Excerpts

Girl,

I see you changed your eyes from brown to blue!
Tell me honey, what dat do?
Your lovely mocks me, ignores my tears designed by you.
Tell me honey, what dat do?

We ain't shame of being Westside
What little we got, we kept our pride!
You sneer and grin to save your hide.
You stepped up in it, got on the wrong side!

Educated fool, won't heed the golden rule.
All you get, they'll take at will
The very day you ain't their shill!
So tell us, baby what dat do?

Lordy, gal, you just on a spree?
Maybe you think you gave us free!
You took our gifts and picked us clean.
Now we see, your eyes are green!

Jodie's coming to collect his pay!
For all who stood and paved your way.
Your goose is cooked, it's nearly burned.
Tell me honey, why can't you learn?

Didn't know you was a queen?
Why trade your crown for shiny things?
Laid down in trash, like all the rest!
Shame on you - can't pass this test!

Now, tell me honey,
Just, what dat do?

X
________________

One small sample of the rings of pain associated with the preventable loss of contact with our mother. One sibling's pain transformed into words. The pen is mightier than the sword.
________________________

Carter G. Woodson
Carter G. roll over gently in your grave. Who would have ever thought that one of your own blood would become a master's pet. Our distant relative. Fought for our right and to become educated. He would never have guessed this could happen.

I recall another quote that I probably learned at my mother's skirt, "You can kill a man but you can't kill an idea." Medgar Evers

The idea is one that my family has been involved with for decades - Freedom!

We have elected to, "Live free or die" On the souls of all that have come before us, freedom is all that we ask. Freedom sweet freedom! What dat do? Liberty or Death

Rosa Parks regarded by many as an important force in the civil rights movement started her courageous act with simple defiance of something that she could no longer tolerate. She was just fed up with a LIE. Who is telling you lies?

There are many more heroes and sheroes in this parade. History wants us to forget about the freedoms that we have so fervently pursued. Scream at the top of your lungs. FREEDOM!

Alternate Universe

Alternate Universe
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

We all have free will. We can choose to be nice or peaceful or evil or wise or truculent. We may not always be aware of our choices, but they exist. Each moment in our lives is a choice immediately followed by another. That makes our existence difficult at times, but so rewarding at others. With free will comes temptation and indulgence. With free will comes consequence. With consequence comes punishment and reward. Reward leads to repeating the behavior with the hope of more reward. Many of us also forget that extinction works almost as powerfully as reward. We want to avoid the negative consequences for our behaviors (maybe thoughts and feelings since we do not have a firm grasp on this).

We confuse temptations offered with reward. We convince ourselves that we somehow deserve that which is placed before us. Status, money, power, lust, fame are but a few. That is our failing. We falsely assume that we can repeat the rewards. Often we may, but what happens when we do find that single honest (wo)man? Are we willing to risk it all? It seems that too many of uss are. Do I want to tempt fate?

Somewhere in the midst of all this comes justice and righteousness. The signals coming in are deterrents to clarity. Evil seeks to derail us all and deprive us of what we might have. Gluttony, murder, lust. Some of those deadly sins. Vanity according to Dustin Hoffman. We are repeatedly sought out for our weaknesses rather than our strengths. Humility is the key. Don't rest on your laurels. One right choice does not a saint make.

Pathetique

Sometimes my job truly sucks. I am working with a mother. She has four children with two different dads. She is strung out again and can't take care of her children. She has had at least a couple of treatments since this time last year. Her kids finally reach her on the telephone...she simply tells them not to call her anymore - it is too hard for her. Now this becomes my job. How do I soothe their tortured souls?

I am working with another mom. Drug of choice - meth. Ice and crank for those of you in the know. Highly addictive. Worse than crack they say. Controlled by motorcycle gangs where I live. She visits with her kids weekly. She does not do her UAs. She does not participate in therapy. She does not think that her meth habit is bad. She knows people who have it really bad. Of course, they either already lost their kids or are in the system yet. She whined today because everybody she knows is locked up or incarcerated somewhere.

What does this have to do with Ms POA? Nothing and everything. She would prefer that total strangers have better access to our mother than we should. She finally takes ancient advice and elects to get out mother into Adult Daycare. Horrible when we thought of it and suggested it. Brilliant when the idea "dawned" on her and the CNAs. See that I am invited to visit with my mother at the ADC, as long as I call ahead. Number provided, but not her scheduled days there. That would not be fair. Keep us guessing or at the least keep us on the edge of insanity. Talk with the HEADMASTER first. You beginning to get the gist of how this is all supposed to work? I am!

What Now

My sister's custom made order came in the mail over the weekend. I know that the judge wanted to get this off his desk as quickly as possible. In reality we have to make a decision about choosing to continue this or making the choice to settle back and wait for their next move. In reality this tail is still wagging the dog. Here are the new developments. My mother has a new CNA. Her name is the same as a Japanese electronics company that we have had conflict with because of security violations. Why are children named so capriciously by their parents?

My mother allegedly will be attending an adult daycare program a few afternoons per week. We first mentioned this to Ms POA a bit more than a year ago. About the same time that we first started the major conflict with my sister. Imagine my surprise to hear that it is the same center that CKL and I first toured while I was there. Imagine my surprise that we are all invited to come by and visit. Imagine that the director has been given information about all of us? I can only imagine what the specific details include. How does one spell freak C-O-N-T-R-O-L. If it is not here idea it has no merit or value. Of course, even though we have not been able to see my mother - musical charades and chairs - we are invited to visit with her on one of the undefined afternoons at said ADC. Would she actually be there if I were to fly down to Hotlanta?

Orders from the Court

My sister had her nearly verbatim request transferred to an order. It reads that I abducted my mother with the assistance of my brother and father; that we all conspired to interfere with Ms POA; that we should no longer interfere with her POA and may only have specific kinds of contact with my own mother. That nebulous 'interference" is part of the annoying nature of all that is going on. Round goes to the one of us who went to law school. Next skirmish is yet to be determined. Dare we consider appealing the wise old judge's decision or allow her to have this as a Pyrrhic victory? Suggestions surely considered.

Today I Dare to Dream, Again

Still cold here. The temperature is hovering around 0F. That certainly is not record setting cold, but we have short memories and fantasies that winters were never this bad before. My first winter in MN, resulted in 23 inches of fresh snow, plummeting temperatures and a number of deaths. This was January 1975. I remember this fondly because I left Chicago on a Greyhound and it was still snowing when I arrived in Mankato, many hours later. It snowed steadily for a couple of days. School was cancelled and the Highway Patrol issued travel warnings and started to close the interstate highways. Of course the crazed college students played in the snow and dared to venture out to the gym for pickup basketball games.

Other things I recall about the weather here. I recall that we always had a warm spell in January. Sometimes referred to as the Thaw. Temperatures in the 50s and 60s and then the return to our normal January temps.

This year there was not really a thaw. Not weather-wise at least. My life went through a brief thaw-like period. A couple of good weeks around my birthday. But the freeze is back in again. I am weary of all the emotional trauma and drama. Without going into too much detail, suffice it to say that the joy of the rollercoHow aster wears thin after some time. Being an introvert struggling to live in the world where extroversion is encouraged is difficult. There are so many times when I wish to retreat into a book or some quiet place. But not so easily done. The demands on my energy and time are constant.

How many of us have allowed our dreams to simply die? We compromised and made deals with our devils. We became shells of ourselves for convenience sake or social pressure. We let go of the very idealism that kept us alive when we were young and ready to change the world so that it could just be a better place. When did we stop putting our best foot forward? When did we start to listen to the naysayers? When did we stop loving life and start fearing death? When did we become so careful?

This year will continue to be a year of reflection; a review of the life I have lead until now and a preparation for the kind of life I want to live now and in my future. My dignity and self-respect have to stay intact. I want to know about love (and hurt); life and death; humility and honor. I am going to have to dream the impossible dream.

Snowfall

We all over slept here at this house this morning. It would not be unusual for my wife and daughter to sleep all day if the house were quiet enough. It was unusual for my son and for me. I am usually awake before dawn and the kid is just moments behind me. We managed to get them fed and into my wife's car and off to school. My son left his lunch on the table with breakfast. I decided this was a good day for me to have lunch with him. I rushed off to work; through the snow and frost. Seems we have again forgotten how to maneuver around when a bit of the fluffy stuff finds the ground. Maybe it is GLOBAL WARMING that is to blame. Minnesota is no longer the frigid ice box in the USA. More migration here from all those places because of our history of great welfare. Nah...I think it is just numbskulls driving trucks with poor traction and differential problems and the SUV drivers who think they are impervious to skidding, sliding and damage. I made it in to work.

Tomorrow is another busy court day. Hearing in the morning. Hearing in the afternoon and paperwork and such in between.

