Music

Music has a remarkable way of transporting people through and across time.  You hear that song from high school or college and you can be momentarily carried away in the mood and mindset of that time.  Sometimes it is really great to visit memory lane.

Other times music can be healing, transformative or a transmitter or facilitator for difficult emotions.  I have been listening to old rhythm and blues on Pandora.  Mostly Gladys Knight and the Pips, Teddy Pendergrass, The O'Jays, interspersed with Chicago and Michael McDonald.  Those old songs told stories of love and lust, hurt and trust, right and rights, wrongs and longings.  Have a listen to some songs on your favorite streaming station.  Listen to the words.  Hear the desire to connect.  The devastation of being vanquished from one's life.  Hear the joy of being in love, and loving someone.

KaBoom

The beautiful autumn I anticipated is starting to come to a dramatic close.  The yellows are so brilliant right now with the sunny days we have had.  I have spent lots of time walking and immersing myself in this splendor of color and testament to a full life.  Seasons exist for a reason - one is to simply appreciate differences.  Each of these seasons has beauty.  If you are always comparing Spring to Autumn you are likely to not enjoy the special qualities of either.

Things did not work out for me and the lovely lady.  I was hurt.  I was desolate for a some time, too, trying to figure out what happened...what I did wrong.  I may never know, but I can't stop living just because this one individual rejected me.

I could write about what she is going to be missing.  That would not really make me feel better.  I wanted her to hurt like I did for a while, but I let that go, too.  No reason to engulf myself in pity and miss out on all the rest that life has to offer.  There is plenty of beauty and happiness to go around.  I have to leave myself open to recognizing it and then allowing myself to experience it.

Pop Up Performance

Saturday afternoon was a beautiful time in Minneapolis.  The weather seems to be slightly warmer than normal and there was a gentle fall breeze.  Earlier in the week I had received notice of a Pop Up performance - Drum and Dance - at the Capri theater.  I was tired already after a full day of work, running back and forth with coffee and copies and making sure everyone was taken care of at the Foster Parent training session, but this Pop Up looked like fun.

It was.  It was just starting when I pulled into the neighborhood and I could hear the beat of the drums.  Mostly youth playing and college age kids.  Adults scattered around the Capri plaza area, with a table in corner with food - Sambusas from Safari Express.  Someone had also made some cake.  There was something to drink.  Here are a couple of images.  Sometimes you have to be willing to break your routine to find a few moments of joy or happiness.

Enough

We keep talking about the government as if it is an entity that we don't know. We fund the government and choose the government we want. The current administration has taken an active role in protecting our borders. Perhaps if we think about the kinds of resources we need to curb the flow of terrorists and border crossings, we can think about how we can best allocate dwindling resources. 

Too often I hear people pick one issue to develop an opinion about a political process. If the administration is to blame, we all share in it. We nitpick, we refuse to get the work done, we spend our limited time and resources making mountains out of molehills. We have chosen to make politics into a win-lose proposition and every election is viewed as a mandate for the next swing in the increasing arc pendulum. 

If a family were as dysfunctional as the elected/appointed representatives we would imagine how remarkably unhappy the children and partners would be. Too many miserable families make up a poorly functioning community. Too many unhealthy communities means more and increasingly more dysfunction as we climb the community ladder - city, county/parish, state, nation. 

I imagine my parents are watching us and hoping we can find a way to right this vessel. Stop the incessant bickering and get back to being productive and happy citizens. It is a struggle we will always have, but we can do it better than we have in the past two or so decades. We all have to make some adjustments, each and every one of us. 

It isn't a Christian vs non-Christian issue. It is not a liberal vs progressive vs conservative vs moderates vs independents issue. It is not Occupy Wall Street "nihilists" vs capitalists vs Randian capitalists vs socialists. It isn't black vs white vs Latino vs Asian vs Native issue. 

It is the future of the United States of America issue. Who do we want to be? Not who we were 100 or 200 hundred years ago, but who we are today and who we want to be tomorrow. Together or balkanized into separate continuously warring fiefdoms/caliphates/regions.

Nothing At All

I am still trying to wrap my head
around this recent situation

I think I could accept
her reasons if I heard them.

My mind wanders into all kinds of places
Searching for puzzle pieces
in the dark and murky waters
of despair and sorrow.

