Salt n' Peppa

Salt n' Peppa, originally uploaded by unohuu.

My brother married on Saturday. I flew into Chicago and drove with my uncle and father down to Louisville. There were not many wedding style events. No rehearsal dinner (in facct, there was no rehearsal), nor any kind of family gathering. We showed up; I set up my camera and my father's video camera and waited. A few minutes later, people started appearing. I had no idea who belonged to anyone side of the family. It really got me to thinking. I met my S-I-L and eventually her parents (who seemed truly disinterested in knowing us). I know nothing of her except snippets of what I overheard in hushed tones. She has been divorced twice. She has a twenty-one year old son. They were actually married last month so that they could purchase the house together. Our family has secrets. We could teach the hush hush services a thing or two. We could train spies.

This image was a practice shot for me. But it has become a reality as I think back to what the family has become. Ms POA wanted to hear from us and now she is simply ignoring the information that we shared with her. I think she needs a mental status exam. What purpose does it serve to tear this already weakened family apart? What will she get? What is in it for her? I continue to scratch my head in wonder.

My father's physical abilities continue to diminish. He refuses to give up though. My brother joked about him falling asleep during the ceremony. I knew that not being able to perform this after driving all the way would have broken his heart. In his own way, my gruff old dad is just an old sap. He is a soft touch for bunnies and cats and small children. He loves romance. I caught him watching Titanic last night on TV.

Back to the grist mill system of making empty promises to protect children. We have come full circle for sure when all one has to do is scream about the injustice of the very system designed to protect children from families and predators. I am not saying that we do not provide a valuable service to the community - I am saying that our efforts are only half-assed. Too much violence and neglect before we remove them. Too much damage to their psyches. Too few psychologists and social workers in charge. Too many business-oriented managers that want to count the widgets and show with some certainty that we are doing our job. What price for a life? Imagine she is your daugher or he your nephew. What price then?

Louisville

flight into Chicago today. Uncle and Dad picked me up at MDW and we hit the road for Louisville. My brother is getting married on Saturday. Nice drive. Much shorter than that trek to Hotlanta.

Twenty-six Years

It was twenty-six years ago today. Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play. This was my first wife. College buddy, fantastic friend over the years. She writes. Read her stuff. She creates jewelry. Buy her stuff. She is a great mom. I watched her as I struggled through a myriad of relationships. We stayed in loose touch with each other.

Given the state of my own family now, looking back through the years, I see patterns. My sister is the only one who has remained consistent through all of this. My sister manages to live and let others live as they wish. My two horribly selfish and and egotistical sisters have been nothing more that wall covering. One is a serious narcissist; the other a histrionic borderline. If they were clients instead of family I would be recommending medication. But then neither would listen.

Now I sit and wait for those precious moments when my mother is lucid and coherent. I hope that she recalls who I am each time I call. I know that she is overwhelmed by the sheer audacity of Ms POA and her hired CREW, but in a corrupt and inept system designed to protect the status quo, we must be patient.

Today my soon to be a teenaged daughter asked if I approve of GWB's politics. I was emphatic in my response. I know I have said this before, but it merits repeating. For a bunch of folks who want libertarian-like small unobtrusive government, the Republican Party sure does seem bent of intruding into our lives. Abortion, non-traditional marriage, fixing gas prices, sponsoring a state religion and mandating English as our national language. I think they are just the puppets of their true masters - Business as usual here in the USA. Give business what they want even if it is not in this nation's best interests. Give business what they want less they should pack up and move to a less environmentally conscious place. Maybe they could all move the Mexico and eliminate the need to build the very long fence. Maybe they could all move to Sri Lanka or India where they desire to work is strong. Maybe they thought of that and realize that business is afforded protection here that they can't get else where.

enough said. buy some jewelry from my ex-wife and say hello to her from me.

Praise from MotB

Left a CD on the desk of my co-worker so that she could share the photos with her daughter. She sent me an e-mail end of day indicating she was pleased. That is good news. My wife and I have now been invited to the reception. Cool.

Closeup

Closeup, originally uploaded by unohuu.

We met for drinks and dinner first. Talked about all kinds of things. We talked about work and motorcycles and divorces and kids and adoption and vacations and honeymoons and how I learned to speak Spanish. We took off for the park and then had a bit of fun shooting and talking and laughing. This was the first time I could get a couple to meet me before the wedding so that we could get to know each other a bit and to relax some with the camera. I wish them well. They are quite attractive as my wife said and I think they are photogenic.

Kitsch

Kitsch, originally uploaded by unohuu.

some things one can live without. more wars, taxes, hatred. today i went to the Farmer's Market, with family. We started out looking for a place to park. We split up so the kids could have a big juicy bratwurst for breakfast. more than thirty years ago i was probably doing the same thing as i slept in the convent and took the Eurail to Germany so I could get a solid night of sleep. Got there just in time to see the Germans having their brats and beer for breakfast and jump back on the train to get back to Luxembourg. I had run out of money and needed to get my baggage out of storage so I could board the flight back to the US. I am guessing that those lockers are no longer there.

why am i writing this? our homes are brimming with kitsch. things we thought were cute or adorable. did we need them? no we did not. but our consumer cultures seemingly compel us to buy more and more. shirts, food, dolls and toys, sporting equipment, cameras, stereos, video games, TVs.

Rock Zen

Rock Zen, originally uploaded by unohuu.

The Peace that Surpasses All Understanding.

The knowledge that we are intricately and inextricably part of the world that we create and recreate each and every day.

That all is that is.

Yesterday

I sent my sister's attorney a list of what we want. Actually it is only my sister and I. My brother is wrapped up in his own stuff right now, even though he too swore that we would not stop until my mother was free from the tyranny of Ms POA and her band of lying henchwomen. I think it odd that so many of the co-conspirators are Ms POA's lackeys. What has she promised them? A cut of the estate after they force my mother to rush headlong into an earlier than necessary death? What could cause the very social worker entrusted to PROTECTING my mother to turn a deaf ear on the misery she ignores? What evil lurks in the deformed and dimunitive heart of that woman? Was her mother a Lizzy-Borden-like character that heaped merciless beatings upon her? Was she mistreated at some time by some elder school teacher? Could she have been ignored by someone with my mother's name or manner of speech?

The list is simple...keep her paws off the mother and allow us fair access. Give up the POA for now and allow a state-appointed GAL to handle this. Apologize to my sister and my father. I do not need or want an apology from the tyranny because there is no longer any need to trust. This most recent behavior is an indication that her soul is already lost and I have no desire to try to confer with her other than freeing our mother. how much money is worth defamation; slander; lies and gross misconduct? What price one's dignity? One can always earn more money. One can always have more of something less tangible than fame. One can never have more blood relatives than one has. The betrayal of family is not forgiveable for me right now. I do not know what it would take for me to find that forgiveness in my heart. It still hurts to think that she allowed my sister to be jailed and to remain jailed - see how powerful and connected she is. She can't remember that MLK and Carmichael and many others gladly took jail time as a challenge to those who would deny our fathers and mothers the same freedoms as they took so cavalierly for granted. The sin of forgotten history.