Miracles Everyday

some great photos from the party. we have had better parties or at least more controversial parties, but this was a one-0f-a-kind enjoyable party. perhaps because it was so cold outside or maybe just because the kids are better able to care for themselves. this party was not without problems. i had to take one of the kids home in the early a.m. i had to struggle to keep my eyes open at 4:30 a.m.

killing me softly with his song. this one reminds me how important it is to say what you think about people when they can hear you. so tell people that you love them, or tell them what they mean to you. my family is that important to me. how important are your loved ones?

Who are your heroes today?

-30F

it is cold here tonight. we have a house full of 9-10 year old boys here for a birthday party. i do not think we ever had sleepovers when i was a kid. probably just a peculiarity of my own upbringing. my daughter is sleeping over someone else's house tonight herself. maybe this is the modern version of getting a sitter for the night. maybe we just do not have enough time for the kids to spend together during the day. these young ruffians have eaten DQ ice cream cake, munched on pizza and grapes and pineapple and sucked down gallons of soda. should be an interesting evening as they start to drop off (it is just after midnight now).

modern relationships have strange and amorphous boundaries. i worked this party with my wife and ex-wife and ex's boyfriend for a while. these kids all play basketball or soccer or go to the same after school program together. they have had a blast. i thought we should let them choose their own activities. my wife thought we should go out in the arctic weather to find a movie that these kinetic energy balls have not seen. inertia proved to be smarter than all of us. as some of the kids arrived later than others they were able to blend into activities already started. you can only imagine the energy that Naruto and Cartoon Network can generate.

i will wake the boys up in the morning and make them all breakfast while my wife dashes off to church. she is dancing tomorrow. i will miss Sunday School.

Influenza A

it has been a harried week here at our house. LK had a raging fever last week and ended up with the flu. means no school. he missed a birthday party on Saturday and a basketball game. he was miserable so everyone around him was miserable. we spent 3 solid days here at home. it was getting colder and we watched cartoons and read books and opened his birthday presents early on Monday.

Tuesday I had a tough day. My wife was also home as she had managed to splash hot oil and steam into her face and wrist while cooking. she usually will not heed any suggestion i offer so we had her call the nurse's line. they told her exactly what i had told her. they spent more time talking with her and getting details and information. she would not take the analgesic though. go figure. it is almost as if it were all my fault. i tried to warn her that she was cooking at too high a temperature, but why listen to me. add in one sick child and i feel like mashed potatoes tonight. i had to keep the kid home for three days and he decided he was ready for school on Thursday.

i missed three pleasant days from work and then had the run-in with one of those never likeable professional victims that seem to be all over my caseload right now. after she gave me a mouthful of her observations on life and religion, she called me right back this morning to tell me how horrible I am and that she should not be talking with me at all. I agreed she should listen to her attorney. but she is trying....always trying and never getting enough encouragement from me. she can't believe that i am not paid to be her cheerleader. it is often incredible to see the expression on a client's face when they find out that i am really the child's worker and court liaison rather than the adult worker.

home to chaos and mayhem, but it is mine, so here i am...end of the week, and it is colder than imaginable to the rest of the country. but we like it here.

Blammo!

From Rodney

This is the way life happens at times. Last week, I was ready to shut off the porch light. My wildly maniacal sister had sent me tottering over the edge. I was tired of being nice and compassionate; frustrated with lack of information. Then out of the clear sky (not blue) she dials my cell phone and tells me my mother wishes to speak with me. I am floored and talk with my mom for a spell. She is very coherent and wants to know why all the family numbers have disappeared. I assure her that I will get her all the many ways she might contact me. I will send her a package of business cards; at least one for all the "estranged" children.

My mother hangs up before I can tell her I want to speak with Ms POA. I call back and simply and politely thank her. I am left wondering though what she has going on. Could it be the message I sent the aging and protection social worker? Could it simply be a softening of the volcanic rock control she has tried to exert? Does it matter?

Friday evening I tried my first modeling portfolio shoot. This is one of the images from that shoot. He and I had a bit of fun. We also had a stylist working with us. She helped him select clothing and she helped get him loosened up while I was shooting. R is a co-worker who wishes to do a bit of modeling. I hope he finds work for two reasons. I did his shoot for free; hoping to get a bit of exposure myself; and I simply hope he gets what he wants as well. Alls well that ends well.

Lights Out!

Daily calls to and from family. All this and I still feel as if I am in the Twilight Zone. Something wierd either just happening or just about to happen. Never quite know which way to turn and what to expect. The world as we were taught it is forever changed. Something as innocuous as Pluto no longer being the 9th planet in our solar system. How do you think Pluto feels? Devalued as a heavenly body. From this to that in a blink of an eye. Of course, I am making the assumption that Pluto cares or is concerned about what we think of its status.

My sister says we have left the porch light on long enough. Keeping this torch lit by the door for someone's safety is unrealistic. The threat is actually to the people waiting for the thief to slide in during the night. It is sensible to make it as difficult as possible for the barbarians to assault the gates. These metaphors are fun. Kind of cathartic. Since the virtual pen is mightier than the legal sword, perhaps I can find a way to slay the dragon before we are too singed and burned to have recognition of each other.

These are difficult times we live in. What say you, kind neighbor?

Benign Neglect

We have such a wonderful world that we live in. The air and water are not really too contaminated. We have the ability to have some beautiful days and magnificent sunsets and such. Sunrises probably as well, but I seldom see those anymore. Not that I am sleeping; simply that the stuff of everyday life keeps me from taking that simple moment to pause and reflect. Another day. Another blessing. Another chance to reach out and touch someone's hand. How is it that we so often do not do these things? What could be so very important that we do not pause? Getting a cup of Joe at Starbuck's?! Rushing around to get to work, to make money that we will spend one something or other that we really do not need. Try as we might, the advertisers suck most of us in. We want bigger homes that we spend less time in; larger cars that insulate us from the world around us; taller office buildings with cubicles and partitions that separate us from each other. The people doing the most sensitive work get the smaller spaces, but age and opportunity abound for each of us to accumulate TIME so that we might one day achieve the same amount of mediocrity that so many of us not-so-secretly despise.

We work so that we can one day enjoy what little life we have left. Some of us contemplate never retiring, simply because we can't afford to do so, whether that be financially or psychologically. I am probably a resident of both camps. Late to marry and then to divorce so I have spent part of the pension on attorney fees and such. Not to worry though as I can't envision not having a reason to rise in the morning...or to stay up all night for. What will this generation's legacy be? Graft. consumerism, pollution, destruction of environment and family? Your guess is as good as mine. The two parties will mudsling and assign blame rather than addressing the issues - it is a way of keeping themselves employed. How many stakeholders and agencies do this dance of we need you and you need us. I often ask myself if I could work myself out of a job in CP. Unfortunately, while a noble goal, I do not see this happening in the "reasonably foreseeable future."

What if we just let all the systems go into benign neglect mode? Would there be a natural correction? What if people stopped polluting the earth today? How long might it take to restore what we have come to think of as equilibrium? Are we anything more than a flea on the back of this dog, anyway?

A Sign of My Time

A Sign of My Time
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

here i am...amazingly the fortune cookie from lunch today said that i bring out the best in others. there were connections between my old and new friends that i was not aware of. people were suprised to see others there with me. i enjoyed having known that my neighbor and my ex-gf from college had dated. that my former roommate knew her from somewhere else. i saw friends that i have not seen for far too long. nice gathering friends...this was a good reminder of who am and who i am not. Thanks!

Touch

Touch
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

Last night I attended an awards banquet...Marriage and Family Therapists. People who get paid to talk and listen for a living. It was a wonderfully warm experience. Talking about pain - theirs and the pain of others. It was a pleasure to be in the company of some of these people that I have only known as names and CVs when I made a referral for some kind of therapy or the other.

Apart from the awards there was a CEU presentation involving movement. Movement is the pinnacle of perfection for MFTs. We live to move people from their stuck positions in life, relationships, love, work, family...you name it. The methodology chosen to move the Talking Heads is the Tango.

I do not know what imagery the TANGO elicits from your brain, but I consider the tango an extremely visceral and "in the moment" kind of life experience. Think touching and not touching. Think hot and sensual. Think about not thinking and simply going with the flow. Flow is another one of those instincts or urges we have come to suppress in our lives. It is probably related to intuition and insight or total awareness not 5 dependent sensitive.

Touch and Movement. Often quite enough to change the dynamics of a relationship. Changes can be positive or not. Changes can be subtle or obvious. Change that can be immediate or time-released. One of the therapists I admire was there. He has written books on short-term kind of change. I will sum it up in a quick phrase. If you have been banging your head against the wall and it hurts; stop. We all have the power to change the multilayered interrelationships we have in our lives - Simply do one thing different. You know!

