?

some people complain about everything. some people could not find solace in wining the Publisher's Clearing House (PCH) sweepstakes. You know who they are around you. They find fault in everything around them. Clarification becomes condemnation. Conversation becomes a verbal duel. No live prisoners. Each encounter is to the death. Pessimism would be an upgrade here.

Why is that? Rhetorical question, of course.

Luke

Friends

i apparently have gained an audience. someone visits often enough that i now recognize the name of the visitor. inane commentary aside, it is nice to have someone notice. of course, the visitor could just be a bot of some kind or the other, quietly making the rounds of pathetic little blogs. criterion for inclusion (or perhaps exclusion) must be sparse.

here is my story...my mother is locked away in a virtual residential prison. my sister, who claims to have POA, is her virtual warden. from all appearances so far, this is a life without parole sentence. no one in our corrupt and nepotistic court system seems to care about one little old black matriarch who raised her children during the post Cold War era in racist and sexist America. she is part of the generation that so many Boomers are waiting to die. apparently all these post Depression babies were massive frugal types. they have accumulated more wealth (homes, properties, money, securities, etc) than ever imagined. some greedy Boomers hope to access that wealth sooner rather than later.

of course, my sister, Ms POA, is in actuality is one with extensive legal training and knows the ins and outs and methodologies of the system. she knows what "magic" words to use. she knows what "magic" people to tap in to in order to get what she wants. she knows how to argue both sides of the issue. she knows how to manipulate and coerce those not versed in THE LAW. All paid for by the blood, sweat and tears of our parents. Malcolm and Martin and Bobby and Carter are sleepless in their individual nirvanas. what happened to justice? where is the freedom that was so hard won? when will the people realize that the gold is only glitter and the king has been naked for far too long. open your eyes people. read between the lines and use the God-given sense you have to say NO to all kinds of despotism. it does start in the family. this is the basic building bock of a society. i venture we can more easily know about the value of the individual in a society by seeing how the family is revered. this is more important than the last numbers seen on Friday for the Dow and Nikkei indices; more important than the GDP of any nation-state and; more important than what financial resources any one individual or collection of individuals have.

it is a microsystem. think about it...we are all on this planet together. we either resolve our petty disputes and differences or we all perish together (except those gazillionaires who can purchase space station time and off-world experiences). but who will she have to come back to after she has cannibalized her own family? get it?

Weary

there is always so very much going on...we are mega-analyzing what happened in Blacksburg, VA. so many are looking for a rational explanation for this tragedy. trying to make sense of what is senseless. do not look to blame the police department or the family. what is done is over now. we need to gently focus our energies on forgiveness and healing for the survivors. we hear about the dead, but the wounded do not make good headlines. we can all talk about the number killed before the gunman took his own life. how many of us know how many were wounded? does not make for easy sensational exploitation.

a man shows up at a federal facility and manages to get a gun through security. this is also tragic. he takes the life of one and leaves another traumatized. held captive with duct tape. must be from some place in the upper midwest. he knows the cure, the most oft used remedy for what can not simply be fixed. i am sure he is from the midwest. i know some of you wonder how i can be so cavalier about this. we have to laugh and cry sometimes. otherwise we can become them.

robbery in SinEsperanza today. started out as a simple robbery gone bad. one killed by accident...the second killed so as not to have a witness. guess the gunmen and gunwoman did not think that the GUN would make such a loud noise. even in the midst of all that someone manage to get a peak at the numbskulls who dug a deeper hole in the sidewalk. now it may take some time for them to get out. LHOP...

Hope

Hope is what we have to have in order to get through the day these days. St. Paul; a 44 year old man abandons his own 2 year old on the street and denies it when confronted. His final answer - he was tired of taking care of the kid.

A 16 year old girl stabs her new born 135 times and then dumps the body. Her final answer; it was still born. How many places are there on a new born's body that you could stab 135 times.

A jilted lover goes on a shooting rampage in Virginia. He kills quite few and injures some as well. He was angry I suppose, as I do not have the details of this story. Sordid details they have to be.

Don Imus makes the news. Do they think that we are all too dumb to think for ourselves? Do they think we enjoy the racist and misogynist drivel? He will have a new media job, probably before the ink dries on the dismissal letter. I am sure that one of the conservative talk radio stations will be glad to hire him. They have audiences that truly believe that the constitutional amendment right to free speech is as American as apple pie and will defend their right to say what they wish. Also eager to abrogate the right of free speech to those who do not agree with them.

Hubris is the word of the day. This beautifully descriptive word came to me in an email today. Look up the definition. How poignant! Exactly descriptive of the awful state of family affairs right now. How can we hoep to get through to the Junior Miss Perry Mason. How might we broach the subject of letting go? What is it that she wants from us that does not require total obedience to her wicked will? When will we be let go from the clutches of her terrific tirades? Hubris...who would have ever thought this of the Clan L...survived sharecropping, lynchings, garbage strikes, civil rights arrests, my brother's brief clash with law enforcement. We survived the trucker's strikes and my sisters working cotton fields for cash. We survived dashes down 57 in the Buick and Caddilacs. We survived the Lincoln and now the big van. We survived our mother's constant attention to our spoken word and behavior fit for the Prince and Princess of Wales. We survived church embarrassment. We survived the onslaught of wannabees after our parents were divorced. We will survive this latest debacle as well. We will always have hope.

Perspective

I finally figured out what has been eating at my craw all week long. I am working with a number of very young and very immature mothers. They have a serious sense of entitlement and seem to have forgotten their children along the way. One has three under the age of 4 and is expecting another in June. She does not anticipate any problems with the children when the new baby comes. Needless to say, I disagree with her. I am certain that there will be some normal animosity and jealousy. I know this, but do I know this because of my training or simply because of my life experience?

My mother has called me a couple of times this week. I enjoy the calls from her, and look forward to hearing her voice. The calls are a recent change as she has not either been allowed or encouraged to call. Now we are certain that she is adamant that she call. She also had a coached call from my sister. I heard her voice in the background prompting her to say thanks for returning a coat that we have had here since October.

I wonder what distinguishes this POA sister of mine from the drug and alcohol numbed minds of my clients. She is older and she did benefit from wonderful parenting. I guess this just means that our family will be the counterargument to the Nature vs Nurture debate. Maybe she is hardwired differently. Maybe she has to be the center of attention. Maybe it is because she is a middle child shadowed by brothers with very distinct and solid personalities. Maybe she feels inadequate when she compares herself to my older sister. But this really only exists in her mind. She is always welcome to call, but I can't think of anything I really have to say to her. The slander and vitriol and emotional damage is extensive. She acts and pretends as if all is well. Just like the day she graduated from high school.

This monster that has eaten my sister and cannabilized my family is amorphous now. I know that there always remains hope for success. I fear that our hope was dashed when Obi Wan was cut down by Vader. Perhaps out there is a new rising star.

First Step

i am tired and weary. i have too many irons in too many fires (take heed George). i do not have he energy to finish one thing...on top of all this i am almost broke. not broke in the sense that we don't know how we are going to pay the mortgage or buy groceries, but broke in the sense that for the first time in a long time i am living from one paycheck to the next. i am determined not to run up my credit cards (took too long before to pay them off). i have this bill and that bill and the phone bill and the satellite and kids activities and soccer and gas and you know - on and on it goes. so i will wake up tomorrow morning and put one foot in front of the other to start that long journey beginning with a first step.

Rest and quietude and hermitage.

Windows II

Windows II, originally uploaded by unohuu.

I went to see a client in St. Paul on Monday. His apartment had that odor of stale smoke. I mean an odor that reeks of unopened windows and smoke that has not been moved for days or weeks. We were talking about reunification with his 1 year old son. I have written about him before, but this time we were seriously trying to figure out why he has not purchased a crib. He has no rent for at least another month; his expenses are minimal for now. All he needs is to get a crib and he could start having overnight visits with the baby. As it is right now, he has no playpen, no safety equipment for a soon to be crawling 1 year old. He does not seem to be serious to me.

Maybe it is my middle class and overprotective social worker values. I would have bought a crib with my first paycheck. I would have had all my friends looking into their basements and attics in search of the crib. Whatever it takes so the kid could be with me.

It was the Monday following Easter and I was already in St. Paul - I headed over to the Cathedral of St. Paul. Someone was giving a tour of this grand old building. I listened and quietly clicked away, wishing I had my tripod and praying that the images would be serviceable. The stained glass windows and the saintly alcoves. The click of heels on the marble floor. Impressive amounts of material went into the building of this Cathedral.