Attention

Attention, originally uploaded by unohuu.

every once in a while i am able to make a beautiful photograph that i can still be proud of years later. this is one of those. i remember taking this image. already a couple of years old, i am still pleased when i look at it. it will be going to Whitewater for a gallery opening. Yea!

Bus Stop

Bus Stop, originally uploaded by unohuu.

a couple of nights ago i had a dream that i told off one of our judges and i was subsequently fired from my job. that was a good thing and i was able to do some of the things in life that i think are important. in no particular order they are spending time with my parents and family; spending more time actually helping others rather than being bogged down in a system that sucks the life and energy from some of society's true gems. i could spend time making beautiful photographs as well. the reality is that I would probably end up on the bus stop going to some job that really had no meaning for me whatsoever.

I Hate Soccer!

I Hate Soccer!, originally uploaded by unohuu.

kids get it right. they don't have the complex emotional and political lives that we adults have. they hate what does not interest them. they are honest about it. we hem and haw and fuss about this and about that. we could learn a bit from the kids.

Soccer Mom

Soccer Mom, originally uploaded by unohuu.

Our kids go to school in a neighborhood far away from where I live. They are at an inner city school. I wanted them to have the benefit of ethnic, social and cultural diversity. I am finding that is a double-edged sword. There are always some negative elements that you think you can ignore as factors when you start doing the math. I had probably over reacted to the problem of my daughter being the only other non-white kid in her kindergarten class. She was performing well then...now we are struggling with her pre-teen years and her struggle to define herself. She has not chosen the "right" African-American children. She has chosen the ruffians and young hoodlums. Yes, there is some parental overreaction at play here. But I had hoped she would "hook up" with the "young nerds" who excel at school and have horrible social lives. Sounds familiar. Guess she is too smart for that. At some point we have to let them go and fend for themselves. If they are not consumed by the social services, criminal justice or CD systems, I guess they all have a good chance for survival. I bet my mother had similar worries about me. Even though I was an Angel.

This is my son's friend's mother. We see her two or three times a week. She works in my building, too. Small worlds we really do live in.

Striped Tulip

Striped Tulip, originally uploaded by unohuu.

why can't we all live together? what happened to the ideals of our youth? we were going to change the world and in fact, time will look back and see that we did. we started the environmental movement and now we drive monster SUVs. we started talking about sustainable growth and now we have monster yards that require tons of petroleum based fertilizers to keep green. we talked about saving the whales and we gulp caviar and shrimp and scallops and sushi as if we might never eat again. we preached love and now avidly practice hate - we hate all those people who are not us - irrespective of who we are. we immersed ourselves in diversity and now we enclose ourselves in gated and policed communities because we are xenophobic. we embraced differences and now we abhor the different. we were tolerant of others; now we eschew all that does not fit into our neat little packaged sound bites.

would that we could be like the animals that we believe we are so very superior to. flowers and bugs and turtles and squirrels. this morning i saw road crew picking up deer that had been killed on the highway . i cried a short tear for those deer. i got to work and there were issues about saving children that were so very important. i called APS in that far away place where my mother lives. they hardly had time to take the report. this from a society that promised to respect elders and love children and place our values back in the heart of our constitution.

it just is not happening the way we planned. we have become the corrupt and morally bankrupt fathers and mothers that we so despised. we have sold out our souls for pension plans and stock options. we laughed while we were doing it. forget all those banal promises. forget that we preached brotherly love and helped our sisters escape the tyranny of chauvinism. what have we wrought?

that poor Indian sitting on the horse was shedding tears for what had become of a land he loved. we now have casinos in place of Native ideals. we have gambling fever. we have gross acquisition syndrome. we raid family assets because we think we are owed something. we penalize those who have saved and reward those who have frittered away money. we can't distinguish between the poor and the lazy. the ignorant and the indifferent the mentally ill and personality challenged the this and the that.

we have politicians who are afraid to make the tough choices - people over property and corporations. education over pork spending. rantings over rights.

how much time do you think we have left? maybe it is already too late.!

Grandeur on a Small Scale

Grandeur on a Small Scale, originally uploaded by unohuu.

yesterday was an incredibly difficult day. more of the same tooth gnashing and cursing and screaming and horrible narcissism. that is just me. the clients were even tougher acts. so after work and dropping off the soccer stuff, i stopped at my little private refuge. a slice of heaven tucked between the city and two suburbs. the quaking bog as it is called. a few acres of quiet and solitude. peace and joy in green and bright colors. croaking frogs and night insects singing mating songs. made my evening.

Life in a Fishbowl

being the child of a celebrity carries its own unique set of problems. you can't have a normal life. people watch everything you do and everything you don't do. you are judged not for who you are but what you are. PK - shorthand for Preacher's Kid and President's Kid. I was the clerical PK....and since i am Jr. as well, it was tough living up to the grander than grand and larger than life expectations. add to this your mother the English teacher in a small fishbowl and the pressures of being the first born son of these two freedom fighting but law-abiding citizens and you have a combo made for neurosis. at least two of us found a way to sublimate the pressures and confusion and have escaped rather unscathed. the rest of my siblings bear the mark of the unmistakable and undeniable strain of living the life that someone else has chosen for you. this is our surmise.

Ms POA has not freed herself from the fishbowl. instead of finding her own life and living it, she clamors for the false adoration; the artificial glory and adulation of the fishbowl...while we tired of the limelight and found solace in books and travel and friends, the rest continued to seek the glare and glory of the light and life in the fishbowl. a small fishbowl i think as well. we were not really all that prominent a family. we did have some aces up our sleeves - famous relatives; a few tough ancestors who were proud to be what they are; intelligence and diligence. we thrived and worked with other survivors. we believed in the common good, decency and self-respect. we believed in hard work, education and persistence in face of even the most challenging situations. we believed that hard work is its own reward. at least these are the lessons i learned. apparently, the other three learned something else. that "me" is more important than "us'. that i am not happy, no one should be happy. that being in the fishbowl is a blessing since i then have no responsibility to others, let alone myself. that finding ways to deflect is more important than finding ways to resolve.

the fishbowl has two lenses. one convex and one concave. the convex lens distorts and makes everything look large. from the concave perspective - inside the fishbowl - everything looks smaller than it is. easier now to understand. those who do not ask the questions about whether or not the fishbowl is a representative of the entire universe are doomed to believe that it simply is. like the Dark Ages, the world is flat is just good enough...even if there are enlightened people telling you that it is not. who would dare question the authority of the sages and the sacred thought police? the penalty might be life!

Always Surprises

My sister and I pull into the driveway and back out so as not to block other cars needing exit space. Ms POA and one of the soon-to-be identified CNAs apparently walk back into the house and lock the door. We come up the driveway and I ring the doorbell. My sister indicates to me that sometimes it does not work...I knock on the metal security gate and I hear Ms POA scream that she is coming from inside the house. She greets me with her falsetto tone and cheery upbeat attitude. (I want to scream back at her that I am tired and utterly frustrated with her conniving and triflin' ways, but I refrain.)