Plain Brown Wrapping

We meet a lot of people in the course of our lives. Some are fancy packages that we must be careful with. Some are simply the plain brown wrapped package. Ask yourself which of these two possibilities you are.

Do your friends think of you as high maintenance?

Are you always seeking to be in the limelight or the center of attention?

Do you want people to see you in "all the right places?"

Asking yourself, what difference do any of the above really mean? Are people more likely to like you if you have the right credit card; graduated from the right law school, medical school, or MBA program? Can you be a simple but effective person? Is Harvard the only indication of your intelligence? Do you really need to drop names? I hope not.

My mother disappeared again this week. It seems that the PIC (short hand for People In Charge) made a decision that we could not be of assistance and would merely complicate the already preposterous. I spoke with Ms POA and explained my frustration. No compassion, nor a phone call from her, sister POA, jr., a CNA or anyone else. Just shut out of my mother's life. No further explanation needed. Magically, my mother reappeared today. Simply everything back to the pretend normal state of affairs.

Another child has been liberated and is eligible for adoption. This one was hard. I had considerable hope for the mom. Tuesday evening I picked up four siblings who are headed down this same path with their mother. Seems she took her son out for a stroll; apparently to be her interpreter or her bodyguard while she procured some crack. Fourteen year old son was angry and notified all the right people. Too bad it came to this.

5o on Sunday. My turn to become one of the sages. My turn to offer what little wisdom I might have now. No presents; no jokes about 5o being old or half-dead. Just wish me a happy birthday and share your wisdom with me. I think this is as plain as I can get wrapped. Thanks in advance.

Update

I have an update. Sometimes I hear that it does help to keep the porchlight on. My sister's dog returned after a long weekend and a few days of missing from the back yard. He left when he wanted and returned when he was ready. Hopee that transfers to my sister, although I doubt that she is as loyal or intelligent as the dog. My mother is MIA since Sunday or so. I had a conversation with my sister regarding contact with her but she did her usual loud and pompous response. I am.... and you are not.

Work is really tough. I am losing it all right now. Feel like I am drowning.

More later.

Today

We will have another busy day. Basketball game, then I go to work and supervise a visit; from there to my studio for a model portrait session; from there to a party with some friends. It might be dinner, or a movie. I do not know yet. Looking forward to the cold weather and time to simply relax. As it is I am listening to crackle of burning wood in the fireplace. This is what winter is really about. Rest. Restoration. Peace. The other seasons all have so many things one must simply do. Mow the lawn. Rake the leaves. Paint the house. Oh, how I simply like the quietness of this day.

One Moment in a Lifetime

One Moment in a Lifetime
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

Father and daughter have not seen each other in years. it seems that "his baby mama" is having some problems. Father and daughter will never be able to recover those days lost.

Work

We all, for the most part, have something that we like to do. Something we enjoy and would do it whether we got paid handsomely for it or not. Some are lucky and do get compensation that most of us can only dream about. Athletes (mostly male), actors and actresses, some performers whether they be musicians or theatre artists, some medical professionals, some attorneys, and many CEOs. I am not so sure though that the CEOs like what they are doing as much as they like the compensation. What got me to thinking about this? The studio. Everyone I have told about it has offered me congratulations. I think many of us want to do something creative or fun, but we worry too much about the bills. The stuff of our dreary lives. That is NOT me. As that astute man says in the beer commercial, "We will be dead long enough". Live is for enjoying, not fretting about what might happen in an uncertain future.

Here is what I know:
We might have global warming.
We might have another mainland USA terrorist attack.
We might have flooded coasts.
We might have avian flu.
We might have regular flu.
We might have more problems than we can shake a stick at.
We might have more troops in Iraq again soon.
We might have a long "not war" on our hands.
We might kill a few more of our youth and future.
Oil prices are falling today.


I think the list could be longer, but I think most of you will get the point here. Our future really is uncertain, yet we plan anyway. We have thirty-year mortgages. We have life insurance and pension plans. We might not live that long.

We have been taught to suspend our present for the uncertain future. The future feels more uncertain today than it did during the COLD WAR. Michael Crichton writes that we are living in a state of fear, because that is one of the methods of chaos and mind control that our government uses or endorses to placate the masses. We always need an external enemey. We no longer have the might Red Bear. We will continue to invent crises. Panama, Grenada, Mexico and the border problem, illegal immigration, beef beefs with Canada. Is this some way of avoiding the real issues we have here. Inequality! Poverty! Racism! Homophobia! Intolerance! Whose image are we striving to copy?

Ever dream of abandoning the rat race? What have your peers told you? Just think that misery wants company.

Payraises

i had a thought related to the previous blog on TRYING. closely related to the tryers are people who talk and think about doing things. they think about losing weight and cleaning their closets. they think about graduate school and getting jobs.

giving the working poor a raise. i am already anticipating the news reports from those employers that are busy giving the CEOs astronomical salaries with even more compensation tied to management performance. in MN, the senators are looking at giving themselves a raise. of course, these people have important positions. we have to give them something close to what they could make in the private sector. my wife used to be a private sector employee who now works for a quasi-public employer now.

sending more girls and boys off to the slaughter in Iraq. not enough can be said about this at all. staying the course, no matter the cost.

Rantings

it seems that of late most of the posts have not been meditations, but actual rants. ranting about work and my crazy family and the people around me. 2007 has to be the year, the place and time when i am restored to my center. focusing my energy and attention on the things that matter to me; that are important to me. i will not let the dregs take away my bliss; my sincere appreciation for life. there comes a time when compartmentalization becomes essential to the survival of the entity. this is that time.

my son gave me a random hug today. we had a nice chat in the car on the way home. it is a good time to connect with him...he talks for a while and then i take a turn. i am focused on the drive and he on the ride, so we do not actually have to pay close attention. so much gets accomplished during this time. it used to be the same way with my daughter, but she is rushing headfirst into her teen years. she is right and the center of the universe as we know it and everyone needs to just back off and give her room. that is until she needs a ride, some money or some attention. i am a second-class citizen with the child who formerly thought i was better than American Cheese Singles.

My world is good...this is all happening just as it should. it is all happening for a reason that may not be clear to me for many years to come. i only have to get through these trials intact, not unscathed. there are more friends hiding in the woods waiting to offer a hand than i know. the good that i have done will surely come back to me now that i need goodness.

Hope

trying...we live in a culture of people who are always trying. trying to lose weight; tyring to stop smoking; tyring to get a better job...trying to....makes you wonder if anyone ever accomplishes anything. my sisters in ATL are busy trying to take advantage of my mother. my clients are doing their best to get their children back. it is all so very trying (if you get my message). aren't we tired of trying to win the pointless war in Iraq. wouldn't it be nice if the political administration stopped trying to convince the people about the true agenda. but that would not be the true way. the true way is t take advantage of the people closest to you. the true way is to lie, cheat and manipulate systems so that no matter what you have going for you.

when your game is found out, rather than come clean, you must simply repeat the cycle of lies and cons so that repetition becomes the new truth. say it loudly and with true confidence so that you can more easily manipulate those who might need to inform themselves and make decisions.

too many trying people living like this. it is more than i can stomach. i say let's try the simple truth. can you handle that though?

So, What is Next?

no rest for the weary, i tell you. we have moved the holiday spirit out of our house. tree is nude again and so barren. the ornaments and indoor lights are gone. banished back to the basement, storage shed and attic. the gew gaws and knick knacks have joined them until next year. so much for bright lights and the promises of a new year. what is the rush anyway? i have never understood the rush to put it up and then to take it down all over again.

fifty approaching. count down has begun. i have told my wife - no party! she is flummoxed as to how we can celebrate this occasion. i told her no ski trip. how about a nice lunch? that should do it. fifty is nifty. i might save some money here. AARP is calling my name.

still feeling sluggish and under the weather. reminds me of the last time i felt like this in the winter. it turned out to be pneumonia. 10 days of bed rest. i was so exhausted i could only get up to let out Cooper (wonder dog) and get some tea and run to the toilet myself. then i would collapse in my bed for a good 6 hours or so. that had to be one of the toughest times of my life. i missed a lot of work. hopefully, i can avoid that this time around by simply getting some of the rest i need. my birthday would be a good time to simply rest.

have to start writing letters soon. letter to Ms POA, asking her to only contact me in writing. e-mail will do if she does not want to send a letter. i have to let the director of my mother's CNAs know that i would like to see a copy of the care plan so that i can have a sense of when, what and where she is physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Some Kind of New Year

The world is awash with backpatters and wellwishers. Happy New Year. We survived another year here on the planet. The people who disseminate information for public consumption have once again told us what it is that we should believe. All the papers had editorials with the turning over of Sadaam as a public good. I disagree. If killing is wrong, it is wrong all the time. Who are we to judge? We created the monster, like so many others, and when we no longer need him or can control her, we eliminate them. I know there is a policy wonk name for this; it presently eludes me.

