What A Creep!

i am officially beginning to repeat myself. not that this is unusual. i simply do not accept responsibility for it. but this morning i woke up, got up, let the dog out, came and wrote a few minutes and went back to bed. i was tired. not physically tired but emotionally worn out. yesterday i worked with a client who has a bad relationship with what i would consider to be a creepy guy. it is further complicated by her pregnancy. the little girl she is carrying has anacephaly. very sad; not really much i could offer her beyond a listening ear and some compassion. she knows the baby will not live but she is determined to love this child for every minute she shares air and space and love with us. she is OK with all this. her problem arises because the creep has asked her to move in with him - just as friends he warns and states that he will be dating other women. he can't tell his ex or his kids that she is pregnant and is relieved that this new baby will not be an issue. wishing it away.

so where does the repetition come in? in my head i was thinking, "What a creep"? i know this is not my issue but i think that so many women have been burned by so many creepy slimy repulsive (but attractive) guys that they (maybe we) give us a bad rap. i guess it was hard to focus on her issue when my stuff was getting in the way.

i guess that i am more museful and meditative than usual. any ideas or suggestions? 

Busy

What an incredibly busy weekend. Kids have friends; they like to spend time with their friends. It started with BK asking if she could go to her GF's house to do homework. I said yes. LK then wanted to have his BF over to see a movie. Could not squeeze both of those in on Friday. But Saturday is the practice for LK and the game for BK. Girls played hard. Beat by an older team playing in the lower division. It really was not fair, but a good exercise in how coaches like to stack the odds. Our coach is a blessing. She makes sure all the girls get some play time and she always finds a positive to tell the girls about how they played. This team has a couple of hotshots though. Inner city park board team and the abilities vary greatly. Two of these girls told the coach in front of the other less-skilled girls that they want to play on another team. I explained to BK that the world is full of blowhards and she should listen to the coach instead of the bag of wind. Apparently that motivational speech worked as she was definitely more engaged on Monday in practice.

LK had his buddy over for a movie. Val took the boys to see Eight Below. Apparently one of them was more interested than the other. I think I know that JT was bored. He has a bit of attitude and ADD (my semi-professional opinion). He and LK trashed the TV room (uncharacteristic of LK) and I had to re-fold the laundry that was waiting to be put away. I told JT that he was given a freebie as I know his dad would not be pleased to hear what had happened here. Same drill for LK. I told him I was shocked that he would let his friend do this to his own house. They left here and went to see Pink Panther with MCJ (my ex-wife). Apparently this one went over bigger. Lots of laughs and a less complicated plot.

Monday...we slept late. We ate late - pancakes and syrup. We picked up SK and headed off to the Conservatory at the Como Park Zoo. The moisture in the air there is well worth the trip in. Beautiful orchids. Kids played with koi in the two ponds. We looked at flowers and felt the warming sun. Lunch with Val at Annie's Parlour, by the U of M. Hamburgers for everyone except the old guy with high cholesterol...I had the chicken noodle soup and we split some fries. They were not quite as good as I remember, but they were crispy. Maybe if we had not been there at lunchtime or if it had been a late night after some serious carousing and tippling. We cruised on over to the Weissman, only to find it closed. Monday is a holiday at most museums. I just forgot. Home to some goofy silliness and a movie and drop SK off in time to rush home and get BK ready for basketball practice. Val ran in the door just as the kids were finishing up chicken noodle soup and grilled cheese on pancetta sandwiches. Val took BK; I dropped to watched toob with LK and he fell asleep from exhaustion. I think he is having a growth spurt again.

In between all this I shot a few patriotic images. One of them I call Trail of Tears; another is Internment. It was just one of those days when I had to think about what US Presidents have done. Not to ignore the good, but to add some reality to what our usual perspective is.

Graffiti

i pass this building many times during the course of my work week. last week i shot the images in B/W. this week in color. i guess i have some more work to actually get what my mind can see. suggestions are welcome. i want to help others see the ambiguity of the graffiti and the old decrepit building and the beauty of the art that hides some of the obvious hideousness of the broken glass and rust. i do not think i am there yet. work in progress like they say.

