Whiplash

Ring, ring, the telephone rings...Dad, a sadness in the voice on the other end.  I just need to talk for a couple of minutes.  Are you coming into the store this morning?  Yes, I will be there momentarily.  Put my aching heart back into the protective case and open the corner zipper so that I can feel something.  I am scared; I am angry; I am frustrated; how can I help?  Just listen and help me think of a plan to deal with this.  One of my friends suggested we put the rules into writing.  What a great idea, I say!

Back home from the dog park and the phone rings.  Your child is having a crisis and I need your help right away.  Be right over.  Please get up and out of bed so that you can get to school on time.  I am not going this child says.  School doesn't matter and I am not learning anything there anyway.  Please tell us what is bothering you.  Silence...more silence and then an angry gush of emotion and hurt coming cascading from this child's mouth.  We were not successful in getting him to school on time.

I rush to DT office to drop off  PROJECTOR for work.  I get there and realize I left it in the storage closet in the training room.  No one has specifically asked for this projector though and since I am feeling barraged and overwhelmed with just the morning's events, I simply turn and go home.

Ring, ring, ring...what's wrong with your child?  This child scared the dog and is screaming something about how he "...hate the bitch"!  I will be back shortly and this child's mother is en route to deliver this child to school.

Peace while I write.  I pen a quick text to one and try to avoid looking at the possibility of a response.  I should not anticipate any response any how.

Breathe...breathe...breathe!

KaSi

Every time you unlock the kevlar vest around your heart you risk having someone look for the opening.  I knew all along it was a possibility, but I had not anticipated that it would be like this.  Instant connection and promises of something.  Just as quickly as it started, it came racing to an unanticipated and abrupt end, marred by an incredibly confusing text message.  Stunned I have asked why and have heard that "...it's not me..." and that an actual phone call would be forthcoming...but that was two weeks ago.  I have to let go and move along, as there is nothing to see here.  No wreckage or damage that others need to gawk at.  No visible scars; no tears, no harm and no foul.

Letting go when I don't know why makes it awful.  But in order for me to do better I have to simply assume the worst and forgive.  I can use this feeling to be so careful in the future while I try to be genuine and open while still zipping up that kevlar vest again.

Sometime

Sometimes your heart wants what your head tells you not

Others the spirit questions and whispers to you no!

Time and again, we get out of synchronization

Pulled this way and pushed that way by familiar sensations

Comfort, temptation, nurture, sleep, privations

All nudge and push and pull us so

Whispering promises not ready to keep

Listen with your ears...see with your eyes

Feel with your heart

Let go

Training Day

I know that it is work, because when I finish the presentation I am drained.  It is not a simple stand in front of people and give them statistics and helpful hints.  It is an informed dialogue to help prepare them for the realities of relative foster care and more often than not permanent relative care.

But I love to see the degrees of acceptance and recognition when they are acknowledged as a crucial and very important part of a team process.  Many are doing this love-work because they can't bear to see children displaced and separated from families.  For many African-Americans and Native-Americans this has historical roots in slavery or boarding school placements.

Hooray to the new group of foster parents working with us to secure a better future for the children.

Be Impeccable with Your Word

http://www.toltecspirit.com/four-agreements/impeccable-word/

The first and most profound of don Miguel’s Four Agreements is Be Impeccable with Your Word. While this seems fairly straight forward it takes on many subtle and profound aspects as you begin to practice. Very simply to be impeccable with your Word is to use your Word in the direction of love and truth. It’s not as simple as it sounds.

Sounds easy, but living this is a challenge.  

Change

As summer splashes into autumn
And the leaves dry and krinkly are crushed under boots 
As the days shorten and cool
While nights envelope us in her favorite tool
I think of you and laughter and dancing eyes
Lilted voices and casual strolls through those krinkled leaves
Minutes melting into hours
Phone calls crossing nebulae
Light bending while sound warps into joy
Hearts laughing and open filling with glee
Fear at bay for now

Hope

There is a certain irony in how quickly life can change.  One day everything is OK and it is full steam ahead.  The next is a day of uncertainty and sudden change of heart.  We have all experienced it.  It leaves devastation in the wake of sadness, remorse, hope, despair.

notes

I deactivated my Facebook page recently.  I did not delete it.  I simply needed a break from hostility and conflict. I chose to take care of myself because being around negative people is not healthy for me.  I don't usually fend it off well.  But in my haste to escape I forgot that I have posted some of my best creative writing in the notes section.  I am going to copy them over the next few days and leave them here.

Change  July 6

Yesterday is something we have to define for ourselves.