My sister, who is intimidated by me, called me today to wish me Happy New Year. A slap in the face is what it felt like! Abuse me, then ask me to like it and to continue to be your friend. I will always be your brother, but you can't have it both ways. I will not just ignore what happened just ten short days ago. I will not pretend that all is well between us. Wellwishing aside, I have to endure the reality that you are the frog crawling your way to the top of the pile on the backs of those fallen and injured frogs behind you. I am just leaping out of your way right now. I can't be your victim; not willingly. Tell your story to someone who might need a step-friend or half-brother. I am not he.

It snowed here and all acted as if it were a rarity. We moaned about the lack of snow and complained when it arrived. Know what I mean? I fell asleep before this New Year dawned. It really does not matter; I have time to enjoy it. Staying true to myself.

Musical Mama

Remember playing musical chairs as a child? I do! What brings this on? Two things happened this week that take me down memory lane. We went to the History Center yesterday in search of Kwaanza Celebrations and did not find one. We had a pleasant time though looking at the various exhibits. One in particular displayed a typical 1950-1960s era backyard. A picnic table and hopscotch were the two big attractions. My kids worked on that hopscotch square. It all came roaring back from the deep recesses of my brain. They had fun and I got to see them doing something other than walking around with iPods and handheld games players.

Second thing that happened is that my sisters are actually playing move the mother around the Atlanta metro area. I know that they live many miles apart and her house is somewhere between the two houses, but it really makes it tough since no one from that house ever initiates a call to us. We have to go through the phonebook in order to track her down. It is frustrating. Very frustrating because the court room characterization was something completely different than what was our reality. If one were to listen to the evil twins, one might easily believe that all they do is pamper my mother. To the contrary, I think she is frustrated because they are constantly vigilant and hounding her. Imagine the CNA telling my wife that she was too busy to talk and that it was advised that she call back in the evening when the POA sister might be at home. Also they alleged that all the travelling was too disconcerting for Mama, but JFL has taken her to Charleston (for Thanksgiving) and has recently taken up second residence in her home some place in Marietta. Of course the d$*n CNAs get to travel with her where ever she goes. As long as they are calling the shots about medical care and legal issues, we will not be allowed to have physical contact with Mama. After all, my sister, CT, is terrified of me. I am intimidating to her...how dare I?

Keeping the Porch Light On

Families have traditionally left the porch light on when someone is away. Away for the evening or off at war. My uncle mentioned this to me on the way back from Atlanta. No matter what your family does to you, there should always be hope of reconciliation. We have to because we do not know when we ourselves might cross the line. It's easy to lip off and tell you all the atrocities that my two sisters have committed. It is too easy to vilify them. What I think we all want is resolution. How? Good question!

Pyrrhic Victory

nothing like getting what you have asked for. seems that my sisters may have actually benefitted us in the long run. the judge did declare our mother incompetent. he went on and on about how she was not coherent enough or lucid enough to make a decision. no way to contract; just like a child. if she is not able to do that, then she can't express a desire that one could act upon. we simply have to sit back and wait for the guardianship hearings and process to unfold. that sucks because i suspect the games will continue in the pending process. it is painful to me knowing that those damn CNAs will have some limited control to my access to my mother. it is already playing itself out. CNA answers the phone when my wife calls; tells my wife that Mom is busy and has Alz's and best to call back when Ms POA is at home. i spoke to my mother twice yesterday. she seems to pick up when i call for some reason. i can hardly wait for the next confrontation with the hired witches. Pyrrhic Victory that this may have been for my sisters, it is still a sad day when the parents who paid for her law degree are abused and humiliated in court by her own hand. what price is her dignity? heaven only knows.

Dr Seuss of the Prevarication

Oh the places you go when you tell just one lie
Each lie has a life of its very own; don't cry.
It breathes and seeks company does not want to not die
from neglect or abuse in the ragged pursuit of the light of some truth.
each lie is like a frown or a chipped tooth or crown
still functions somewhat although not at its best
for lying is like dying or wearing a vest.

more decoration than functional is a wearer of vest
surely is. not pants, nor coat but a simple kind of test.
a test of your charisma and smile
ability to fake if just for a while.

each lie has a brother and sister or two
each lie has a way of another one, but two
or more depending on what is the goal. each lie
is a death bell ringing its toll
the toll is for honesty and love and truth
each lie kills a moment of passion and youth
for lies serve no man nor woman it's true
each lie is an insult to me and to you.

today i heard lies like i have not heard
each lie was a gift-wrapped stinking old turd
made up to look like the Rosetta Stone
when in truth this lie was a worn out bone
gnawed and left out for flies
these lies had lies in place of their eyes.

and so in the end...when the lies were all said
the wizened tired judge just bashed in our heads.

OK!

i think i am starting to make some sense of all this. i chased my mother down after a few phone calls at Ms POA's house. Ms POA answered the phone and was so pleasant with me. completely oblivious to the fact that she is suing me and attempting to keep me away from my own mother, unless of course, she or one of her lackeys is supervising me. must be some kind of personality issue resulting from attending law school. a certain section of the law school understands the mechanics of the process but does not comprehend that the actions affect people's lives. we are all patiently hoping that she 1) comes to her senses; 2) accidently leaves the USA (she does not have a passport) and can't get back in; 3) has another PE (this one is the evil thought in my own head). she probably already has some kind of dragon-like representative to take over where she left off. well, news flash, i do not want to be friends with the self-absorbed, fatuous family member who happens to take people's emotions so cavalierly.

i am going to fly to chicago tomorrow, and have my dad and uncle meet me at the airport so we can hasten on down the road to Hotlanta one more time. this time, though i am booking a one-way ticket with no certain return date. will keep posting as long as i can find a Starbucks, Barnes and Noble and a few other T-Mobile HotSpots to log in from. Wish me luck!

What If...?

I am sitting here in Minneapolis.... It is Sunday morning. I have written an email to my sister and her attorney telling them to stay the course. It is unseasonably warm here in a decade characterized by unseasonably warm winters. Minnesota is usually blanketed with snow by this time of year. In a year when we have seen so many changes, I am thinking. I am wondering if Atlantis had been dry land before it was swallowed up by the seas. Global warming is a reality. We can ignore it, but that will not stop the flooding and eventual destruction of human civilization as we know it. Maybe there will be some who will be able to evolve and become sea creatures. May the dolphins and porpoises are already there. Maybe we can slow this down. Maybe we will take drastic measures to reverse the whole process. Somehow I doubt that this will happen. If evil exists simply because the good do nothing, then we all have to act and act now. We have to think about the impact our daily commute takes on the environment. We have to think about our free spending and planned obsolescence business strategies hurt us all in the long run. Why don't we force autmotive manufacturers to build the kind of cars that we know we need? We could if we cared. We could if we would give up the travelling living rooms and entertainment centers that our vehicles have become. We could if we truly understood the implications of one needless trip to the Mall of America or Ikea or National Camera Exchange has on our collective existence. We don't though. We only see the small amount of litter in our own yard. We have great jobs so we do not worry about the cost of rising fuel prices and the rising cost of goods associated with the fuel prices. We have not been good stewards of what was left to us. We will pay and sooner than we think. Malthus was right; he just did not understand that we would reach critical mass for another reason. So go and buy the Christmas and Channukah presents that will soon be in an outerspace landfill. What is the difference between what we want and what we need. What if we really knew and really cared?

Simply, Thanks!

yesterday in the elevator at work, a charming 3 or 4 year old boy smiled at me, and said hello. at that particular moment, it was the most beautiful smile i have ever seen. a gift...love; unconditional and perfect, just as it was given.

two days before when i was at the courthouse for a hearing two beautiful towheaded children squealed with glee each time the elevator descended to the next floor. again, i took a moment, looked at the adults with them and smiled. i shared that each precious moment of life should be appreciated with that much joy. another glorious gift.

why do we needlessly suffer?

...and the beat goes on!

just when you could begin to think that it might possibly be safe to come in away from the dark and cold, out jumps Mata Hari. ready to decimate and destroy with another fleece bag of legerdermain. pompous and self-righteous and indignant. read my lips. i am tiring of this. how much longer must one endure the shenanigans and hoopla of your incessant dog-and-pony showed geared to show us all how smart you are and how smart we are not?

Check!