It has me reconsidering my dream
Maybe I am not ready for more
I know that I want to try
But that may not be enough

In the endless chasm of fault
I am looking only at my self
Hoping to take my dented heart
Off the safe and dusty shelf

Echoed promises
Patient with hope
Work and life dull
Sleep is but momentary escape

Cryptic missives
Silences augurs injuries
Already perceived
Mind tricks, life sticks

Whiplash

Ring, ring, the telephone rings...Dad, a sadness in the voice on the other end.  I just need to talk for a couple of minutes.  Are you coming into the store this morning?  Yes, I will be there momentarily.  Put my aching heart back into the protective case and open the corner zipper so that I can feel something.  I am scared; I am angry; I am frustrated; how can I help?  Just listen and help me think of a plan to deal with this.  One of my friends suggested we put the rules into writing.  What a great idea, I say!

Back home from the dog park and the phone rings.  Your child is having a crisis and I need your help right away.  Be right over.  Please get up and out of bed so that you can get to school on time.  I am not going this child says.  School doesn't matter and I am not learning anything there anyway.  Please tell us what is bothering you.  Silence...more silence and then an angry gush of emotion and hurt coming cascading from this child's mouth.  We were not successful in getting him to school on time.

I rush to DT office to drop off  PROJECTOR for work.  I get there and realize I left it in the storage closet in the training room.  No one has specifically asked for this projector though and since I am feeling barraged and overwhelmed with just the morning's events, I simply turn and go home.

Ring, ring, ring...what's wrong with your child?  This child scared the dog and is screaming something about how he "...hate the bitch"!  I will be back shortly and this child's mother is en route to deliver this child to school.

Peace while I write.  I pen a quick text to one and try to avoid looking at the possibility of a response.  I should not anticipate any response any how.

Breathe...breathe...breathe!

KaSi

Every time you unlock the kevlar vest around your heart you risk having someone look for the opening.  I knew all along it was a possibility, but I had not anticipated that it would be like this.  Instant connection and promises of something.  Just as quickly as it started, it came racing to an unanticipated and abrupt end, marred by an incredibly confusing text message.  Stunned I have asked why and have heard that "...it's not me..." and that an actual phone call would be forthcoming...but that was two weeks ago.  I have to let go and move along, as there is nothing to see here.  No wreckage or damage that others need to gawk at.  No visible scars; no tears, no harm and no foul.

Letting go when I don't know why makes it awful.  But in order for me to do better I have to simply assume the worst and forgive.  I can use this feeling to be so careful in the future while I try to be genuine and open while still zipping up that kevlar vest again.

Sometime

Sometimes your heart wants what your head tells you not

Others the spirit questions and whispers to you no!

Time and again, we get out of synchronization

Pulled this way and pushed that way by familiar sensations

Comfort, temptation, nurture, sleep, privations

All nudge and push and pull us so

Whispering promises not ready to keep

Listen with your ears...see with your eyes

Feel with your heart

Let go

Training Day

I know that it is work, because when I finish the presentation I am drained.  It is not a simple stand in front of people and give them statistics and helpful hints.  It is an informed dialogue to help prepare them for the realities of relative foster care and more often than not permanent relative care.

But I love to see the degrees of acceptance and recognition when they are acknowledged as a crucial and very important part of a team process.  Many are doing this love-work because they can't bear to see children displaced and separated from families.  For many African-Americans and Native-Americans this has historical roots in slavery or boarding school placements.

Hooray to the new group of foster parents working with us to secure a better future for the children.

Be Impeccable with Your Word

http://www.toltecspirit.com/four-agreements/impeccable-word/

The first and most profound of don Miguel’s Four Agreements is Be Impeccable with Your Word. While this seems fairly straight forward it takes on many subtle and profound aspects as you begin to practice. Very simply to be impeccable with your Word is to use your Word in the direction of love and truth. It’s not as simple as it sounds.

Sounds easy, but living this is a challenge.  

Change

As summer splashes into autumn
And the leaves dry and krinkly are crushed under boots 
As the days shorten and cool
While nights envelope us in her favorite tool
I think of you and laughter and dancing eyes
Lilted voices and casual strolls through those krinkled leaves
Minutes melting into hours
Phone calls crossing nebulae
Light bending while sound warps into joy
Hearts laughing and open filling with glee
Fear at bay for now

Hope

There is a certain irony in how quickly life can change.  One day everything is OK and it is full steam ahead.  The next is a day of uncertainty and sudden change of heart.  We have all experienced it.  It leaves devastation in the wake of sadness, remorse, hope, despair.

notes

I deactivated my Facebook page recently.  I did not delete it.  I simply needed a break from hostility and conflict. I chose to take care of myself because being around negative people is not healthy for me.  I don't usually fend it off well.  But in my haste to escape I forgot that I have posted some of my best creative writing in the notes section.  I am going to copy them over the next few days and leave them here.