Following my respite and soul healing there I wandered down Selby Avenue. Formerly one bastion of racial inequality and despair in the Midwest. Now this area is awash with trendy restaurants, chic condos (1BR no view $219K), and great little shops like this one here. I love wedding dresses. Something special and magical about them. Women buy them for a single wearing only. Imagine the faith a man would have to have to purchase something knowing that he might never use it again. Some fancy car he could only drive one night then have it sit in the garage and passed on to his son.

That's all.

An Unexamined Life

Socrates wrote, "An unexamined life is not worth living". But what does he mean? Does he mean that one should simply go about one's life doing as one pleases without remorse or awareness of consequences? Meaninglessness and purposelessness account for all too many lives that I see daily. Today I drove out of town to testify at a certification hearing for a fifteen year old. The County Attorney called me as a witness.

As I entered the courtroom I see his sister, mother, father and brother. While I waited in the witness room, I had an opportunity to talk with two education people who have worked with this fifteen year old. The conversation rums the gamut as we all determine why we were asked to come. This young man has robbed a convenience store but ruthlessly shot the two clerks in the store. Amazingly he left the dollar bills - taking only the $5, $10, and $20 denomination of bills. Go figure. He also brazenly looks up at the camera when he does the robbery. I do not think that he examined his life. He looked nonplussed at the goings on around him today. His attorney was rabid in his defense.

It is everyone else's fault but his. He was not provided this or that when he was young. He had some affliction or the other. So...on the way to Duluth, I had the opportunity to call my mother. Someone new answered the phone and instead of giving the phone to my mother, I was passed off to my sister.

She was blitheful in her usual way. She asked how I was doing? I am always taken aback as this happens, and I exchanged a minor pleasantry and courtesy with her. I continue to be amazed that my sister, the mighty Ms POA, can be so blissfully ignorant of what she has said that I am and what she continues to do with and to my mother daily. Is the law so bereft of wrong and right that she can become so detached from her moral compass as to be ignorant of the destruction she wreaks? I can't imagine that the founders of this country would want the law to be applied in such a manner. Justice is about something different. It is about righting wrongs; it is about restoring the peace. It has to be equal for the common person as it is for the mighty partrician.

When Socrates wrote those words so many thousand years ago, he must have envisioned a time when there would be legions of people with unexamined lives. What must we do with those who fail to stop and take the time for contemplation; for consideration; for examination of the self?

On my journey home, I had the opportunity to listen to talk radio. There are so many divisive and pompous people who spout the most awful vitriol. When will we leave partisan politics and figure out how we as a people can all rise together? Again, I fear that there are many unexamined lives at stake. Rome, Ming, England, and now the States. We will fall. Then we will have time to examine our lives, our fates, our futures. Pray that we learn quickly from our own mistakes and that we can learn equally fast from the mistakes of those that came before us as well as those who follow us.

I think, therefore I am.

Danza Sola

Danza Sola, originally uploaded by unohuu.

went to a church Palm Sunday concert tonight. this dance was but one small part of the celebration. she was just lovely and inspiring. i am not sure that i was able to capture her. this was good practice in shooting events though. i had to work on the lighting and focus on composition while paying attention to movement, etc. some of the photos were quite blurred and not artistically i would add. this one came out OK. could be better, but i would have had to have been closer.

Be Free

We are a proud people. We do have
expectations. We get tired of the rat race
and the riff-raff. Ms POA sent me another one of those group hug e-mails today. We have to choose the response carefully. We have to strive to keep balance in my life. We have raw emotions that have been suppressed while I struggle with all this. We can choose to allow her to live the lie. We can choose not to engage or to react. We can delight in knowing that we will not respond. We can hold our breath and wait. We can wait for the "cows to come home" or until we choose to have a different response to any of this. We can admit that we are weary and frustrated. We can embrace the weariness. We can overcome this as easily as we have overcome troubled times in the past. We can laugh at adversity. We can be free. We must be free.

Spring Break

Blah Blah Blah...talking heads and such. i think i finally understand how some of our rock n roll bands were named. some history. when i was a kid we were prohibited from listening to secular music (or so i thought) . my sisters listened to Motown and collected 45s. there was no dancing allowed either. i do not know why i recall this so vividly. maybe all the PK stuff just rattles around in your head forever. i look back on all this and i am grateful. knowing what i know now, i can't help but express my appreciation for what i thought were privations. but that was then in a time in a far away galaxie, many light years ago. the kids of the sixties raised the Gen X crowd who are actually old enough now to have their own kids. we baby boomers raised a generation of kids who were not deprived of anything. they have computers and stereos and personal stereos and iPods and X-box and PSII and PSP and PS3 and so on and so....on. Maybe we gave them to excess...what will they give the world in return? who will be their Bobby Seale, Bobby Kennedy, Malcolm X? U2 and Bono; Elton John; Charles Barkley and Madonna and Lizzie McGuire or will it be Howard Stern and that woman who the press seems to be still fawning over weeks after her death. Anna Nicole Smith was a predatory golddigger then but now is a cause celebre. what will be my internet legacy? rapier wit and ee cummings style of writing? an occasional simple and complete thought? who knows? wanting got the world to where we are today? maybe it is time for us to focus on NEEDING for a spell.

Long Day

today was one of those days. appeared in court with a mom who has a history of abandonment with her kids; two days ago she let her 1.5 year old wander out of the transitional housing complex gate. she ignored her child out there until the parenting worker showed and grabbed her son's hand. but the judge is ready for her to have unsupervised visitation as soon as possible. i am to provide the judge with additional information as to why she should not have supervised visitation.

relative caring for her 16 year old brother is broke and needs to get an advance so she can catch up on her rent...have to do something about that.

i have to testify next week at a certification hearing.
w
there is really just too much going on right now. i am weary.

PK

being a PK carries special privileges. everyone knows you and people are always watching you. you have to learn what it means to be in the public eye. people will remember you even after they have faded from your memories. Daddy has been here in the area for half his life. i have seen a parade of people come and go through the hospital room. lots of visitors and well wishers. we give each other a knowing glance. the faces look distantly familiar and now that some of their children are adults i can no longer easily place them in time and space. we knowingly nod an acknowledgment of relationship and connection through the pastor - Rev, as he is affectionately called. who else will become a fading memory? the longer i am out of contact with the sister that i knew, the less real she will become. will they come to my brother's wedding? will they bring my mother? or will they personalize all this and deny her the chance to meet her new DIL? the attorney says that Ms POA is angry because of we chose to appeal the BS order that came from that backasswards GA courtroom. what did she think would happen? is she simply waiting for us to roll over and expose our vulnerable undersides? she drew first blood. now we have graciously turned the other cheek as well. it is clobbering time now. but not with anger. reason and peaceful resistance. the truth will prevail. given time and our substantial PK training. i know how to keep a low but watchful profile. does she?

Going Home

this is going to be a frequently repeated theme for me. i have in many places....all of them have been home to me at one time or another. yesterday while i was driving to the VA to see my Dad, i had time to reflect on many of the places i have lived and some i could have lived in, if i had chosen to. the little hamlet my father has lived in now for half his life feels like a dying town. i drove down to see Lake Michigan and was truly disappointed. it was dirty and the beautiful park i remember as a child was no longer there. maybe i have romanticized some of it, but a drive along Greenbay Rd and Sheridan road confirmed that this was a magical place. so how does a town like North Chicago die? what memories of childhood do you have in a special place?

my list looks like this:

1317 LaPaloma was beautiful place. then 1829 Greenfield had magic....i think it still has a bit of that since i had to drive past there today. my mother's little house in Evanton is always going to retain the magic. i have not found a place in the Twin Cities yet that fits the bill...no place has ever quite felt like home. gotta run now and will finish these thoughts later.

New Blood

sometimes you finish doing something that was a short term assignment in your life. the feeling of that accomplishment can be a trap that can keep you from growing. i may have reached that point in my work and personal lives. some of the joy i used to feel at doing my job just is not there anymore. i want to be able to laugh at the end of my day...and perhaps have something left to give to those who need me. instead i feel like a wet noodle. i feel like i am being crushed in a giant water mill. the client just push and parry and thrust. i am always avoiding contact (metaphysically as well). i am even sometimes awash in the spray of the malaise of some many lives that i do not know where i am. today is one of those days. the weariness of constant hypervigilance and awareness takes a massive toll on my soul. each TPR is a chink in my battle scarred armour. i tire of the verbal gymnastics and mental pole vaulting that is required to stay supple and imaginative. kids need to be protected, but i do not think it is from the parents as much as it is from an inept system. too many people who do not know human development who are in decision-making authority. too many attorneys and dispositional advisors and guardians and workers all looking at the elephants sitting in their very midst. Obi Wan, you are our only hope now!