She is so happy because she has a special treat that she has purchased in my honor (no doubt). Of course, my mother was to have been "free" following her return from the secret placed where she is ensconced periodically. But now we are having this wonderful get together for catfish, cole slaw and potato salad. We have to wait though as another party is yet to arrive. (why, I think this was a recent Days of Our Lives drama presentation) The excitement and drama around the fish and fixins' is overwhelming somewhat for my mother. I just want to catch up with her for a minute and hear her side of her Life as Presented by Ms POA and Assoc.

But I am treated instead to a soliloquy about the travails of obtaining this catfish and how it had better be a drastic improvement over last week and how next week it would be a different kind of fish because they are having a special and Mama should sit down and eat the catfish before it gets cold even if she is not hungry because she just finished eating a snack or a meal sometime ago at the place where she is kept during the day so that we can't poison her mind with thoughts of freedom and dignity.

The abuse crew (AC) starts to bombard my mother with petitions to sit down and eat. I think it was implied that she should be grateful that they had gone to all this trouble to get this for her. Let's review this now. CNA on staff and her main job is to hold the TV remote and find creative non-bruise like ways to emotional harangue my mother. They watch the most mind-numbing TV shows and basically disregard my mother as much as they possibly can, with the exception of following Ms POAs torture orders to a "T". Here is an example. My sister's quasi-DP is finally here with the cole slaw. Could not quite put that together until later with some breathing room. She was there for backup - a just-in-case something goes down kind of ally.

The AC could not get Mama to touch any of the food they had brought. She was visibly upset by all the chaos and confusion around her and then they attempt to force feed her some prescribed medication (not from the container) during this moment of total distress. There was some meltdown and some harsh words spoken by the Silken Tongued Vixen. It always amazes me when I hear my mother slip into vernacular (she was such a proponent of the QE, that I had to sniggle a wee bit) and give these folks a piece of her still quite intact, but obfuscated mind.

It was over quickly though. Mama just usually wants someone to listen to her - call it validation or something like that. Talk with her rather than talk to her like a small dependent child. Talk with her about her life rather than talk around her about her condition. She knows about her lapses and does not need to have constant reminders about her increasing inabilities. I tend to think of focusing on her strengths rather than her deficits.

Anyway more drama to continue later. Just think of PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome) and you will have a wonderful front seat to observe the ongoing follies as the AC struggle to maintain control of an issue beyond their capacities. They are thinking that Dorothy is still in Kansas before the cyclone and the storm they have not prepared for makes Katrina look like a summer rain shower.

Unleash the hounds.

Haven't Got Time for the Pain

Haven't Got Time for the Pain, originally uploaded by unohuu.

going to Hotlanta soon
gonna be a rich kid tycoon.
see my mamma and take her to church
of course that is if Ms POA
does not leave us in the lurch.

freak of control and hubris
that is...plan to see what is going on.


late at night when i am alone with
my thoughts and ideas...i wonder
what God thinks about children who
do not honor mothers and fathers.
especially those who were taught to know
better.

better is all that our parents ever wanted for
their children. better schools.
better jobs, better neighbors, better
opportunites. they succeeded.

Ms POA is an attorney. her younger
brother is a minister. her estranged older
siblings are a social worker and
an international business development
specialist.

of course, as an attorney, Ms POA can't be concerned
with right and wrong. that is not better...just stupid (perhaps).
although i work with them every day, i have little
clue what goes on inside the brain of an attorney.

maybe i could ask...but then i might have to go
through the myriad questions. i think so many think
they are better by virtue of simply having attended
law school. that is not better...that is just (well you know)

Nobody Wins

Nobody Wins, originally uploaded by unohuu.

i really have not been ready to write anything. words take so much energy sometimes. and lately i have not wanted to expend that much energy. court and my job continue to take a severe emotional toll. it would not be so bad if i thought i could have some peace in my castle. some support from the people close to me. but it feels unsafe. can't do this and don't say that. guard your words with your life. this is not good for someone who all too easily keeps it bottled up inside. so the photographs have had to suffice. go visit my flickr site to see what i have been doing lately. the days are getting warmer and we can sleep with the windows open. the birds are the best alarm ever created. i like the mornings, especially when i have time alone.

can you imagine?

Draggin' the Line

Revelation - I work with people who have limitations. At times they also have personality disorders and they are not aware that their behaviors are obnoxious. Let me repeat this. Some of the clients have problems that are severe enough that they are not aware that they have problems. Scary thought. I have been on the verge of tears. I am at an all-time low of job satisfaction. I do not feel there is much protection in CP as I am writing this. Another system that is self-sustaining and monitoring. Too many mandates and too few people to accomplish this cycle-breaking work. At least I can be at peace while I watch the cruise liner sink. If we do not protect the children now, will they care for us when we are in need of protection? Good question!

themes

I have been working on this for more than a year now. I remember the first time I saw it I was using a KM-A2. A nice camera....I might have to get another one. I have since shot this lamp squiggle with the KM7D; my D70s; a rented D200 that I loved; an Mamiya 645J and maybe my 800si before I sold it.

Sometimes I think you just have to revist the images that have meaning to you. I do not yet know why this particular piece of metal means so much to me. I am ready to move on to another variation now. Maybe we adults are not all that different than children. I recall seeing The Lion King many more times than I could imagine when my daughter was 2 years old.

I have probably spent a good day of my life - yes, 24 hours or so shooting this image. I am content with what I have, but I envision coming back to see this with new photographic eyes. I guess this means I have to stash this broken lamp in the basement.

?

some people complain about everything. some people could not find solace in wining the Publisher's Clearing House (PCH) sweepstakes. You know who they are around you. They find fault in everything around them. Clarification becomes condemnation. Conversation becomes a verbal duel. No live prisoners. Each encounter is to the death. Pessimism would be an upgrade here.

Why is that? Rhetorical question, of course.

Luke

Friends

i apparently have gained an audience. someone visits often enough that i now recognize the name of the visitor. inane commentary aside, it is nice to have someone notice. of course, the visitor could just be a bot of some kind or the other, quietly making the rounds of pathetic little blogs. criterion for inclusion (or perhaps exclusion) must be sparse.

here is my story...my mother is locked away in a virtual residential prison. my sister, who claims to have POA, is her virtual warden. from all appearances so far, this is a life without parole sentence. no one in our corrupt and nepotistic court system seems to care about one little old black matriarch who raised her children during the post Cold War era in racist and sexist America. she is part of the generation that so many Boomers are waiting to die. apparently all these post Depression babies were massive frugal types. they have accumulated more wealth (homes, properties, money, securities, etc) than ever imagined. some greedy Boomers hope to access that wealth sooner rather than later.

of course, my sister, Ms POA, is in actuality is one with extensive legal training and knows the ins and outs and methodologies of the system. she knows what "magic" words to use. she knows what "magic" people to tap in to in order to get what she wants. she knows how to argue both sides of the issue. she knows how to manipulate and coerce those not versed in THE LAW. All paid for by the blood, sweat and tears of our parents. Malcolm and Martin and Bobby and Carter are sleepless in their individual nirvanas. what happened to justice? where is the freedom that was so hard won? when will the people realize that the gold is only glitter and the king has been naked for far too long. open your eyes people. read between the lines and use the God-given sense you have to say NO to all kinds of despotism. it does start in the family. this is the basic building bock of a society. i venture we can more easily know about the value of the individual in a society by seeing how the family is revered. this is more important than the last numbers seen on Friday for the Dow and Nikkei indices; more important than the GDP of any nation-state and; more important than what financial resources any one individual or collection of individuals have.

it is a microsystem. think about it...we are all on this planet together. we either resolve our petty disputes and differences or we all perish together (except those gazillionaires who can purchase space station time and off-world experiences). but who will she have to come back to after she has cannibalized her own family? get it?