I was wrong...since our nemesis is playing this "game" for kill, we should employ similar "loving" and equally lethal strategies. A common mistake among socially conscious people. As it appears that she will not be satisfied until she hears the collective death rattles of our hearts, we have to find an equally lethal (to her) but non-lethal (to ourselves and souls) response. I started to wonder if such a thing exists in nature. I came up with a few. Porcupine fish; skunk, porcupine are three that readily come to mind. These are simple but effective defenses. What got me to thinking this way? Seems that Da Judge could choose to have me arrested for my disregard of the Superior Court order from 10/5/06. Don't they have better things to do with their time? Or do some (note, I am not blaspheming ALL attorneys) attorneys have so little to really do that they concoct these diabolical and pretentious schemes. What a waste of an expensive education! What a waste of talent! If we could divert just a small portion of the Machiavellian madness to constructive use, we could probably resolve the Peace Accords, the Global Warming conundrum and answer the question of whether the chicken or the egg came first.

Our very own Desdemona must be having a blast, as she directs this chaos from remote control. Easy for her to talk about how this family has rejected her when she has repeatedly closed the doors of communication and information sharing. Those CNAs, in reality, are permitted to have more of a relationship with my mother than I am. Can you believe that? Let's just hope this does not become a true battle of wits and cunning as that is certainly not the place for a family to use for basing decisions. Three strikes and you are out. Mate

Hmmm...

Arsenio Hall used to have a portion of his show that focused on things that got you to really think things through. I always enjoyed that part of the show. We are so trained to simply believe the tripe that we are fed that we often times suffer needlessly as a result. Here is one such example. If a POA is not revocable and my older sister formerly held the POA in Georgia, how is it that Ms POA could have that formerly unrevocable POA revoked so that she could snatch it away? How then does one choose to do what is simply an absolute and then claim foul? How can one allegedly so knowledgeable of the LAW assume ignorance of the law? That is a real head scratcher! Nothing more to say. Let's see if the GOBs club (lawyers) is willing to do the right thing when we return to the Halls of Justice next week.

Rush, rush, rush! It is that time of year. We find ourselves trying to be in too many places with smiles on our faces. We are all already stretched beyond the limits. Stress is up in the US of A. We work more and play less than any other "civilized" peoples on the planet. All in pursuit of heart attacks, ulcers, migraines, alcoholism and early death. We have another name for this pursuit (money). When is enough simply enough? Asking Ms POA this question could probably lead to my demise. See there is a chance that she will try to have a defunct order enforced if I should dare show in court. Flaunting her legal muscle. What would that be? Machismo does not fit. Chauvinism comes close but is too demure for the kind of megalomania that she experiences. I will have to simply ask any readers to help me with this coinage. What say you?

Back to court. And back to the trip to Chicago then to Louisville then on to Atlanta. Of course, I will miss more work. I will again exhaust myself and estrange myself from the kids and my wife for the three or four days I will be gone. It is exhausting. That simple much I know. Days for recovery from the emotional and physical ordeal of sleep deprivation and white line fever. Pray that there is no snow when I leave here.

Merry Christmas, Baby!

This is the face of the evil man who abused his mother. I was supposed to be more sinister looking....maybe with a jail or prison tatoo. of course my sister has not had me arrested yet. she did that to my sister (that should read our sister, but family status is rapidly changing). i think i would have a tough time holding dear someone who purposefully had me jailed and then ignored this simple oversight. so i took this photo in the new studio i am sharing with a couple of other photographers. i should have had my contacts on this day...maybe i would not have dropped that very expensive and near impossible to find flash tube. but i did drop it. i probably will not be able to replace it and will need to have a new flash soon. really do not want to spend the money, but i really do not want to go back to having just one light. oh well, if i had not just spent so much money on attorney fees and airfare i could have easily paid for a new lens, a new light and lots of presents for my children and wife. but that was my simple choice. assist my family or splurge on my family. wonder what Ms POA will be doing this year for Christmas? i understand that she will be taking a LOA. she has some plans to do something that no one knows about yet. of course, her plans will include our mother. Mom can't be beyond her control and abuse for too long. she might have the freedom to make some of her own life choices again. of course, Stockholm Syndrome is tough to diagnose in a senior citizen.

what's in your photo scrapbook? mooks like me, i hope. most of us are simply good honest people. most of us are not the CSI type criminals we see everyday on prime time TV.

we are a minister, social worker and an international organization developer. we are not the monsters that they would have you believe we are. yes, i held my mother's arm...i held it gently and supportively so that she would not stumble. of course, it depends on what one wanted to see.

Safe

So, just as i thought it might be safe to go back and play nice with everyone, the clarion again summons us back to the Hotlanta. Of course, there is a bit of strategizing going on here. I am certain that my sister has masterminded the date so as to prevent the reappearance of my father in court. she may have been momentarily stunned last week, but she has recouped and has redoubled her efforts to preserve her Glass Menangerie. liars have to build incessantly. the conniving and Machiavellian manipulations must drain her of what little energy she has. i can't imagine maintaining the prevarications that she must have to do. i guess that is why all the flunkies are lined up behind her. i was told, that one such nincompoop, went so far as to describe my behavior as abrupt and rough with my mother. there must be a special section of the Hell that they experience while they wait for the demon to divide the ill-gained spoils. i, though, am a mere simpleton, who honestly believes that the divine light of truth will not be quenched and will continue to shine and show the evil-spackled subterfuge as what it is. i do not wish my sister ill; simply wish that she would stop and come to her senses. after all, as an attorney she knows that she may win in the short run, but she can't maintain these pretexts indefinitely. what might actually happen when my mother makes her appearance in court? can she continue to lie, cheat and steal what is not hers?

Passive Aggressive People

i feel like i am surrounded by them...constantly being bushwacked because i am an easy target. seventeen year old i have not met blames me (not her mother) that she is now in shelter. mom who was TPR'd last month calls just so she can blast me. court scheduled for later this month. i want to tell myself that my PA sister had nothing to do with notification coming just one day short of the 2 week airfare discount window. deep in my heart though i am certain that she and her cronies are hoping that i can't be available to assist again in the process. i walk in the door from my last week of studio lighting only to be blindsided by my wife. she is angry (but can't say that she is) and wants to start a fight. i want to avoid one at all costs because i am already emotionally drained. time to slink off to bed now. wish me luck. or not!

Help is on the Way!

"...he may not come when you want him, but he will be right there on time... " Whitney Houston

today is one of those days. I should be happy. I can get rid of a couple of cases. One child going to Arkansas to live with maternal grandmother. Another child successfully TPR'd. That is certainly an oxymoron. Happy but bittersweet day. Another broken and disrupted family. I know that this family was broken before I met them. We could not put this Humpty-Dumpty together again. I get to close a file. I get to stop working with this very difficult mentally ill mother. I get to fantasize that I did the right thing. I can tell myself all of this. It still does not take away the sadness and pain of a mother's heartache. It does not compensate for the vitriol and bad karma that will come my way. No good deed goes unpunished....

Fini

So much to do and so very little time in which to finish it all. The drive back from ATL was horrific...I left MSP late which meant for a later than anticipated arrival in Atlanta. Short and hot phone conversation with my paranoid sister. She thinks conspirators are all around her. Actually is just a symptom of the brain fart she must be having. Guilty conscience. Sold out by sister. She has forgotten about the sacrifices our parents made. She wants to become something that she can never be. She remains delusional. She swears she heard someone tapping my cell phone conversation. No reasonable amount of assurance was helpful. I eventually had to tell her good bye and hang up the phone. Of course, her paranoia prevailed again. I was able to talk with my mother on Friday when waiting for something....as most of Friday is simply a blur of driving and rain and snow and road weary eyes...white lined fevverish driving. All just so we could hit the big snow storm just as we left Indiana. Two hours of sitting on a ramp waiting for a tractor trailer combo to move from the center of the ramp. We all have to void our bladders and we are getting short with each other because of the long hours we have kept. UJ and I managed to hold off the Kahuna long enough to get us back to his house. I am still recovering from this. But it is not over yet. Stay tuned, as they say!

Slow and sorrowful process

Yesterday was the first day of the travesty of the destruction of our family. My sister paraded and pranced around in front of the court justifying her irrational and inconsiderate behavior. She started by having the entourage escorted from the courtroom under the premise that she would be calling some of them as witnesses. My father was one of these. He was kept in the hallway all day while she lined up her peons to lie about any number of events that have not happened. I was not there, but I did receive official updates. Here is nugget. My sister would like a permanent injunction against me and my brother. She has to do these crazy things to justify her outrageous and outlandish behavior. I am so angry now that I have no compassion for her. She deserves exactly what happens when they hit her upside her head with the legal two-by-four when this is all over. Not sure of the details but it probably involves her supervising any visit I might have with my mother in the future. I guess she knows just how little respect I now have for her. I sincerely hope that the judge is rational enough to understand that 1) this should never have come to the attention of the court; 2) that my sister is the most dangerous of the siblings with respect to my mother; 3) that her lack of respect for the opinion and feelings of others (including our mother) is exactly why this should be dismissed. After dismissal the court should not only impose sanctions against HER, but require her to compensate us for mental duress, legal fees and travel expenses. Somehow, I doubt that any of that will happen. She may prevail. Even without that happening, I know that this family is forever changed. This is what happens in other people's families. We have always managed to address what ever griefs we have and return to normalcy. This will re-define normalcy forever. I am now done fighting. She can do as she likes. This family photo just lost someone. Like Marty McFly in Back to the Future there won't be anyone there, when the photos are reviewed. Not that someone is missing, simply as if she never existed. Blanked from my memory.