Today

i thought about doing many things. i called the county attorney in that other place to talk about the teen who is being certified to stand trial as an adult for two attempted murders in a convenience store holdup. i went to the prison today and talked with a dad who has been incarcerated for most of his son's life. he thinks that he is ready to parent now. i rushed home from work and fried some fish up and baked up some skillet fries and tator tots, pan-fried some corn and steamed some broccoli. it was a nice dinner. hardly anyone ate. and i was quite hungry myself.

my dad is still in he hospital...there is still something about his bleeding that we do not know. he has had blood transfusions, and is still bleeding. but the family patriarch is sharp enough to tell me that he does not want Ms POA to know where he is right now. i am stunned that the wisest woman in the world is not able to put this all together. she is allegedly making phone calls to siblings to glean whatever "intel" she can. so i guess we just have to see what her next move is.

Falling

Father, originally uploaded by unohuu.

my dad has been around forever. he is a big old brute of an old style kind of man. no mincing words for him. he tells it as he sees it. that may not bode well for many PC kind of folks. the kinds of things this old guy rails against would make the RNC proud. but he is better than that. he really cares; it is not for political gain or prestige. he has these certain beliefs. they are beliefs born of racism and the Great Depression. they are beliefs born of Jim Crow and chicken dinners and struggling to feed a growing family. this man served in one of America's most forgotten wars - Korea. We did not call this a war. it was a conflict. Click Here . he came home with shrapnel in his hide and a nation full of hatred. just before the Civil Rights movement took a serious turn. imagine fighting for freedom for others and having to be a second class citizen in your own country. imagine being OK to serve, but not to be served. imagine what it meant for those soldiers who gave their lives there and had to come home to the shame of Jim Crow and Arkansas and Alabama and Rednecks with guns.

i simply listen now when my Daddy talks about his past. respect for his sacrifices is one small way of demonstrating honor. too bad it is not genetic. of all the times i have seen my Daddy angry, i have seldom seen the hurt that he stifles when he thinks about what is going on with our mother. they have been divorced now for more than thirty years, but there is still a bond. he must cry when he thinks that my sister, Ms POA, would so casually and maliciously attempt to strip my mother of her long fought after and treasured dignity. i guess she does not know that dignity can't be purchased or stolen. it can only be relinquished. guess she missed all that as part of the Civil Rights movement. maybe they had to lobotomize her when she was in law school so that she could no longer distinguish between right and wrong. yes, there are some absolutes. i know, my Daddy told me so and i believe him.

Coming Home

The President and Cabinet responses to the problems at military hospitals is coming right home. I got a late night phone call regarding my dad, the vet, you know. He was rushed to the ER yesterday. I relied on "intel" from my brother and sister yesterday, but called the VA direct this morning. It started with simple communication with the "0" as I tried to find what room he was in. It was like calling to Bangalor to get a simple question answered about my water bill. It was as if they could not understand me. "I am calling to find out how my father is doing. His name is L____ L________. No, L@@@*& is his surname."
"I am sorry sir, I will transfer you to the nurses station. There is no phone in his room."
"ICU, I am calling to ask about the condition of my father, whose name is ***&^ ((*&^. See that gibberish I just wrote down there. It is more intelligible than the immediate response I received from ICU. Finally someone with a thick subcontinent accent got on the line. We were able to communicate then. I am used to talking with them when I have a question about my computer or credit card. Now we are getting somewhere. But when did the US Military start to outsource jobs and communications?

Maybe if the politicians had to have their medical care done there. Maybe if the politicians actually had to experience what normal people do at hospitals, instead of getting the RED CARPET treatment that they do. Socialized medicine would be just around the corner. The haves really do have it. You know when the hospitals and clinics are looking at the two-tier system. Plebian vs Partrician services. What a laugh? How many of those ding dongs actually might have experienced combat. Stop and think about it for a minute. They wine and dine with lobbyists, get outrageous per diems and have pensions after a brief stint "serving" their country. Feels like more pork barrell politics all over again. The haves get to HAVE more and the rest of us should simply be grateful that we have something left over when they are done DOING it to us.

So where does my sister fit into this? I do not know, but I sure will find a link between her and the greedy. So my quandry now is to decide if I want to tell the forgotten two about what is going on. WWDD? WITRTTD? I can sleep on it a couple of days. I am pretty sure that I can't make that move before I talk with my dad. Who knows what evil lurks in the briefcase of Ms POA and her cronies? Why she might even produce a POA for the Rev. Who knows from whence she might have obtained it?

Complainer

some people would complain about an 80F day with a gentle sea breeze. they could easily find something wrong with that kind of beautiful day. some could complain that they did not win enough money in the lottery or at the track. some could simply find fault with any small thing. i am not sure that many are able to express simple gratitude for anything in life. why do we so easily focus on what we do not have, and fail to acknowledge what we do have?


i know what i can do here. i only have to reinforce the kind of behaviors i think are appropriate. i think that might have some small impact. i want to be around life-giving and life-rewarding people versus energy-sucking kinds of people. we all know them. they bring the clouds with them when they come. they are the misery that likes company. they are the nothing is ever quite good enough people in your life. you know them, and you know what you feel like when you have been exposed to them for too long. take a deep breath now. exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale. breathe and breathe again. be thankful for the breath that you are able to take in. each little miracle is a conglomeration of many blessings all bestowed at once. now waltz on into your kitchen or your coffee shop and start your day. remember to be thankful to someone or for something at least once today.

Once in a Lifetime

some of you know what i do. for the rest, i just want you to know that i recently had an experience that is so unlike my everyday job that i just have to share it. this was a once in a lifetime happy experience that i was fortunate enough to be part of. these kids needed a home and needed one fast. it involved some hard truth and gentle persuasion. they are now home with their Dad. i was lucky enough to see what love in ACTION really looks like. from 4 to eight over night. from 3 and 1 to 4 and 4. from his and ours to all of ours. see we (the agency i work for) was simply determined that these 4 kids had to stay together. they had two separate and disparate fathers...one living here with me and one in sunny CA. if you can imagine telling these kids that they were likely to go to CA and live there with their dad, and then hearing how they could not bear to leave their mother. patience prevailed though and Dad started a regular telephone campaign. the idea of shedding a winter jacket for once and all and the allure of 85F soon won them over. i saw smiles and laughter and relaxation and hope for a better tomorrow. OK, enough said. keep wishing this family peace and togetherness.

Sunny CA

from 50F yesterday to possible 90+ today. the flight was hard. kids got bored easily and we were not sitting close enough to each other to keep them entertained. easily through Phoenix except the delay. they rushed us onto the plane even though we were on the same airline. puffing and huffing as Dad and I rushed three youngsters and his teenage son through the airport. the girls were even a bit frightened because they had been "scared" by their brother. everything worked out OK in the end. his wife and SIL met us at the airport and they took the mountain of bags and left. i found my rental and worked my way onto the freeway to my motel. instant traffic jam....yes it was 9:00 p.m. and they were merging three lanes into one so that we could exit freeway and circle around the overpass and back onto the freeway. i can only imagine what a mess that is during the day.

fast free wireless does not work in my room, but i found a Starbucks and logged on anyway. things just do not work here as they should. we have the smarts and the infrastructure, but everybody is so eager to squeeze every possible penny of profit on the short term totally ignoring the possible long term gain and loyalty of customers. has to be a better way.

thinking about what to do here today. could drive to SD to see my "other" SIL. my brother's ex did not bother to call me back. may try her one more time before i leave, but i guess she is one of our strange family members. would just be nice to see my nephew and to see KL anyway. i am not even sure how long it has been. well on with my life anyway. SD is probably too far to drive even though i have a couple days. off to google maps. maybe more later.

I Like Dreaming

I Like Dreaming, originally uploaded by unohuu.

about freedom and peace and quiet. i like dreaming that wars have ended and people have learned to get along with each other or simply choose some other set of people. there are more than six billion of us. more than enough here to find a likely match. i like dreaming that corporation realize that equality goes a long way towards a positive work ethic. i dream that people no longer have to stand on the corner with a cardboard sign begging other people for food or clothing or dry warm place to sleep. i dream that there is no more starvation in the world. that we have eliminated famine and disease. can you imagine this place? you simply have to try. if we can begin to imagine a world without war, we will find a way to stop killing each other. if we can imagine a world where everyone has enough to eat, we can begin to create the world. if we can begin to imagine that all people have merit, simply by virtue of birth, we can eliminate hatreds and so many of the -isms. this child is the child we will be changing the world for. she deserves all that we have learned and valued. she may be the next Ghandi or maybe the next brilliant scientist or the person who achieves the next most important thing in medicine or computers or ...she is in my Sunday School class. Joy to the World!

