Passive Aggressive People

i feel like i am surrounded by them...constantly being bushwacked because i am an easy target. seventeen year old i have not met blames me (not her mother) that she is now in shelter. mom who was TPR'd last month calls just so she can blast me. court scheduled for later this month. i want to tell myself that my PA sister had nothing to do with notification coming just one day short of the 2 week airfare discount window. deep in my heart though i am certain that she and her cronies are hoping that i can't be available to assist again in the process. i walk in the door from my last week of studio lighting only to be blindsided by my wife. she is angry (but can't say that she is) and wants to start a fight. i want to avoid one at all costs because i am already emotionally drained. time to slink off to bed now. wish me luck. or not!

Help is on the Way!

"...he may not come when you want him, but he will be right there on time... " Whitney Houston

today is one of those days. I should be happy. I can get rid of a couple of cases. One child going to Arkansas to live with maternal grandmother. Another child successfully TPR'd. That is certainly an oxymoron. Happy but bittersweet day. Another broken and disrupted family. I know that this family was broken before I met them. We could not put this Humpty-Dumpty together again. I get to close a file. I get to stop working with this very difficult mentally ill mother. I get to fantasize that I did the right thing. I can tell myself all of this. It still does not take away the sadness and pain of a mother's heartache. It does not compensate for the vitriol and bad karma that will come my way. No good deed goes unpunished....

Fini

So much to do and so very little time in which to finish it all. The drive back from ATL was horrific...I left MSP late which meant for a later than anticipated arrival in Atlanta. Short and hot phone conversation with my paranoid sister. She thinks conspirators are all around her. Actually is just a symptom of the brain fart she must be having. Guilty conscience. Sold out by sister. She has forgotten about the sacrifices our parents made. She wants to become something that she can never be. She remains delusional. She swears she heard someone tapping my cell phone conversation. No reasonable amount of assurance was helpful. I eventually had to tell her good bye and hang up the phone. Of course, her paranoia prevailed again. I was able to talk with my mother on Friday when waiting for something....as most of Friday is simply a blur of driving and rain and snow and road weary eyes...white lined fevverish driving. All just so we could hit the big snow storm just as we left Indiana. Two hours of sitting on a ramp waiting for a tractor trailer combo to move from the center of the ramp. We all have to void our bladders and we are getting short with each other because of the long hours we have kept. UJ and I managed to hold off the Kahuna long enough to get us back to his house. I am still recovering from this. But it is not over yet. Stay tuned, as they say!

Slow and sorrowful process

Yesterday was the first day of the travesty of the destruction of our family. My sister paraded and pranced around in front of the court justifying her irrational and inconsiderate behavior. She started by having the entourage escorted from the courtroom under the premise that she would be calling some of them as witnesses. My father was one of these. He was kept in the hallway all day while she lined up her peons to lie about any number of events that have not happened. I was not there, but I did receive official updates. Here is nugget. My sister would like a permanent injunction against me and my brother. She has to do these crazy things to justify her outrageous and outlandish behavior. I am so angry now that I have no compassion for her. She deserves exactly what happens when they hit her upside her head with the legal two-by-four when this is all over. Not sure of the details but it probably involves her supervising any visit I might have with my mother in the future. I guess she knows just how little respect I now have for her. I sincerely hope that the judge is rational enough to understand that 1) this should never have come to the attention of the court; 2) that my sister is the most dangerous of the siblings with respect to my mother; 3) that her lack of respect for the opinion and feelings of others (including our mother) is exactly why this should be dismissed. After dismissal the court should not only impose sanctions against HER, but require her to compensate us for mental duress, legal fees and travel expenses. Somehow, I doubt that any of that will happen. She may prevail. Even without that happening, I know that this family is forever changed. This is what happens in other people's families. We have always managed to address what ever griefs we have and return to normalcy. This will re-define normalcy forever. I am now done fighting. She can do as she likes. This family photo just lost someone. Like Marty McFly in Back to the Future there won't be anyone there, when the photos are reviewed. Not that someone is missing, simply as if she never existed. Blanked from my memory.