My list looks like this:

consumerism

unabashed use of fossil fuels

resistance to change

hurt and anger that does not motivate me to be better

old ideas that have not survived the tests of time

callousness

statism...

political partisanship...

I can envision a better tomorrow:

cooperation

forgiveness

patience

justice...

Some of the changes take time and thoughtfulness, but maybe cooperation can invigorate the process. It is a journey not an event. 

Quiet Sunday

The boy is sniffly and sneezy.  He is passed out on the couch because he doesn't want to miss any of the football games that he is pretending to watch.  It's OK with me though, because it has given me time to make a tasty shepherd's pie and to finish off a couple loads of laundry, too.  I have already logged about 5 miles walking both dogs twice today.  Probably have to go out one more time.
J has not decided about the next step at this time.  Surprise, surprise.

People Can Be Funny!

It's Saturday morning and I am sitting here at the computer writing my thoughts before they are buried under the to-do list of things I hope to accomplish today.

While walking the dogs this morning I thought about the little things that don't seem to fit into the budget anymore - Fast food; soda; movies; cable TV.  I guess that there are budgets similar to mine. Shrunken over time with only less-than-adequate raises while we watch the prices of so many things rise.  I am not sorry that there is no cable; I don't miss having a liter of Coke or Ginger Ale sitting on top of the refrigerator.  I have found many other things to do instead of sit and watch cable TV.  I was never a "Reality TV" watcher.  I don't know about any of the many "Housewives..." and I am already a "Survivor" of every day here.  With all the prying and spying our government is doing "Big Brother" is much too relevant for me to be distracted by "The Voice" and "Dancing with the Stars".

I think the capitalist machine is working exactly like people want to see it work.  We can create a new generation of serfs and fiefdoms for the overlords to "protect" from the socialists and heathens.  I think the problem is that this time the infidels are being armed as well as the crusaders.

The spin machine tells the general population just enough to keep them afraid and under control and to create enough despair of "others" who are trying to steal what little you have so righteously earned.

Keep watching what the neighbor is doing.  Make sure you are aware of how he obtained something because of affirmative action or welfare.  Be sure to note the abuses of the social insurance programs created for the masses.  But do not watch what the man behind the curtain is doing to unravel a great society.  Ignore information from people who don't look like you who talk about abuses within the institutions created - work, religion, housing, entertainment and sports.  Scream about socialized health care and applaud the mandatory automobile insurance coverage.  When your employer lays off your hard working co-workers you are reminded of how bloated the civil service process is - while you wait in a long line to get your marriage license or unemployment check.

No Guts, No Glory

People forget that they sometimes have to advocate for themselves.  In the past two days I have shared so much with people close to me.  But being an advocate means that I had to know what it was that I want.  And after making that decision I had to take a chance and speak up for myself.  So hard, because it would have been easier to just be a dumped person or a loser.

No Joy Today

It has been very hard lately to connect with people in my family.

My son is in his own little iPhone music-secluded world.

My daughter is trying to live on her own, but always seems to be in need of something.

My wife...that's a story.  But it is for another day.

I am struggling right now to do what I know are the right things. I am tired of caring and wanting to be there for others.  I am sad because I just feel like an open wallet or the doorman at my house.  Cook, dishwasher, laundry boss, janitor would all fit into this nicely as well.  I can't seem to find much energy for people outside either, because the world is a fractured and divided place.  Republicans and Democrats spend their time convincing the base of the party that the other is destroying our country.  Blacks

don't like Whites.  No one likes the Mexicans.  We have completely forgotten about the Native Americans.  As long as the Asians stay quiet, do well in school and build better things for us, we are OK with them.

I really just want to leave this all behind me and stay in an off-the-grid solar, wind, and energy efficient home where I can stare out at majestic scenery all day, cook myself organic and healthy meals and walk through that scenery to remind myself that it does not have to be the way I feel inside.  I know that there is beauty and with beauty comes ugliness.  I know there is kindness and the converse of that is meanness. I know many generous and giving people who more than make up for the greed and stinginess I see daily.  I have to spend more time with these creators of harmony, peace and joy.

Lines + Shadows + Spaces

I have been staring at this white space for many hours this day, trying to take images from my head and translate them into cogent thoughts that can be expressed in language.  I think that sometimes the images are so raw, so poignant, that the images and symbols defy simple translation.  Much like an unfamiliar language the images convey no meaning.  Even if I were able to identify specific characters in the symbology, connecting them to a translator process might not give me the meaning of those complex communications.

I think that we often agree on symbolic representations as an approximation for common understanding.  When we experience stress (distress more than eustress) the essence of that common understanding unravels.  The internal experience of the individual is not satisfied with the more simple agreed upon comprehension.  This is my struggle today.  How do I communicate my sense of hopelessness and despair to those around me?  How do I share my sense of disconnectedness from everyone and everything?  Language does not suffice.