What's in Your Wallet?

A couple of ATM card receipts, another for gas at the Shell station. One more for groceries at the grocery store near my house. That is simply what one might be able to see. In addition I carry a dose of hope and promise for the future; some forgiveness; a bit of tenderness that is well worn; a receipt for thankfullness that I trade back and forth with some of my friends and a business card for my own inspiration. There is a credit card and the ATM/checking card, a license and some what not kind of things. no photos of the wife and kids. no telephone numbers, no addresses of any kind. have to protect the loved ones as much as i can. can't be certain that my mostly docile clients will not have a fit of umbrage and rage. that would not do to have them stalking or harassing my family. paranoid...you bet your !@# i am.

Bear With Me

while i talk with you about a strange kind of conspiracy theory. this one involves attorneys and judges and such. i can't prove any of this but i can't make sense of it any other way. from the very beginning i have had the feeling that the deck was stacked against us. i am pretty sure that Ms POA did not know who was involved in this thing that she called a kidnapping, yet she managed to have my sister arrested and incarcerated for a long weekend. Columbus Day weekend if i recall correctly. then the junk started coming at us so fast that we barely were able to come up for a breath of fresh air before some new kind of insanity happened. is it possible that the corrupt little legal system in GA has a Code of Silence? tell me why else a judge would risk his career and status in the community. what does Ms POA have on this nut? is there some meaty scandal waiting to be uncovered. Mothergate 2006. imagine that. then just a few days ago, my sister tells me that Ms POA is driving a new vehicle. something large and flamboyant. something flashy and certainly environmentally a disaster, no doubt. then we manage to have an inept attorney who could not see his way out of a clear plastic grocery bag. even my brother could have put together a better defense than this attorney...we will have to pay him though.

could the legal profession be so unethical that they would rally around each other, even if one were doing something they all new was wrong. or perhaps it is because they lack moral compass and guidance. since each argument is about proving one's case, there is no relativity between what is right or wrong. simply a matter of what one is able to prove. shoot them all...maybe but then some other slime would crawl to the top of the scum heap to take their place. how about we just expect them to be decent. how about we search really deep within ourselves and get the solutions to the problems? that might mean apologies or compromise.

so here we have a woman who has medical bills taller than the Empire State Building and a recently purchased home and now a new vehicle. she must be one helluva lawyer. even so, i am certainly glad that i have never taken her counsel on anything.

waiting for the next shoe to fall.

Surprise

a couple of days ago i received an email from my brother. there was three oversized poorly taken photos in this e-mail. maybe i am still in shock and have to look at them again. pictures of a ring (poorly focused); a picture of his nostrils and his betrothed (still no name); a photo of her opening something; and a stuffed white bear.

yesterday i got an email from Ms POA. she sent me an inspirational story. i thought it might be an apology for all the recent turmoil and a request to sit down and talk this all through. not quite. it actually was a story about an isolationist who fell off a mountain. i think the moral is that sometimes you have to let go and trust others. at least that is what i took from the story. i am sure that this message was not for me though; she mass mailed it to all of her friends, cohorts and admirers. no information though about our musical mother. does she go to the ADC or not. who is actually caring for her? that is on a need to know basis.

i had the pleasure of talking with my mother night before last. my kids talked to her as well. she is still completed confounded by recent events and simply can't understand why all this is happening. maybe the new attorney will be able to offer us some hope.

on the work front - change is constant.

One More Time

In a world already over populated and crazy with disease, famine, starvation, heart ache and love brimming to overflow, another child is conceived. Another alcohol-abusing, developmentally disabled mother will attempt to bring another child into this world. I had already begun to wonder why she was no longer expressing an interest in her son. She has another baby to love and smother with love. Another baby who will take care of her. Another child that we will more than likely spend our hard-earned tax dollars for so that she can again try to successfully raise this child. Even though time has already demonstrated her incapacity to meet her own needs, let alone the needs of the impending new born. There will be another father who will not have a relationship with his child. Another child who will miss the love of two willing and able parents. Another child who will become a statistic in our headlong rush into oblivion. When do we stop the insanity? I am not sure we can anymore.

Every Morning

i heard this while listening to Michael Friedman's e-book, The World is Flat. it is a very interesting perspective on what life is from differing perspectives. hope you find some meaning in this as well.

Every morning in Africa, a gazelle awakens. He has only one thought on his mind: To be able to run faster than the fastest lion. If he cannot, then he will be eaten.

Every morning in Africa a lion awakens. He has only one thought on his mind: To be able to run faster than the slowest gazelle. If he cannot, he will die of hunger.

Whether you choose to be a gazelle or a lion is of no consequence. It is enough to know that with the rising of the sun, you must run. And you must run faster than you did yesterday or you will die. This is the race of life."

- African Proverb

think about this for a brief moment.

it happens

Life happens in the middle of all that we have planned. Kids are born, jobs are gained and lost. Families change. Friends come and go. It happens in an infinitely long instant. We are aware of all that transpires, we simply find a way to let some of it trickle in at distinct moments in our lives. I see this happening daily now with my 12 1/2 year old. Education is important to her in the grand scheme of her life, yet we can't get her to do her homework or even talk about the difficulties she might be having. Of course, we have already talked about her "perfect infallibility" and "immortality" that can be her own Achilles Heel. I know that each generation must go through this in its own way. I know that reality does come screeching in at some age. I simply want her to be awake in the process.

As I watch my parents age and look in the mirror myself, I see that time is a formidable foe. Time is a constant. We can pretend and try to ignore the inexorable, but inevitability wins.

So here is a brief recap of 3/5/07. Woke up, dragged myself out of bed....(the Beatles were so right). Took a shower, made breakfast for the unappreciative 12 year old, prepared some lunch for her, reminded her to take her medication. Walked downstairs, fed her guinea pig (the one she has pledged eternal love to, but forgets to feed and change the litter), made sure Dude had some fresh water. Drove her to school, talking about the general importance of family and education and an awareness of what history teaches us so that we may avoid similar mistakes. Gladly accepted a quick grunt of semi-appreciation (probably more that the ride and talk was over).

Drove to pick up a client in suburb so that she could attend her one-year old's developmental screening. She told me her attorney wants her to keep her mouth closed when she is with me. Supposedly, if she does not tell me the bad things, I will likely never find out. (An adult version of peek-a-boo).

Drove client back home after getting her a cab voucher to visit FH again today. She was more vocal this time, prying me for answers to hypothetical questions. I did my best to give her the answers she sought (although likely not the answers she wanted).

Took phone call from ex. 12 year old mouthing off to Spanish teacher at school. Daughter did not want to call me. We chatted about this briefly. I fumed and claimed I needed time for calmness before I started thinking of responses. Will call her back later.

Took phone call from neighbor. My wife had caught her son dashing from our garage. She thought she was calling my wife. She wanted to know if we might press charges and what our response might be. I told her we would talk and get back to her. No sooner than that call ended, phone rings again. It is my wife with an explanation of the succession of events. She is also returning my call from the incident with 12 year old. Chaos is spinning webs inside of my head at this time.

Note on my desk chair. Apparently missed court hearing. Not on my calendar. Proactive...just go deal with it. Talk with supervisor, talk with county attorney. Reminder to call insurance agent and get money for counsel with sister in GA. He needs to fax something to me and have me send it back ASAP. Email from sister wondering what happened to money I had promised to send. Quick response explaining no rubber check sent; SNAFU on this end. Will take immediate action.

Call from FP about kids placed in her home. When?
Call from client about ICPC in Missouri. Already on it is response to her.
Call from therapist, call from in-home provider, email from co-worker about changed visit due to storm on Friday. VM from FP indicating SV cancelled due to storm on Friday and will makeup when able. On vacation now.

Grab muffin for lunch. Co-worker snatches a moment to tell me she accepted new position. We chat ever so briefly about promotional application I completed. Need to get back to desk for report that should have gone to judge for hearing I already missed.

Need to complete request for hotel for dad coming from CA for hearing next week to take kids in previously mentioned FH back to CA (4 kids). Need to get kids baggage so they do not have to take plastic garbage bags on plane. Done after I stop and talk to SW about changes and what might happen in court.

