Hell Week

-Every school year at colleges and universities around the US fraternities and sororities have pledge week, often referred to as Hell Week. Child Protection Services is just like that all the time. This has been a particularly hellish week. A two and one half day trial in which the parent whose rights we seek to terminate had his own mother testify against him. This was brutally painful for me even though I knew that it was coming. This same father requested that his mother not be allowed to see her own grandchild (this before she testified). The judge indicated other wise as she had travelled from another state to come here to offer her support to her son. She could not tell other than the truth, though and the truth was painfully obvious. This afternoon I have a hold hearing for a three day old baby who may not survive the week. Born cocaine positive, this child has serious medical problems. I know that God has a special place in heaven for these little children who were unfairly and unlovingly conceived and brought into this world. We only know that mother is in between jail cells in two or three counties awaiting charges and or sentencing on felony offenses. Although the other two court hearings this week were not psychologically demanding, they also took an emotional toll. The effect is somewhat cumulative and the process for re-humanization takes time. One mother who has an intelligent and creative child refuses to let him go and live with a family this thirteen year old picked out for himself. There is no issue with the family, only mother's selfishness as her son has always taken care of her. She recently completed her 18 chemical dependency treatment. I hope we can make it to the end of the month sobriety-wise for her. The probability is slim. Last, and surely, not least insignificant is the mother who repeatedly has gotten drunk and assaulted her own children. She swears she is off the sauce now, but impatiently wants us to return her tramuatized children to her immediately. She knows that she is cured, but does not accept that she has contributed to the trauma that her children have witnessed and experienced - a husband who viciously assaulted her; the sexual vicitimization of her six-year old daughter when she was too drunk to notice; and the cruel beating of her own son. So, how was your week?

It is the Egg!

 
i think it was the chicken that came first. the chicken was a mutation from some other animal...some little dinosaur-like thing that was able to survive in the primordial savanna. maybe because of its size or tenacity. maybe there were just so many.

how is it that i am thinking about the existential question? it is mid-January here in Minnesota. this time of year it is usually sub-zero (often for days on end) with a brisk breeze to keep us indoors. this has been one very warm January. i think about what we are doing to our climate here. how long will it be before the monsoons begin in the Sahara and the penquins have to leave the Antartic because it is too warm? what happens to the tiny little mites and bugs that feed the larger bugs and birds and small prey that the coyotes, wolves and bobcats live on? when will we know? will it be cataclysmic or will we just wake up one day to radiation poisoning and skin cancer? what will the survivors look like? remember Mad Max?

as teh degradation and changes accelerate, will 1st World nations take even more? we have been privileged so far. why not find ways to direct the clean air flows to the USA and Europe. We are still the economic engines of the known universe, n'est pas? the egg might be our salvation. maybe we all need stop and slow down. re-urbanize and re-organize so that we can slow down the deterioration.

back to my real world now. wish me happy birthday. 

60 x 50

i have put on a few extra pounds since i adopted my first child almost 9 years ago now. it is time for me to get back into better shape. the numbers above refer to the number of pounds i hope to lose by my 50th birthday - exactly one year. a combination of drinking more water and less beer; healthy eating and a significant increase in exercise. here is to starting out right.

Smile

 
just a cool photo! 

Misery Loves Company

Why does this have to be such a cliche in our lives? why do we seek to make others feel as awful as we do? when do we spread the mirth and joy? help me understand this phenomenon. thanks!

Winter Vacation

 
we took a couple of days and got away from it all...or so we thought. it really is hard to get away from yourself. don't get me wrong. we had some laughs and plenty of fun. we had some good food and played some games. we actually got to go away from everyday worries for awhile. for me that meant that i did not have to think about someone else's children for three consecutive days. i managed to accomplish that. i read part of a very good book, Sleeping with the Devil. now though i am back at the real world. it is my mother's birthday. it is also my sister in law's birthday. we still need to get her a present. could not find what she might have liked at the gift shop. Val did not like that one bit. she was appalled that i bought sweatshirts for the kids and they picked out a present for the other Mom in their lives. GUFFAW! Well we can still wander over to Valu Village to find something for her. we could take her car (she has mine) but she took her keys with her. there are some control issues in our relationship. we do what she wants unless it reaches that point where i can tolerate no more. this image you see is the view from our window. i found this view quite pleasant. i enjoyed this view. i needed the peace and quite for a few minutes. so much chatter; so little actually said. hope you liked the view as much as i did. it is good to be home again. i can sleep in my own uncomfortable bed. 