About ta

Those of you who have children or have had children living with you will understand that short phrase here. Another version of it is "Fixin ta..." do something or the other.

Yesterday on the way to church one of the kids said something to me. I responded and the response in return was "I was about ta...." This really got me to thinking about all the things in life that we are about ta address: civil rights, gay rights since there are so many who believe that are homosexual and lesbian kin should have only some protections under the law. I think it means we are about ta legalize some kinds of discrimination.

We are about ta take a serious look at global warming.

We are about ta decide what should happen in Iraq since we have had no coherent strategy heretofore.

We are about ta look at the disparity between minimum wage and poverty again.

In Minnesota we are about ta consider what it means to spend taxpayer money on a stadium for which we are not likely to collect fees for the many services and vendors there. That money would rightfully belong to the team owners who negotiated outlandish deals for tax incentives and breaks based on the employment certainty of x number of people.

We are about ta head into winter here in the Northern Plain States. It is happening later and later each year (but that is not related to global warming!) and even if it is what realistically can we do to reverse of slow the certainly inevitable process. Why should we restrain ourselves?

We are about ta look at making the MOA larger. On the news tonight I heard someone say it would be happening to the largest mall in world (I thought the one in Edmonton held the record). So what are you about ta do?

Meanings

What do you mean when you say, "We can't." We can. We always could and always will be able to do so. We are a family that has not yielded power without cause. We have avoided the ravages of social pressure and maintained a balance between the dualism of rampant capitalism and social justice. We have avoided the plagues of incarceration, chemical dependency and nihilism so common is society. We have weathered the storms of divorce and poverty and war and now we are losing all the gained ground while we wrestle with the treachery of treason. You figure it out. In a communal society, the needs (and desires) of the one will by necessity have to yield to the logical and collective desires of the many. This is a tragedy if for no other reason that we have to divide our resources rather than channel them in constructive and collaborative efforts. We are succumbing to the same law that has previously kept us physically and mentally captive. Cooperate with your oppressor and experience the wrath of your own. If you continue to be a parasite, we have to eradicate you.

What a meandering rant. Sometimes I simply have to go with the stream of conciousness and allow the words and ideas to flow. I know it is not coherent to most of you. But then again, I continue to struggle with the reasonings. As long as I do not have some sense of comprehension, I will not find the answers that I seek. A conundrum you say. Yes, it is.

Thankfulness

There is nothing formidable about my determination. I would simply ask that you find your own cistern of unquenchable strength. We have the love, kindness and commitment already in us. We simply have to find a way to use it. One day at a time, one step at a time, with the constant assistance of our friends and loved ones. We are all magnificent. We simply are. Use your resources.

People will do evil. There is little that we can do to prevent evil. We can all shout out about the evil we see. Simply tell the truth. For the truth shall always prevail. Until the very rocks cry out. We will all make our peace. Each one of us has to do what is right. No one else can tell us. We have to hear with our hearts and minds. We have to feel with our eyes and ears. We have to know with our total being.

I am.

Traditions Change

We all have  traditions.  Macaroni and cheese.  Greens.  Today my wife mentioned that we are
 having a classic Thanksgiving meal.  It includes the turkey of course and potatoes.  That is where our traditions diverge.  She mentioned broccoli and olives and some other things that have not been part of my traditional Thanksgiving.  I mentioned there was no macaroni and cheese, nor ribs, nor ham.  Not that I wanted these meal additions.  I only wanted to comment that we have to be careful when we start to talk about Tradition...of course we all like to romanticize our recollections of the TRADITIONS we survived to revive.  Some of those are great and some we hated.  Some we simply allowed to creep back in to existence because of ennui or apathy.  

Here is what I remember about Thanksgiving.  See if this approximates yours and share yours with me.  