Middle of the day. I can't write more because I have to go back in a start this all over. But we did talk about the trespassing at dinner with the kids. We did talk about how important school is just before we started homework that 12 year old did not finish. I told her I would awaken her at 5:30 to do the oh so simple Spanish report that needed to be in today.

Woke up, got outta bed. Dragged a comb across my head.

the game

made it through another exciting weekend. my son had a basketball tournament. they took second place, but one would not necessarily know that from the parents' reaction. completely supportive of the kids and the team play involved with athletics. we lucked out and had a good coach - one who has some understanding of normal child development. excellent interactions. it is incredible to watch your children grow up right under your eyes. there is the full spectrum of emotions. sometimes over and over again. sometimes just so intense it is almost unbearable. joy, pain, grief, ecstacy. they hold the violin strings for this symphony waiting to be named and played in entirety. constant dress rehearsals. i would not have it any other way.

i did not take a camera this time. not a single photo. not a moment when i could not be focused on the games. every one who knows me was stunned and shocked. how dare i? they usually count on me to have the best photos. i just wanted to be immersed in the moment for once. not composing or thinking about the lighting or the challenge of shooting around people or DOF....just watch the game, and that is exactly what i did.

~):

There are some things that words can't describe. Today was one of those days. Sunday school was hectic - we had 40 kids today. Seems that most of them have been cooped up indoors with the recent snow storm. That means that this was a free for all today. I usually leave exhausted. I had to drag myself out the door today...but then there is my old family stuff that we had to deal with. I have been talking about doing one thing or another. I have so desperately wanted to get something going financially so that I can stuff some cash away in the war chest. Lots of lookers, but getting people to cough up hard earned cash for an unknown quantity is more than a job...I am at the point right now where I think I need to have a marketing department. Or a publicist. Start printing and dropping prints off in various places. But again, that's work.

Why can't the money just fall into my lap? Grasshopper, one must....OK, I know that I have to pay my dues.

Then I have to think of a niche for the final product. Who do I want to sell these prints to? What kind of event or wedding photographer do I want to be? Maybe I have to think of this like a job instead of something else that I do. Report to work each morning about 5:00 a.m. and sell sell sell.

Rat Race

i want to get as far away from the human race as i possibly can...they (we) are a demanding and unforgiving lot of creatures. we seldom express appreciation for the simplest and most genuine kinds of loving acts. we want more. more jewelry, more money, more cars and accolades and such. the rat race is being won by the rats. people should not be part of it. time to change tunes and make positive use of my time. being positive about what i want instead of addressing it from the negative. saying yes to opportunity rather than worrying about this or that or something or the other. giving and taking...taking and giving again and again. i am just too fried right now to put this positive plan into action.

Snow Day

Tell me if this has any merit at all. I have lived here in Minnesnowta now for about 28 years. Each year it snows and people complain that we get either 1) too little (diehard skiiers and snowboarders and snowmobilers) or 2) too much snow. I can't quite figure it out. It would be similar to people who live in the desert complaining about how hot and dry it is. The way I figure it this snow is a boon. We get some much needed moisture that can melt into the ground (think summer drought) and we get some snow cover for a spell.

What is with all the hysteria about a few inches of snow? Everybody I know has some kind of 4-wheel drive or all wheel drive vehicle. Isn't the snow one of the reasons they drive the gas guzzlers? Most of these vehicles are not off-road at any time. So quit your whining already. And slow down and use those long forgotten winter safety and winter driving skills. The only people I know in a hurry today are the ones who have a date with the medics or death. Slow down. I wanted to leave work early and find a choice location to watch for accidents (with camera in hand) ready to e-mail photos to insurance adjusters (for the right price, of course). See how this disgraceful situation with my sister has turned me into a leech. (you were wondering of course when I was going to mention something about Ms POA, weren't you?)

OK, new attorney who costs more money and will need more cooperation than I think my brother is willing to provide. I do not mind selling off my mutual funds (since I will never likely retire anyway). But it is the principle. Shut up and let us know or simply let us know and go on ranting about the Marvin Gaye solution.

off my soap box now!

Tempest in a Teapot

Tempest in a Teapot
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

i am working on a couple of photo projects right now. one of them is for Utata...another for the BDL Legal fund...and the last of them is for the CCC March Salon. Iron Photographer 17 requires a metal; a piece of clothing and a shot from above the items. The BDL Legal fund merely requires me to sell some of these wacky images in order to liberate my mother from the tyranny that we have all come to know as Ms POA. In order to that we have to meet this sibling on her turf. i have to admit that she has become quite shrewd. unfortunately she has also become like a vampire or bloodsucker. To the bard that suggested we rid ourselves of the vermin we know of as lawyers, i commend you. but first this commercial break while we try to find our own shyster to pound the living UNOWHAT out of her.

CCC is for shadows for March. i should be able to do that since the days are again getting longer. just 3 short weeks to the equinox. the long winter of our misery and discontent is almost over. we must first endure a few snow squalls here where i live. one for Wednesday and yet another scheduled for later this week. the end however is in sight. that is, until we get to tournament time - i think that is both basketball and hockey snowstorms are to be scheduled de rigeur here in minnesnowta.

see ya soon.

Dismissed

Yesterday it snowed and snowed here. Today when my daughter left for school I told her to take the boots that we bought for her. She ran down to her room and grabbed the boots. She carried these boots out to the car and plopped herself down in the front seat.

Today when I picked up the kids from the friend's house and the after school program, neither had boots. No worries. I have a plan. I am just not 100 % sure that it will work. I think they should pay the co-pay and some salary reimbursement when they do dumb things like forgetting to put on their boots. I guess I can't really do that since my daughter has double coverage and no co-pays for her.

Anyway, this little girl gave me the same dismissive look when I tried to take her photograph this afternoon. I guess I should get used to it. The dismissive gestures and handsigns. I am just getting old I guess.

Peaceful Easy Feeling

we finally got our big snow storm. actually more inches than i anticipated. i shoveled today. i sweated a bit and then i moved LR furniture. always a real good peace inducing activity for me. Call from my mom...i had to pretend to have a pleasant conversation with my sister. i am tired so going to bed shortly. go to flickr and check out some of my photos.

i need your help with the best possible candidates for cards and general art. i am going to sell them to pay for the attorney we need to hire. but i want to only have a few on hand at any given time and a quick way to print them and ship if needed. ideas generally welcome. would prefer something close to Minneapolis/St. Paul and would like to see some samples before I go all out.

Thought I Was Done

the previous post was short. i thought that it would be enough of a cathartic experience for me to be able to be OK for the day. i was wrong and it was not nearly enough. just thinking about all the subterfuge and chicanery and such is enough for me to want more...more of what i cannot possibly have. each day is like another day of having my fingernails pulled direct from my fingers. a few more of the hairs on my head gray each day. some from worry...some simply from age. pray that wisdom could accompany those arriving with age.

this is not a fairy tale. there will be no magic happy ending unless we choose to fight the evil that lurks in the heart of this one vindictive and nefarious family member. the evil can spread and must be stopped. eradicated like vermin. we must be merciless.

you want to know more, you can contact me directly...you want to help, click on the Etsy art link and buy some photographs. I expect to increase the availability of additional items such as photo cards, accessories or to license photos from my flickr site for business cards, stock photography and personal use. I am cheap at the moment. Get in on the ground floor.

SNAFU

the legal system sucks sometimes...i am caught in the middle of too much stuff right now. trials at work with chemically dependent parents who would gladly trade their kid for a hit of meth. continuing problems with my sister who thinks she is the Queen of the Universe. Seems she filed a motion to block any petition for guardianship for my mother. She based this on some hu ha crap that she falsely created during the last squall in December. I have had it up to here (see top of my thinning and graying head). of course, she does not know the meaning of the word tenacity. but she is certainly going to find out soon enough. sell some photos...sell some camera equipment. keep stuffing money into lawyer's pockets. send their children to private schools. deprive my family of my energy and time and patience. i know, it is my choice. but it is kind of a Sophie's Choice. Aaaarrrggghhh!

Questions

Some people are known to say mean things or to commit horrible acts so that they can feel better about themselves. Ironically this happens most often to people who have been victimized themselves, but have not truly achieved healing. I was reading the post in the link above, (Questions) and it dawned on me. We live in a society that teaches contradicting methodologies. On one hand we are taught to care for the weak, frail and injured, while on the other hand we are taught that it is a dog-eat-dog world. Do unto others before they have a chance to do unto you. Now the answer becomes clear. But that only leads to more questions about how healing truly takes place. If it is on the individual level and we have more walking wounded (and wounding) than those seeking healing, we are losing. How many do we have to lose before the healers and healed check out? Is this how new societies are formed? The Pilgrims left their homeland to avoid persecution. No sooner than they arrived than they started their own persecutions based on the simple theory that they were right (and righteous).

