Nobody Wins

Nobody Wins, originally uploaded by unohuu.

i really have not been ready to write anything. words take so much energy sometimes. and lately i have not wanted to expend that much energy. court and my job continue to take a severe emotional toll. it would not be so bad if i thought i could have some peace in my castle. some support from the people close to me. but it feels unsafe. can't do this and don't say that. guard your words with your life. this is not good for someone who all too easily keeps it bottled up inside. so the photographs have had to suffice. go visit my flickr site to see what i have been doing lately. the days are getting warmer and we can sleep with the windows open. the birds are the best alarm ever created. i like the mornings, especially when i have time alone.

can you imagine?

Draggin' the Line

Revelation - I work with people who have limitations. At times they also have personality disorders and they are not aware that their behaviors are obnoxious. Let me repeat this. Some of the clients have problems that are severe enough that they are not aware that they have problems. Scary thought. I have been on the verge of tears. I am at an all-time low of job satisfaction. I do not feel there is much protection in CP as I am writing this. Another system that is self-sustaining and monitoring. Too many mandates and too few people to accomplish this cycle-breaking work. At least I can be at peace while I watch the cruise liner sink. If we do not protect the children now, will they care for us when we are in need of protection? Good question!

themes

I have been working on this for more than a year now. I remember the first time I saw it I was using a KM-A2. A nice camera....I might have to get another one. I have since shot this lamp squiggle with the KM7D; my D70s; a rented D200 that I loved; an Mamiya 645J and maybe my 800si before I sold it.

Sometimes I think you just have to revist the images that have meaning to you. I do not yet know why this particular piece of metal means so much to me. I am ready to move on to another variation now. Maybe we adults are not all that different than children. I recall seeing The Lion King many more times than I could imagine when my daughter was 2 years old.

I have probably spent a good day of my life - yes, 24 hours or so shooting this image. I am content with what I have, but I envision coming back to see this with new photographic eyes. I guess this means I have to stash this broken lamp in the basement.

?

some people complain about everything. some people could not find solace in wining the Publisher's Clearing House (PCH) sweepstakes. You know who they are around you. They find fault in everything around them. Clarification becomes condemnation. Conversation becomes a verbal duel. No live prisoners. Each encounter is to the death. Pessimism would be an upgrade here.

Why is that? Rhetorical question, of course.

Luke

Friends

i apparently have gained an audience. someone visits often enough that i now recognize the name of the visitor. inane commentary aside, it is nice to have someone notice. of course, the visitor could just be a bot of some kind or the other, quietly making the rounds of pathetic little blogs. criterion for inclusion (or perhaps exclusion) must be sparse.

here is my story...my mother is locked away in a virtual residential prison. my sister, who claims to have POA, is her virtual warden. from all appearances so far, this is a life without parole sentence. no one in our corrupt and nepotistic court system seems to care about one little old black matriarch who raised her children during the post Cold War era in racist and sexist America. she is part of the generation that so many Boomers are waiting to die. apparently all these post Depression babies were massive frugal types. they have accumulated more wealth (homes, properties, money, securities, etc) than ever imagined. some greedy Boomers hope to access that wealth sooner rather than later.

of course, my sister, Ms POA, is in actuality is one with extensive legal training and knows the ins and outs and methodologies of the system. she knows what "magic" words to use. she knows what "magic" people to tap in to in order to get what she wants. she knows how to argue both sides of the issue. she knows how to manipulate and coerce those not versed in THE LAW. All paid for by the blood, sweat and tears of our parents. Malcolm and Martin and Bobby and Carter are sleepless in their individual nirvanas. what happened to justice? where is the freedom that was so hard won? when will the people realize that the gold is only glitter and the king has been naked for far too long. open your eyes people. read between the lines and use the God-given sense you have to say NO to all kinds of despotism. it does start in the family. this is the basic building bock of a society. i venture we can more easily know about the value of the individual in a society by seeing how the family is revered. this is more important than the last numbers seen on Friday for the Dow and Nikkei indices; more important than the GDP of any nation-state and; more important than what financial resources any one individual or collection of individuals have.

it is a microsystem. think about it...we are all on this planet together. we either resolve our petty disputes and differences or we all perish together (except those gazillionaires who can purchase space station time and off-world experiences). but who will she have to come back to after she has cannibalized her own family? get it?

