Control?

The holidays are upon us.  This is the first year in many that I have looked forward to Christmas.  There is good reason. I have learned so much about myself in the past month.  I have been hurt and I have allowed that hurt to come between me and so many people.  At some point, though I decided that I could not just go on in drone-like fashion.  Sleep, feed and walk the dog, go to work, and then feed and walk the dog, get some dinner and watch NCIS and Jeopardy, then call it a night.

I don't like owing people - money, time, favors.  I hate having to ask for something in return.  Part of it is not wanting to be disappointed.  Another very important part of it is making sure no one has his/her hooks in me.  Emotionally, I just wanted to maintain distance.  The more distance, the less likely I was to experience new hurts.  I think I was just so certain that I could keep the pattern of getting through one day at a time and waiting for some miracle for the next day to be better.  Less hurt, less fear of being hurt, less chance of getting hurt.

I gave the world my best and just trudged on daily, not knowing if and when I could see past the brick wall that I had been building up around myself.  I was a good soldier.  I have a quick disarming smile, and a helpful engaging personality.  I can and often do more than might be considered fair, but giving is easy for me.  Receiving is another beast, though.  Not taking, but simply allowing others to share as I have so often shared.  Receiving meant being vulnerable. It means being receptive towards someone. It meant I was not going to be in control.  CONTROL...my nemesis.