Productions

our kids almost never "have" to do anything. perhaps it is a reaction to having to do everything when i was a child. being PK meant every play, teaching Sunday School, singing (sleeping) in the choir and too many services. sometimes i wonder if i push them to try new things - like vegetables. maybe i just think that they will develop their own tastes in their own time. the photo here is from the holiday pageant at our church. i am not so sure i could convince my pre-teen daughter to put on a cow custome. perhaps my aversion to the have-to-do is simply my way of avoiding conflict. there is already so much of that in my job; why would i want to bring it home?  

Girls

I wanted my first child to be a girl. I thought I might have the extra energy required to instill confidence and strength into her. This is my daughter. She is all girl...she hates spiders - Shreiks! She is grossed out by many things that she formerly found attractive. So I guess I accomplished what I hoped for. Girls have a complex set of emotional states that they run through periodically. I say periodically because I am not privy to the schedule. Confident vs insecure; playful vs taciturn; giggly vs miserly; happy to sad in nanoseconds. It frustrates me to no end to see the apparent confusion she experiences. I know I can "help" by simply continuing to be "available" to her. I know that most of the time I will not have a clue what I have done "right" or "wrong" in any given moment. I know that her feelings are as fragile as The Glass Menangerie.

Most importantly I know that she will most likely traverse this desert and safely arrive on the other side of this process called maturation. Mean while, I am ready for The Perfect Storm, if that is any way possible. 

Trio

Sunday afternoon I had lunch with my wife, ex-wife and an old GF. Before you start thinking we are a bunch old kinky fruitcakes, let me explain. My ex and I were friends before and after we were married. Being married to each other was not good. We have stayed casual friends since a tough divorce. Enough said. The three of us went to school together a long time ago.

The GF was someone special who stayed in contact with me through my tough growing up years. Most people do this in their teens. I waited until I was in my twenties. I could blame my highly structured and dysfunctional family, but that would be glib and cliche. Let's just say I am a product of the very environment that is overtaking this country right now. Pseudo (Neo) Conservatism. Religious fanaticism in some circles, except you can't see your own fanaticism when it stares back at you in the mirror. We all look like Ward Cleaver when the tainted waters start your delusions.

We caught up on spouses (I am the standing joke of the group since I am on number 3), jobs, kids, a long term long distance romance and the status of what we have been doing for fun- remodeling, attending kid sporting events, photography, blogging, jewelry making, watching our neighbors watch us (probably my case only).

We ate at this wonderful little hip and treny restaurant, Psycho Suzi's Motor Lounge, where you can build your own Bloody Mary. They bring you a glass of vodka and a beer chaser. You go to the Bloody Mary bar and add your own fixins'. It was entertaining.

Being the center of my own Universe, I think we should shoot for this again next year. See I will be 50! Thanks for a great afternoon. It was fun to have perspective and a glimpse of my own pending maturity. Want to know more...go visit My Ex. She is quite a good writer and you can have her point of view.

Starvation Diet

Were it not for non-Black patrons the African-American artist here in the Twin Cities will most likely starve. Imagine...artists hanging out on the freeways, little signs dangling from their necks. Will paint for food. Will act for housing. Will make you cry for lodging and a warm cup of coffee. How do I know this? I don't...it is pure speculation on my part. Last Sunday afternoon (I know it was Super Bowl Sunday) I attended a FREE event at the University of Minnesota. A memorial annual FREE event showcasing some wonderful African-American and other talented people who wanted to celebrate the life, struggles and death of Martin Luther King, Jr. Song. Dance. Community.

The audience was mostly White. It got me thinking. It is the same when I go to the award-winning theater. It is the same when I go to the museum to see a retrospective about Gordon Parks (a local connection, no less). People here (meaning many African-American people) celebrate FUBU, and Lexus and Cadillac. They do not support local artists like actors, theaters, museums and galleries. What is that all about?

Thanks

I know two of the performers on this stage, or at least, have met two of them. One is the sister of one of my also longtime friends. The bass player players his instrument weekly at my church.