They were so right that they took a world-wide practice and turned it into one of humanities greatest tragedies. Slavery. How many millions were lost and died? We are just a few days short of the end of Black History Month. What have learned about the history of our Black community members? Look at your local news today - not with th eyes of someone who fears victimization by someone you have been taught to fear. Look at the news at someone who probably has been victimized. How can we help each other heal if we remain in constant fear of each other?

Some Possible Answers:

Love thy neighbor (locally and globally) as yourself and your family.

We all live downstream from someone else.

Treat even the "least of them" as you would like to be treated yourself.

Honor your father and mother and sister and brother and neighbor and child and community.

Do not judge others for if you do they will surely judge you in return through the eyes of the righteous victim.

Put a little love in YOUR heart and mind and tongue.

Be humble. We could all learn a tad from each other.

Listen with your mind open.

Learn to forgive.

Remember the Titans and the Lilliputians.

Do not believe everything that you read or hear or see about others. We all have brains and can learn from our own senses. We do have some idea of what is right and what is wrong.

Laugh once in a while (especially at yourself).

Cry when you see injustice, but then put your mind to work to heal what you have seen.

No one is free until all are free.

Dain Bramage

Today is our father's birthday. Our little family cancelled the weekend trip to Chicago to visit because there were just too many sick people here. We wanted to go, but with my wife away for the weekend already, and Chicago deeply buried in snow I was reluctant to venture along the interstate along and not feeling so hot myself. His church usually has a big celebration for him and we get to be paraded around as the lucky progeny. Our parents are getting old and they will not likely have as many birthdays in their futures as they already have had. This was a big one. He was disappointed when I called, but understanding. Understanding of a son who has worked hard at maintaining a positive relationship.

Now my sister who is Ms POA called our dad this morning. She sang Happy Birthday to him...she sang this as if she had just seen him yesterday and awakened in her bedroom in his home. She sang as if she had not recently called him a liar. She sang it as if she had not tried to insult him publicly in Hotlanta just a bit over a month ago. She sang this as if she has no recollection of the shameful behavior she is so adamantly engaged in. She sang this song as if she were still the fair-haired child that she has believed she always thought she was. I don't understand this, but then I have not ever had enough chutzpah (cojones for some of you) to pull off anything so brazen and shameless. So the simplest answer is that she must have some kind of dain bramage. You know...she simply can't connect the dots inside of her rat poisoned damaged brain. We cry for our mother and worry that the last days will be lost in a fog of keep the mother away from the other siblings so that they become frustrated as hell and do something regrettably stupid and then are not eligible to see their mother. Or some lame something or the other.

Huh...?

Excerpts

Girl,

I see you changed your eyes from brown to blue!
Tell me honey, what dat do?
Your lovely mocks me, ignores my tears designed by you.
Tell me honey, what dat do?

We ain't shame of being Westside
What little we got, we kept our pride!
You sneer and grin to save your hide.
You stepped up in it, got on the wrong side!

Educated fool, won't heed the golden rule.
All you get, they'll take at will
The very day you ain't their shill!
So tell us, baby what dat do?

Lordy, gal, you just on a spree?
Maybe you think you gave us free!
You took our gifts and picked us clean.
Now we see, your eyes are green!

Jodie's coming to collect his pay!
For all who stood and paved your way.
Your goose is cooked, it's nearly burned.
Tell me honey, why can't you learn?

Didn't know you was a queen?
Why trade your crown for shiny things?
Laid down in trash, like all the rest!
Shame on you - can't pass this test!

Now, tell me honey,
Just, what dat do?

X
________________

One small sample of the rings of pain associated with the preventable loss of contact with our mother. One sibling's pain transformed into words. The pen is mightier than the sword.
________________________

Carter G. Woodson
Carter G. roll over gently in your grave. Who would have ever thought that one of your own blood would become a master's pet. Our distant relative. Fought for our right and to become educated. He would never have guessed this could happen.

I recall another quote that I probably learned at my mother's skirt, "You can kill a man but you can't kill an idea." Medgar Evers

The idea is one that my family has been involved with for decades - Freedom!

We have elected to, "Live free or die" On the souls of all that have come before us, freedom is all that we ask. Freedom sweet freedom! What dat do? Liberty or Death

Rosa Parks regarded by many as an important force in the civil rights movement started her courageous act with simple defiance of something that she could no longer tolerate. She was just fed up with a LIE. Who is telling you lies?

There are many more heroes and sheroes in this parade. History wants us to forget about the freedoms that we have so fervently pursued. Scream at the top of your lungs. FREEDOM!

Alternate Universe

Alternate Universe
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

We all have free will. We can choose to be nice or peaceful or evil or wise or truculent. We may not always be aware of our choices, but they exist. Each moment in our lives is a choice immediately followed by another. That makes our existence difficult at times, but so rewarding at others. With free will comes temptation and indulgence. With free will comes consequence. With consequence comes punishment and reward. Reward leads to repeating the behavior with the hope of more reward. Many of us also forget that extinction works almost as powerfully as reward. We want to avoid the negative consequences for our behaviors (maybe thoughts and feelings since we do not have a firm grasp on this).

We confuse temptations offered with reward. We convince ourselves that we somehow deserve that which is placed before us. Status, money, power, lust, fame are but a few. That is our failing. We falsely assume that we can repeat the rewards. Often we may, but what happens when we do find that single honest (wo)man? Are we willing to risk it all? It seems that too many of uss are. Do I want to tempt fate?

Somewhere in the midst of all this comes justice and righteousness. The signals coming in are deterrents to clarity. Evil seeks to derail us all and deprive us of what we might have. Gluttony, murder, lust. Some of those deadly sins. Vanity according to Dustin Hoffman. We are repeatedly sought out for our weaknesses rather than our strengths. Humility is the key. Don't rest on your laurels. One right choice does not a saint make.

Pathetique

Sometimes my job truly sucks. I am working with a mother. She has four children with two different dads. She is strung out again and can't take care of her children. She has had at least a couple of treatments since this time last year. Her kids finally reach her on the telephone...she simply tells them not to call her anymore - it is too hard for her. Now this becomes my job. How do I soothe their tortured souls?

I am working with another mom. Drug of choice - meth. Ice and crank for those of you in the know. Highly addictive. Worse than crack they say. Controlled by motorcycle gangs where I live. She visits with her kids weekly. She does not do her UAs. She does not participate in therapy. She does not think that her meth habit is bad. She knows people who have it really bad. Of course, they either already lost their kids or are in the system yet. She whined today because everybody she knows is locked up or incarcerated somewhere.

What does this have to do with Ms POA? Nothing and everything. She would prefer that total strangers have better access to our mother than we should. She finally takes ancient advice and elects to get out mother into Adult Daycare. Horrible when we thought of it and suggested it. Brilliant when the idea "dawned" on her and the CNAs. See that I am invited to visit with my mother at the ADC, as long as I call ahead. Number provided, but not her scheduled days there. That would not be fair. Keep us guessing or at the least keep us on the edge of insanity. Talk with the HEADMASTER first. You beginning to get the gist of how this is all supposed to work? I am!

What Now

My sister's custom made order came in the mail over the weekend. I know that the judge wanted to get this off his desk as quickly as possible. In reality we have to make a decision about choosing to continue this or making the choice to settle back and wait for their next move. In reality this tail is still wagging the dog. Here are the new developments. My mother has a new CNA. Her name is the same as a Japanese electronics company that we have had conflict with because of security violations. Why are children named so capriciously by their parents?

My mother allegedly will be attending an adult daycare program a few afternoons per week. We first mentioned this to Ms POA a bit more than a year ago. About the same time that we first started the major conflict with my sister. Imagine my surprise to hear that it is the same center that CKL and I first toured while I was there. Imagine my surprise that we are all invited to come by and visit. Imagine that the director has been given information about all of us? I can only imagine what the specific details include. How does one spell freak C-O-N-T-R-O-L. If it is not here idea it has no merit or value. Of course, even though we have not been able to see my mother - musical charades and chairs - we are invited to visit with her on one of the undefined afternoons at said ADC. Would she actually be there if I were to fly down to Hotlanta?

