ATM

ATM
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

I went to the ATM on my way to Rochester this morning. Mom was at the Mayo for her annual kidney checkup. it has been six years now. my sister, Jacqui, brought her up from Atlanta. Amazingly they managed to get along without killing each other yesterday. Few appointments though. it has become a ritual for my mother to become unglued shortly after she arrives here at my home...like all creatures of habit, she hates the disorientation of unfamiliar surroundings. obviously, my home is not similar to hers in any way. she lost her keys; she misplaced the TV remote (euphemism for hid it in her state of disorientation). i know those keys are here somewhere and i think i will find them before they head back to Atlanta.

ATM is because my sister, the lawyer, who is in charge of my mother's affairs, according to her, was too cheap to get parking, or buy my mother lunch today. she will reimburse herself for all the expenses and probably pay herself for the travel and accompaniment while she has been away from her legal practice.

mom again has agreed to the idea of ASSISTED LIVING. i am not sure if the RN talked her into it or my sister guided the discussion that way. what i know is that my mother will not recall agreeing to ASSISTED LIVING and there will be hell to pay with the siblings. here we go again.

Little One

Marcus w/prop
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

My own little pointdexter-like child. He would never just smile for the camera, but these glasses that he found to hide behind gave him just enough of a prop that he would allow me to capture this image. Imagine that. He loved this!

Anonymous

Anonymous
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

life is full of surprises. there are so many events and moments that we can't plan for. i have been busy the last couple of weeks. last weekend i shot my second wedding. or at least part of a wedding - just the formals after the ceremony. but even then they were in a hurry. i was so surprised that i failed to follow through with the lighting that i wanted to achieve.

this is a photo from my studio lighting class. i was pleased with the results. it was a surprise as well since my camera would not work with the radio transmitter that the others had. oh well, make lemonade when life gives you lemons. if not that, then lemon custard, or lemon pie, or lemon something. i will get to shoot again.

Reds' Rant

Reds
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

she came for a visit on Friday, before Mothers' Day. I am sure she did not know Mothers'Day was approaching, just as I am sure that she did know she was going to see her mommy. She was disappointed though, because Mommy never showed up. Not a tear was shed, nor any cry uttered. She is a trooper, perhaps all to accustomed to the stinging disappointment. I see too many of these placid and sad faces. This one makes me feel truly sad inside. I keep hoping that my work could soon come to an end. We could have better parents in our society. We could eliminate the shaming and debilitating poverty that is one factor in child abuse. We could make a dent in domestic violence and chemical dependency. We could laugh away at illiteracy. We could push racism and sexism out the door. We could do it all, but I now fear we don't care anymore. We all want Hummer H3s (the fuel efficient ones), LCD TVs, 6000 sf homes that we hardly have time to spend in because we are raging workaholics and playaholics. We do not know our neighbors. We do not care about life (except what we can immediately see and touch). We have endless arguments about stadiums and taxes. We have Democrats and Replubicans engaging in senseless rhetoric as our Rome is burning. We have global warming and instead of changing our lifestyles, we argue incessantly about who is to blame. We all are. Maybe she is somber because she is not sure she wants the inheritance that we are leaving for her.

Thoughts

I had two thoughts this morning relating to all the business in people's lives.

1st Thought: What would our lives be like if no one had ever been able to drive through a McDonald's or Burger King or KFC? What if you had to eat there or take it home? I thought about this because I was rushing off to donate blood this morning. In my business I forgot that they wanted to be certain that I had eaten something. Mickey D's; here I come. What impact might this have had on our society? What would it mean if we were not all facing the same way in the car when we started eating as we rushed from this place to that place? What would we have replaced the "car culture" with since nothing occurs in a vacuum? More importantly, what have we missed as we learn to love our cars as we do ourselves?

2nd Thought: Where are we all rushing to? Technology was meant to ease the burdens of our lives. Machines to do the grueling labor, computers to do what took so very many man and woman hours to do in the past? We have these much larger homes, and greater distances to travel regularly. We are a global community, but we often do not know our immediate physical neighbors. We have instant access to financial news, politics, scandal, and weather, but we often fail to take time to utilize the information. We are more easily able to be entertained, yet we do not seem to enjoy and are constantly craving more. Are we insatiable? How much bad news can one person absorb? How much fun can one body take before it needs something sobering? Why so much excess? Perhaps you can tell me!

