Control?

The holidays are upon us.  This is the first year in many that I have looked forward to Christmas.  There is good reason. I have learned so much about myself in the past month.  I have been hurt and I have allowed that hurt to come between me and so many people.  At some point, though I decided that I could not just go on in drone-like fashion.  Sleep, feed and walk the dog, go to work, and then feed and walk the dog, get some dinner and watch NCIS and Jeopardy, then call it a night.

I don't like owing people - money, time, favors.  I hate having to ask for something in return.  Part of it is not wanting to be disappointed.  Another very important part of it is making sure no one has his/her hooks in me.  Emotionally, I just wanted to maintain distance.  The more distance, the less likely I was to experience new hurts.  I think I was just so certain that I could keep the pattern of getting through one day at a time and waiting for some miracle for the next day to be better.  Less hurt, less fear of being hurt, less chance of getting hurt.

I gave the world my best and just trudged on daily, not knowing if and when I could see past the brick wall that I had been building up around myself.  I was a good soldier.  I have a quick disarming smile, and a helpful engaging personality.  I can and often do more than might be considered fair, but giving is easy for me.  Receiving is another beast, though.  Not taking, but simply allowing others to share as I have so often shared.  Receiving meant being vulnerable. It means being receptive towards someone. It meant I was not going to be in control.  CONTROL...my nemesis.

The Week in Meditative Muse Land

1. POTUS works to stabilize the relationship the US has with Cuba.  In the process an American is freed with the assistance of the Pope.  POTUS works with a major Christian cleric to achieve what so many have wanted.  It backfires.  Some Cuban-Americans think POTUS' actions are traitorous. 
2. Sony computer system is hacked and secret documents are leaked.  The leak gives information about how the executives think of their actors, society in general and women.  Later we find out that the North Koreans are to blame.  The story quickly transforms into Sony versus the actors guild.  This is also considered an act of cyber terrorism.  US is more concerned about the withdrawal of the movie, The Interview, than the problem with one more closed computer system being infiltrated.  
3. Mall of America decides it will not allow protestors into MOA during the busy holiday season.  Bloomington PD meets with organizers hoping to avoid arrests.  How very interesting that the police are trying to avoid conflict and violence in this situation.  
4. Witness #40 in the Grand Jury Process is exposed.  I am sure this story is just beginning to develop.  
5. The Bear, Putin, watches while the Russian economy tanks, probably due to petrochemical prices.  Putin blames the US embargo.  
6. Elizabeth Warren is a holdout on the awful budget proposal because Citigroup dumps language that brings us closer to the next financial brink.  

Patriotism and Anarchy

Question: What is the difference between the protests in Ferguson and New York and around the nation in support of the people who are claiming over reach by police in some jurisdictions and the unlawful armed insurrection at the Bundy ranch earlier this year?

Cliven Bundy

Right Wing Radicals

Why didn't those law-abiding patriotic citizens obey the law enforcement agents? Was there a consequence for non-compliance?

1 Answer: No one was arrested.

I Can't Breathe

The past few months has given us all an indication of where we fit into other people's lives.  This is not always a racial thing. Sometimes it is political, financial, social, spiritual or personal ideology.

Ferguson, Missouri

Minneapolis, MN 

Cleveland, OH

New York, New York

It is not just black male youth.  We have forgotten the stories of the children who were killed in the mass shootings.  We have forgotten the story about the young woman in the auto accident who was shot by the homeowner.  We have forgotten about the violence against women.  We have overlooked the abuse of children and women by the athletes in their lives.  We have ignored the messages and lessons from children found in secret hiding places.  We have been bombarded with the stories of sexual abuse in the church and by celebrities.  We are overwhelmed with mass shootings.  We are tired of police vigilantism .

The people are at each other's throats, thirsting for blood or answers or direction or something other than what we have had.  We are killing ourselves.  We are killing our children, our neighbors, our parents, our lovers, our planet.  We have to stop. 

Enough Already!

