Unchain My Heart

My nearly 16-year-old daughter has made up her mind that she is capable of making all of her life decisions. She wants to go to Lincoln, NE for the summer. She wants to spend all of the summer there. Cold and heartless. She wants to go and stay with her foster mom...as long as we take care of all her medical, dental, financial, therapeutic and social needs from here.

Location, Location, Location

Location, Location, Location, originally uploaded by lucienphoto.

We live in a different world today. We replace; we don't repair. We upgrade just because we can afford to do. We eat out rather than eat together. We are keeping up with the Palins and the Bachmanns. We listen to those people who espouse our ideals rather than keeping an open mind. We laugh (sometimes under our breath) at those who are different than we are.

We seek the new; the novel rather than tried and true. We always think of ourselves first and the others later (if at all). Kindness is something we are the recipients of, yet seldom the givers of. What is wrong with us?

I wish I had the answer.

Memorials

For at least a couple of weeks now I have been contemplating the holiday weekend. A photo shoot; time to simply sit and relax for a bit. The work week mornings have been incredible. I get up early enough to hear the birds twitter. The days have been great weather-wise. Today is Saturday, May 29, 2010. BP may have finally stopped the flow of oil into the Gulf of Mexico. Minneapolis is on a record-setting pace for murders. Gary Coleman died. Earlier this month Lena Horne died. I am getting old.

But the reason I am writing today is simple. There are so many people that have greater expectations for others than they do for themselves. President Obama is allegedly foregoing the DC Memorial Day tribute to be on vacation (near family and friends in Illinois). Rumor is that President Obama will be at a Memorial Day celebration near where he is vacationing. That simply is not good enough for many. Additionally, this man is under so much pressure to cap the oil spill in the Gulf; resolve the financial/employment problems here in the US and just getting something done.

It's BP's oil spill, but now the people are ranting that the government should step in and address the problem. We want small government with minimal interference but we also want the government to be by our side when tragedy happens. We can't have it both ways. Why can't we elect leaders instead of politicians; trust the leaders we elected and go on about our daily lives? Why can't we let the press keep us informed as to how the politicians are doing and enjoy the fruits of our productivity?

May I?

Mother, May I?, originally uploaded by lucienphoto.

They all start out cute, cuddly, compliant. They grow up and become their own person. Sometimes we are pleased with the results. Sometimes we are not happy. Each child is her/his own person. At some point each has the unique right to destroy/build according to his/her own design a life. Our job as parents is to give them the tools to do this and hope for the best. That is the true test. Ask yourself, have you given the child the tools that you think will be needed to make good choices? Have you been as attentive as you could be? At some point they may no longer ask permission.

Crossing Over

Crossing Over, originally uploaded by lucienphoto.

I am at the crossroads of many things in my life. My daughter is growing up and growing away. I think too fast; she thinks I am dull and overcautious. I think she is unrealistic about her skills and abilities. Ultimately the decision will be hers. She is too big to do much with these days. Reasoning is what I have as my tool right now. We see things differently. She sees unlimited opportunity and I see possibilities but those possibilities have challenges associated with them. The baggage she carries worries me.

My challenge then is to let go and see what kind of help I need to be prepared to offer, if any at all.

My days are filled with distress and despair. The families are hurting. Few services are available to them and they squirm and fall deeper into an abyss of dysfunction and isolation. Poverty sucks.

But today I am sitting at the MSP airport waiting for a flight to ATL to visit with my mother. Hopefully this will be a good trip. She is stronger than she has been for some time now. The potassium that was sucking the energy out of her has been eliminated from her meds and her diet. Adelante.

Say What

My work consumes a ton of energy. My work is about kids and families. Sometimes we are successful with changing the relationships and sometimes not. I picked up my own child today. We were talking (a semi-serious conversation) about something she wants to do. Chirp goes her phone. She is busy texting her friends back. I just shut down. We talked last week about how she does not feel like I pay attention to her. She told her therapist she wants to work on our relationship but she is not willing to do anything at all. I have to make all the advances. I have to make all the changes. I have to give when there is an impasse. I have to do what she wants to do, lest she run again.

She lied about Mothers's Day. She lied about getting her mid-quarter grades. She seems to have trouble accepting what others may think of as true. She doesn't want to protect my feelings. She seems to want to protect her own. Say what!?

...I hate you.

those three words...are uttered in total frustration from a teen daughter who thinks her cell phone is her birthright. For me it just signifies the ongoing objectification of relationships. My frustration stems from the "expectation" that she turn it off at 9:00 p.m. weekdays and 11:00 or so on weekends. But the data shows that she has 1) texted all night with friends (then was too tired for school) 2) talked all night with friends 3) texted during school hours 4) goodness knows what else since I can't as easily track her web use.

Shrieks the daughter...I am almost 16 and I pay for my phone. Must be a debt paid in expletives and piles of laundry on the floor of her bedroom or unwashed dishes in the kitchen sink.

Part of me relishes the idea that my punishment will be that she will "hole up" in her bedroom trading tragic stories with her teenaged girlfriends. Part of me longs for the simpler days when homes had but one phone and maybe a long cord for "privacy" and text was something seen in a newspaper, magazine article or a book.

But I am half-way through the tough times with this one if she keeps her promise to vacate the premises on her 18th birthday. But I have a son who will just be entering those volatile and vitriolic years as well. Time will tell. Time will tell.