Melissa on Stairs

Melissa on Stairs b and w, originally uploaded by Lukasia.

My wife "hired" me to take the 60th year photos for one of her co-workers. I asked for the details and she filled me in. No sooner than we get there she becomes the Art Director and boss. I think this is common for her - to be in charge and to assume that she knows it all. That makes it hard for me to "work" for her. Not likely to happen again. She was not there to assist me, but to give her unsolicited advice. Here is one of my rebel images. Not too bad, if I must say so myself.

Tonight as I try to finish the post processing, she is bugging me with details of her life. Complaints, needing to share, etc. You probably get the message. Of course, she has not followed up and looked at the video on the desktop; she has not done any of the things she thinks should be done. But she certainly is ready to let me know what she does not like; and why she does not like what she does not like. Maybe this is what being a middle-manager is all about. Frustration reigns.

Happy Home

Porn video found on my daughter's desktop. She is 13 years young. It was fairly graphic. I immediately put a password on her user account. I know it is only a stopgap method and I have more snooping and work to do, but she will be surprised when she can't login to her myspace account this afternoon. Maybe she will get some homework done. I am weary now and I have years to go before I sleep soundly again.

Family

Visiting with family for the holiday. The two little girls are from a wedding I attended this summer. The soldier boy is an old old photo of my father. Those of you who personally know me will see an uncanny resemblance between me and the young man in this photo. Incredible resemblance. Sometimes you can't escape from family no matter how hard you want to...this is just reminder that even though that crazy lady in that other place is doing unquestionable things to me. That the old fat fart is still my sister. We are biologically linked. We have history that outweighs all the crap that has transpired over the last few years. But I can't just ignore what the dickens has allowed to transpire within her own family. I can't forget that she facilitated jailing my sister; that she was so ignorantly disrespectful to my father; that she has treated my mother like a total stranger. So I am stuck. Can she come home again? How much time for penance would be adequate? Should we forgive? Certainly not forget what happened! She is our own version of Hitler or Mussolini. She is our own family fascist. That in itself says it all. We can't forgive the fascists because they will do it again. There is only herself. Not a mother or father or family member. Just a self righteous pompous pitiful pflug. No resemblance...no coming home again.

Pessimism

Some people always focus on what they do not have. They could have a pot of gold in the cupboards of their house. These pessimists would see that they did not have a new car...new boat...new house. Kills the joy of interacting with people when they act this way. We have it good here. We have jobs and taxes. We have clean water and relatively clean air. We have the ability to recreate in places all over the globe. Sometimes it isn't enough. I am weary of negative people. I am frustrated by all the naysayers. Enough already.

Tough Day Today

Kids are all right...my wife is all right...dogs and pets are all right. Should feel good, but it doesn't. There were too many issues at work. People wanting something and not doing it. People asking without listening. People talking without hearing what others have to say. People waiting for others to do the work so that they are able to take the credit. Sometimes it just does not feel fair. Know what I mean?

Bills

Since we started paying the lawyer for legal advice I have been perpetually broke. Always just one step behind some creditor. I hate this. No money to eat out; no money for this thing or that. I know that this is temporary. Eventually I will see the light of day again. I will not hate my sister for dragging our family into this abyss of dysfunction. I will have a regular relationship again with my siblings and money will be the least of my concerns. That time is actually already here. After the family of origin stress there is my own family of creation stress.

Of course, all this happened at the same time that I am paying for braces for my daughter. She also wants to see a therapist now because she has teenage angst and identity problems. I know who she is. She is the slob who lives in our basement and cranks up the music loud enough to disturb the neighbors. She is the ungrateful soul who mocks the house work here that keeps her warm and cozy. She is the petulant little wretch who throws her clean clothes on the floor after they have been washed, dryed, folded and placed in her room (no one allowed in her dresser or the closet). She is the little monster who is transforming back into a human being. I pray that I was not this horrible as a teen. I doubt that I could have been because I think I would have been dead thirty plus years now. My father would have killed me.

I guess you just have to keep on the path. One foot in front of the other.

Blah

no recent photos to upload onto the computer so we have to go to the archives to find something...as many of you know this is one of my favorites. simple elegant abstract. three qualities I value in photography. so why the hell am I aspiring to shoot fashion/glamor? could it just be a parade of beautiful Kate Moss-like models? Maybe the bright lights and promises of popularity? Maybe it is just being around the beautiful people for awhile? I don't have a ready answer. I can say this for sure - it is more work dealing with people and the myriad of possibilities and personalities. Landscapes change but usually over time (think San Diego and Pompei). Working with people is like being on an emotional roller coaster.

Flickr Walk

today i ventured far out of my shell. i met up with other photographers, walked around the LRT stops and shot photos and talked with them. for those who do not know me well, consider this just short of a miracle. the camera part is normal. i could easily have done this alone, but the challenge was to actually interact and talk with others. sort of a real "cameradie". so we laughed and talked about safe things, camera makes, camera bodies, film, etc. somehow we still managed to get to know each other. where we work, relationship status, likes, jobs, hangouts, other interests. this was a film walk so there are no photos to post yet. come back to see what i harvested.

We Die A Little Every Day

Being married lately is a little bit like getting my heart broken almost every day. A stab here, a kick there. Tonight my wife asked me if I am having an affair (out of the clear blue sky). When I was over the shock of the question, I answered NO, emphatically, and started to ask her what prompted this question. No sooner than the question is out of her mouth she asks me about Christmas in San Diego. Non sequitur anonymous.

Jade

Jade, originally uploaded by Lukasia.

another beautiful image from last weekend. i thought about adding this after watching two very sad episodes on TV. Grey's Anatomy and ER. Life is full of surprises and pain. It all depends how we look at the pain that we experience.