Weary

there is always so very much going on...we are mega-analyzing what happened in Blacksburg, VA. so many are looking for a rational explanation for this tragedy. trying to make sense of what is senseless. do not look to blame the police department or the family. what is done is over now. we need to gently focus our energies on forgiveness and healing for the survivors. we hear about the dead, but the wounded do not make good headlines. we can all talk about the number killed before the gunman took his own life. how many of us know how many were wounded? does not make for easy sensational exploitation.

a man shows up at a federal facility and manages to get a gun through security. this is also tragic. he takes the life of one and leaves another traumatized. held captive with duct tape. must be from some place in the upper midwest. he knows the cure, the most oft used remedy for what can not simply be fixed. i am sure he is from the midwest. i know some of you wonder how i can be so cavalier about this. we have to laugh and cry sometimes. otherwise we can become them.

robbery in SinEsperanza today. started out as a simple robbery gone bad. one killed by accident...the second killed so as not to have a witness. guess the gunmen and gunwoman did not think that the GUN would make such a loud noise. even in the midst of all that someone manage to get a peak at the numbskulls who dug a deeper hole in the sidewalk. now it may take some time for them to get out. LHOP...

Hope

Hope is what we have to have in order to get through the day these days. St. Paul; a 44 year old man abandons his own 2 year old on the street and denies it when confronted. His final answer - he was tired of taking care of the kid.

A 16 year old girl stabs her new born 135 times and then dumps the body. Her final answer; it was still born. How many places are there on a new born's body that you could stab 135 times.

A jilted lover goes on a shooting rampage in Virginia. He kills quite few and injures some as well. He was angry I suppose, as I do not have the details of this story. Sordid details they have to be.

Don Imus makes the news. Do they think that we are all too dumb to think for ourselves? Do they think we enjoy the racist and misogynist drivel? He will have a new media job, probably before the ink dries on the dismissal letter. I am sure that one of the conservative talk radio stations will be glad to hire him. They have audiences that truly believe that the constitutional amendment right to free speech is as American as apple pie and will defend their right to say what they wish. Also eager to abrogate the right of free speech to those who do not agree with them.

Hubris is the word of the day. This beautifully descriptive word came to me in an email today. Look up the definition. How poignant! Exactly descriptive of the awful state of family affairs right now. How can we hoep to get through to the Junior Miss Perry Mason. How might we broach the subject of letting go? What is it that she wants from us that does not require total obedience to her wicked will? When will we be let go from the clutches of her terrific tirades? Hubris...who would have ever thought this of the Clan L...survived sharecropping, lynchings, garbage strikes, civil rights arrests, my brother's brief clash with law enforcement. We survived the trucker's strikes and my sisters working cotton fields for cash. We survived dashes down 57 in the Buick and Caddilacs. We survived the Lincoln and now the big van. We survived our mother's constant attention to our spoken word and behavior fit for the Prince and Princess of Wales. We survived church embarrassment. We survived the onslaught of wannabees after our parents were divorced. We will survive this latest debacle as well. We will always have hope.

Perspective

I finally figured out what has been eating at my craw all week long. I am working with a number of very young and very immature mothers. They have a serious sense of entitlement and seem to have forgotten their children along the way. One has three under the age of 4 and is expecting another in June. She does not anticipate any problems with the children when the new baby comes. Needless to say, I disagree with her. I am certain that there will be some normal animosity and jealousy. I know this, but do I know this because of my training or simply because of my life experience?

My mother has called me a couple of times this week. I enjoy the calls from her, and look forward to hearing her voice. The calls are a recent change as she has not either been allowed or encouraged to call. Now we are certain that she is adamant that she call. She also had a coached call from my sister. I heard her voice in the background prompting her to say thanks for returning a coat that we have had here since October.

I wonder what distinguishes this POA sister of mine from the drug and alcohol numbed minds of my clients. She is older and she did benefit from wonderful parenting. I guess this just means that our family will be the counterargument to the Nature vs Nurture debate. Maybe she is hardwired differently. Maybe she has to be the center of attention. Maybe it is because she is a middle child shadowed by brothers with very distinct and solid personalities. Maybe she feels inadequate when she compares herself to my older sister. But this really only exists in her mind. She is always welcome to call, but I can't think of anything I really have to say to her. The slander and vitriol and emotional damage is extensive. She acts and pretends as if all is well. Just like the day she graduated from high school.

This monster that has eaten my sister and cannabilized my family is amorphous now. I know that there always remains hope for success. I fear that our hope was dashed when Obi Wan was cut down by Vader. Perhaps out there is a new rising star.

First Step

i am tired and weary. i have too many irons in too many fires (take heed George). i do not have he energy to finish one thing...on top of all this i am almost broke. not broke in the sense that we don't know how we are going to pay the mortgage or buy groceries, but broke in the sense that for the first time in a long time i am living from one paycheck to the next. i am determined not to run up my credit cards (took too long before to pay them off). i have this bill and that bill and the phone bill and the satellite and kids activities and soccer and gas and you know - on and on it goes. so i will wake up tomorrow morning and put one foot in front of the other to start that long journey beginning with a first step.

Rest and quietude and hermitage.

Windows II

Windows II, originally uploaded by unohuu.

I went to see a client in St. Paul on Monday. His apartment had that odor of stale smoke. I mean an odor that reeks of unopened windows and smoke that has not been moved for days or weeks. We were talking about reunification with his 1 year old son. I have written about him before, but this time we were seriously trying to figure out why he has not purchased a crib. He has no rent for at least another month; his expenses are minimal for now. All he needs is to get a crib and he could start having overnight visits with the baby. As it is right now, he has no playpen, no safety equipment for a soon to be crawling 1 year old. He does not seem to be serious to me.

Maybe it is my middle class and overprotective social worker values. I would have bought a crib with my first paycheck. I would have had all my friends looking into their basements and attics in search of the crib. Whatever it takes so the kid could be with me.

It was the Monday following Easter and I was already in St. Paul - I headed over to the Cathedral of St. Paul. Someone was giving a tour of this grand old building. I listened and quietly clicked away, wishing I had my tripod and praying that the images would be serviceable. The stained glass windows and the saintly alcoves. The click of heels on the marble floor. Impressive amounts of material went into the building of this Cathedral.