There are many people who are not clear about the grand jury and the lack of an indictment. There are many daily small injustices in the world. I see the evidence of those. We each have an anecdote about something tragic and awful that happened to someone who fits more comfortably into a demographic we favor. We can't trade in despair and tragedy. Each loss of a human life is a cause for sorrow. From the aborted fetus to the wrongfully accused and convicted death row inmate. Each injustice is a human scar we can not erase. We each carry this with us as human beings.

We are not each other's enemy and we must stop having this discussion as if we are. Mike Brown was someone's son; possibly someone's brother. Many of the people who are protesting simply think that "stealing cigars" may not have been cause for the events between Mike Brown and Darren Wilson. Both are unwitting participants in our national paralysis regarding race/ethnic relationships here. Neither wanted to be a catalyst for the protests/rioting/apologists/deniers that have arisen from this confrontation.

Darren Wilson is also someone's son, and neighbor. He has become the most recent poster child for the brutality that our community is experiencing. When I say our I mean the collective our - not the black community, or the Ferguson community, not even the urban community. The violence, poverty, disparities directly and indirectly affect all of us.

We can mourn for Mike Brown and his family and still hope that there is justice in the future. If we do not begin to address the issues that have percolated up from the depths of our unconsciousness we will continue to make the same mistakes in future interactions between the Mike Brown and the police in more of our communities.

Reach across the political divide. Talk to someone of another economic class. Have a coffee with another color-collar worker. We spend our time and energy trying to convince other people that our story is as valid as the other, while not hearing the sincerity and authenticity of that story. It is not a zero sum game.

Snow and Cold

Winter came early this year.  Many people are complaining about it.  One thing I have learned is that complaining just makes it worse.  It makes more sense for me to simply get out and deal with it.  Boots, warm gloves, hat, scarf and an appropriate jacket.  I live in Minnesota, so I have many jackets.  Warm weather, rain gear, dry and snowy, wet snow, dreadful cold.  Each of these can be supplemented with a sweater or some other kind of layer.  Once I get outside I am usually fine.  I like hearing/feeling the sound of boots on snow or ice - listen some time when you are out.  I focus on breathing - through my nose to warm the air entering my lungs.  I like the chilling breeze on my exposed cheeks.   I love the sensation of being able to be outside in the cold without it being a challenge.  I like the muffled quietness.

Music

Music has a remarkable way of transporting people through and across time.  You hear that song from high school or college and you can be momentarily carried away in the mood and mindset of that time.  Sometimes it is really great to visit memory lane.

Other times music can be healing, transformative or a transmitter or facilitator for difficult emotions.  I have been listening to old rhythm and blues on Pandora.  Mostly Gladys Knight and the Pips, Teddy Pendergrass, The O'Jays, interspersed with Chicago and Michael McDonald.  Those old songs told stories of love and lust, hurt and trust, right and rights, wrongs and longings.  Have a listen to some songs on your favorite streaming station.  Listen to the words.  Hear the desire to connect.  The devastation of being vanquished from one's life.  Hear the joy of being in love, and loving someone.

KaBoom

The beautiful autumn I anticipated is starting to come to a dramatic close.  The yellows are so brilliant right now with the sunny days we have had.  I have spent lots of time walking and immersing myself in this splendor of color and testament to a full life.  Seasons exist for a reason - one is to simply appreciate differences.  Each of these seasons has beauty.  If you are always comparing Spring to Autumn you are likely to not enjoy the special qualities of either.

Things did not work out for me and the lovely lady.  I was hurt.  I was desolate for a some time, too, trying to figure out what happened...what I did wrong.  I may never know, but I can't stop living just because this one individual rejected me.

I could write about what she is going to be missing.  That would not really make me feel better.  I wanted her to hurt like I did for a while, but I let that go, too.  No reason to engulf myself in pity and miss out on all the rest that life has to offer.  There is plenty of beauty and happiness to go around.  I have to leave myself open to recognizing it and then allowing myself to experience it.

Pop Up Performance

Saturday afternoon was a beautiful time in Minneapolis.  The weather seems to be slightly warmer than normal and there was a gentle fall breeze.  Earlier in the week I had received notice of a Pop Up performance - Drum and Dance - at the Capri theater.  I was tired already after a full day of work, running back and forth with coffee and copies and making sure everyone was taken care of at the Foster Parent training session, but this Pop Up looked like fun.

