grieving the past

since 2006 just started i wanted to take a preemptive strike for all the losses we will have in this year. we are going to lose family and friends. this is especially true at my age of 49. those we know begin to have illnesses related to age and consumption. we drank or ate too much. we played to hard and did not exercise enough. we watch as the heroes and sheroes of our celluloid youth die. not that we really knew them but they help us mark time. i can remember the losses. i can anticipate the losses. both my parents are old and have survived well. my father has diabetes and is overweight. my mother has had kidney problems and now has dementia. i do not know how long each of them has; as i do not know how long i have myself. when i was younger, i was an exercise freak. i rode my bicycle to work; i walked the lakes; i walked to the nearby grocery store. i did not need a health club. i was vibrant. i now have children and we rush from here to there in anticipation of having better life. we rush from school and work to get home so we can get our chores/homework done; then we rush off to rock climbing or swimming at the club.

we are seeing the demise of many of our electronic friends. i have CDs; my daughter bought herself and iPod before Christmas. She now customizes her music the ways she wants, much like I did with cassetes and CDs. i was one of the early converts. yes, i loved my vinyl records. i loved the portability of the Walkman and i even own and MP3 player. i have a PDA and now a Blackberry so i do not have to have both cell and PDA. i shoot both film and digital cameras and enjoy both for different reasons. i watch and listen as the criers begin their death knell for film. it has become epic in terms of what is considered photography. we own a portable DVD player for car trips. we own this and that. we have books on tape, and books on DVD. we have GPS that replaced my compass. we have backpacks and suitcases with wheels so we protect our backs. we have travel mugs to keep our organic certified fair trade coffee the right temperature. we have REAL books and magazines. we have a dog and a bird and guinea pig.

so what is it that i am likely to lose this year? a lens cap for my camera or perhaps a body cap. i am going to miss some killer scenery while i fiddle with one of my electronic devices meant to assist me in capturing that once in a lifetime momemnt. i am going to miss a meal; a story; a glimpse into the future while my kids are playing. i am going to lose a friend and perhaps a parent. i already miss siblings that have strained relationships with me because of the conflict as to how our parents should be treated. i am going to lose my hair as it continues to thin. i am going to lose my hearing because it either just happens or i am exposed to so much ambient noise. i am likely to lose an emotional battle with myself related to some personal issue. i hope i can lose some of the accumulated weight and some of the accumulated stuff that goes along with the weight gain. i am likely to see another Richard Pryor or Hepburn or James Earl Jones die in my life. some of those news anchors have gotten long in the tooth as well.

in the midst of all this loss, i want to stop and enjoy the moment rather than the anticipation of what i might ___________.