This was an annual event to commemorate the birth, life and works of Rev Martin Luther King, Jr.

A Boy Like That

 
A boy like that he killed your brother....and everything he his I am, too. I had a love...and it is all that I feel...I love him...there is nothing to be wrong. 

Keyboarding

last couple of days i have been listening to music in headphones. dual purpose; listen without disturbing others, but also leaving me with clarity and allowing me to experience the emotions that some music brings on. last night it was Angelique Kidjo and Annie Lennox. listening to the music loud enough to block out the cell phone, and the desk phone and the voices on the TV. most importantly though is the need to block the voices of the screaming children in my head. why are they screaming? because crack, cocaine and meth are taking over. mothers and fathers are doing whatever they can to get the drugs. these kids can't ask the questions now, but in five or ten years they are going to want to know what they did that was so horrible that Mom and/or Dad could not love them. congenital pain. a real disability. healing - expensive; actual cost - priceless when you figure in the cost of therapy and productivity declines and relationship dysfunction. movement and rhythm and exemplification. i remember everything you said to me - Annie Lennox.

thoughts on the way to other thoughts

 

that baby is still alive. testament to the power of the human will. she will have to be hospitalized for the next 1 or 2 months, but that gives me time to come up with a winning strategy. so many tubes and probes and monitors. how much is a human life worth? who is going to pay for all this? not the mother! our society pays the price one way or the other. i have been wiped out as i think about the price we pay in misery and dysfunction.

finished reading Paulo Coelho - 11 minutes. an interesting novel about love and sex and society's perspective on the two from a non-western culture perspective. i enjoyed the read. got me thinking about how i choose to value my time. so much of our lives are devoted to maintaining status quo and position in a culture we all purport to dislike! just think about the amount of energy we could have if we simply put our energy where we say we wish could. what will historians say about US culture and our still Victorian views of sex and concomittantly our views of women (keepers of sacred sex). how many emotional/psychological problems could we eliminate from the DSM-IV if we could remove the sin from genuine sex and get rid of the stigma.

another baby in the hospital today. this little girl is only three weeks old. she needed a spinal tap because of some neurological problems. there had better be a special place in heaven for all these innocent babies born into a world of confusion, misery and abandonment. we will have to watch her as well.

a thought on global warming. what if mother nature is allowing the warming to happen to kill off a few billion of us. great way to reduce the drain on our society. i fear that the wealthy will find ways to shield themselves from the natural selection process. are we ever really above the chaos and whimsy of nature? probably not, but there are those who certainly want to increase their odds. what if they are ones nature really wants to get? what if we need to rid ourselves of those who are most dependent on the fossil fuels? USA, EU then are damned. what happens when Mexico gets to 140 in the shade and all the rustbelters that headed off to AZ and NM have to move back to the rusting belts and cross into Canada for decent weather? Polar inversion...that is a good name for it. What will we call the dessication of the plains and the food belt?

just something to think about. 

Snow!

 
it is hard to believe that we are having almost no snow here this year. i hear it is the fault of a polar inversion. the poor folks in Russia are dying because it is so cold there. we Canadians and Minnesotans are whining because we can't ice fish or ski. we had to move the Winter Carnival events off to the north where there is a skosh more cold. i guess we all just get comfortable with our own weather, regardless of how uncomfortable it may be for us. let's say the polar inversion continues through our summer. we will be melting here in the great north, and i can only imagine what California, Texas, Nevada and New Mexico might be like. of course, we could have a cold summer...that would make us extremely irritable since we think it is too short to begin with. maybe humans who live in intemperate climates are supposed to be nomadic. we could migrate between the two great camping grounds. i would have to choose somewhere across the border to the north for summers and i think New Mexico would make a good wintering place. i could still ski there and not be too unbearably miserable. of course, we slaughtered the people so we could have the land. now it is all privately owned and we would have trespassing issues. i guess there might be some employment issues as well. of course, there would be the inevitable loss of the migrating party to famine, disease, SUV crashes, etc. it was just an idea anyway. i guess i will just have to enjoy the snow. 