It was.  It was just starting when I pulled into the neighborhood and I could hear the beat of the drums.  Mostly youth playing and college age kids.  Adults scattered around the Capri plaza area, with a table in corner with food - Sambusas from Safari Express.  Someone had also made some cake.  There was something to drink.  Here are a couple of images.  Sometimes you have to be willing to break your routine to find a few moments of joy or happiness.

Enough

We keep talking about the government as if it is an entity that we don't know. We fund the government and choose the government we want. The current administration has taken an active role in protecting our borders. Perhaps if we think about the kinds of resources we need to curb the flow of terrorists and border crossings, we can think about how we can best allocate dwindling resources. 

Too often I hear people pick one issue to develop an opinion about a political process. If the administration is to blame, we all share in it. We nitpick, we refuse to get the work done, we spend our limited time and resources making mountains out of molehills. We have chosen to make politics into a win-lose proposition and every election is viewed as a mandate for the next swing in the increasing arc pendulum. 

If a family were as dysfunctional as the elected/appointed representatives we would imagine how remarkably unhappy the children and partners would be. Too many miserable families make up a poorly functioning community. Too many unhealthy communities means more and increasingly more dysfunction as we climb the community ladder - city, county/parish, state, nation. 

I imagine my parents are watching us and hoping we can find a way to right this vessel. Stop the incessant bickering and get back to being productive and happy citizens. It is a struggle we will always have, but we can do it better than we have in the past two or so decades. We all have to make some adjustments, each and every one of us. 

It isn't a Christian vs non-Christian issue. It is not a liberal vs progressive vs conservative vs moderates vs independents issue. It is not Occupy Wall Street "nihilists" vs capitalists vs Randian capitalists vs socialists. It isn't black vs white vs Latino vs Asian vs Native issue. 

It is the future of the United States of America issue. Who do we want to be? Not who we were 100 or 200 hundred years ago, but who we are today and who we want to be tomorrow. Together or balkanized into separate continuously warring fiefdoms/caliphates/regions.

Nothing At All

I am still trying to wrap my head
around this recent situation

I think I could accept
her reasons if I heard them.

My mind wanders into all kinds of places
Searching for puzzle pieces
in the dark and murky waters
of despair and sorrow.

It has me reconsidering my dream
Maybe I am not ready for more
I know that I want to try
But that may not be enough

In the endless chasm of fault
I am looking only at my self
Hoping to take my dented heart
Off the safe and dusty shelf

Echoed promises
Patient with hope
Work and life dull
Sleep is but momentary escape

Cryptic missives
Silences augurs injuries
Already perceived
Mind tricks, life sticks

Whiplash

Ring, ring, the telephone rings...Dad, a sadness in the voice on the other end.  I just need to talk for a couple of minutes.  Are you coming into the store this morning?  Yes, I will be there momentarily.  Put my aching heart back into the protective case and open the corner zipper so that I can feel something.  I am scared; I am angry; I am frustrated; how can I help?  Just listen and help me think of a plan to deal with this.  One of my friends suggested we put the rules into writing.  What a great idea, I say!

Back home from the dog park and the phone rings.  Your child is having a crisis and I need your help right away.  Be right over.  Please get up and out of bed so that you can get to school on time.  I am not going this child says.  School doesn't matter and I am not learning anything there anyway.  Please tell us what is bothering you.  Silence...more silence and then an angry gush of emotion and hurt coming cascading from this child's mouth.  We were not successful in getting him to school on time.

I rush to DT office to drop off  PROJECTOR for work.  I get there and realize I left it in the storage closet in the training room.  No one has specifically asked for this projector though and since I am feeling barraged and overwhelmed with just the morning's events, I simply turn and go home.

Ring, ring, ring...what's wrong with your child?  This child scared the dog and is screaming something about how he "...hate the bitch"!  I will be back shortly and this child's mother is en route to deliver this child to school.