About ta

Those of you who have children or have had children living with you will understand that short phrase here. Another version of it is "Fixin ta..." do something or the other.

Yesterday on the way to church one of the kids said something to me. I responded and the response in return was "I was about ta...." This really got me to thinking about all the things in life that we are about ta address: civil rights, gay rights since there are so many who believe that are homosexual and lesbian kin should have only some protections under the law. I think it means we are about ta legalize some kinds of discrimination.

We are about ta take a serious look at global warming.

We are about ta decide what should happen in Iraq since we have had no coherent strategy heretofore.

We are about ta look at the disparity between minimum wage and poverty again.

In Minnesota we are about ta consider what it means to spend taxpayer money on a stadium for which we are not likely to collect fees for the many services and vendors there. That money would rightfully belong to the team owners who negotiated outlandish deals for tax incentives and breaks based on the employment certainty of x number of people.

We are about ta head into winter here in the Northern Plain States. It is happening later and later each year (but that is not related to global warming!) and even if it is what realistically can we do to reverse of slow the certainly inevitable process. Why should we restrain ourselves?

We are about ta look at making the MOA larger. On the news tonight I heard someone say it would be happening to the largest mall in world (I thought the one in Edmonton held the record). So what are you about ta do?

Meanings

What do you mean when you say, "We can't." We can. We always could and always will be able to do so. We are a family that has not yielded power without cause. We have avoided the ravages of social pressure and maintained a balance between the dualism of rampant capitalism and social justice. We have avoided the plagues of incarceration, chemical dependency and nihilism so common is society. We have weathered the storms of divorce and poverty and war and now we are losing all the gained ground while we wrestle with the treachery of treason. You figure it out. In a communal society, the needs (and desires) of the one will by necessity have to yield to the logical and collective desires of the many. This is a tragedy if for no other reason that we have to divide our resources rather than channel them in constructive and collaborative efforts. We are succumbing to the same law that has previously kept us physically and mentally captive. Cooperate with your oppressor and experience the wrath of your own. If you continue to be a parasite, we have to eradicate you.

What a meandering rant. Sometimes I simply have to go with the stream of conciousness and allow the words and ideas to flow. I know it is not coherent to most of you. But then again, I continue to struggle with the reasonings. As long as I do not have some sense of comprehension, I will not find the answers that I seek. A conundrum you say. Yes, it is.

Thankfulness

There is nothing formidable about my determination. I would simply ask that you find your own cistern of unquenchable strength. We have the love, kindness and commitment already in us. We simply have to find a way to use it. One day at a time, one step at a time, with the constant assistance of our friends and loved ones. We are all magnificent. We simply are. Use your resources.

People will do evil. There is little that we can do to prevent evil. We can all shout out about the evil we see. Simply tell the truth. For the truth shall always prevail. Until the very rocks cry out. We will all make our peace. Each one of us has to do what is right. No one else can tell us. We have to hear with our hearts and minds. We have to feel with our eyes and ears. We have to know with our total being.

I am.

Traditions Change

We all have  traditions.  Macaroni and cheese.  Greens.  Today my wife mentioned that we are
 having a classic Thanksgiving meal.  It includes the turkey of course and potatoes.  That is where our traditions diverge.  She mentioned broccoli and olives and some other things that have not been part of my traditional Thanksgiving.  I mentioned there was no macaroni and cheese, nor ribs, nor ham.  Not that I wanted these meal additions.  I only wanted to comment that we have to be careful when we start to talk about Tradition...of course we all like to romanticize our recollections of the TRADITIONS we survived to revive.  Some of those are great and some we hated.  Some we simply allowed to creep back in to existence because of ennui or apathy.  

Here is what I remember about Thanksgiving.  See if this approximates yours and share yours with me.  

Wake up at least an hour before sunrise so we could drive out to the country chapel and get it warmed up for the Sunrise Service.  Maybe have some of the church mothers prepare a breakfast feast for those who braved the Tennessee winter.  Back home in time to catch part of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on NBC.  Kids were then rushed outside to allow the older kids and adults to cook, clean and set tables.  Stuff ourselves with all manner of food shared with any number of kinfolk who happened to have needed a place to go for the day.  These might be actual relatives, but included students, singles from the churches, and friends of my sisters.  I am sure I have missed something.  But it was Rockwellian-like if you can think of the Cosbys as a Rockwell family.  We had our own versions of the tolerated (barely) unruly relative, too.  As I write about this I begin to wonder what these Thanksgiving celebrations will be like in the future.  Ms POA has taken my mother to Charleston.  That is out of state and I am certain that she does not have one of the ubiquitous CNAs accompanying her.  But then she would not need that as she is specially qualified to care for our mother.  I spoke with my Mama yesterday.  She was confused and needed some calming.  I will try her again today when things have settled down here.  We will perhaps have a preview of what Thanksgivings of the Luther family future will look like.  My sister, my brother and I sitting around somewhere telling stories with our dad about the traditions of our family.  It will start like this, "Remember when we used to grumble about having to get up before dawn to go to...."  Of course, the Rev will have a slightly different recollection of this.  Who knows?

Life as We Know It!

Where did you get your values? Were you present when they handed out the Rule Book? Apparently I was not. I do not know where I was. Perhaps I was not invited to the convocation! Maybe I am an Undesirable or some other kind of pariah. Whatever the reason, I missed out. Did you?

Here is what I speculate! I was out watching the sunset or watching the waves pound against a beachhead somewhere. They probably called and I was in that state of contentment and zoned all the outside world out. There was likely even a second call. I was probably cleaning house, or coaching volleyball for the kids. It was on my calendar, but the really important stuff in life took precedence to this simple formality. I was proably expecting one of those mid-dinner calls from my concerned Rule Book provider so that I could stay in the Rule Book good graces without my being reported to the violator of the Rule Book reporting agency. Since I usually do not answer the phone when we are having family time (dinner, movies, etc.) I missed out. They could have left a recording on voicemail that I probably have not listened to yet. The time limit for redemption will soon expire (if it already hasn't). They probably turned it over to the Rule Book Violator Forgiveness agency. Those letters are likely in that stack of mail on my desk that I get to when I am not chauffering kids to practice or games or interacting with them.

My intentions are good. I will think about after I put the kids to bed; the dishes and laundry though become the primary task at hand. Somewhere and somehow, I think we just have to make time between trips to the Post Office and drycleaners to read the everchangingcascade of new family rules.

1) Even though you should have access to your mother, we reserve the right to turn off the ringer on her phone, because it interrupts her time with the CNA.

2) Should you call and the ringer is off, the phone might roll over to voicemail; we reserve the right to disconnect the voicemail so that you may not leave a message.

3) If you per chance avoid Rules 1 and 2 and are able to talk with your mother, we will monitor the calls because you might say something that we personally disagree with. We can't have freedom of speech (unless it is our freedom- Remember WE are the Power Of Attorney).

4) We would never dial the phone to facilitate contact between you and your mother (even though we suspect you have tried to reach her unsuccessfully in the past).

5) Please do not confuse this enforcement of the Rules with anything you might call control or abuse. Remember Power of Attorney trumps all other rules. I make the rules and break them as I choose.

6) No mere non-attorney who does not have Power of Attorney dare challenge any of the rules above. You are not intelligent enough to understand the complicated system of Rules created simply to keep you from having a relationship with your mother.

7) Any challenge to the rules listed above will have more dire consequences for you. You may never speak with your mother again.

I think there are some more rules, but they have not been intimated to me yet.

PRIME DIRECTIVE: If you become enough of a nuisance, I will seek the fullest extent of Homeland Security Act to have you held without due process.

Manhood

i taught that rambunctious group of four and five year olds in Sunday School today. there were 42 of them...many of the boys were like swirling dervishes. knowing that boys do have a different kind of energy still does not mean we should allow them to run wild. but i do not know what we can do to contain and channel that enormous energy into healthy outlets. i usually have to take a nap when i finish my two hour stint. today was different. i was tired but also emotionally distraught. i stopped at Caribou and bought myself a medium chai latte. i took the long way home and found myself letting go of some of the grief that has been bottled up inside. grief about the changing family. my sister will have thoroughly alientaed herself from the rest of the family. my mother will truly never again be the sage and wily old woman i thought she would always be. i thought that there would be a chance for a miracle and a recovery. that recovery is likely not to happen as long as she is denied her freedom and she remains locked up inside the house there in GA. while i listened to the CD in my car tears began to drizzle down my face. no pretending is going to change that. there is a lot of emotion waiting for the right time to surface. keeping my nose to the grindstone...and putting one foot infront of the other. tomorrow will be a better day. tomorrow will be a better day. maybe.