Orders from the Court

My sister had her nearly verbatim request transferred to an order. It reads that I abducted my mother with the assistance of my brother and father; that we all conspired to interfere with Ms POA; that we should no longer interfere with her POA and may only have specific kinds of contact with my own mother. That nebulous 'interference" is part of the annoying nature of all that is going on. Round goes to the one of us who went to law school. Next skirmish is yet to be determined. Dare we consider appealing the wise old judge's decision or allow her to have this as a Pyrrhic victory? Suggestions surely considered.

Today I Dare to Dream, Again

Still cold here. The temperature is hovering around 0F. That certainly is not record setting cold, but we have short memories and fantasies that winters were never this bad before. My first winter in MN, resulted in 23 inches of fresh snow, plummeting temperatures and a number of deaths. This was January 1975. I remember this fondly because I left Chicago on a Greyhound and it was still snowing when I arrived in Mankato, many hours later. It snowed steadily for a couple of days. School was cancelled and the Highway Patrol issued travel warnings and started to close the interstate highways. Of course the crazed college students played in the snow and dared to venture out to the gym for pickup basketball games.

Other things I recall about the weather here. I recall that we always had a warm spell in January. Sometimes referred to as the Thaw. Temperatures in the 50s and 60s and then the return to our normal January temps.

This year there was not really a thaw. Not weather-wise at least. My life went through a brief thaw-like period. A couple of good weeks around my birthday. But the freeze is back in again. I am weary of all the emotional trauma and drama. Without going into too much detail, suffice it to say that the joy of the rollercoHow aster wears thin after some time. Being an introvert struggling to live in the world where extroversion is encouraged is difficult. There are so many times when I wish to retreat into a book or some quiet place. But not so easily done. The demands on my energy and time are constant.

How many of us have allowed our dreams to simply die? We compromised and made deals with our devils. We became shells of ourselves for convenience sake or social pressure. We let go of the very idealism that kept us alive when we were young and ready to change the world so that it could just be a better place. When did we stop putting our best foot forward? When did we start to listen to the naysayers? When did we stop loving life and start fearing death? When did we become so careful?

This year will continue to be a year of reflection; a review of the life I have lead until now and a preparation for the kind of life I want to live now and in my future. My dignity and self-respect have to stay intact. I want to know about love (and hurt); life and death; humility and honor. I am going to have to dream the impossible dream.

Snowfall

We all over slept here at this house this morning. It would not be unusual for my wife and daughter to sleep all day if the house were quiet enough. It was unusual for my son and for me. I am usually awake before dawn and the kid is just moments behind me. We managed to get them fed and into my wife's car and off to school. My son left his lunch on the table with breakfast. I decided this was a good day for me to have lunch with him. I rushed off to work; through the snow and frost. Seems we have again forgotten how to maneuver around when a bit of the fluffy stuff finds the ground. Maybe it is GLOBAL WARMING that is to blame. Minnesota is no longer the frigid ice box in the USA. More migration here from all those places because of our history of great welfare. Nah...I think it is just numbskulls driving trucks with poor traction and differential problems and the SUV drivers who think they are impervious to skidding, sliding and damage. I made it in to work.

Tomorrow is another busy court day. Hearing in the morning. Hearing in the afternoon and paperwork and such in between.

Miracles Everyday

some great photos from the party. we have had better parties or at least more controversial parties, but this was a one-0f-a-kind enjoyable party. perhaps because it was so cold outside or maybe just because the kids are better able to care for themselves. this party was not without problems. i had to take one of the kids home in the early a.m. i had to struggle to keep my eyes open at 4:30 a.m.

killing me softly with his song. this one reminds me how important it is to say what you think about people when they can hear you. so tell people that you love them, or tell them what they mean to you. my family is that important to me. how important are your loved ones?

Who are your heroes today?

-30F

it is cold here tonight. we have a house full of 9-10 year old boys here for a birthday party. i do not think we ever had sleepovers when i was a kid. probably just a peculiarity of my own upbringing. my daughter is sleeping over someone else's house tonight herself. maybe this is the modern version of getting a sitter for the night. maybe we just do not have enough time for the kids to spend together during the day. these young ruffians have eaten DQ ice cream cake, munched on pizza and grapes and pineapple and sucked down gallons of soda. should be an interesting evening as they start to drop off (it is just after midnight now).

modern relationships have strange and amorphous boundaries. i worked this party with my wife and ex-wife and ex's boyfriend for a while. these kids all play basketball or soccer or go to the same after school program together. they have had a blast. i thought we should let them choose their own activities. my wife thought we should go out in the arctic weather to find a movie that these kinetic energy balls have not seen. inertia proved to be smarter than all of us. as some of the kids arrived later than others they were able to blend into activities already started. you can only imagine the energy that Naruto and Cartoon Network can generate.

i will wake the boys up in the morning and make them all breakfast while my wife dashes off to church. she is dancing tomorrow. i will miss Sunday School.

Influenza A

it has been a harried week here at our house. LK had a raging fever last week and ended up with the flu. means no school. he missed a birthday party on Saturday and a basketball game. he was miserable so everyone around him was miserable. we spent 3 solid days here at home. it was getting colder and we watched cartoons and read books and opened his birthday presents early on Monday.

Tuesday I had a tough day. My wife was also home as she had managed to splash hot oil and steam into her face and wrist while cooking. she usually will not heed any suggestion i offer so we had her call the nurse's line. they told her exactly what i had told her. they spent more time talking with her and getting details and information. she would not take the analgesic though. go figure. it is almost as if it were all my fault. i tried to warn her that she was cooking at too high a temperature, but why listen to me. add in one sick child and i feel like mashed potatoes tonight. i had to keep the kid home for three days and he decided he was ready for school on Thursday.

i missed three pleasant days from work and then had the run-in with one of those never likeable professional victims that seem to be all over my caseload right now. after she gave me a mouthful of her observations on life and religion, she called me right back this morning to tell me how horrible I am and that she should not be talking with me at all. I agreed she should listen to her attorney. but she is trying....always trying and never getting enough encouragement from me. she can't believe that i am not paid to be her cheerleader. it is often incredible to see the expression on a client's face when they find out that i am really the child's worker and court liaison rather than the adult worker.

home to chaos and mayhem, but it is mine, so here i am...end of the week, and it is colder than imaginable to the rest of the country. but we like it here.

Blammo!

From Rodney

This is the way life happens at times. Last week, I was ready to shut off the porch light. My wildly maniacal sister had sent me tottering over the edge. I was tired of being nice and compassionate; frustrated with lack of information. Then out of the clear sky (not blue) she dials my cell phone and tells me my mother wishes to speak with me. I am floored and talk with my mom for a spell. She is very coherent and wants to know why all the family numbers have disappeared. I assure her that I will get her all the many ways she might contact me. I will send her a package of business cards; at least one for all the "estranged" children.

My mother hangs up before I can tell her I want to speak with Ms POA. I call back and simply and politely thank her. I am left wondering though what she has going on. Could it be the message I sent the aging and protection social worker? Could it simply be a softening of the volcanic rock control she has tried to exert? Does it matter?

Friday evening I tried my first modeling portfolio shoot. This is one of the images from that shoot. He and I had a bit of fun. We also had a stylist working with us. She helped him select clothing and she helped get him loosened up while I was shooting. R is a co-worker who wishes to do a bit of modeling. I hope he finds work for two reasons. I did his shoot for free; hoping to get a bit of exposure myself; and I simply hope he gets what he wants as well. Alls well that ends well.

Lights Out!

Daily calls to and from family. All this and I still feel as if I am in the Twilight Zone. Something wierd either just happening or just about to happen. Never quite know which way to turn and what to expect. The world as we were taught it is forever changed. Something as innocuous as Pluto no longer being the 9th planet in our solar system. How do you think Pluto feels? Devalued as a heavenly body. From this to that in a blink of an eye. Of course, I am making the assumption that Pluto cares or is concerned about what we think of its status.

My sister says we have left the porch light on long enough. Keeping this torch lit by the door for someone's safety is unrealistic. The threat is actually to the people waiting for the thief to slide in during the night. It is sensible to make it as difficult as possible for the barbarians to assault the gates. These metaphors are fun. Kind of cathartic. Since the virtual pen is mightier than the legal sword, perhaps I can find a way to slay the dragon before we are too singed and burned to have recognition of each other.

These are difficult times we live in. What say you, kind neighbor?