Less

i am just frustrated and tired of being stuck in the middle. i was born in the middle of my siblings. i am #3 of 5. two considerable older sisters and then the last three of us all bunched together over a short period of 4 years.

i live in a totally middle class neighborhood and i am surrounded by people who have wonderful middle class values. they work hard, they play a bit, save, travel and cut their grass every weekend from May until October. i work hard throughout my week and grass and yardworks are the last thing on my mind. i do not find it meditative or relaxing. i wonder why so much emphasis on the pristine lawn that the neighbors all pour petrochemicals on for fertilization and weed-killing. we don't really spend all that much time in our yard. we play at the soccer fields and badminton practices for the kids. we ride our bikes to the park and we eat on the deck (when the mosquitos are not too bad).

have we been duped into all this middle class manic acquisition as a means to support the megaindustrialists? do any of us really need Suburbans for hauling the kids to soccer? Or our home entertainment places that we are too busy to enjoy? i am thinking smaller is better now. i am thinking getting into a small well-designed home that does not keep me captive every weekend. what happened to weekend jaunts to exciting nearby places? romantic dinners in noisy little bistros and nights of dancing and laughing over beer with friends? is this why we are almost all overweight and developing disorders that the medical professionals are only now giving names to?

less is more in a way. i will keep you posted.

i saw this posted elsewhere. i could not find a person to credit it to, but i am acknowledging that this is not mine. i do think it is great advice. you have to decide for yourself. some of it may be useful, some not. take what you need and leave the rest for someone else.

ADVICE, LIKE YOUTH, PROBABLY JUST WASTED ON THE YOUNG

June 1, 1997

Inside every adult lurks a graduation speaker dying to get out, some world-weary pundit eager to pontificate on life to young people who'd rather be Rollerblading. Most of us, alas, will never be invited to sow our words of wisdom among an audience of caps and gowns, but there's no reason we can't entertain ourselves by composing a Guide to Life for Graduates.

I encourage anyone over 26 to try this and thank you for indulging my attempt.

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97:
Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts.
Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.

a couple

 
it was nearing sunset. i was on my way home and the lighting was nearly perfect. i stopped and wandered down the path by the abandoned building. across the creek i could see a couple. she had a camera in hand and they were shooting portraits i think. when they became aware of my presence they took of in a direction that i could not easily follow. i was not really interested in them anyway. i thought this would simply be the most advantageous spot to see parts of this abandoned site that i had not previously seen. it is a site worth exploring sometime with shadows and stray light through broken and jagged windows. i was glad to know that someone else appreciates the antiquity and graffiti that i see as i pass by here regularly. 

More Tulips

More Tulips
Originally uploaded by Luke Luther.

question that comes to mind is what will these look like come Mothers' Day? what do you think?

Wake Up Everybody

worked with a couple today in my last session. they are the epitome of a relationship in trouble. they both are in tremendous pain but do not seem to hear that the mate is also in pain. no ability to listen to each other. no compassion. lots of yes, buts. the husband wants revenge and the wife simply wants a break from the constant harangue of criticism. i am not sure that either one of them heard what i had to say. i was quite distraught when i left the counseling office. it is a symptom of the rushing and doing that permeates our mindsets. we have to have this_________ and to do that_____. we must be seen here (______) and heard listening to_______ or talking with_____. you have to fill in all your own blanks here.

so right now i am listening to Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes and now Jean Luc Ponty on his electric violin.