Wake up at least an hour before sunrise so we could drive out to the country chapel and get it warmed up for the Sunrise Service.  Maybe have some of the church mothers prepare a breakfast feast for those who braved the Tennessee winter.  Back home in time to catch part of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on NBC.  Kids were then rushed outside to allow the older kids and adults to cook, clean and set tables.  Stuff ourselves with all manner of food shared with any number of kinfolk who happened to have needed a place to go for the day.  These might be actual relatives, but included students, singles from the churches, and friends of my sisters.  I am sure I have missed something.  But it was Rockwellian-like if you can think of the Cosbys as a Rockwell family.  We had our own versions of the tolerated (barely) unruly relative, too.  As I write about this I begin to wonder what these Thanksgiving celebrations will be like in the future.  Ms POA has taken my mother to Charleston.  That is out of state and I am certain that she does not have one of the ubiquitous CNAs accompanying her.  But then she would not need that as she is specially qualified to care for our mother.  I spoke with my Mama yesterday.  She was confused and needed some calming.  I will try her again today when things have settled down here.  We will perhaps have a preview of what Thanksgivings of the Luther family future will look like.  My sister, my brother and I sitting around somewhere telling stories with our dad about the traditions of our family.  It will start like this, "Remember when we used to grumble about having to get up before dawn to go to...."  Of course, the Rev will have a slightly different recollection of this.  Who knows?

Life as We Know It!

Where did you get your values? Were you present when they handed out the Rule Book? Apparently I was not. I do not know where I was. Perhaps I was not invited to the convocation! Maybe I am an Undesirable or some other kind of pariah. Whatever the reason, I missed out. Did you?

Here is what I speculate! I was out watching the sunset or watching the waves pound against a beachhead somewhere. They probably called and I was in that state of contentment and zoned all the outside world out. There was likely even a second call. I was probably cleaning house, or coaching volleyball for the kids. It was on my calendar, but the really important stuff in life took precedence to this simple formality. I was proably expecting one of those mid-dinner calls from my concerned Rule Book provider so that I could stay in the Rule Book good graces without my being reported to the violator of the Rule Book reporting agency. Since I usually do not answer the phone when we are having family time (dinner, movies, etc.) I missed out. They could have left a recording on voicemail that I probably have not listened to yet. The time limit for redemption will soon expire (if it already hasn't). They probably turned it over to the Rule Book Violator Forgiveness agency. Those letters are likely in that stack of mail on my desk that I get to when I am not chauffering kids to practice or games or interacting with them.

My intentions are good. I will think about after I put the kids to bed; the dishes and laundry though become the primary task at hand. Somewhere and somehow, I think we just have to make time between trips to the Post Office and drycleaners to read the everchangingcascade of new family rules.

1) Even though you should have access to your mother, we reserve the right to turn off the ringer on her phone, because it interrupts her time with the CNA.

2) Should you call and the ringer is off, the phone might roll over to voicemail; we reserve the right to disconnect the voicemail so that you may not leave a message.

3) If you per chance avoid Rules 1 and 2 and are able to talk with your mother, we will monitor the calls because you might say something that we personally disagree with. We can't have freedom of speech (unless it is our freedom- Remember WE are the Power Of Attorney).

4) We would never dial the phone to facilitate contact between you and your mother (even though we suspect you have tried to reach her unsuccessfully in the past).

5) Please do not confuse this enforcement of the Rules with anything you might call control or abuse. Remember Power of Attorney trumps all other rules. I make the rules and break them as I choose.

6) No mere non-attorney who does not have Power of Attorney dare challenge any of the rules above. You are not intelligent enough to understand the complicated system of Rules created simply to keep you from having a relationship with your mother.

7) Any challenge to the rules listed above will have more dire consequences for you. You may never speak with your mother again.

I think there are some more rules, but they have not been intimated to me yet.

PRIME DIRECTIVE: If you become enough of a nuisance, I will seek the fullest extent of Homeland Security Act to have you held without due process.

