he has requested a new CPSW because...you fill in the blank. STALEMATE.

By Any Other Name

Rose
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

there is a rat here in Denmark. it has come through the back door of our hearts. toxic family interactions, lying, cheating, scheming. all for some or part of my mother's estate. she has severe dementia...not Alzheimer's, but a dementia brought on by too many years of not taking care of herself - sacrificing for her children and family. who knows what nutritional deficits my mother faced? what i do know is that something is really rotten when family members can't talk with each other and have to have a social worker intervene to resolve what should be relatively simple. let's see - my family consists of a teacher, an attorney, a pastor, a social worker and an educator. if we can't resolve our family issues, i know what will happen. the prospect frightens me. it is not easy being on the other side of the Looking Glass, Alice.

the alternative is allow other people to make decisions for my mother. they do not love her. they will have to base their decisions on a computerized matrix dimensional model. what the hell does that mean. data in; answers out.

Red Phoenix

Red Phoenix
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

This sculpture/flowerpot holder is part of the fathers' day present i received from my children and my wife. i really like it. i like that it is recylcled and that there has been some renovation of the original materials. we need to do more like that with our wastes instead of merely filling up the earth with our trash. yes, much of it is biodegradeable, but why do we need so much? just because we can! that is a silly answer. kind of like why we are the most powerful country in the world today - just because we are. by whose standards one might begin to ask. how does one define powerful? i think it is the "one with the most toys, wins" philosophy. that means we are being good Calvinists. we are the best because we are "highly favored" by God, one must also presume. but what if that is really not the case. what if God is waiting to see what we do with the "all" that we have? what if we really do have a responsibility to the needy, the weak and infirm? what if we are only supposed to take what we need and leave the rest for others? what if Hell is already filled with capitalists (not your Ayn Rand capitalist, but your standard, "I am rich because I am smarter than all you other poor slobs, kind of capitalist)? what if we have only so much time to reverse the ravages of this planet before we run out of resources? what if there is no reversal and the slide down the slippery slope is accelerated? that is a lot of what ifs! this is partly spawned by something my eight-year-old told me after soccer tonight. one of the children in his child care program called him a slave today. here we are 2006; the Reds have been telling us that all things being equal is what we as a nation have been striving for. unfortunately some of the people have not heard the message and still live in this country's darkest ages. renaissance of oppression and slavery and women's suffrage...i for one have no desire to return to the good ol' days of the 50s and 60s. my folks did not have it quite so good. Voting Rights Act - Sit Ins - Democaratic National Convention Chicago 1968 - Kent State - separate but equal education....no i think the post 911 Homeland Security is about all the rights i can lose right now. but what if...?