Following my respite and soul healing there I wandered down Selby Avenue. Formerly one bastion of racial inequality and despair in the Midwest. Now this area is awash with trendy restaurants, chic condos (1BR no view $219K), and great little shops like this one here. I love wedding dresses. Something special and magical about them. Women buy them for a single wearing only. Imagine the faith a man would have to have to purchase something knowing that he might never use it again. Some fancy car he could only drive one night then have it sit in the garage and passed on to his son.

That's all.

An Unexamined Life

Socrates wrote, "An unexamined life is not worth living". But what does he mean? Does he mean that one should simply go about one's life doing as one pleases without remorse or awareness of consequences? Meaninglessness and purposelessness account for all too many lives that I see daily. Today I drove out of town to testify at a certification hearing for a fifteen year old. The County Attorney called me as a witness.

As I entered the courtroom I see his sister, mother, father and brother. While I waited in the witness room, I had an opportunity to talk with two education people who have worked with this fifteen year old. The conversation rums the gamut as we all determine why we were asked to come. This young man has robbed a convenience store but ruthlessly shot the two clerks in the store. Amazingly he left the dollar bills - taking only the $5, $10, and $20 denomination of bills. Go figure. He also brazenly looks up at the camera when he does the robbery. I do not think that he examined his life. He looked nonplussed at the goings on around him today. His attorney was rabid in his defense.

It is everyone else's fault but his. He was not provided this or that when he was young. He had some affliction or the other. So...on the way to Duluth, I had the opportunity to call my mother. Someone new answered the phone and instead of giving the phone to my mother, I was passed off to my sister.

She was blitheful in her usual way. She asked how I was doing? I am always taken aback as this happens, and I exchanged a minor pleasantry and courtesy with her. I continue to be amazed that my sister, the mighty Ms POA, can be so blissfully ignorant of what she has said that I am and what she continues to do with and to my mother daily. Is the law so bereft of wrong and right that she can become so detached from her moral compass as to be ignorant of the destruction she wreaks? I can't imagine that the founders of this country would want the law to be applied in such a manner. Justice is about something different. It is about righting wrongs; it is about restoring the peace. It has to be equal for the common person as it is for the mighty partrician.

When Socrates wrote those words so many thousand years ago, he must have envisioned a time when there would be legions of people with unexamined lives. What must we do with those who fail to stop and take the time for contemplation; for consideration; for examination of the self?

On my journey home, I had the opportunity to listen to talk radio. There are so many divisive and pompous people who spout the most awful vitriol. When will we leave partisan politics and figure out how we as a people can all rise together? Again, I fear that there are many unexamined lives at stake. Rome, Ming, England, and now the States. We will fall. Then we will have time to examine our lives, our fates, our futures. Pray that we learn quickly from our own mistakes and that we can learn equally fast from the mistakes of those that came before us as well as those who follow us.

I think, therefore I am.

Danza Sola

Danza Sola, originally uploaded by unohuu.

went to a church Palm Sunday concert tonight. this dance was but one small part of the celebration. she was just lovely and inspiring. i am not sure that i was able to capture her. this was good practice in shooting events though. i had to work on the lighting and focus on composition while paying attention to movement, etc. some of the photos were quite blurred and not artistically i would add. this one came out OK. could be better, but i would have had to have been closer.

Be Free

We are a proud people. We do have
expectations. We get tired of the rat race
and the riff-raff. Ms POA sent me another one of those group hug e-mails today. We have to choose the response carefully. We have to strive to keep balance in my life. We have raw emotions that have been suppressed while I struggle with all this. We can choose to allow her to live the lie. We can choose not to engage or to react. We can delight in knowing that we will not respond. We can hold our breath and wait. We can wait for the "cows to come home" or until we choose to have a different response to any of this. We can admit that we are weary and frustrated. We can embrace the weariness. We can overcome this as easily as we have overcome troubled times in the past. We can laugh at adversity. We can be free. We must be free.

Spring Break

Blah Blah Blah...talking heads and such. i think i finally understand how some of our rock n roll bands were named. some history. when i was a kid we were prohibited from listening to secular music (or so i thought) . my sisters listened to Motown and collected 45s. there was no dancing allowed either. i do not know why i recall this so vividly. maybe all the PK stuff just rattles around in your head forever. i look back on all this and i am grateful. knowing what i know now, i can't help but express my appreciation for what i thought were privations. but that was then in a time in a far away galaxie, many light years ago. the kids of the sixties raised the Gen X crowd who are actually old enough now to have their own kids. we baby boomers raised a generation of kids who were not deprived of anything. they have computers and stereos and personal stereos and iPods and X-box and PSII and PSP and PS3 and so on and so....on. Maybe we gave them to excess...what will they give the world in return? who will be their Bobby Seale, Bobby Kennedy, Malcolm X? U2 and Bono; Elton John; Charles Barkley and Madonna and Lizzie McGuire or will it be Howard Stern and that woman who the press seems to be still fawning over weeks after her death. Anna Nicole Smith was a predatory golddigger then but now is a cause celebre. what will be my internet legacy? rapier wit and ee cummings style of writing? an occasional simple and complete thought? who knows? wanting got the world to where we are today? maybe it is time for us to focus on NEEDING for a spell.

Long Day

today was one of those days. appeared in court with a mom who has a history of abandonment with her kids; two days ago she let her 1.5 year old wander out of the transitional housing complex gate. she ignored her child out there until the parenting worker showed and grabbed her son's hand. but the judge is ready for her to have unsupervised visitation as soon as possible. i am to provide the judge with additional information as to why she should not have supervised visitation.

relative caring for her 16 year old brother is broke and needs to get an advance so she can catch up on her rent...have to do something about that.

i have to testify next week at a certification hearing.
w
there is really just too much going on right now. i am weary.

PK

being a PK carries special privileges. everyone knows you and people are always watching you. you have to learn what it means to be in the public eye. people will remember you even after they have faded from your memories. Daddy has been here in the area for half his life. i have seen a parade of people come and go through the hospital room. lots of visitors and well wishers. we give each other a knowing glance. the faces look distantly familiar and now that some of their children are adults i can no longer easily place them in time and space. we knowingly nod an acknowledgment of relationship and connection through the pastor - Rev, as he is affectionately called. who else will become a fading memory? the longer i am out of contact with the sister that i knew, the less real she will become. will they come to my brother's wedding? will they bring my mother? or will they personalize all this and deny her the chance to meet her new DIL? the attorney says that Ms POA is angry because of we chose to appeal the BS order that came from that backasswards GA courtroom. what did she think would happen? is she simply waiting for us to roll over and expose our vulnerable undersides? she drew first blood. now we have graciously turned the other cheek as well. it is clobbering time now. but not with anger. reason and peaceful resistance. the truth will prevail. given time and our substantial PK training. i know how to keep a low but watchful profile. does she?

Going Home

this is going to be a frequently repeated theme for me. i have in many places....all of them have been home to me at one time or another. yesterday while i was driving to the VA to see my Dad, i had time to reflect on many of the places i have lived and some i could have lived in, if i had chosen to. the little hamlet my father has lived in now for half his life feels like a dying town. i drove down to see Lake Michigan and was truly disappointed. it was dirty and the beautiful park i remember as a child was no longer there. maybe i have romanticized some of it, but a drive along Greenbay Rd and Sheridan road confirmed that this was a magical place. so how does a town like North Chicago die? what memories of childhood do you have in a special place?

my list looks like this:

1317 LaPaloma was beautiful place. then 1829 Greenfield had magic....i think it still has a bit of that since i had to drive past there today. my mother's little house in Evanton is always going to retain the magic. i have not found a place in the Twin Cities yet that fits the bill...no place has ever quite felt like home. gotta run now and will finish these thoughts later.