Manhood

i taught that rambunctious group of four and five year olds in Sunday School today. there were 42 of them...many of the boys were like swirling dervishes. knowing that boys do have a different kind of energy still does not mean we should allow them to run wild. but i do not know what we can do to contain and channel that enormous energy into healthy outlets. i usually have to take a nap when i finish my two hour stint. today was different. i was tired but also emotionally distraught. i stopped at Caribou and bought myself a medium chai latte. i took the long way home and found myself letting go of some of the grief that has been bottled up inside. grief about the changing family. my sister will have thoroughly alientaed herself from the rest of the family. my mother will truly never again be the sage and wily old woman i thought she would always be. i thought that there would be a chance for a miracle and a recovery. that recovery is likely not to happen as long as she is denied her freedom and she remains locked up inside the house there in GA. while i listened to the CD in my car tears began to drizzle down my face. no pretending is going to change that. there is a lot of emotion waiting for the right time to surface. keeping my nose to the grindstone...and putting one foot infront of the other. tomorrow will be a better day. tomorrow will be a better day. maybe.

Transcendental Stupidity

I work with a lot of people daily. Most are very nice people who have had some serious challenges in life. Every once in a while though I see something that reminds me that there are too many people who do not have both oars in the water. There is nothing in particular. It is cumulative like brain damage or severe CD issues. Eventually the effect just catches up with them....just too many stupid things done and no way easy back to reality. mom missed her visit today with her 9 month old. she was begging two days ago, but i am betting she found her old abusive flame who was happy to get her high and then slap her around a bit. she won't recall most of it because she takes her lithium when she wants to. i am already frustrated because we just don't have enough time, energy and resources to make all this happen. then there is my own crazy sister...busy suing family members as a method to resolve differences. of course being a lawyer, she has little concept of what is right or wrong - she is only concerned with proving her point. damn everything else. life is really just too short to leap off into these alternate realities. i am thinking i have to just live and let live. they can manage on their own. they will have to fight their own imaginary demons and if they survive perhaps they will have a stronger sense of reality...then again, maybe they will slip another notch on Jacob's ladder.
'

Each Day

i start out with the same 24 hours as everyone else. i settle in to my routine although i loathe to call it that. i check email, have some tea, let the dog out, head to the shower and either get kids up, if they are here, or leave for work, if they are not. nothing wrong with the routine. it works for me. sometimes i squeeze in time to write or to educate myself a bit on world affairs. sometimes i think about what life might be like if _____________ (You fill in the blank!)

lately though i have had just awful pangs of creativity that continue to bubble through my mundane psyche screaming to be given a voice - a chance to be expressed. most days i manage to quelch that before i lose my mind or my job. some days though i allow myself to ask the questions. why am i here? what else am i supposed to be doing besides Child Protection? Is there more? i know some of you are thinking this is just a mid-life crisis. i had those starting in my late twenties. i am the original angst-driven man. think every maudlin man you have ever seen. i am he and he is me. i was an emotional midget in the original family. the pendulum swung too far the other way when i escaped. hopefully i have moderated some of that in the past few years, but ever aware of what might become.

Trouble Man

I was at court again today. Another TPR trial...this being one of the first times I hoped that the parent did not arrive on time. A default hearing was what I needed. I just get up on the stand and talk about all the deficits of the parent. Not today. She was late and I had a fleeting moment when I thought I might avoid this horror. You ask, "What is so horrible?". Today her 11 year old son was in court. I had to say all these awful things about this child's mother in his presence. He sat there in the court room, doe-eyed and innocent looking. I am sure he knows that his mother is mentally ill. Why would this child have begged for asylum within the foster care system? Still no child wants to have participated in the process - no matter how many times we tell them that it is "in the child's best interests". That is the standard.