Change  July 6

Yesterday is something we have to define for ourselves.

My list looks like this:

consumerism

unabashed use of fossil fuels

resistance to change

hurt and anger that does not motivate me to be better

old ideas that have not survived the tests of time

callousness

statism...

political partisanship...

I can envision a better tomorrow:

cooperation

forgiveness

patience

justice...

Some of the changes take time and thoughtfulness, but maybe cooperation can invigorate the process. It is a journey not an event. 

Quiet Sunday

The boy is sniffly and sneezy.  He is passed out on the couch because he doesn't want to miss any of the football games that he is pretending to watch.  It's OK with me though, because it has given me time to make a tasty shepherd's pie and to finish off a couple loads of laundry, too.  I have already logged about 5 miles walking both dogs twice today.  Probably have to go out one more time.
J has not decided about the next step at this time.  Surprise, surprise.

People Can Be Funny!

It's Saturday morning and I am sitting here at the computer writing my thoughts before they are buried under the to-do list of things I hope to accomplish today.

While walking the dogs this morning I thought about the little things that don't seem to fit into the budget anymore - Fast food; soda; movies; cable TV.  I guess that there are budgets similar to mine. Shrunken over time with only less-than-adequate raises while we watch the prices of so many things rise.  I am not sorry that there is no cable; I don't miss having a liter of Coke or Ginger Ale sitting on top of the refrigerator.  I have found many other things to do instead of sit and watch cable TV.  I was never a "Reality TV" watcher.  I don't know about any of the many "Housewives..." and I am already a "Survivor" of every day here.  With all the prying and spying our government is doing "Big Brother" is much too relevant for me to be distracted by "The Voice" and "Dancing with the Stars".

I think the capitalist machine is working exactly like people want to see it work.  We can create a new generation of serfs and fiefdoms for the overlords to "protect" from the socialists and heathens.  I think the problem is that this time the infidels are being armed as well as the crusaders.

The spin machine tells the general population just enough to keep them afraid and under control and to create enough despair of "others" who are trying to steal what little you have so righteously earned.

Keep watching what the neighbor is doing.  Make sure you are aware of how he obtained something because of affirmative action or welfare.  Be sure to note the abuses of the social insurance programs created for the masses.  But do not watch what the man behind the curtain is doing to unravel a great society.  Ignore information from people who don't look like you who talk about abuses within the institutions created - work, religion, housing, entertainment and sports.  Scream about socialized health care and applaud the mandatory automobile insurance coverage.  When your employer lays off your hard working co-workers you are reminded of how bloated the civil service process is - while you wait in a long line to get your marriage license or unemployment check.

No Guts, No Glory

People forget that they sometimes have to advocate for themselves.  In the past two days I have shared so much with people close to me.  But being an advocate means that I had to know what it was that I want.  And after making that decision I had to take a chance and speak up for myself.  So hard, because it would have been easier to just be a dumped person or a loser.

No Joy Today

It has been very hard lately to connect with people in my family.

My son is in his own little iPhone music-secluded world.

My daughter is trying to live on her own, but always seems to be in need of something.

My wife...that's a story.  But it is for another day.

I am struggling right now to do what I know are the right things. I am tired of caring and wanting to be there for others.  I am sad because I just feel like an open wallet or the doorman at my house.  Cook, dishwasher, laundry boss, janitor would all fit into this nicely as well.  I can't seem to find much energy for people outside either, because the world is a fractured and divided place.  Republicans and Democrats spend their time convincing the base of the party that the other is destroying our country.  Blacks

don't like Whites.  No one likes the Mexicans.  We have completely forgotten about the Native Americans.  As long as the Asians stay quiet, do well in school and build better things for us, we are OK with them.

I really just want to leave this all behind me and stay in an off-the-grid solar, wind, and energy efficient home where I can stare out at majestic scenery all day, cook myself organic and healthy meals and walk through that scenery to remind myself that it does not have to be the way I feel inside.  I know that there is beauty and with beauty comes ugliness.  I know there is kindness and the converse of that is meanness. I know many generous and giving people who more than make up for the greed and stinginess I see daily.  I have to spend more time with these creators of harmony, peace and joy.