Escape

Sometimes you look back at your life and wonder just how you survived.
The pain

The loneliness
The frustrations
The sadness and the anger

How you survived is by keeping perspective on all things.
The pain was there as notice that whatever brought the pain was not meant to be
The loneliness was an indicator that these were not friends
The sadness is an expression of your disappointment
The anger your reaction to something that you know is not right.

Be grateful!

It is often the little things in life that bring us the most joy.

A smile, a kindness...remember and seek those people and places.

Stirred and Ground

I took the dog out for a walk this morning.  We bumped into at least one person I have worked with in the past life.  She asked about me and I shared briefly my escape back into genuineness.  I sat on the porch this morning and watched the neighbors and birds, and squirrels come to life.  While I sat I listened to Pandora - Melody Gardot station.  Artists that appeared:
Etta James
Melody Gardot
Renee Olstead (new to me)
Esperanza Spalding

Some bossa nova, some French-language songs.

As summer splashes into autumn

And the leaves dry and krinkly are crushed under boots 

As the days shorten and cool

While nights envelope us in her favorite tool

I think of you and laughter and dancing eyes

Lilted voices and casual strolls through krinkled leaves

Minutes melting into hours

Phone calls crossing nebulae

Light bending while sound warps into joy 

Hearts laughing and open filling with glee

Fear at bay for now  

Forget Me Not...

Things to think about:

We have promised that we will never forget 9/11/2001.  We have grave associations with what happened and what could have happened to us as a nation on that day.  Apparently it is significant because our period of inviability ended.

We as a nation caution people of color to not focus on 1) The Trail of Tears 2) Slavery 3) illegal encampment of Japanese ancestry citizens.  There are more, but I think you will get the point.

Daily I read, hear or somehow get information about what a great race neutral country we livc in, but for the few malcontents who attempt to inject race and the horrible effects of systemic and institutionalized racism into the national discussions.

Some of us (people of color) are tired of being an asterisk in the discussion about success, race, wealth and poverty.  Some of us are frustrated that even as we change the dialogues and conversations about race, achievement, success, equality and freedom that it is inverted and the focus becomes on what has not been done.

Some people of color are tired of every discussion devolving into a black versus white issue, simply ignoring that Asians, Hispanic (of all "races"), and Native/Indigenous people are not part of the dialogue and are of no consequence to the outcome.

Some people see the interconnectedness of ageism, sexism, ableism, genderism as signs of an important unified struggle for freedom - not for one group, but for all people.

Symbolina

Sometimes in your life you will think you are done with something.  But you should remember that evil does exist in the world and when we rest for a moment, when we simply choose to move on, that evil conspires to make us miserable.  Just such a moment recently occurred in my life.  Just when I thought we had successfully negotiated the death of my parents, my sister deep charges another missive.  I have to assume that she hoped to catch some of us off balance with her wacky and inappropriate request. The gist is she is claiming that she has paid the mortgage and expenses and wants to sell the house now.  No discussion amongst the siblings; just her decision.  Since she is in charge she is giving us only few days to claim what we want from the house by 9/27; just a bit more than a week.  I don't trust her and I think she has ulterior motives.  That is all.

Ying Yang

I am out walking Dasher this morning.  The air is crisp.  The light is dim.  There are few people in the streets.  I am thinking about recent events and changes in my life.  Then it hits me.  Once again, just as I think that it is done, that I am ready to move on, I realize that I can't skip this piece.  It is something that simply has to be done.  I can wince and wail.  I can pretend and I can feign completion, but that will not make it so.

In order for me to be done with this last relationship, I have to take the risk of being in the next one.  I have to be vulnerable to being loved and hurt again.  I am not sure that it means I have to love someone, simply that I have to be willing to experience the pain I have hidden myself from.  The ying and the yang of life.

Dungy Report?

I am wondering if all the media attention on Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson is a distraction in the NFL.   What do you think?  I know that a coach I had much respect for ventured out on a figurative limb when he commented on Michael Sams involvement with the NFL.

Every Day!

It is a cold, bright winter morning. I have walked the dog, strolled around the neighborhood and looked at dried and crumpled leaves in the beautiful sunlight. Some days that is the best you might ask for. Yesterday I had the opportunity to just hang out with my 19 year old. We talked while I drove to pick up photos for an event at the high school for the basketball team. She shared a bit of her soul and her fears. We talked about that, and I had my say, whether she takes my advice or not. What is important is that I was there for her. We just never know the impact we have on another's life. Still do what you know is right, and they will see your example as a guide.