Peace while I write.  I pen a quick text to one and try to avoid looking at the possibility of a response.  I should not anticipate any response any how.

Breathe...breathe...breathe!

KaSi

Every time you unlock the kevlar vest around your heart you risk having someone look for the opening.  I knew all along it was a possibility, but I had not anticipated that it would be like this.  Instant connection and promises of something.  Just as quickly as it started, it came racing to an unanticipated and abrupt end, marred by an incredibly confusing text message.  Stunned I have asked why and have heard that "...it's not me..." and that an actual phone call would be forthcoming...but that was two weeks ago.  I have to let go and move along, as there is nothing to see here.  No wreckage or damage that others need to gawk at.  No visible scars; no tears, no harm and no foul.

Letting go when I don't know why makes it awful.  But in order for me to do better I have to simply assume the worst and forgive.  I can use this feeling to be so careful in the future while I try to be genuine and open while still zipping up that kevlar vest again.

Sometime

Sometimes your heart wants what your head tells you not

Others the spirit questions and whispers to you no!

Time and again, we get out of synchronization

Pulled this way and pushed that way by familiar sensations

Comfort, temptation, nurture, sleep, privations

All nudge and push and pull us so

Whispering promises not ready to keep

Listen with your ears...see with your eyes

Feel with your heart

Let go

Training Day

I know that it is work, because when I finish the presentation I am drained.  It is not a simple stand in front of people and give them statistics and helpful hints.  It is an informed dialogue to help prepare them for the realities of relative foster care and more often than not permanent relative care.

But I love to see the degrees of acceptance and recognition when they are acknowledged as a crucial and very important part of a team process.  Many are doing this love-work because they can't bear to see children displaced and separated from families.  For many African-Americans and Native-Americans this has historical roots in slavery or boarding school placements.

Hooray to the new group of foster parents working with us to secure a better future for the children.

Be Impeccable with Your Word

http://www.toltecspirit.com/four-agreements/impeccable-word/

The first and most profound of don Miguel’s Four Agreements is Be Impeccable with Your Word. While this seems fairly straight forward it takes on many subtle and profound aspects as you begin to practice. Very simply to be impeccable with your Word is to use your Word in the direction of love and truth. It’s not as simple as it sounds.

Sounds easy, but living this is a challenge.  

Change

As summer splashes into autumn
And the leaves dry and krinkly are crushed under boots 
As the days shorten and cool
While nights envelope us in her favorite tool
I think of you and laughter and dancing eyes
Lilted voices and casual strolls through those krinkled leaves
Minutes melting into hours
Phone calls crossing nebulae
Light bending while sound warps into joy
Hearts laughing and open filling with glee
Fear at bay for now

Hope

There is a certain irony in how quickly life can change.  One day everything is OK and it is full steam ahead.  The next is a day of uncertainty and sudden change of heart.  We have all experienced it.  It leaves devastation in the wake of sadness, remorse, hope, despair.

notes

I deactivated my Facebook page recently.  I did not delete it.  I simply needed a break from hostility and conflict. I chose to take care of myself because being around negative people is not healthy for me.  I don't usually fend it off well.  But in my haste to escape I forgot that I have posted some of my best creative writing in the notes section.  I am going to copy them over the next few days and leave them here.

Change  July 6

Yesterday is something we have to define for ourselves.

My list looks like this:

consumerism

unabashed use of fossil fuels

resistance to change

hurt and anger that does not motivate me to be better

old ideas that have not survived the tests of time

callousness

statism...

political partisanship...

I can envision a better tomorrow:

cooperation

forgiveness

patience

justice...

Some of the changes take time and thoughtfulness, but maybe cooperation can invigorate the process. It is a journey not an event. 

Quiet Sunday

The boy is sniffly and sneezy.  He is passed out on the couch because he doesn't want to miss any of the football games that he is pretending to watch.  It's OK with me though, because it has given me time to make a tasty shepherd's pie and to finish off a couple loads of laundry, too.  I have already logged about 5 miles walking both dogs twice today.  Probably have to go out one more time.
J has not decided about the next step at this time.  Surprise, surprise.