the meditative muse

it is not that i have not been taking time lately to write; i have recently had a cold, have been under tremendous pressure at work and simply caught up in the stress and frivolity of the holidays. add to that there has been much craziness in the relationship between me, my wife and her family. "should we let her die with dignity, or can we prolong this?" there are probably some valid reasons for prolonging. one being that she lived through another Christmas. another being that everybody will be able to come for the funeral now. last but not least, they will be able to say that they tried and gave it all they had. worn out is the expression. she looks tired and forlorn when i see her.

Mommy!

another happy reunion. this young lady saw her mother for the first time in at least three months. mom had been hoping that grandmother would take her child so she could carry on in the manner that resulted in the removal from her care. grandmother's homestudy was not approved and this lead to a flurry of phone calls urgently asking for help. now we have to simply wait her out. will she do the right thing now?

Daily Bread

Some days it is just hard to get moving. Today was one of those days. I feeled zapped of emotional and physical energy, which I know I will need to get through this day. I thought about playing hooky today and calling in to tell my supervisor I need a e-day. E= for Emotional Health day. Sometimes we are not physically ill, yet still need to take care of ourselves. That is today, except I have too much to do. I know there is a price for failing to hear what my body is telling me. I preach this to my wife regularly. She doesn't listen to me either. So the bread is a symbol for life. It is only part of what we need in order to have the kind of lives that we each envision for ourselves. Bread, water, wine, art, family, friends, love, patience, kindness, security, passion. That is my partial list. What's in your e-wallet today?

Christmas Mood

it has been extremely difficult to get into the mood. maybe it is all the death and desolation around me. i am trying really hard to be patient, loving and kind to clients, friends, family and co-workers this holiday season. it seems that i just get the usual in response. i guess it really is asking people too much to be different for 2 weeks than they are for the other 50 weeks each year. Christmas is a way of life. appreciating the great gift is a commercial phenomemon for the last 10 weeks of the year. some people are charitable, kind, loving and forgiving all the time (or most of the time). i am stepping away from the holiday commercialism. the presents i want are intangibles and abstracts - time, love, kindness, patience. the family is on notice that i do not need socks and underwear (no matter how "CUTE"), ties, paperweights, flutes, handkerchiefs, or any of those other bulk items. truly, i can't think of anything that i really need that can be purchased in a store. i am not feeling Scrooge-ish; i just don't want to add to the emotional and physical landfills of waste. i am going to be watching others.

Best of the Best

 
It is the end of the year. Time for sentimentalists to start thinking about resolutions, what was/is the best of this and that. Categories, please!

Movie of the Year
Actress/Actor of the Year
Best This and Best That
Funniest
Sexiest
Smartest/Dumbest
Most Popular
I am sure that many other categories could be added here.

I am thinking this year, I will strive to be a better Human than I was last year. Kinder, gentler, more patient, more forgiving, more understanding and compassionate. I will be ahead of the curve when it comes time to look back on my year. Each day will provide me with new opportunities to be more positive _____________(You fill in the blank). And each day that I succeed will be good and each day that I fail will be another opportunity for me to try again the next moment. Thanks for looking! 

Innocence

 

Lead Sunday School teacher's daughter in the Christmas Pageant yesterday. She is a little doll. 

 
the world is subdivided and divided again between many kinds of people. some see the nuances and shades of gray; others only see the tones of black and white; some of us straddle the fence on the divisions based on what we can get from the situation. i do not think that any of us fall completely into one camp or the other. but i could be wrong. i am struggling with a mother in law who takes up a disproportionate amount of time for our famiy. my own mother is deep into her own dementia as well. that leaves precious little time for other things. some conventions merely go by the wayside, perhaps never to be recovered again. traditions lost are traditions forgotten. one of those traditions in our house has been the communal taking of meals together. this one is quickly vanishing in the tensions and stresses of aging parents. the keyboard is a metaphor - black and white, but the hidden beauty of the music that can be created when the black and white (or gray) keys are played in unison. 