Weary

there is always so very much going on...we are mega-analyzing what happened in Blacksburg, VA. so many are looking for a rational explanation for this tragedy. trying to make sense of what is senseless. do not look to blame the police department or the family. what is done is over now. we need to gently focus our energies on forgiveness and healing for the survivors. we hear about the dead, but the wounded do not make good headlines. we can all talk about the number killed before the gunman took his own life. how many of us know how many were wounded? does not make for easy sensational exploitation.

a man shows up at a federal facility and manages to get a gun through security. this is also tragic. he takes the life of one and leaves another traumatized. held captive with duct tape. must be from some place in the upper midwest. he knows the cure, the most oft used remedy for what can not simply be fixed. i am sure he is from the midwest. i know some of you wonder how i can be so cavalier about this. we have to laugh and cry sometimes. otherwise we can become them.

robbery in SinEsperanza today. started out as a simple robbery gone bad. one killed by accident...the second killed so as not to have a witness. guess the gunmen and gunwoman did not think that the GUN would make such a loud noise. even in the midst of all that someone manage to get a peak at the numbskulls who dug a deeper hole in the sidewalk. now it may take some time for them to get out. LHOP...

Hope

Hope is what we have to have in order to get through the day these days. St. Paul; a 44 year old man abandons his own 2 year old on the street and denies it when confronted. His final answer - he was tired of taking care of the kid.

A 16 year old girl stabs her new born 135 times and then dumps the body. Her final answer; it was still born. How many places are there on a new born's body that you could stab 135 times.

A jilted lover goes on a shooting rampage in Virginia. He kills quite few and injures some as well. He was angry I suppose, as I do not have the details of this story. Sordid details they have to be.

Don Imus makes the news. Do they think that we are all too dumb to think for ourselves? Do they think we enjoy the racist and misogynist drivel? He will have a new media job, probably before the ink dries on the dismissal letter. I am sure that one of the conservative talk radio stations will be glad to hire him. They have audiences that truly believe that the constitutional amendment right to free speech is as American as apple pie and will defend their right to say what they wish. Also eager to abrogate the right of free speech to those who do not agree with them.

Hubris is the word of the day. This beautifully descriptive word came to me in an email today. Look up the definition. How poignant! Exactly descriptive of the awful state of family affairs right now. How can we hoep to get through to the Junior Miss Perry Mason. How might we broach the subject of letting go? What is it that she wants from us that does not require total obedience to her wicked will? When will we be let go from the clutches of her terrific tirades? Hubris...who would have ever thought this of the Clan L...survived sharecropping, lynchings, garbage strikes, civil rights arrests, my brother's brief clash with law enforcement. We survived the trucker's strikes and my sisters working cotton fields for cash. We survived dashes down 57 in the Buick and Caddilacs. We survived the Lincoln and now the big van. We survived our mother's constant attention to our spoken word and behavior fit for the Prince and Princess of Wales. We survived church embarrassment. We survived the onslaught of wannabees after our parents were divorced. We will survive this latest debacle as well. We will always have hope.

Perspective

I finally figured out what has been eating at my craw all week long. I am working with a number of very young and very immature mothers. They have a serious sense of entitlement and seem to have forgotten their children along the way. One has three under the age of 4 and is expecting another in June. She does not anticipate any problems with the children when the new baby comes. Needless to say, I disagree with her. I am certain that there will be some normal animosity and jealousy. I know this, but do I know this because of my training or simply because of my life experience?

My mother has called me a couple of times this week. I enjoy the calls from her, and look forward to hearing her voice. The calls are a recent change as she has not either been allowed or encouraged to call. Now we are certain that she is adamant that she call. She also had a coached call from my sister. I heard her voice in the background prompting her to say thanks for returning a coat that we have had here since October.

I wonder what distinguishes this POA sister of mine from the drug and alcohol numbed minds of my clients. She is older and she did benefit from wonderful parenting. I guess this just means that our family will be the counterargument to the Nature vs Nurture debate. Maybe she is hardwired differently. Maybe she has to be the center of attention. Maybe it is because she is a middle child shadowed by brothers with very distinct and solid personalities. Maybe she feels inadequate when she compares herself to my older sister. But this really only exists in her mind. She is always welcome to call, but I can't think of anything I really have to say to her. The slander and vitriol and emotional damage is extensive. She acts and pretends as if all is well. Just like the day she graduated from high school.

This monster that has eaten my sister and cannabilized my family is amorphous now. I know that there always remains hope for success. I fear that our hope was dashed when Obi Wan was cut down by Vader. Perhaps out there is a new rising star.

First Step

i am tired and weary. i have too many irons in too many fires (take heed George). i do not have he energy to finish one thing...on top of all this i am almost broke. not broke in the sense that we don't know how we are going to pay the mortgage or buy groceries, but broke in the sense that for the first time in a long time i am living from one paycheck to the next. i am determined not to run up my credit cards (took too long before to pay them off). i have this bill and that bill and the phone bill and the satellite and kids activities and soccer and gas and you know - on and on it goes. so i will wake up tomorrow morning and put one foot in front of the other to start that long journey beginning with a first step.