I'm a Butt

according to my wife. I am always a butt when I will not give her what she wants. Of course, I do not really believe that this makes me a butt; only that this is what she thinks. So I will just have to listen to the verbal assaults and maintain my inner integrity. It is not easy though.

Onyx

Onyx, originally uploaded by Lukasia.

I really needed some joy in my day. Yesterday a couple co-workers and I got together to start her jewelry catalog. She brought crackers and cheese, a bottle of vino and some sausage. One applied makeup while I shot with the models. One pulled out jewelry so that we had a nice assembly line going.

Today my wife went to pick up our son from the sleepover that resulted from the failed birthday party. See we all tooled off to the skating rink and waited for Mom and the birthday boy. She called to say she was having car problems. She called back an hour later to say it just wasn't going to happen. The two boys I was supervising had presents and money to spend. We arranged to get the boys off to the house of the birthday boy. My son decided to sleepover. Fast forward to the beginning of this paragraph. When my wife arrived, there was no adult in the house. The birthday boy just turned 10. He did not know where his mother was. My wife called me and I in turn had to call the screening unit. My guess is that even though the aunt showed up later, the police will still have taken the three children off to shelter for the night. This really shook up my wife.

Today was the Circus of the Heart. I shot portraits for families this afternoon. We printed them out as fast as we could. I think it was somewhere near 125 or so. Everyone was thankful. Surprise to me that they gave me the 2007 Volunteer of the Year Award. It had a plaque and some chocolate. Good deal.

So This is It!

My nieces came to visit tonight. Their mom was working. Dad was out pheasant hunting. We had spaghetti and one less child for dinner than anticipated. He was upset because his pet rat died. I told him when I picked him up from the after school program. He cried. I shriveled up and died a bit inside. It is painful to watch your progeny in tears.

Yeah, I Am Talking to You!

Blah Blah Blah. You did this. Why didn't you do this? I am perfect, you are not! You screwed up my life. I don't like the way you did this thing. I am going to make a report. Why can't you be more like me?

Sound familiar? Does to me. This is what I hear all day long. People trying to put or to keep me inside the little box they have created for me. I resist, even if resistance is futile. I will continue to define myself. I will continue to allow others to define themselves. We need room to grow. Even plants get a new pot once in awhile. People paint the rooms in their homes; they upgrade or change furniture and get new cars. Why do we insist on trying to make others be the same as always while stressing our need to change? Imagine the freedom this could give us.

Yellow Leaves

Yellow Leaves, originally uploaded by Lukasia.

I have been away for a few days. It is not of laziness, but time has been short. Taking a wedding photo class in Minneapolis. It is not quite what I had anticipated so far, but there are a few weeks left. Mostly talking about shooting weddings - contracts, prep work, getting clients. I was hoping for more of the hands on posing work and creative input.

OMG!

OMG!, originally uploaded by Lukasia.

Today was one of those days. The issues I left on my desk at work were waiting impatiently for me when I arrived. Here is a summary.

The 17 year old who was assaulted by her BF had been held captive for 2 days. The BF lives next door to mom. Mom had not been concerned about her daughter because she comes and goes all the time. See this mom provides little supervision for her sexually active teen daughter. So here is the summary from the police incident report. She was choked, until unconscious, beaten about the face enough to give her two "black eyes" and a head laceration, and a broken nose. The broken nose can't be reset until the swelling goes down. The CAT scan turned up negative for any serious cranial injuries.

I was appalled that mom did not know where her daughter was for two days. I guess I have to stop judging families by my middle class expectations. I guess if one of my kids were MIA for two days, I would have already called the FBI. Maybe I watch too much TV.

This mom is supposed to be in individual therapy. She is supposed to attend a victims group at our local domestic abuse counseling center. She is supposed to see her other daughter once a week minimum - has not seen her in two months now. She is supposed to cooperate with the in-home therapist. No go.

Issue no. 2 - Mother who has already transferred custody of her young son is fighting to get custody of her older child. She is 9 1/2 months pregnant. She won't attend therapy. She won't cooperate with her son's therapist and she will not get her regular UAs. Her son in OOHP now almost a year - 6 months past the federal guidelines. Can't convince her to honorably do the right thing. Trial next month. It will be horrible. We will have to add the newborn to the current petition.

No. 3 - Mother with ten kids. All have developmental and emotional problems. Bedwetting, encopresis, sexual acting out, illiteracy, violence and more. Mom is convinced that her children picked up on this in foster care. One child had such severe seizures that he had to have a partial hemispherectomy. Her eldest on run after assaulting another relative regarding kicking his mother out of the house.

There is more, but I have to save some for the November Blog Month posting.

Ode to Joy

i raced from home to the airport this morning. see today was one of those rare wonderful days in my work life. a happy ending to a story that started with tragedy. paternal grandmother (PGM) was coming to court to assume responsibilty for her grandson. his mother deceased a few years back in an automobile accident; his father unable to take the pressure and resistant to therapy just could not meet the emotional needs of this one high strung child - he beat him frequently.

he did it because he wanted his son to grow up to be a strong and independent black man. he strived to beat him into submission in order to save his life. i worked with him and tried to engage him in therapy - to no avail. he continued smoking pot (he is a DJ) and resisted any attempts to get him to modify his lifestyle. no go.

enter PGM. she is a saint, taking in this child who has been abused and who has used the system to his advantage. dad never did look at the situation from a healthy perspective. he only wanted to have his son back; he gave little thought to what it might mean to have his son back fully empowered. the beatings resumed when the child was returned home.

out of home again. this time PGM to the rescue. she made no excuses for the behavior of her own child and said she would do whatever is necessary for this little one to have the kind of home she knows that he deserves. end of this story, but it is an unusually happy ending. give someone a hug today for me. the world is an OK place.