We left court and went back to my office for a supervised visit. After the visit, this woman who hated me just an hour before wanted a ride home and took the offer for lunch at Subway without blinking an eyelash. She offered to repay me for the orange soda, but not for the 12" subway she wolfed down. She was thankful as we approached her mother's house.

Each one of these trials takes a bit more of my soul away. Why do I have to do this? Could we not find someone else to take the black children away from the teats of their mothers. Am I evil incarnate or am I one of the guardians of the gate? Who is protecting the Black children from the parents? It is an odd position to be in. Of course I know this child already does not know his father. He was deported to Antigua some threee years ago. Antigua? Deportation to Antigua is a consequence for the domestic violence? Deportation should be to some place like Siberia; not Antigua.

Reds

Reds
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

it is better to be happy in a cardboard shack than to be alone in a castle...Harry Connick, Jr.

he is a junior...don't know anything at all about his father. smooth jazz to ease me into the night. today was a busy day...first volleyball game. we lost...but i think they had fun. coaching the team is going to be tough work. i need to get a whistle.

then lunch and then the trauma of the 8 month old terror. stranger anxiety and his sister becoming increasingly annoyed and agitated. i left him at the foster home when he had not calmed down after 1/2 hour. too much nerve-wracking annoyance.

mom was doing the same thing. anxiously badgering me and trying to win me over. just spend the time with your daughter. driving from one end of the metro to the other. crying kids...maybe we could run away...HC, Jr. again.

the music box played...sad little serenade...


busy tomorrow...Sunday School; teaching youngsters than shooting family portraits at the Circus of the Heart for MN ASAP. I am looking forward to this. Melancholy and little flow here. That is easy for you to say. Good night!

Fabulous 50s

Fabulous 50's
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

You can't really ever go home again. Home is always changing. The glorious days of my youth are faded and inaccurate memories made sentimental by the passage of time and forgiveness. Sometimes the passage is mercurial; other times it might be Neptunian (is that a word?). America is again looking back at the glorious days of its youth and adolescence. Was it as wonderful as we so fondly (but inaccurately) remember it?

Listening to new music...something i bought for myself...something to help me feel normal as i wade through the swamp of family matters. tantrums and attitudes and spasticity. the tidepool of good will is becoming a cesspool again. fear, anxiety, desperation are the colors of family i see now. compassion was thrown out the judicial window. maybe those 50s were fantastically fabulous for some of us.

i will be that 50 next year. hopefully someone will recall that i was wise and kind and considerate. perhaps someone will have a good word for me.

Sunrise

in the midst of all the turmoil and trouble and tawdriness, i see rays of hope. this morning was one of the most beautiful sunrises i have ever seen. pink and salmon sky, fingerling clouds with whispers of babies breath tossed in for good measure. i had this glorious view for at least a good 1/2 hour as i wended my way from our home to drop the kids off at school. sometimes in the midst of all our despair comes a blessing. i was awake for this one and i am thankful. just nice to be able to see the hand of the creator. hope you find some joy and bliss in the midst of all your troubles. BTW, no photograph would do justice for what i saw this morning. it will remain forever impressed upon my mind, though.

Simple Phone Call

my other family is in turmoil and crisis. we are floundering around trying to make sense of a situation that refuses to yield to the archives of regular stuff. my mother left here with m sister yesterday. my sister alleged she would come by the house with my mother for dinner. she never showed. my mother had no spare clothes with her or her medications. my sister lied to me. the shock of all this has left me disillusioned and overwhelmed with strange emotions. emotions that are so raw and so pervasive that i find myself fighting my most basal instinct - revenge.

lo and behold...my mother is reappeared in Atlanta. we have not heard from my sister prior to my call there recently tonight. i have also tried to have my sister listen to genuine concern about herself and my mother. she only wants to hear that she is being victimized and persecuted. a simple phone call would have been appreciated.

My sister has declared that she was advised by the local law enforcement not to come to my home. of course, she is the person (speculation) who called the ADC and told them that the Sgt. was coming to pickup my mother. I spoke directly with this Sgt. who actually listened to what I had to say. He verified that he had specifically told the ADC that he would not be coming.