Hell Week

-Every school year at colleges and universities around the US fraternities and sororities have pledge week, often referred to as Hell Week. Child Protection Services is just like that all the time. This has been a particularly hellish week. A two and one half day trial in which the parent whose rights we seek to terminate had his own mother testify against him. This was brutally painful for me even though I knew that it was coming. This same father requested that his mother not be allowed to see her own grandchild (this before she testified). The judge indicated other wise as she had travelled from another state to come here to offer her support to her son. She could not tell other than the truth, though and the truth was painfully obvious. This afternoon I have a hold hearing for a three day old baby who may not survive the week. Born cocaine positive, this child has serious medical problems. I know that God has a special place in heaven for these little children who were unfairly and unlovingly conceived and brought into this world. We only know that mother is in between jail cells in two or three counties awaiting charges and or sentencing on felony offenses. Although the other two court hearings this week were not psychologically demanding, they also took an emotional toll. The effect is somewhat cumulative and the process for re-humanization takes time. One mother who has an intelligent and creative child refuses to let him go and live with a family this thirteen year old picked out for himself. There is no issue with the family, only mother's selfishness as her son has always taken care of her. She recently completed her 18 chemical dependency treatment. I hope we can make it to the end of the month sobriety-wise for her. The probability is slim. Last, and surely, not least insignificant is the mother who repeatedly has gotten drunk and assaulted her own children. She swears she is off the sauce now, but impatiently wants us to return her tramuatized children to her immediately. She knows that she is cured, but does not accept that she has contributed to the trauma that her children have witnessed and experienced - a husband who viciously assaulted her; the sexual vicitimization of her six-year old daughter when she was too drunk to notice; and the cruel beating of her own son. So, how was your week?

It is the Egg!

 
i think it was the chicken that came first. the chicken was a mutation from some other animal...some little dinosaur-like thing that was able to survive in the primordial savanna. maybe because of its size or tenacity. maybe there were just so many.

how is it that i am thinking about the existential question? it is mid-January here in Minnesota. this time of year it is usually sub-zero (often for days on end) with a brisk breeze to keep us indoors. this has been one very warm January. i think about what we are doing to our climate here. how long will it be before the monsoons begin in the Sahara and the penquins have to leave the Antartic because it is too warm? what happens to the tiny little mites and bugs that feed the larger bugs and birds and small prey that the coyotes, wolves and bobcats live on? when will we know? will it be cataclysmic or will we just wake up one day to radiation poisoning and skin cancer? what will the survivors look like? remember Mad Max?

as teh degradation and changes accelerate, will 1st World nations take even more? we have been privileged so far. why not find ways to direct the clean air flows to the USA and Europe. We are still the economic engines of the known universe, n'est pas? the egg might be our salvation. maybe we all need stop and slow down. re-urbanize and re-organize so that we can slow down the deterioration.

back to my real world now. wish me happy birthday. 

60 x 50

i have put on a few extra pounds since i adopted my first child almost 9 years ago now. it is time for me to get back into better shape. the numbers above refer to the number of pounds i hope to lose by my 50th birthday - exactly one year. a combination of drinking more water and less beer; healthy eating and a significant increase in exercise. here is to starting out right.

Smile

 
just a cool photo! 

Misery Loves Company

Why does this have to be such a cliche in our lives? why do we seek to make others feel as awful as we do? when do we spread the mirth and joy? help me understand this phenomenon. thanks!

Winter Vacation

 
we took a couple of days and got away from it all...or so we thought. it really is hard to get away from yourself. don't get me wrong. we had some laughs and plenty of fun. we had some good food and played some games. we actually got to go away from everyday worries for awhile. for me that meant that i did not have to think about someone else's children for three consecutive days. i managed to accomplish that. i read part of a very good book, Sleeping with the Devil. now though i am back at the real world. it is my mother's birthday. it is also my sister in law's birthday. we still need to get her a present. could not find what she might have liked at the gift shop. Val did not like that one bit. she was appalled that i bought sweatshirts for the kids and they picked out a present for the other Mom in their lives. GUFFAW! Well we can still wander over to Valu Village to find something for her. we could take her car (she has mine) but she took her keys with her. there are some control issues in our relationship. we do what she wants unless it reaches that point where i can tolerate no more. this image you see is the view from our window. i found this view quite pleasant. i enjoyed this view. i needed the peace and quite for a few minutes. so much chatter; so little actually said. hope you liked the view as much as i did. it is good to be home again. i can sleep in my own uncomfortable bed. 

