Slow and sorrowful process

Yesterday was the first day of the travesty of the destruction of our family. My sister paraded and pranced around in front of the court justifying her irrational and inconsiderate behavior. She started by having the entourage escorted from the courtroom under the premise that she would be calling some of them as witnesses. My father was one of these. He was kept in the hallway all day while she lined up her peons to lie about any number of events that have not happened. I was not there, but I did receive official updates. Here is nugget. My sister would like a permanent injunction against me and my brother. She has to do these crazy things to justify her outrageous and outlandish behavior. I am so angry now that I have no compassion for her. She deserves exactly what happens when they hit her upside her head with the legal two-by-four when this is all over. Not sure of the details but it probably involves her supervising any visit I might have with my mother in the future. I guess she knows just how little respect I now have for her. I sincerely hope that the judge is rational enough to understand that 1) this should never have come to the attention of the court; 2) that my sister is the most dangerous of the siblings with respect to my mother; 3) that her lack of respect for the opinion and feelings of others (including our mother) is exactly why this should be dismissed. After dismissal the court should not only impose sanctions against HER, but require her to compensate us for mental duress, legal fees and travel expenses. Somehow, I doubt that any of that will happen. She may prevail. Even without that happening, I know that this family is forever changed. This is what happens in other people's families. We have always managed to address what ever griefs we have and return to normalcy. This will re-define normalcy forever. I am now done fighting. She can do as she likes. This family photo just lost someone. Like Marty McFly in Back to the Future there won't be anyone there, when the photos are reviewed. Not that someone is missing, simply as if she never existed. Blanked from my memory.

About ta

Those of you who have children or have had children living with you will understand that short phrase here. Another version of it is "Fixin ta..." do something or the other.

Yesterday on the way to church one of the kids said something to me. I responded and the response in return was "I was about ta...." This really got me to thinking about all the things in life that we are about ta address: civil rights, gay rights since there are so many who believe that are homosexual and lesbian kin should have only some protections under the law. I think it means we are about ta legalize some kinds of discrimination.

We are about ta take a serious look at global warming.

We are about ta decide what should happen in Iraq since we have had no coherent strategy heretofore.

We are about ta look at the disparity between minimum wage and poverty again.

In Minnesota we are about ta consider what it means to spend taxpayer money on a stadium for which we are not likely to collect fees for the many services and vendors there. That money would rightfully belong to the team owners who negotiated outlandish deals for tax incentives and breaks based on the employment certainty of x number of people.

We are about ta head into winter here in the Northern Plain States. It is happening later and later each year (but that is not related to global warming!) and even if it is what realistically can we do to reverse of slow the certainly inevitable process. Why should we restrain ourselves?

We are about ta look at making the MOA larger. On the news tonight I heard someone say it would be happening to the largest mall in world (I thought the one in Edmonton held the record). So what are you about ta do?

Meanings

What do you mean when you say, "We can't." We can. We always could and always will be able to do so. We are a family that has not yielded power without cause. We have avoided the ravages of social pressure and maintained a balance between the dualism of rampant capitalism and social justice. We have avoided the plagues of incarceration, chemical dependency and nihilism so common is society. We have weathered the storms of divorce and poverty and war and now we are losing all the gained ground while we wrestle with the treachery of treason. You figure it out. In a communal society, the needs (and desires) of the one will by necessity have to yield to the logical and collective desires of the many. This is a tragedy if for no other reason that we have to divide our resources rather than channel them in constructive and collaborative efforts. We are succumbing to the same law that has previously kept us physically and mentally captive. Cooperate with your oppressor and experience the wrath of your own. If you continue to be a parasite, we have to eradicate you.

What a meandering rant. Sometimes I simply have to go with the stream of conciousness and allow the words and ideas to flow. I know it is not coherent to most of you. But then again, I continue to struggle with the reasonings. As long as I do not have some sense of comprehension, I will not find the answers that I seek. A conundrum you say. Yes, it is.

Thankfulness

There is nothing formidable about my determination. I would simply ask that you find your own cistern of unquenchable strength. We have the love, kindness and commitment already in us. We simply have to find a way to use it. One day at a time, one step at a time, with the constant assistance of our friends and loved ones. We are all magnificent. We simply are. Use your resources.

People will do evil. There is little that we can do to prevent evil. We can all shout out about the evil we see. Simply tell the truth. For the truth shall always prevail. Until the very rocks cry out. We will all make our peace. Each one of us has to do what is right. No one else can tell us. We have to hear with our hearts and minds. We have to feel with our eyes and ears. We have to know with our total being.

I am.