This is too painful now for me to think about.

Autumn Day

Autumn Day
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

This is the second oldest surviving member of my family. My mother is an acerbic and sharp-witted woman who suffers from dementia now. She fades in an out like an old B/W TV with rabbit ears. It does not matter to me. I rather enjoy her philosophical rantings and her ability to both expand and compress time. I have been her brother, father and son all in one day. She probably does not know what day today is, nor who the President of the US is. Why should she care at this point? She has done her duty and should simply enjoy these sundowning years. This was taken on the deck at the back of our house. I hope she stays awhile.

Travesty Continues

Plenty of bravado being spewed lately. I guess only a couple of us were fully aware of the potential fallout for all this. I am exhausted. Phone calls from and phone calls to attorneys, siblings, father, my sister's SO. We can't seem to get her out of jail. Charge is contempt of court. I know that serious DWI offenders and domestic abusers get in and out of jail faster than has occurred in this situation. Rumor has it that there is now a warrant for my arrest as well. That would not be a smart thing. Instead of using collaborative legal actions, the firebrand has resorted to legal bullyiing and semi-fascist tactics. I can go to jail if it means that my mother will have an opportunity to have her story heard. But it is exhausting. When this is all over (if ever), I think it will be important to recall all that has happened and what it will have cost our family. The expenses are rising at a geometric rate. That is only what we can calculate. Once again we have to rely on attorneys. They get rich. We get __________? Little sister! see her here -
This is so sad because our family has already survived so many more severe challenges. We have always been a strong family, even though we might not have been very cohesive. It is important that you know why this is going on. I love my mother

Regardless how long my mother stays with me, I will be updating her portraits. It has been a real joy having her here in my home; lots of work, but still a joy.

Motion Blur

Motion Blur
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

you have to watch and look quickly because the family dynamics have changed. last week i had four sisters and one brother. this week, all the recent events have forever changed the makeup of my family. my brother, my father and i recently went on a mission to free my mother from the confines of the hired guns who care for her. she had asked for help repeatedly and left ehr home with us willingly when we arrived. all that happened in a matter of minutes. we took her to a hotel. we talked with her and listened to what she had to say. we talked about revoking my sister's POA (Power of Attorney for the uninitiated). Power is a good beginning for this mess. Now my brother, my father and I left my mother's home state - dropped my brother off in one state en route to my father's home state and finally my mother and I pulled into my driveway sometime yesterday - after we took my son to his special soccer clinic. The guys from the Thunder were there. Great clinic...too bad the kids were so tired.

My sister claims my sister participated. Apparently the Sheriff's Office picked up my innocent sister. Her claim to fame - she lives in the same damn county as my POWER hungry ATTORNEY sister. She has manipulated the truth and the court system long enough. She will have to face her judge separate and apart from the outcome of all this. Why 2 smaller. I have another sister in this southern metropolitan city who quietly sits back and watches all the evil transpire. I wonder what she gets out of all this.

Meanwhile. I can't go back to this mecca of necritude for fear that the denizens of destruction will apprehend me. Oh yeah, I have to hire an attorney. So why all the fuss?

My mother does have some memory issues- I think adult daycare would provide adequate safety for her. My mother does have many medications. Again, the ADC we visited today has an RN on staff and they administer medications. My mother will be in a more stimulating environment than if she simply lives alone in her dark house with the many strangers (CNAs), who all work for my sister. I think my mother enjoyed every single moment of this day. I hope that it was worth it for the rest of the family.

OK, I am looking at the sunny side of this. Tragically, I will have fewer Christmas presents to buy. Down to my two siblings and I am not allowed to be in contact with my mother since I am a detriment to her safety. See, I have withheld her anti-rejection drugs from her. Can you tell I am really quite angry? I hope so. I have to turn this anger into righteous indignation. Shalom!