Transcendental Stupidity

I work with a lot of people daily. Most are very nice people who have had some serious challenges in life. Every once in a while though I see something that reminds me that there are too many people who do not have both oars in the water. There is nothing in particular. It is cumulative like brain damage or severe CD issues. Eventually the effect just catches up with them....just too many stupid things done and no way easy back to reality. mom missed her visit today with her 9 month old. she was begging two days ago, but i am betting she found her old abusive flame who was happy to get her high and then slap her around a bit. she won't recall most of it because she takes her lithium when she wants to. i am already frustrated because we just don't have enough time, energy and resources to make all this happen. then there is my own crazy sister...busy suing family members as a method to resolve differences. of course being a lawyer, she has little concept of what is right or wrong - she is only concerned with proving her point. damn everything else. life is really just too short to leap off into these alternate realities. i am thinking i have to just live and let live. they can manage on their own. they will have to fight their own imaginary demons and if they survive perhaps they will have a stronger sense of reality...then again, maybe they will slip another notch on Jacob's ladder.
'

Each Day

i start out with the same 24 hours as everyone else. i settle in to my routine although i loathe to call it that. i check email, have some tea, let the dog out, head to the shower and either get kids up, if they are here, or leave for work, if they are not. nothing wrong with the routine. it works for me. sometimes i squeeze in time to write or to educate myself a bit on world affairs. sometimes i think about what life might be like if _____________ (You fill in the blank!)

lately though i have had just awful pangs of creativity that continue to bubble through my mundane psyche screaming to be given a voice - a chance to be expressed. most days i manage to quelch that before i lose my mind or my job. some days though i allow myself to ask the questions. why am i here? what else am i supposed to be doing besides Child Protection? Is there more? i know some of you are thinking this is just a mid-life crisis. i had those starting in my late twenties. i am the original angst-driven man. think every maudlin man you have ever seen. i am he and he is me. i was an emotional midget in the original family. the pendulum swung too far the other way when i escaped. hopefully i have moderated some of that in the past few years, but ever aware of what might become.

Trouble Man

I was at court again today. Another TPR trial...this being one of the first times I hoped that the parent did not arrive on time. A default hearing was what I needed. I just get up on the stand and talk about all the deficits of the parent. Not today. She was late and I had a fleeting moment when I thought I might avoid this horror. You ask, "What is so horrible?". Today her 11 year old son was in court. I had to say all these awful things about this child's mother in his presence. He sat there in the court room, doe-eyed and innocent looking. I am sure he knows that his mother is mentally ill. Why would this child have begged for asylum within the foster care system? Still no child wants to have participated in the process - no matter how many times we tell them that it is "in the child's best interests". That is the standard.

We left court and went back to my office for a supervised visit. After the visit, this woman who hated me just an hour before wanted a ride home and took the offer for lunch at Subway without blinking an eyelash. She offered to repay me for the orange soda, but not for the 12" subway she wolfed down. She was thankful as we approached her mother's house.

Each one of these trials takes a bit more of my soul away. Why do I have to do this? Could we not find someone else to take the black children away from the teats of their mothers. Am I evil incarnate or am I one of the guardians of the gate? Who is protecting the Black children from the parents? It is an odd position to be in. Of course I know this child already does not know his father. He was deported to Antigua some threee years ago. Antigua? Deportation to Antigua is a consequence for the domestic violence? Deportation should be to some place like Siberia; not Antigua.

Reds

Reds
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

it is better to be happy in a cardboard shack than to be alone in a castle...Harry Connick, Jr.

he is a junior...don't know anything at all about his father. smooth jazz to ease me into the night. today was a busy day...first volleyball game. we lost...but i think they had fun. coaching the team is going to be tough work. i need to get a whistle.

then lunch and then the trauma of the 8 month old terror. stranger anxiety and his sister becoming increasingly annoyed and agitated. i left him at the foster home when he had not calmed down after 1/2 hour. too much nerve-wracking annoyance.

mom was doing the same thing. anxiously badgering me and trying to win me over. just spend the time with your daughter. driving from one end of the metro to the other. crying kids...maybe we could run away...HC, Jr. again.

the music box played...sad little serenade...


busy tomorrow...Sunday School; teaching youngsters than shooting family portraits at the Circus of the Heart for MN ASAP. I am looking forward to this. Melancholy and little flow here. That is easy for you to say. Good night!

Fabulous 50s

Fabulous 50's
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

You can't really ever go home again. Home is always changing. The glorious days of my youth are faded and inaccurate memories made sentimental by the passage of time and forgiveness. Sometimes the passage is mercurial; other times it might be Neptunian (is that a word?). America is again looking back at the glorious days of its youth and adolescence. Was it as wonderful as we so fondly (but inaccurately) remember it?

Listening to new music...something i bought for myself...something to help me feel normal as i wade through the swamp of family matters. tantrums and attitudes and spasticity. the tidepool of good will is becoming a cesspool again. fear, anxiety, desperation are the colors of family i see now. compassion was thrown out the judicial window. maybe those 50s were fantastically fabulous for some of us.

i will be that 50 next year. hopefully someone will recall that i was wise and kind and considerate. perhaps someone will have a good word for me.

Sunrise

in the midst of all the turmoil and trouble and tawdriness, i see rays of hope. this morning was one of the most beautiful sunrises i have ever seen. pink and salmon sky, fingerling clouds with whispers of babies breath tossed in for good measure. i had this glorious view for at least a good 1/2 hour as i wended my way from our home to drop the kids off at school. sometimes in the midst of all our despair comes a blessing. i was awake for this one and i am thankful. just nice to be able to see the hand of the creator. hope you find some joy and bliss in the midst of all your troubles. BTW, no photograph would do justice for what i saw this morning. it will remain forever impressed upon my mind, though.

Simple Phone Call

my other family is in turmoil and crisis. we are floundering around trying to make sense of a situation that refuses to yield to the archives of regular stuff. my mother left here with m sister yesterday. my sister alleged she would come by the house with my mother for dinner. she never showed. my mother had no spare clothes with her or her medications. my sister lied to me. the shock of all this has left me disillusioned and overwhelmed with strange emotions. emotions that are so raw and so pervasive that i find myself fighting my most basal instinct - revenge.

lo and behold...my mother is reappeared in Atlanta. we have not heard from my sister prior to my call there recently tonight. i have also tried to have my sister listen to genuine concern about herself and my mother. she only wants to hear that she is being victimized and persecuted. a simple phone call would have been appreciated.

My sister has declared that she was advised by the local law enforcement not to come to my home. of course, she is the person (speculation) who called the ADC and told them that the Sgt. was coming to pickup my mother. I spoke directly with this Sgt. who actually listened to what I had to say. He verified that he had specifically told the ADC that he would not be coming.

This is too painful now for me to think about.

Autumn Day

Autumn Day
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

This is the second oldest surviving member of my family. My mother is an acerbic and sharp-witted woman who suffers from dementia now. She fades in an out like an old B/W TV with rabbit ears. It does not matter to me. I rather enjoy her philosophical rantings and her ability to both expand and compress time. I have been her brother, father and son all in one day. She probably does not know what day today is, nor who the President of the US is. Why should she care at this point? She has done her duty and should simply enjoy these sundowning years. This was taken on the deck at the back of our house. I hope she stays awhile.

Travesty Continues

Plenty of bravado being spewed lately. I guess only a couple of us were fully aware of the potential fallout for all this. I am exhausted. Phone calls from and phone calls to attorneys, siblings, father, my sister's SO. We can't seem to get her out of jail. Charge is contempt of court. I know that serious DWI offenders and domestic abusers get in and out of jail faster than has occurred in this situation. Rumor has it that there is now a warrant for my arrest as well. That would not be a smart thing. Instead of using collaborative legal actions, the firebrand has resorted to legal bullyiing and semi-fascist tactics. I can go to jail if it means that my mother will have an opportunity to have her story heard. But it is exhausting. When this is all over (if ever), I think it will be important to recall all that has happened and what it will have cost our family. The expenses are rising at a geometric rate. That is only what we can calculate. Once again we have to rely on attorneys. They get rich. We get __________? Little sister! see her here -
This is so sad because our family has already survived so many more severe challenges. We have always been a strong family, even though we might not have been very cohesive. It is important that you know why this is going on. I love my mother

Regardless how long my mother stays with me, I will be updating her portraits. It has been a real joy having her here in my home; lots of work, but still a joy.