Benign Neglect

We have such a wonderful world that we live in. The air and water are not really too contaminated. We have the ability to have some beautiful days and magnificent sunsets and such. Sunrises probably as well, but I seldom see those anymore. Not that I am sleeping; simply that the stuff of everyday life keeps me from taking that simple moment to pause and reflect. Another day. Another blessing. Another chance to reach out and touch someone's hand. How is it that we so often do not do these things? What could be so very important that we do not pause? Getting a cup of Joe at Starbuck's?! Rushing around to get to work, to make money that we will spend one something or other that we really do not need. Try as we might, the advertisers suck most of us in. We want bigger homes that we spend less time in; larger cars that insulate us from the world around us; taller office buildings with cubicles and partitions that separate us from each other. The people doing the most sensitive work get the smaller spaces, but age and opportunity abound for each of us to accumulate TIME so that we might one day achieve the same amount of mediocrity that so many of us not-so-secretly despise.

We work so that we can one day enjoy what little life we have left. Some of us contemplate never retiring, simply because we can't afford to do so, whether that be financially or psychologically. I am probably a resident of both camps. Late to marry and then to divorce so I have spent part of the pension on attorney fees and such. Not to worry though as I can't envision not having a reason to rise in the morning...or to stay up all night for. What will this generation's legacy be? Graft. consumerism, pollution, destruction of environment and family? Your guess is as good as mine. The two parties will mudsling and assign blame rather than addressing the issues - it is a way of keeping themselves employed. How many stakeholders and agencies do this dance of we need you and you need us. I often ask myself if I could work myself out of a job in CP. Unfortunately, while a noble goal, I do not see this happening in the "reasonably foreseeable future."

What if we just let all the systems go into benign neglect mode? Would there be a natural correction? What if people stopped polluting the earth today? How long might it take to restore what we have come to think of as equilibrium? Are we anything more than a flea on the back of this dog, anyway?

A Sign of My Time

A Sign of My Time
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

here i am...amazingly the fortune cookie from lunch today said that i bring out the best in others. there were connections between my old and new friends that i was not aware of. people were suprised to see others there with me. i enjoyed having known that my neighbor and my ex-gf from college had dated. that my former roommate knew her from somewhere else. i saw friends that i have not seen for far too long. nice gathering friends...this was a good reminder of who am and who i am not. Thanks!

Touch

Touch
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

Last night I attended an awards banquet...Marriage and Family Therapists. People who get paid to talk and listen for a living. It was a wonderfully warm experience. Talking about pain - theirs and the pain of others. It was a pleasure to be in the company of some of these people that I have only known as names and CVs when I made a referral for some kind of therapy or the other.

Apart from the awards there was a CEU presentation involving movement. Movement is the pinnacle of perfection for MFTs. We live to move people from their stuck positions in life, relationships, love, work, family...you name it. The methodology chosen to move the Talking Heads is the Tango.

I do not know what imagery the TANGO elicits from your brain, but I consider the tango an extremely visceral and "in the moment" kind of life experience. Think touching and not touching. Think hot and sensual. Think about not thinking and simply going with the flow. Flow is another one of those instincts or urges we have come to suppress in our lives. It is probably related to intuition and insight or total awareness not 5 dependent sensitive.

Touch and Movement. Often quite enough to change the dynamics of a relationship. Changes can be positive or not. Changes can be subtle or obvious. Change that can be immediate or time-released. One of the therapists I admire was there. He has written books on short-term kind of change. I will sum it up in a quick phrase. If you have been banging your head against the wall and it hurts; stop. We all have the power to change the multilayered interrelationships we have in our lives - Simply do one thing different. You know!

Plain Brown Wrapping

We meet a lot of people in the course of our lives. Some are fancy packages that we must be careful with. Some are simply the plain brown wrapped package. Ask yourself which of these two possibilities you are.

Do your friends think of you as high maintenance?

Are you always seeking to be in the limelight or the center of attention?

Do you want people to see you in "all the right places?"

Asking yourself, what difference do any of the above really mean? Are people more likely to like you if you have the right credit card; graduated from the right law school, medical school, or MBA program? Can you be a simple but effective person? Is Harvard the only indication of your intelligence? Do you really need to drop names? I hope not.

My mother disappeared again this week. It seems that the PIC (short hand for People In Charge) made a decision that we could not be of assistance and would merely complicate the already preposterous. I spoke with Ms POA and explained my frustration. No compassion, nor a phone call from her, sister POA, jr., a CNA or anyone else. Just shut out of my mother's life. No further explanation needed. Magically, my mother reappeared today. Simply everything back to the pretend normal state of affairs.

Another child has been liberated and is eligible for adoption. This one was hard. I had considerable hope for the mom. Tuesday evening I picked up four siblings who are headed down this same path with their mother. Seems she took her son out for a stroll; apparently to be her interpreter or her bodyguard while she procured some crack. Fourteen year old son was angry and notified all the right people. Too bad it came to this.

5o on Sunday. My turn to become one of the sages. My turn to offer what little wisdom I might have now. No presents; no jokes about 5o being old or half-dead. Just wish me a happy birthday and share your wisdom with me. I think this is as plain as I can get wrapped. Thanks in advance.

Update

I have an update. Sometimes I hear that it does help to keep the porchlight on. My sister's dog returned after a long weekend and a few days of missing from the back yard. He left when he wanted and returned when he was ready. Hopee that transfers to my sister, although I doubt that she is as loyal or intelligent as the dog. My mother is MIA since Sunday or so. I had a conversation with my sister regarding contact with her but she did her usual loud and pompous response. I am.... and you are not.

Work is really tough. I am losing it all right now. Feel like I am drowning.

More later.

Today

We will have another busy day. Basketball game, then I go to work and supervise a visit; from there to my studio for a model portrait session; from there to a party with some friends. It might be dinner, or a movie. I do not know yet. Looking forward to the cold weather and time to simply relax. As it is I am listening to crackle of burning wood in the fireplace. This is what winter is really about. Rest. Restoration. Peace. The other seasons all have so many things one must simply do. Mow the lawn. Rake the leaves. Paint the house. Oh, how I simply like the quietness of this day.

One Moment in a Lifetime

One Moment in a Lifetime
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

Father and daughter have not seen each other in years. it seems that "his baby mama" is having some problems. Father and daughter will never be able to recover those days lost.

Work

We all, for the most part, have something that we like to do. Something we enjoy and would do it whether we got paid handsomely for it or not. Some are lucky and do get compensation that most of us can only dream about. Athletes (mostly male), actors and actresses, some performers whether they be musicians or theatre artists, some medical professionals, some attorneys, and many CEOs. I am not so sure though that the CEOs like what they are doing as much as they like the compensation. What got me to thinking about this? The studio. Everyone I have told about it has offered me congratulations. I think many of us want to do something creative or fun, but we worry too much about the bills. The stuff of our dreary lives. That is NOT me. As that astute man says in the beer commercial, "We will be dead long enough". Live is for enjoying, not fretting about what might happen in an uncertain future.

Here is what I know:
We might have global warming.
We might have another mainland USA terrorist attack.
We might have flooded coasts.
We might have avian flu.
We might have regular flu.
We might have more problems than we can shake a stick at.
We might have more troops in Iraq again soon.
We might have a long "not war" on our hands.
We might kill a few more of our youth and future.
Oil prices are falling today.


I think the list could be longer, but I think most of you will get the point here. Our future really is uncertain, yet we plan anyway. We have thirty-year mortgages. We have life insurance and pension plans. We might not live that long.

We have been taught to suspend our present for the uncertain future. The future feels more uncertain today than it did during the COLD WAR. Michael Crichton writes that we are living in a state of fear, because that is one of the methods of chaos and mind control that our government uses or endorses to placate the masses. We always need an external enemey. We no longer have the might Red Bear. We will continue to invent crises. Panama, Grenada, Mexico and the border problem, illegal immigration, beef beefs with Canada. Is this some way of avoiding the real issues we have here. Inequality! Poverty! Racism! Homophobia! Intolerance! Whose image are we striving to copy?

Ever dream of abandoning the rat race? What have your peers told you? Just think that misery wants company.

Payraises

i had a thought related to the previous blog on TRYING. closely related to the tryers are people who talk and think about doing things. they think about losing weight and cleaning their closets. they think about graduate school and getting jobs.

giving the working poor a raise. i am already anticipating the news reports from those employers that are busy giving the CEOs astronomical salaries with even more compensation tied to management performance. in MN, the senators are looking at giving themselves a raise. of course, these people have important positions. we have to give them something close to what they could make in the private sector. my wife used to be a private sector employee who now works for a quasi-public employer now.

sending more girls and boys off to the slaughter in Iraq. not enough can be said about this at all. staying the course, no matter the cost.