grieving the past

since 2006 just started i wanted to take a preemptive strike for all the losses we will have in this year. we are going to lose family and friends. this is especially true at my age of 49. those we know begin to have illnesses related to age and consumption. we drank or ate too much. we played to hard and did not exercise enough. we watch as the heroes and sheroes of our celluloid youth die. not that we really knew them but they help us mark time. i can remember the losses. i can anticipate the losses. both my parents are old and have survived well. my father has diabetes and is overweight. my mother has had kidney problems and now has dementia. i do not know how long each of them has; as i do not know how long i have myself. when i was younger, i was an exercise freak. i rode my bicycle to work; i walked the lakes; i walked to the nearby grocery store. i did not need a health club. i was vibrant. i now have children and we rush from here to there in anticipation of having better life. we rush from school and work to get home so we can get our chores/homework done; then we rush off to rock climbing or swimming at the club.

we are seeing the demise of many of our electronic friends. i have CDs; my daughter bought herself and iPod before Christmas. She now customizes her music the ways she wants, much like I did with cassetes and CDs. i was one of the early converts. yes, i loved my vinyl records. i loved the portability of the Walkman and i even own and MP3 player. i have a PDA and now a Blackberry so i do not have to have both cell and PDA. i shoot both film and digital cameras and enjoy both for different reasons. i watch and listen as the criers begin their death knell for film. it has become epic in terms of what is considered photography. we own a portable DVD player for car trips. we own this and that. we have books on tape, and books on DVD. we have GPS that replaced my compass. we have backpacks and suitcases with wheels so we protect our backs. we have travel mugs to keep our organic certified fair trade coffee the right temperature. we have REAL books and magazines. we have a dog and a bird and guinea pig.

so what is it that i am likely to lose this year? a lens cap for my camera or perhaps a body cap. i am going to miss some killer scenery while i fiddle with one of my electronic devices meant to assist me in capturing that once in a lifetime momemnt. i am going to miss a meal; a story; a glimpse into the future while my kids are playing. i am going to lose a friend and perhaps a parent. i already miss siblings that have strained relationships with me because of the conflict as to how our parents should be treated. i am going to lose my hair as it continues to thin. i am going to lose my hearing because it either just happens or i am exposed to so much ambient noise. i am likely to lose an emotional battle with myself related to some personal issue. i hope i can lose some of the accumulated weight and some of the accumulated stuff that goes along with the weight gain. i am likely to see another Richard Pryor or Hepburn or James Earl Jones die in my life. some of those news anchors have gotten long in the tooth as well.

in the midst of all this loss, i want to stop and enjoy the moment rather than the anticipation of what i might ___________.

this is America!

 
today my children played outside all day. they came inside to change into dry gloves and warm up enough to go back outside and play. this play seems like a luxury to me after the conversation i had with New Year's Eve celebrants. i got into a discussion with a couple of retired military men. they have a much different interpretation of the War with Iraq. seems that it is payback time. i had the distinct feeling though that it is payback for Vietnam and Grenada and some other skirmishes we have had around the world with armies who have not fought traditional warfare like we do. we are going to make the Iraqis pay for the bombing of the WTC towers and the partial destruction of the Pentagon. we are going to make them (Middle Easterners) pay for being Muslim; for having differnt ideas about political leadership around the world; about treating women differently than we treat ours (LOL); about equality and the need for flattened hierarchies in leadership; but most importantly, we are going to make them pay for threatening our way of life. we do not feel secure anymore. time to lash out. our soil has been invaded. time for payback. the primordial line in the sand has been crossed. we are no longer responsible for our behaviors, actions, ideologies; despotism anymore. the mead he made was quite tasty. guess we have it both ways. we can disagree and still share a drink.