New Blood

sometimes you finish doing something that was a short term assignment in your life. the feeling of that accomplishment can be a trap that can keep you from growing. i may have reached that point in my work and personal lives. some of the joy i used to feel at doing my job just is not there anymore. i want to be able to laugh at the end of my day...and perhaps have something left to give to those who need me. instead i feel like a wet noodle. i feel like i am being crushed in a giant water mill. the client just push and parry and thrust. i am always avoiding contact (metaphysically as well). i am even sometimes awash in the spray of the malaise of some many lives that i do not know where i am. today is one of those days. the weariness of constant hypervigilance and awareness takes a massive toll on my soul. each TPR is a chink in my battle scarred armour. i tire of the verbal gymnastics and mental pole vaulting that is required to stay supple and imaginative. kids need to be protected, but i do not think it is from the parents as much as it is from an inept system. too many people who do not know human development who are in decision-making authority. too many attorneys and dispositional advisors and guardians and workers all looking at the elephants sitting in their very midst. Obi Wan, you are our only hope now!

Today

i thought about doing many things. i called the county attorney in that other place to talk about the teen who is being certified to stand trial as an adult for two attempted murders in a convenience store holdup. i went to the prison today and talked with a dad who has been incarcerated for most of his son's life. he thinks that he is ready to parent now. i rushed home from work and fried some fish up and baked up some skillet fries and tator tots, pan-fried some corn and steamed some broccoli. it was a nice dinner. hardly anyone ate. and i was quite hungry myself.

my dad is still in he hospital...there is still something about his bleeding that we do not know. he has had blood transfusions, and is still bleeding. but the family patriarch is sharp enough to tell me that he does not want Ms POA to know where he is right now. i am stunned that the wisest woman in the world is not able to put this all together. she is allegedly making phone calls to siblings to glean whatever "intel" she can. so i guess we just have to see what her next move is.

Falling

Father, originally uploaded by unohuu.

my dad has been around forever. he is a big old brute of an old style kind of man. no mincing words for him. he tells it as he sees it. that may not bode well for many PC kind of folks. the kinds of things this old guy rails against would make the RNC proud. but he is better than that. he really cares; it is not for political gain or prestige. he has these certain beliefs. they are beliefs born of racism and the Great Depression. they are beliefs born of Jim Crow and chicken dinners and struggling to feed a growing family. this man served in one of America's most forgotten wars - Korea. We did not call this a war. it was a conflict. Click Here . he came home with shrapnel in his hide and a nation full of hatred. just before the Civil Rights movement took a serious turn. imagine fighting for freedom for others and having to be a second class citizen in your own country. imagine being OK to serve, but not to be served. imagine what it meant for those soldiers who gave their lives there and had to come home to the shame of Jim Crow and Arkansas and Alabama and Rednecks with guns.

i simply listen now when my Daddy talks about his past. respect for his sacrifices is one small way of demonstrating honor. too bad it is not genetic. of all the times i have seen my Daddy angry, i have seldom seen the hurt that he stifles when he thinks about what is going on with our mother. they have been divorced now for more than thirty years, but there is still a bond. he must cry when he thinks that my sister, Ms POA, would so casually and maliciously attempt to strip my mother of her long fought after and treasured dignity. i guess she does not know that dignity can't be purchased or stolen. it can only be relinquished. guess she missed all that as part of the Civil Rights movement. maybe they had to lobotomize her when she was in law school so that she could no longer distinguish between right and wrong. yes, there are some absolutes. i know, my Daddy told me so and i believe him.

Coming Home

The President and Cabinet responses to the problems at military hospitals is coming right home. I got a late night phone call regarding my dad, the vet, you know. He was rushed to the ER yesterday. I relied on "intel" from my brother and sister yesterday, but called the VA direct this morning. It started with simple communication with the "0" as I tried to find what room he was in. It was like calling to Bangalor to get a simple question answered about my water bill. It was as if they could not understand me. "I am calling to find out how my father is doing. His name is L____ L________. No, L@@@*& is his surname."
"I am sorry sir, I will transfer you to the nurses station. There is no phone in his room."
"ICU, I am calling to ask about the condition of my father, whose name is ***&^ ((*&^. See that gibberish I just wrote down there. It is more intelligible than the immediate response I received from ICU. Finally someone with a thick subcontinent accent got on the line. We were able to communicate then. I am used to talking with them when I have a question about my computer or credit card. Now we are getting somewhere. But when did the US Military start to outsource jobs and communications?

Maybe if the politicians had to have their medical care done there. Maybe if the politicians actually had to experience what normal people do at hospitals, instead of getting the RED CARPET treatment that they do. Socialized medicine would be just around the corner. The haves really do have it. You know when the hospitals and clinics are looking at the two-tier system. Plebian vs Partrician services. What a laugh? How many of those ding dongs actually might have experienced combat. Stop and think about it for a minute. They wine and dine with lobbyists, get outrageous per diems and have pensions after a brief stint "serving" their country. Feels like more pork barrell politics all over again. The haves get to HAVE more and the rest of us should simply be grateful that we have something left over when they are done DOING it to us.

So where does my sister fit into this? I do not know, but I sure will find a link between her and the greedy. So my quandry now is to decide if I want to tell the forgotten two about what is going on. WWDD? WITRTTD? I can sleep on it a couple of days. I am pretty sure that I can't make that move before I talk with my dad. Who knows what evil lurks in the briefcase of Ms POA and her cronies? Why she might even produce a POA for the Rev. Who knows from whence she might have obtained it?

Complainer

some people would complain about an 80F day with a gentle sea breeze. they could easily find something wrong with that kind of beautiful day. some could complain that they did not win enough money in the lottery or at the track. some could simply find fault with any small thing. i am not sure that many are able to express simple gratitude for anything in life. why do we so easily focus on what we do not have, and fail to acknowledge what we do have?


i know what i can do here. i only have to reinforce the kind of behaviors i think are appropriate. i think that might have some small impact. i want to be around life-giving and life-rewarding people versus energy-sucking kinds of people. we all know them. they bring the clouds with them when they come. they are the misery that likes company. they are the nothing is ever quite good enough people in your life. you know them, and you know what you feel like when you have been exposed to them for too long. take a deep breath now. exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale. breathe and breathe again. be thankful for the breath that you are able to take in. each little miracle is a conglomeration of many blessings all bestowed at once. now waltz on into your kitchen or your coffee shop and start your day. remember to be thankful to someone or for something at least once today.