Chronicles

 

there were a number of events that merged in my little galaxy yesterday to create a significant disturbance in the force. the first was the conversation i had with one additional mentally disturbed client. she ranted and raved about my co-worker who had her case alone. we are now tag teaming this one in an unusual manner. client is from Liberia, in the US now some time via Cote d'Ivore. She has some serious mental health issues. She will not of course accept the diagnosis of the mental health professionals she is working with. it is simply a misperception and cultural ignorance on our part. she needed to be loud and aggressive in Liberia and she was abused and mistreated by the folks in Ivory Coast. i do not doubt this. nor though do i doubt her bi-polar diagnosis. it fits with the trauma she has experienced during her life. she no longer has a clear grasp of reality. could be due to many factors, including the traumas she has suffered during her refugee status. still that does not give her license to abuse/neglect her child. the line has to drawn in our sandbox somewhere. she missed her 2:00 appointment with me because she and her boyfriend could not get their car started on the warmest day we have had in almost two weeks.

the second of these force-bending events was the $1000 a plate luncheon held here at the Marriott as a fundraiser for a candidate here in the Twin Cities. As a bonus one could have a photo with the president for another simple $50,000. I am impressed that the president of the United States of America would agree to have his photograph made with your average citizen for this sum of money. I am betting that there were not many regular folks working union jobs who were at that Rubber Chicken luncheon, or available for the photo shoot that followed. I find it interesting that some people will gladly pay good money for Rubber Chicken (is this a metaphor for political favor or chronyism?) but refuse to pay a worker a decent living wage or would be willing to dig into executive salaries so that workers can afford health care or child care.

so that brings me to the Chronicles. we took the kids, and the neighbors to see The Chronicles of Narnia; The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. there was this remarkable scene in the movie when the Witch (who called herself the Queen of Narnia) went into battle after slaying an opponent unjustly. she had deluded herself into thinking that she was right, because she was 1) smarter than everyone else 2) better than everyone else 3) simply convinced that it was to be. i do not know the actual motivation. i am still speculating, but it got me thinking about our own unending war and drive to make everyone every where a Democrat (or maybe they want them all to be Republicans). what if the Iraquis become more Replubican than we are? what then? if this is the quintessence of leadership; will we have to then follow their lead? 

Karma

 
 
Just when you think you have the world in the palm of your hand and all figured out, you get tossed on your can. Remember the client who cursed and abused me for not giving in to her? Well I do! She called to apologize for her language and behavior last week. Needless to say, I was dumbstruck and almost forgot to accept her apology. That acceptance is a tough thing to do anyway, because I would have to look at her again with pure eyes. Not someone she had victimized or traumatized. A whole person who simply made a mistake. Imagine that. People make mistakes. Good thing they do or I would not have a job. Now that is a conundrum. Trafficking in other people's misery or misfortune, depending on whose perspective you might choose.

Faded Memory

Those last few days of our fall were glorious. I captured this young lady relaxing on a park picnic table during one of my last few supervised visits outdoors. That visit has now been suspended indefinitely by the judge. She did not seem to care that this is what the little girl needed and wanted to do. I often do not understand how our court system functions. The mission is to concentrate and focus on what is in the child's best interests. Of course, the child's best interests almost always includes something to do with parent's rights to the children. This day has proven to be a total schlub. His denial is palpable. He understands nothing of the trauma he is responsible for in his daughter's life. All he knows is that we "took" his child away from his ex-GF when she slapped her in the face and left a mark. He denies that he had abandoned her at this GF's home while he was flittering about like a bunny rabbit who just found out he has testicular cancer and would father no more little bunnies. I kid you not, this man had been arrested earlier this year when he went to ex-GF's home to pick up his possessions (but not his daughter). She came home from work, where she found him and new GF in her bed. He had been drinking. Such is the nature of this beast. At least I have work and plenty of stories to regale my grandchildren with when I am not able to carry on with this insanity any longer. Tell me a horror story related to your work. 

Sick Day

i really did not want to work today. since i was honest with myself about this, i was pleasantly surprised when my ex called to say our son was not feeling well. i volunteered to take care of him for the day. he has a virus. we found this out as MCJ took him to see the pediatrician before I arrived at her house to pick him up. he is doing OK, watching SpongeBob. we also stopped by his classroom to pick up his homework. he finished a good portion of it before we made it to Burger King. it has been a restful and quiet day otherwise. hope your day was as pleasant as mine.  