Motion Blur

Motion Blur
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

you have to watch and look quickly because the family dynamics have changed. last week i had four sisters and one brother. this week, all the recent events have forever changed the makeup of my family. my brother, my father and i recently went on a mission to free my mother from the confines of the hired guns who care for her. she had asked for help repeatedly and left ehr home with us willingly when we arrived. all that happened in a matter of minutes. we took her to a hotel. we talked with her and listened to what she had to say. we talked about revoking my sister's POA (Power of Attorney for the uninitiated). Power is a good beginning for this mess. Now my brother, my father and I left my mother's home state - dropped my brother off in one state en route to my father's home state and finally my mother and I pulled into my driveway sometime yesterday - after we took my son to his special soccer clinic. The guys from the Thunder were there. Great clinic...too bad the kids were so tired.

My sister claims my sister participated. Apparently the Sheriff's Office picked up my innocent sister. Her claim to fame - she lives in the same damn county as my POWER hungry ATTORNEY sister. She has manipulated the truth and the court system long enough. She will have to face her judge separate and apart from the outcome of all this. Why 2 smaller. I have another sister in this southern metropolitan city who quietly sits back and watches all the evil transpire. I wonder what she gets out of all this.

Meanwhile. I can't go back to this mecca of necritude for fear that the denizens of destruction will apprehend me. Oh yeah, I have to hire an attorney. So why all the fuss?

My mother does have some memory issues- I think adult daycare would provide adequate safety for her. My mother does have many medications. Again, the ADC we visited today has an RN on staff and they administer medications. My mother will be in a more stimulating environment than if she simply lives alone in her dark house with the many strangers (CNAs), who all work for my sister. I think my mother enjoyed every single moment of this day. I hope that it was worth it for the rest of the family.

OK, I am looking at the sunny side of this. Tragically, I will have fewer Christmas presents to buy. Down to my two siblings and I am not allowed to be in contact with my mother since I am a detriment to her safety. See, I have withheld her anti-rejection drugs from her. Can you tell I am really quite angry? I hope so. I have to turn this anger into righteous indignation. Shalom!

Trough

I am in the midst of a creative trough. Bogged down with the banalities of life right now - work, family, money issues, etc. Feels like every way I turn, there is someone making a new demand or request for my time. I do not mind sharing my limited time, but I am feeling exhausted. I have not raised a camera to my eye for many a day. Too tired to write at all as well. But tonight I will be shooting portraits for a church event. I have to be positive and upbeat. I have to be ready to sell myself as well as the product. I think it is the selling part that gets to me.

I also want some emotional support. From my wife or somebody. Really in the grand scheme of this all, I am looking back and thinking I have it pretty good. Being tired at my age is OK. My energies are being diverted in so many directions. I am practicing grace right now. Being OK with where I am and allowing myself the indulgence of not being pollyannaish. More later.

No photo today

No photo today. It has been quite some time since I picked up the camera with the intention to shoot something. I still carry one with me, but the muse has been on hiatus for a few weeks. Ironically, it was the same time the prose muse left me. Guess that left me in a creative rut. Momentum though can be a wonderful thing. I simply love the sound of the keyboard clicking away when I write.

Today I saw three clients. Client number one triggered something inisde of me. Intelligent and confused about her place in the world. We had a wonderful tangential dialogue about what is and what is not important. I hope she comes back.

Client number two arrived late and disrupted my reverie...we had a truly abstract but spiritual conversation. Never underestimate the power of your client to challenge your ideas about how things work. He was a blessing in disguise.

Client number three is a regular. His father recently died and he had to go to the old country to bury him. Unfortunately for him, the very things that drove him out of the homeland are still very much alive and breathing fire. Families are the best and the worst for all of us.

Paint your own picture today. On the many spectrums that we have Truth <------> Not Truth
Love <-----------> Hate

We can all make better choices. I think that is my lesson for today. Choose Wisely

Rentals on Clearance?

Rentals on Clearance?
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

everywhere i have looked in the past couple of days, i have seen the homeless. who are they? how did they reach this point that they have to stand by freeway ramps and stoicly look proud while asking for help?

Tickling Some Ivories

Keyboarding, originally uploaded by unohuu.

Tickling the ivories is an expression that I have grown to really like. It has that kind of onamatapeia sensation. I can actually hear the tinkling of a piano as I allow the weight of the expression to sink in for me.

I could use a good laugh. My awful job has taken on awfulness in monstruous proportions. It has been a tough week, with a TLC completed and a predatory sex offender removed from the streets (even if only temporarily) and more detente right here in my own home.

I am tired from a week of negotiations with every one. I did this wrong and I failed to respond to someone's emergency right away. I must be at least 1/2 ass incompetent as those around me would purport. I am a failure. Like this photo. I am leaning in the wrong direction. Sample it for me.

We could all use a great simile right now, right?

Guatemalan Church

Guatemalan Church
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

this is what i need. i spent a glorious afternoon here the day i arrived in La Antigua. I was delivering a Christmas package to a friend/co-worker's friend there. this plaza had everything. a little farmer's market. people playing, sitting chatting. as i recall an old man came up to me and we had an interesting little discussion. i thought it might have been the color of my skin. it could have been that he did not recognize me in his little corner of the world. there are so many different ways of looking at a situation. this old church towered over everything in the village. i looked up to gain some perspective and was amazed at how beautiful the sky was that afternoon. once in a while we get to see these kinds of visions more than once. i want to go back...it was simple and easy there.

Mugsy

Blue C
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

Kids have pets...those pets sometimes die. we have had hamsters, guinea pigs, fish, hermit crabs, dogs, cats, and a snake. We have experienced their deaths from age or illness or infirmity. Today, I went to feed my son's bird, Mugsy. Mugsy had squeezed his head through the bars of his cage and had gotten stuck. Mugsy had become an escape artist. He was out when I came in from work. No problem. I put on my leather work gloves (Mugsy would bite if given the chance [maybe this could have been a clue for us] and dutifully caught him and put him back into his cage. Not good enough for Mugsy, I guess. Bird suicide. Perhaps not intentional, but really got me thinking.

We keep animals against their will. Yes, our domesticated pets love us in return. This parakeet was not happy with us; did not enjoy our company and wanted to be free. Maybe Mugsy wanted a different family. We will not know now.

My son is on vacation with his mother. I will not tell him until he comes back here on Saturday. That little bird gives me a sense of great loss. Mugsy, I am sorry.

Blue C

Blue C
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

accidental tourist. free associations within the daily grind. harry connick, jr. is singing to me right now as i type. i was listening to sonya kitchell, kt tunstall, huey lewis and the news before this. my wife took the dog for a walk after she made salmon for dinner. she did not have time to eat because she triple booked herself again. come by me, baby. come talk to me, baby!

have new cards for photo business. cool looking...eventually i hope to have them available as an online card too. Vista Prints free card offer. now their foot is in my door. hope i don't have trouble getting rid of them. maybe glossy next go round. free 250 cards for the cost of s/h.

photo assignment ... accidentally found letters. this was an image i made with the big F4s. i developed the film myself ... that was fun. each camera seems to draw me to a different kind of subject. sad little serenade. i do not know how i came to like harry connick, jr. probably one of the women in my life. brash and cool in his own way. some verve like Sinatra, but still cool like the Miles Davis or Ornette Coleman. anyway he is fun to listen to and he has a wonderful band backing him.

sipping green tea with peach white cranberry juice. it gives it a nice herbal-like taste. should market it. too many irons in the fire already. business is booming. there is a lot of behind-the-scenes work that goes along with a PT business. seems like this is a good time to look for a laptop. tired tonight.

oh, all else is well.

New camera

SP w/Nikon
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

I guess apart from some simple accessories now, the change from Minolta/KonicaMinolta is complete. Here I am with my F4 in my hands and being shot vby the D70s. It will be a good time before I am comfortable with this camera.

Shoo Doop Shooby Do!

i have another court hearing tomorrow. i can't sleep. so i am up late on another day when i have already put in lots of hours. this client is mentally ill; she does not recognize that. it is not just not my opinion. she saw a psychologists who thinks she should go meet with a psychiatrist and hear what they want to prescribe for medications for her. she is also developmentally disabled, although this may be the first time she has heard this. no groups, no therapy, just some medication. maybe she will stop beating on her son. maybe she will be able to live outside of the little solipsism society that she lives in. i doubt it.

so i listen to music and read and surf the 'net when i can't sleep. better than lying in bed feeling sorry for myself. obviously i am bloggin' and i am listening to Buena Vista Social Club and Boyz II Men. ethnic music...barbershop tunes and a little Spanish melodic music.