Once in a Lifetime

some of you know what i do. for the rest, i just want you to know that i recently had an experience that is so unlike my everyday job that i just have to share it. this was a once in a lifetime happy experience that i was fortunate enough to be part of. these kids needed a home and needed one fast. it involved some hard truth and gentle persuasion. they are now home with their Dad. i was lucky enough to see what love in ACTION really looks like. from 4 to eight over night. from 3 and 1 to 4 and 4. from his and ours to all of ours. see we (the agency i work for) was simply determined that these 4 kids had to stay together. they had two separate and disparate fathers...one living here with me and one in sunny CA. if you can imagine telling these kids that they were likely to go to CA and live there with their dad, and then hearing how they could not bear to leave their mother. patience prevailed though and Dad started a regular telephone campaign. the idea of shedding a winter jacket for once and all and the allure of 85F soon won them over. i saw smiles and laughter and relaxation and hope for a better tomorrow. OK, enough said. keep wishing this family peace and togetherness.

Sunny CA

from 50F yesterday to possible 90+ today. the flight was hard. kids got bored easily and we were not sitting close enough to each other to keep them entertained. easily through Phoenix except the delay. they rushed us onto the plane even though we were on the same airline. puffing and huffing as Dad and I rushed three youngsters and his teenage son through the airport. the girls were even a bit frightened because they had been "scared" by their brother. everything worked out OK in the end. his wife and SIL met us at the airport and they took the mountain of bags and left. i found my rental and worked my way onto the freeway to my motel. instant traffic jam....yes it was 9:00 p.m. and they were merging three lanes into one so that we could exit freeway and circle around the overpass and back onto the freeway. i can only imagine what a mess that is during the day.

fast free wireless does not work in my room, but i found a Starbucks and logged on anyway. things just do not work here as they should. we have the smarts and the infrastructure, but everybody is so eager to squeeze every possible penny of profit on the short term totally ignoring the possible long term gain and loyalty of customers. has to be a better way.

thinking about what to do here today. could drive to SD to see my "other" SIL. my brother's ex did not bother to call me back. may try her one more time before i leave, but i guess she is one of our strange family members. would just be nice to see my nephew and to see KL anyway. i am not even sure how long it has been. well on with my life anyway. SD is probably too far to drive even though i have a couple days. off to google maps. maybe more later.

I Like Dreaming

I Like Dreaming, originally uploaded by unohuu.

about freedom and peace and quiet. i like dreaming that wars have ended and people have learned to get along with each other or simply choose some other set of people. there are more than six billion of us. more than enough here to find a likely match. i like dreaming that corporation realize that equality goes a long way towards a positive work ethic. i dream that people no longer have to stand on the corner with a cardboard sign begging other people for food or clothing or dry warm place to sleep. i dream that there is no more starvation in the world. that we have eliminated famine and disease. can you imagine this place? you simply have to try. if we can begin to imagine a world without war, we will find a way to stop killing each other. if we can imagine a world where everyone has enough to eat, we can begin to create the world. if we can begin to imagine that all people have merit, simply by virtue of birth, we can eliminate hatreds and so many of the -isms. this child is the child we will be changing the world for. she deserves all that we have learned and valued. she may be the next Ghandi or maybe the next brilliant scientist or the person who achieves the next most important thing in medicine or computers or ...she is in my Sunday School class. Joy to the World!

What's in Your Wallet?

A couple of ATM card receipts, another for gas at the Shell station. One more for groceries at the grocery store near my house. That is simply what one might be able to see. In addition I carry a dose of hope and promise for the future; some forgiveness; a bit of tenderness that is well worn; a receipt for thankfullness that I trade back and forth with some of my friends and a business card for my own inspiration. There is a credit card and the ATM/checking card, a license and some what not kind of things. no photos of the wife and kids. no telephone numbers, no addresses of any kind. have to protect the loved ones as much as i can. can't be certain that my mostly docile clients will not have a fit of umbrage and rage. that would not do to have them stalking or harassing my family. paranoid...you bet your !@# i am.

Bear With Me

while i talk with you about a strange kind of conspiracy theory. this one involves attorneys and judges and such. i can't prove any of this but i can't make sense of it any other way. from the very beginning i have had the feeling that the deck was stacked against us. i am pretty sure that Ms POA did not know who was involved in this thing that she called a kidnapping, yet she managed to have my sister arrested and incarcerated for a long weekend. Columbus Day weekend if i recall correctly. then the junk started coming at us so fast that we barely were able to come up for a breath of fresh air before some new kind of insanity happened. is it possible that the corrupt little legal system in GA has a Code of Silence? tell me why else a judge would risk his career and status in the community. what does Ms POA have on this nut? is there some meaty scandal waiting to be uncovered. Mothergate 2006. imagine that. then just a few days ago, my sister tells me that Ms POA is driving a new vehicle. something large and flamboyant. something flashy and certainly environmentally a disaster, no doubt. then we manage to have an inept attorney who could not see his way out of a clear plastic grocery bag. even my brother could have put together a better defense than this attorney...we will have to pay him though.

could the legal profession be so unethical that they would rally around each other, even if one were doing something they all new was wrong. or perhaps it is because they lack moral compass and guidance. since each argument is about proving one's case, there is no relativity between what is right or wrong. simply a matter of what one is able to prove. shoot them all...maybe but then some other slime would crawl to the top of the scum heap to take their place. how about we just expect them to be decent. how about we search really deep within ourselves and get the solutions to the problems? that might mean apologies or compromise.

so here we have a woman who has medical bills taller than the Empire State Building and a recently purchased home and now a new vehicle. she must be one helluva lawyer. even so, i am certainly glad that i have never taken her counsel on anything.

waiting for the next shoe to fall.

Surprise

a couple of days ago i received an email from my brother. there was three oversized poorly taken photos in this e-mail. maybe i am still in shock and have to look at them again. pictures of a ring (poorly focused); a picture of his nostrils and his betrothed (still no name); a photo of her opening something; and a stuffed white bear.

yesterday i got an email from Ms POA. she sent me an inspirational story. i thought it might be an apology for all the recent turmoil and a request to sit down and talk this all through. not quite. it actually was a story about an isolationist who fell off a mountain. i think the moral is that sometimes you have to let go and trust others. at least that is what i took from the story. i am sure that this message was not for me though; she mass mailed it to all of her friends, cohorts and admirers. no information though about our musical mother. does she go to the ADC or not. who is actually caring for her? that is on a need to know basis.

i had the pleasure of talking with my mother night before last. my kids talked to her as well. she is still completed confounded by recent events and simply can't understand why all this is happening. maybe the new attorney will be able to offer us some hope.

on the work front - change is constant.

One More Time

In a world already over populated and crazy with disease, famine, starvation, heart ache and love brimming to overflow, another child is conceived. Another alcohol-abusing, developmentally disabled mother will attempt to bring another child into this world. I had already begun to wonder why she was no longer expressing an interest in her son. She has another baby to love and smother with love. Another baby who will take care of her. Another child that we will more than likely spend our hard-earned tax dollars for so that she can again try to successfully raise this child. Even though time has already demonstrated her incapacity to meet her own needs, let alone the needs of the impending new born. There will be another father who will not have a relationship with his child. Another child who will miss the love of two willing and able parents. Another child who will become a statistic in our headlong rush into oblivion. When do we stop the insanity? I am not sure we can anymore.