Rest and quietude and hermitage.

Windows II

Windows II, originally uploaded by unohuu.

I went to see a client in St. Paul on Monday. His apartment had that odor of stale smoke. I mean an odor that reeks of unopened windows and smoke that has not been moved for days or weeks. We were talking about reunification with his 1 year old son. I have written about him before, but this time we were seriously trying to figure out why he has not purchased a crib. He has no rent for at least another month; his expenses are minimal for now. All he needs is to get a crib and he could start having overnight visits with the baby. As it is right now, he has no playpen, no safety equipment for a soon to be crawling 1 year old. He does not seem to be serious to me.

Maybe it is my middle class and overprotective social worker values. I would have bought a crib with my first paycheck. I would have had all my friends looking into their basements and attics in search of the crib. Whatever it takes so the kid could be with me.

It was the Monday following Easter and I was already in St. Paul - I headed over to the Cathedral of St. Paul. Someone was giving a tour of this grand old building. I listened and quietly clicked away, wishing I had my tripod and praying that the images would be serviceable. The stained glass windows and the saintly alcoves. The click of heels on the marble floor. Impressive amounts of material went into the building of this Cathedral.

Following my respite and soul healing there I wandered down Selby Avenue. Formerly one bastion of racial inequality and despair in the Midwest. Now this area is awash with trendy restaurants, chic condos (1BR no view $219K), and great little shops like this one here. I love wedding dresses. Something special and magical about them. Women buy them for a single wearing only. Imagine the faith a man would have to have to purchase something knowing that he might never use it again. Some fancy car he could only drive one night then have it sit in the garage and passed on to his son.

That's all.

An Unexamined Life

Socrates wrote, "An unexamined life is not worth living". But what does he mean? Does he mean that one should simply go about one's life doing as one pleases without remorse or awareness of consequences? Meaninglessness and purposelessness account for all too many lives that I see daily. Today I drove out of town to testify at a certification hearing for a fifteen year old. The County Attorney called me as a witness.

As I entered the courtroom I see his sister, mother, father and brother. While I waited in the witness room, I had an opportunity to talk with two education people who have worked with this fifteen year old. The conversation rums the gamut as we all determine why we were asked to come. This young man has robbed a convenience store but ruthlessly shot the two clerks in the store. Amazingly he left the dollar bills - taking only the $5, $10, and $20 denomination of bills. Go figure. He also brazenly looks up at the camera when he does the robbery. I do not think that he examined his life. He looked nonplussed at the goings on around him today. His attorney was rabid in his defense.

It is everyone else's fault but his. He was not provided this or that when he was young. He had some affliction or the other. So...on the way to Duluth, I had the opportunity to call my mother. Someone new answered the phone and instead of giving the phone to my mother, I was passed off to my sister.

She was blitheful in her usual way. She asked how I was doing? I am always taken aback as this happens, and I exchanged a minor pleasantry and courtesy with her. I continue to be amazed that my sister, the mighty Ms POA, can be so blissfully ignorant of what she has said that I am and what she continues to do with and to my mother daily. Is the law so bereft of wrong and right that she can become so detached from her moral compass as to be ignorant of the destruction she wreaks? I can't imagine that the founders of this country would want the law to be applied in such a manner. Justice is about something different. It is about righting wrongs; it is about restoring the peace. It has to be equal for the common person as it is for the mighty partrician.

When Socrates wrote those words so many thousand years ago, he must have envisioned a time when there would be legions of people with unexamined lives. What must we do with those who fail to stop and take the time for contemplation; for consideration; for examination of the self?

On my journey home, I had the opportunity to listen to talk radio. There are so many divisive and pompous people who spout the most awful vitriol. When will we leave partisan politics and figure out how we as a people can all rise together? Again, I fear that there are many unexamined lives at stake. Rome, Ming, England, and now the States. We will fall. Then we will have time to examine our lives, our fates, our futures. Pray that we learn quickly from our own mistakes and that we can learn equally fast from the mistakes of those that came before us as well as those who follow us.

I think, therefore I am.

Danza Sola

Danza Sola, originally uploaded by unohuu.

went to a church Palm Sunday concert tonight. this dance was but one small part of the celebration. she was just lovely and inspiring. i am not sure that i was able to capture her. this was good practice in shooting events though. i had to work on the lighting and focus on composition while paying attention to movement, etc. some of the photos were quite blurred and not artistically i would add. this one came out OK. could be better, but i would have had to have been closer.