Traditions Change

We all have  traditions.  Macaroni and cheese.  Greens.  Today my wife mentioned that we are
 having a classic Thanksgiving meal.  It includes the turkey of course and potatoes.  That is where our traditions diverge.  She mentioned broccoli and olives and some other things that have not been part of my traditional Thanksgiving.  I mentioned there was no macaroni and cheese, nor ribs, nor ham.  Not that I wanted these meal additions.  I only wanted to comment that we have to be careful when we start to talk about Tradition...of course we all like to romanticize our recollections of the TRADITIONS we survived to revive.  Some of those are great and some we hated.  Some we simply allowed to creep back in to existence because of ennui or apathy.  

Here is what I remember about Thanksgiving.  See if this approximates yours and share yours with me.  

Wake up at least an hour before sunrise so we could drive out to the country chapel and get it warmed up for the Sunrise Service.  Maybe have some of the church mothers prepare a breakfast feast for those who braved the Tennessee winter.  Back home in time to catch part of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on NBC.  Kids were then rushed outside to allow the older kids and adults to cook, clean and set tables.  Stuff ourselves with all manner of food shared with any number of kinfolk who happened to have needed a place to go for the day.  These might be actual relatives, but included students, singles from the churches, and friends of my sisters.  I am sure I have missed something.  But it was Rockwellian-like if you can think of the Cosbys as a Rockwell family.  We had our own versions of the tolerated (barely) unruly relative, too.  As I write about this I begin to wonder what these Thanksgiving celebrations will be like in the future.  Ms POA has taken my mother to Charleston.  That is out of state and I am certain that she does not have one of the ubiquitous CNAs accompanying her.  But then she would not need that as she is specially qualified to care for our mother.  I spoke with my Mama yesterday.  She was confused and needed some calming.  I will try her again today when things have settled down here.  We will perhaps have a preview of what Thanksgivings of the Luther family future will look like.  My sister, my brother and I sitting around somewhere telling stories with our dad about the traditions of our family.  It will start like this, "Remember when we used to grumble about having to get up before dawn to go to...."  Of course, the Rev will have a slightly different recollection of this.  Who knows?

Life as We Know It!

Where did you get your values? Were you present when they handed out the Rule Book? Apparently I was not. I do not know where I was. Perhaps I was not invited to the convocation! Maybe I am an Undesirable or some other kind of pariah. Whatever the reason, I missed out. Did you?

Here is what I speculate! I was out watching the sunset or watching the waves pound against a beachhead somewhere. They probably called and I was in that state of contentment and zoned all the outside world out. There was likely even a second call. I was probably cleaning house, or coaching volleyball for the kids. It was on my calendar, but the really important stuff in life took precedence to this simple formality. I was proably expecting one of those mid-dinner calls from my concerned Rule Book provider so that I could stay in the Rule Book good graces without my being reported to the violator of the Rule Book reporting agency. Since I usually do not answer the phone when we are having family time (dinner, movies, etc.) I missed out. They could have left a recording on voicemail that I probably have not listened to yet. The time limit for redemption will soon expire (if it already hasn't). They probably turned it over to the Rule Book Violator Forgiveness agency. Those letters are likely in that stack of mail on my desk that I get to when I am not chauffering kids to practice or games or interacting with them.

My intentions are good. I will think about after I put the kids to bed; the dishes and laundry though become the primary task at hand. Somewhere and somehow, I think we just have to make time between trips to the Post Office and drycleaners to read the everchangingcascade of new family rules.

1) Even though you should have access to your mother, we reserve the right to turn off the ringer on her phone, because it interrupts her time with the CNA.

2) Should you call and the ringer is off, the phone might roll over to voicemail; we reserve the right to disconnect the voicemail so that you may not leave a message.

3) If you per chance avoid Rules 1 and 2 and are able to talk with your mother, we will monitor the calls because you might say something that we personally disagree with. We can't have freedom of speech (unless it is our freedom- Remember WE are the Power Of Attorney).

4) We would never dial the phone to facilitate contact between you and your mother (even though we suspect you have tried to reach her unsuccessfully in the past).

5) Please do not confuse this enforcement of the Rules with anything you might call control or abuse. Remember Power of Attorney trumps all other rules. I make the rules and break them as I choose.

6) No mere non-attorney who does not have Power of Attorney dare challenge any of the rules above. You are not intelligent enough to understand the complicated system of Rules created simply to keep you from having a relationship with your mother.

7) Any challenge to the rules listed above will have more dire consequences for you. You may never speak with your mother again.

I think there are some more rules, but they have not been intimated to me yet.