Flat Stanley

Flat Stanley is a name perhaps familiar to many of the parents who might be reading this. FS is a character that travels around the world. He has been many more places than I can dream about. He is on his way as we speak to Dallas to visit my son's grandmother. I thought about sending him to San Diego to stay with my sister-in-law for a spell. Just ran out of time. FS went with me to work one day as well. He met some of my co-workers, a security guard and almost met one of the judges that I work with. She was busy that afternoon. I know she would have been more than happy to have her photograph taken with Stanley. That leads me to the long-winded point. Stanley needs help to get from here to there. Most often it is the parents of Stanley who provide for him. In this photograph he is playing PS2 with my son. He won at that particular football game. I think LK is already beginning to comprehend the complex and delicate nature of interpersonal relationships. Too many of my clients only think of what they need; what they can get and certainly; what they deserve. This week, I heard too many lame excuses about who could not pay their rent and why. Who just needed a bit of a break and what I should do in order to facilitate that break for them. One of them looked at me with her fake sculptured nails while she told me that she needed help getting money for the damage deposit and first month's rent. I thought long and hard about this. She screamed when I suggested she might look in other places first. Her family; the strong JW community she touts as being better than mere Protestant faiths. I wanted to help her, but I think she has been back to the fish shop too many times. I think it is time we helped her learn how to fish on her own. Maybe then she will be better prepared for the next crisis that comes her way and less likely to resort to drug abuse. Of course, I could be wrong. Just maybe.  

frustration

I have this family I have been working with for close to a year. We have asked them to take care of the family's children. They have agreed, but manage to sabotage our efforts along the way. We have used interpreters so as to be clear what the expectations are. They have indicated agreement and understanding. This has been a frustrating process for all, no doubt. Yesterday, I found out the resource had not been truthful with me, with the other agencies involved or with the other social workers involved in the case. Today I have to close this case, with the knowledge that there is a very good chance that this will come back very soon.

modern life

Today was one of those rushing here and there kind of days. It ended with us rushing to LifetimeFitness so that the kids could do some rock climbing practice. LK had to have some special attention today because he wanted an image of Flat Stanley rock climbing as well. Val came along just as were were finishing the first wall. She had brought FS and was now the hero. We walked both kids climb and exercise their bodies and their minds. Now I have loaded the dishwasher and scrubbed some pots and I need a good night's sleep since the dog kept me awake most of last night. Pray for better tonight.

Does she know?

This is an example of the by-product of my work. This darling beautiful child came to our office from her foster home for a visit with her mother. Unfortunately, her mother, never arrived. I took the photographs anyway. Perhaps her mother will come next week, not being aware that the TPR is completed and merely awaits the judge's signature and the paper work to be filed. We get comfort from spending time with the innocent. These children have done nothing wrong, yet lose their families and parents anyway. Maybe this will help me stay focused enough to remember how very important my position is. I hope anyone who reads this will remember how important children are in our lives; in our society; for our collective and individual futures. Her social worker told me that she never smiles. Do you think she might already understand some of the signs written on the path in front of her? I hope not. Each child should have the anticipation of unstoppable growth and unlimited value. Thanks! 

November rain

I am having a bit of trouble preparing myself to go back to my office this morning. It is the Monday after Thanksgiving. I have been away since Tuesday and I know I have 40 voice messages and a plethora of e-mail that will need my immediate attention. I left a couple of tasks unfinished on Tuesday as well. Guess I will just have to bite the bullet and go. After all I am quite accustomed to being swamped at this job. The needs of the families that I work with are endless. Bus cards, UAs, visitation money, encouragement, reproach (guess that is actually my need, not theirs) and you name it. But most important is to contact the SWr at the RTC to find out if the family is visiting with this kid so that we can decide when, how, we close our CP case. Gotta run...more later.

Day One

Each journey, I am told, begins with a single step. Here is my initial step into this blog. I hope to visit often as I really need to spend more time writing my thoughts and sharing ideas with others. If nothing else, I will have the opportunity to hear that I am way off base, or not thinking it all through clearly. So, here I am. 48 years young, two children, one dog, one guinea pig (that was almost given away for lack of care), I am trying hard to maintain this marriage. My wife is a good soul, but she and I are so very different. She has little patience for my ideas and certainly does not have much concern for how life may have battered and beaten me during the many years I lived before we met. We are from different solar systems and speak in different languages. I come close at times to understanding hers. But her language is fluid and has many subtle nuances. A lie is what children tell; she is often only kidding. Well, I am a true space cadet. I like thinking, sitting quietly, practicing mindfulness, and creating photos. I am an oddball social worker. I love animals and flowers and green grass and sunny skies. Rain does not bother or annoy me. I have fond memories of walking barefoot in the rain. I am a tough act to follow.

Luke

You won't have to wonder long who this madman is. Self-portrait made just this very afternoon. Not my worst and hopefully not my best as I get accustomed to the new lights that will go into my Someday Studio. 

Pretty Things

I like pretty things!