Flowers are blooming here. My wife has tulips coming in. I love them before they bloom. See the most recent photos at Someday Studio.

tomorrow i may also have time to get to the flower gardens at Lake Harriet.

it starts with a look across a room. most of the space between that moment and the onset of hopeless disrepair is a blur. a hormone-induced and meaningful blur, but obviously not reality anyway. it feels like we are running apart from each other. i work harder at being a family guy; coming home from work and making time for my wife and kids. she works long hours and then wants to be the center of all the attention when she is available. inevitable conflict. i am supposed to shut off my feelings for my children when they leave my house each week. then we can just be a newly wed couple who have time for expensive dinners and all the stuff that she wants. i guess not bearing the children means not having to take any responsibility for them. there was a dad at soccer practice last night who was talking with his son's mother. it appeared to me that he was quite bored, just sitting there with the other soccer parents, watching their children learn to play together and grow in those little ways all to evident when you watch and talk with them regularly. i thought it was ironic that i was better able to talk to this mom than her son's father (i am guessing they were not married). see our kids go to the same school and share some of the same friends. a commonality - small but important. now i have my own wife who does not want me to invest time and energy into our children (she is the only one calling herself step-mom) and asking me to do what policymakers have already deemed to be anathema. african-american father that i am, i should simply ignore the needs of my own children because i have "another" family now. smells like jealousy to me.

Great idea

This quote I saw this morning while relaxing a bit. It is succint!

"Knowing the truth is fairly useless; feeling it is profound; living it makes all the difference."

Green

 

We are now in the middle of Spring. Tulips are coming up. Flowers are blooming. Pollen and dust are floating and blowing in the spring breezes. Days are warm and nights are pleasantly cool. Just the way I like it. It will not stay this way. We will continue to the hot and muggy summer months here. Those months I really used to enjoy but I think I will want to escape some of the summer heat here. Tempers are already short. Patience is in short supply. If it is too hot here we may have a summer of discontent. If gas prices cross the $3/gal mark before Memorial Day, there will be trouble in KC, and NYC, plenty of other places. Why me might actually start to slow down. But the machine will want to see progress and innovation (as long as innovation does not cut into huge corporate excesses and frivolous use of shareholder's net gains). After all $400 million to a retiring executive who has already robbed the coffers is a bit of excess...even in America. Who knew? 

Life

This is what happens while I observe and wait for the best parts to start. Everything seems to be working backwards from where I was a year ago. Just when I think our marriage has improved I find that I have again done something horribly wrong. This week it was taking my daughter to her therapy appointment on a day that she is not usually with me. That meant I would have to have contact with my ex since she would come pick up the kids. Well the therapy appointment time was all wrong. My son told me he was hungry; I shrugged off the inconvenience and took the kids to Pizzeria Uno; called the ex and told her to meet us there. I made the mistake of sharing my quesadillas with her. When I told my wife this she blew a gasket. It seems that the stars were all aligned and in duplicitous efforts she cancelled coming to the appointment (of her own accord); turned off her cell so I could not reach her; waited for me following the tryst with my ex and the kids and I was late because I stopped to buy some film at the camera store. I forgot to mention that only 1/2 hour earlier I had been accosted telephonically buying posterboard for a school project (again, not on my day)!

the ensuing squabble resulted in an all night harangue and me going to bed with headache. but the discussion (argument, conflagration, melee) did not stop there. i was kicked by my adoring and considerate wife because she was angry with me for refusing to continue this well into the night. i told her i simply had had enough. when the kicking became too much i rose from the bed, headed to basement and slept on the uncomfortable sofa that i hate to SIT on, let alone try to sleep on. next day, it was my fault for refusing to listen to her temperamental tirade. gotta reconsider that.

Urban Trees

These provide us with shade (homes); cool breezes (air conditioning); and fuel (eneergy for micowave, coffeemaker, etc). We all hate them in our backyard, but we consume more electricity every year. Our computers, microwave ovens, battery and small electric chargers, lights, larger TV and HES (Home Entertainment Systems); laptops, PSII, Gamecubes, VCRs, Tivo and DVRs. Well I think you get it. We are certainly reap what we have sown. More wood for larger homes that we spend less time in; not more. Bigger kitchens, bedrooms as large as 1950s era houses. 60 Minutes reported on the number of hours corporate workers spend at their jobs or connected to their jobs. Amazingly the small appliances keep us connected to the workplace, yet they do not make us more productive (efficient). We are number 4 or so on the list - right after some of those lazy Europeans who take many hours of vacation each year. What is going on? Your guess is as good as mine. But I would fathom a simple guess - we have our priorities confused.
 