PRIME DIRECTIVE: If you become enough of a nuisance, I will seek the fullest extent of Homeland Security Act to have you held without due process.

Manhood

i taught that rambunctious group of four and five year olds in Sunday School today. there were 42 of them...many of the boys were like swirling dervishes. knowing that boys do have a different kind of energy still does not mean we should allow them to run wild. but i do not know what we can do to contain and channel that enormous energy into healthy outlets. i usually have to take a nap when i finish my two hour stint. today was different. i was tired but also emotionally distraught. i stopped at Caribou and bought myself a medium chai latte. i took the long way home and found myself letting go of some of the grief that has been bottled up inside. grief about the changing family. my sister will have thoroughly alientaed herself from the rest of the family. my mother will truly never again be the sage and wily old woman i thought she would always be. i thought that there would be a chance for a miracle and a recovery. that recovery is likely not to happen as long as she is denied her freedom and she remains locked up inside the house there in GA. while i listened to the CD in my car tears began to drizzle down my face. no pretending is going to change that. there is a lot of emotion waiting for the right time to surface. keeping my nose to the grindstone...and putting one foot infront of the other. tomorrow will be a better day. tomorrow will be a better day. maybe.

Transcendental Stupidity

I work with a lot of people daily. Most are very nice people who have had some serious challenges in life. Every once in a while though I see something that reminds me that there are too many people who do not have both oars in the water. There is nothing in particular. It is cumulative like brain damage or severe CD issues. Eventually the effect just catches up with them....just too many stupid things done and no way easy back to reality. mom missed her visit today with her 9 month old. she was begging two days ago, but i am betting she found her old abusive flame who was happy to get her high and then slap her around a bit. she won't recall most of it because she takes her lithium when she wants to. i am already frustrated because we just don't have enough time, energy and resources to make all this happen. then there is my own crazy sister...busy suing family members as a method to resolve differences. of course being a lawyer, she has little concept of what is right or wrong - she is only concerned with proving her point. damn everything else. life is really just too short to leap off into these alternate realities. i am thinking i have to just live and let live. they can manage on their own. they will have to fight their own imaginary demons and if they survive perhaps they will have a stronger sense of reality...then again, maybe they will slip another notch on Jacob's ladder.
'

Each Day

i start out with the same 24 hours as everyone else. i settle in to my routine although i loathe to call it that. i check email, have some tea, let the dog out, head to the shower and either get kids up, if they are here, or leave for work, if they are not. nothing wrong with the routine. it works for me. sometimes i squeeze in time to write or to educate myself a bit on world affairs. sometimes i think about what life might be like if _____________ (You fill in the blank!)

lately though i have had just awful pangs of creativity that continue to bubble through my mundane psyche screaming to be given a voice - a chance to be expressed. most days i manage to quelch that before i lose my mind or my job. some days though i allow myself to ask the questions. why am i here? what else am i supposed to be doing besides Child Protection? Is there more? i know some of you are thinking this is just a mid-life crisis. i had those starting in my late twenties. i am the original angst-driven man. think every maudlin man you have ever seen. i am he and he is me. i was an emotional midget in the original family. the pendulum swung too far the other way when i escaped. hopefully i have moderated some of that in the past few years, but ever aware of what might become.

Trouble Man

I was at court again today. Another TPR trial...this being one of the first times I hoped that the parent did not arrive on time. A default hearing was what I needed. I just get up on the stand and talk about all the deficits of the parent. Not today. She was late and I had a fleeting moment when I thought I might avoid this horror. You ask, "What is so horrible?". Today her 11 year old son was in court. I had to say all these awful things about this child's mother in his presence. He sat there in the court room, doe-eyed and innocent looking. I am sure he knows that his mother is mentally ill. Why would this child have begged for asylum within the foster care system? Still no child wants to have participated in the process - no matter how many times we tell them that it is "in the child's best interests". That is the standard.

We left court and went back to my office for a supervised visit. After the visit, this woman who hated me just an hour before wanted a ride home and took the offer for lunch at Subway without blinking an eyelash. She offered to repay me for the orange soda, but not for the 12" subway she wolfed down. She was thankful as we approached her mother's house.

Each one of these trials takes a bit more of my soul away. Why do I have to do this? Could we not find someone else to take the black children away from the teats of their mothers. Am I evil incarnate or am I one of the guardians of the gate? Who is protecting the Black children from the parents? It is an odd position to be in. Of course I know this child already does not know his father. He was deported to Antigua some threee years ago. Antigua? Deportation to Antigua is a consequence for the domestic violence? Deportation should be to some place like Siberia; not Antigua.