grieving the past

since 2006 just started i wanted to take a preemptive strike for all the losses we will have in this year. we are going to lose family and friends. this is especially true at my age of 49. those we know begin to have illnesses related to age and consumption. we drank or ate too much. we played to hard and did not exercise enough. we watch as the heroes and sheroes of our celluloid youth die. not that we really knew them but they help us mark time. i can remember the losses. i can anticipate the losses. both my parents are old and have survived well. my father has diabetes and is overweight. my mother has had kidney problems and now has dementia. i do not know how long each of them has; as i do not know how long i have myself. when i was younger, i was an exercise freak. i rode my bicycle to work; i walked the lakes; i walked to the nearby grocery store. i did not need a health club. i was vibrant. i now have children and we rush from here to there in anticipation of having better life. we rush from school and work to get home so we can get our chores/homework done; then we rush off to rock climbing or swimming at the club.

we are seeing the demise of many of our electronic friends. i have CDs; my daughter bought herself and iPod before Christmas. She now customizes her music the ways she wants, much like I did with cassetes and CDs. i was one of the early converts. yes, i loved my vinyl records. i loved the portability of the Walkman and i even own and MP3 player. i have a PDA and now a Blackberry so i do not have to have both cell and PDA. i shoot both film and digital cameras and enjoy both for different reasons. i watch and listen as the criers begin their death knell for film. it has become epic in terms of what is considered photography. we own a portable DVD player for car trips. we own this and that. we have books on tape, and books on DVD. we have GPS that replaced my compass. we have backpacks and suitcases with wheels so we protect our backs. we have travel mugs to keep our organic certified fair trade coffee the right temperature. we have REAL books and magazines. we have a dog and a bird and guinea pig.

so what is it that i am likely to lose this year? a lens cap for my camera or perhaps a body cap. i am going to miss some killer scenery while i fiddle with one of my electronic devices meant to assist me in capturing that once in a lifetime momemnt. i am going to miss a meal; a story; a glimpse into the future while my kids are playing. i am going to lose a friend and perhaps a parent. i already miss siblings that have strained relationships with me because of the conflict as to how our parents should be treated. i am going to lose my hair as it continues to thin. i am going to lose my hearing because it either just happens or i am exposed to so much ambient noise. i am likely to lose an emotional battle with myself related to some personal issue. i hope i can lose some of the accumulated weight and some of the accumulated stuff that goes along with the weight gain. i am likely to see another Richard Pryor or Hepburn or James Earl Jones die in my life. some of those news anchors have gotten long in the tooth as well.

in the midst of all this loss, i want to stop and enjoy the moment rather than the anticipation of what i might ___________.

this is America!

 
today my children played outside all day. they came inside to change into dry gloves and warm up enough to go back outside and play. this play seems like a luxury to me after the conversation i had with New Year's Eve celebrants. i got into a discussion with a couple of retired military men. they have a much different interpretation of the War with Iraq. seems that it is payback time. i had the distinct feeling though that it is payback for Vietnam and Grenada and some other skirmishes we have had around the world with armies who have not fought traditional warfare like we do. we are going to make the Iraqis pay for the bombing of the WTC towers and the partial destruction of the Pentagon. we are going to make them (Middle Easterners) pay for being Muslim; for having differnt ideas about political leadership around the world; about treating women differently than we treat ours (LOL); about equality and the need for flattened hierarchies in leadership; but most importantly, we are going to make them pay for threatening our way of life. we do not feel secure anymore. time to lash out. our soil has been invaded. time for payback. the primordial line in the sand has been crossed. we are no longer responsible for our behaviors, actions, ideologies; despotism anymore. the mead he made was quite tasty. guess we have it both ways. we can disagree and still share a drink.