Alabaster Box

we are out again. seems that i can do no right. my actions and behavior are always suspect. no explanation or discussion required. guilty as charged. we only look at my part in this debacle. it is emotionally draining. kind of like the current presidential administration. always looking for the "half-empty" glass. i recall telling someone last week that instead of looking at the quantity in the glass i am simply trying to be grateful that i have a glass and that no one is trying to destroy it or take it away from me. optimism at its best. i have my frustrating moments...right now i can't sleep and i am up writing this at 1:30 a.m. i know i have work tomorrow, but a bit of anxiety and stress is all it takes to push me over the insomniac edge. i have music as my companion.

Someone is watching!

Do we know; Do we care? 

Banquet

My plate runneth over with misery. Today I had another default TPR. That means the parent did not appear in court. Easy for me, but a sure sign that this child has been abandoned. That simple act will be a traumatic experience for this child for many years when she is able to understand what it means. Each one of these TPR trials take another piece of my soul. I have to find something positive and cathartic to replenish myself. This is actaully painful for me. I want to simply fall into a fetal posture and let the pain of all this world run out of me. Unfortunately, I am not going to do that. Yes, I know this is a benefit for the child. She will have a chance to be adopted by a family that wants her; live in a home where she is valued and loved. She can get the positive nurturing she will surely need in order to become the first female president of the USA. She will have courage and strength beyond my simple comprehension. If you say something often enough, perhaps you can move the truth in that direction. I have to believe that this is now a possibility for this little girl. See she is just 5 moths old. She was born with a bit of cocaine in her system and she may have some developmental hurdles to overcome. I have faith that nurturance can prevail against nature this time.

new dawn

the world seems to be a very sad place for me today. try as i might, i can't swim out of the blue that surrounds me. i am looking at a card on my desk right now that talks about the hope that we can all have if we simply believe. that "one small candle" is about to be extinguished in me. trouble everywhere i look. home front; tough times. work; important as ever but very dreary. i am tired but not the kind of tiredness that a good vacation will cure. this is tired of living in the cesspool of global warming, rampant corruption in business and government. i am tired of reading the paper and hearing about shootings or stabbings. i am tired of reading about the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. imagine what life would be like if we heard about the famine in Africa and the brutality of dictatorships in places our press chooses not to report from. i am tired of hearing about abortion and abortion opponents killing, lying and hurting each other. i a frustrated because we all think we are doing the right thing. we each hold a piece of the ELEPHANT sitting in our minds and living rooms. we are thoroughly convinced that the ear is the entire elephant. what happened to dialogue and discourse? when will we start listening to each other? how many more have to die or be maimed before we become unglued from our collective snobbery and realize that we share the same DNA and ultimate fate?

i can't simply be grateful that the sun is coming up each day. i am no longer happy just to have the newspaper waiting for me when i awaken from my comfortable bed. it is too much to have to see that organizations that seek to assist our less fortunate are constantly having to beg for donations. yet we can rant about our large screen TVs and ever-increasingly large homes. more and more i am seeing that more is really less. less time to commune with neighbors and friends. less time to read; less time to see a beautiful sunrise or to experience a glorious sunset. less time to smell the roses. less time to listen to the sound of one hand clapping.

i can't make the world a better place. i can make my place in the world less detrimental to the air, water and environment. i can choose organic produce and meats. i can drive one day less or maybe two. i can share my hopes for a better tomorrow (without GE). i can spend a few minutes actually seeing the person next to me as another infinitely unique individual who is deserving of the same that i want for myself.

fewer news items to hear. less toxicity and more simple joy.

the meditative muse

yesterday we Minnesotans had a chance to relive what we have cried about for months now. Winter came to visit before it ultimate seasonal departure. This time though, winter came with vengeance. It seems Old Man Winter does not like the weak and ineffective characterizations he has heard of late. OMW wants us to know that even with global warming, we can still feel his steely and icy fingers. Driving was a nightmare. It was a nightmare with beautiful scenery. Trees and practically everything else covered in snow - stop signs, license plates, windows and driveways. We good Minnesotans will certainly have something to talk about until the torrential rains start next month or perhaps until we reach our summer drought. I, for one, am glad we got a thorough dowsing of snow. It was beginning to look a we bit drab outside. Off to court soon. Perhaps I will have a happy ending to write about later today. That would be nice. Question is, whose ending to be happy?