Every Morning

i heard this while listening to Michael Friedman's e-book, The World is Flat. it is a very interesting perspective on what life is from differing perspectives. hope you find some meaning in this as well.

Every morning in Africa, a gazelle awakens. He has only one thought on his mind: To be able to run faster than the fastest lion. If he cannot, then he will be eaten.

Every morning in Africa a lion awakens. He has only one thought on his mind: To be able to run faster than the slowest gazelle. If he cannot, he will die of hunger.

Whether you choose to be a gazelle or a lion is of no consequence. It is enough to know that with the rising of the sun, you must run. And you must run faster than you did yesterday or you will die. This is the race of life."

- African Proverb

think about this for a brief moment.

it happens

Life happens in the middle of all that we have planned. Kids are born, jobs are gained and lost. Families change. Friends come and go. It happens in an infinitely long instant. We are aware of all that transpires, we simply find a way to let some of it trickle in at distinct moments in our lives. I see this happening daily now with my 12 1/2 year old. Education is important to her in the grand scheme of her life, yet we can't get her to do her homework or even talk about the difficulties she might be having. Of course, we have already talked about her "perfect infallibility" and "immortality" that can be her own Achilles Heel. I know that each generation must go through this in its own way. I know that reality does come screeching in at some age. I simply want her to be awake in the process.

As I watch my parents age and look in the mirror myself, I see that time is a formidable foe. Time is a constant. We can pretend and try to ignore the inexorable, but inevitability wins.

So here is a brief recap of 3/5/07. Woke up, dragged myself out of bed....(the Beatles were so right). Took a shower, made breakfast for the unappreciative 12 year old, prepared some lunch for her, reminded her to take her medication. Walked downstairs, fed her guinea pig (the one she has pledged eternal love to, but forgets to feed and change the litter), made sure Dude had some fresh water. Drove her to school, talking about the general importance of family and education and an awareness of what history teaches us so that we may avoid similar mistakes. Gladly accepted a quick grunt of semi-appreciation (probably more that the ride and talk was over).

Drove to pick up a client in suburb so that she could attend her one-year old's developmental screening. She told me her attorney wants her to keep her mouth closed when she is with me. Supposedly, if she does not tell me the bad things, I will likely never find out. (An adult version of peek-a-boo).

Drove client back home after getting her a cab voucher to visit FH again today. She was more vocal this time, prying me for answers to hypothetical questions. I did my best to give her the answers she sought (although likely not the answers she wanted).

Took phone call from ex. 12 year old mouthing off to Spanish teacher at school. Daughter did not want to call me. We chatted about this briefly. I fumed and claimed I needed time for calmness before I started thinking of responses. Will call her back later.

Took phone call from neighbor. My wife had caught her son dashing from our garage. She thought she was calling my wife. She wanted to know if we might press charges and what our response might be. I told her we would talk and get back to her. No sooner than that call ended, phone rings again. It is my wife with an explanation of the succession of events. She is also returning my call from the incident with 12 year old. Chaos is spinning webs inside of my head at this time.

Note on my desk chair. Apparently missed court hearing. Not on my calendar. Proactive...just go deal with it. Talk with supervisor, talk with county attorney. Reminder to call insurance agent and get money for counsel with sister in GA. He needs to fax something to me and have me send it back ASAP. Email from sister wondering what happened to money I had promised to send. Quick response explaining no rubber check sent; SNAFU on this end. Will take immediate action.

Call from FP about kids placed in her home. When?
Call from client about ICPC in Missouri. Already on it is response to her.
Call from therapist, call from in-home provider, email from co-worker about changed visit due to storm on Friday. VM from FP indicating SV cancelled due to storm on Friday and will makeup when able. On vacation now.

Grab muffin for lunch. Co-worker snatches a moment to tell me she accepted new position. We chat ever so briefly about promotional application I completed. Need to get back to desk for report that should have gone to judge for hearing I already missed.

Need to complete request for hotel for dad coming from CA for hearing next week to take kids in previously mentioned FH back to CA (4 kids). Need to get kids baggage so they do not have to take plastic garbage bags on plane. Done after I stop and talk to SW about changes and what might happen in court.

Middle of the day. I can't write more because I have to go back in a start this all over. But we did talk about the trespassing at dinner with the kids. We did talk about how important school is just before we started homework that 12 year old did not finish. I told her I would awaken her at 5:30 to do the oh so simple Spanish report that needed to be in today.

Woke up, got outta bed. Dragged a comb across my head.

the game

made it through another exciting weekend. my son had a basketball tournament. they took second place, but one would not necessarily know that from the parents' reaction. completely supportive of the kids and the team play involved with athletics. we lucked out and had a good coach - one who has some understanding of normal child development. excellent interactions. it is incredible to watch your children grow up right under your eyes. there is the full spectrum of emotions. sometimes over and over again. sometimes just so intense it is almost unbearable. joy, pain, grief, ecstacy. they hold the violin strings for this symphony waiting to be named and played in entirety. constant dress rehearsals. i would not have it any other way.

i did not take a camera this time. not a single photo. not a moment when i could not be focused on the games. every one who knows me was stunned and shocked. how dare i? they usually count on me to have the best photos. i just wanted to be immersed in the moment for once. not composing or thinking about the lighting or the challenge of shooting around people or DOF....just watch the game, and that is exactly what i did.

~):

There are some things that words can't describe. Today was one of those days. Sunday school was hectic - we had 40 kids today. Seems that most of them have been cooped up indoors with the recent snow storm. That means that this was a free for all today. I usually leave exhausted. I had to drag myself out the door today...but then there is my old family stuff that we had to deal with. I have been talking about doing one thing or another. I have so desperately wanted to get something going financially so that I can stuff some cash away in the war chest. Lots of lookers, but getting people to cough up hard earned cash for an unknown quantity is more than a job...I am at the point right now where I think I need to have a marketing department. Or a publicist. Start printing and dropping prints off in various places. But again, that's work.

Why can't the money just fall into my lap? Grasshopper, one must....OK, I know that I have to pay my dues.

Then I have to think of a niche for the final product. Who do I want to sell these prints to? What kind of event or wedding photographer do I want to be? Maybe I have to think of this like a job instead of something else that I do. Report to work each morning about 5:00 a.m. and sell sell sell.

Rat Race

i want to get as far away from the human race as i possibly can...they (we) are a demanding and unforgiving lot of creatures. we seldom express appreciation for the simplest and most genuine kinds of loving acts. we want more. more jewelry, more money, more cars and accolades and such. the rat race is being won by the rats. people should not be part of it. time to change tunes and make positive use of my time. being positive about what i want instead of addressing it from the negative. saying yes to opportunity rather than worrying about this or that or something or the other. giving and taking...taking and giving again and again. i am just too fried right now to put this positive plan into action.

Snow Day

Tell me if this has any merit at all. I have lived here in Minnesnowta now for about 28 years. Each year it snows and people complain that we get either 1) too little (diehard skiiers and snowboarders and snowmobilers) or 2) too much snow. I can't quite figure it out. It would be similar to people who live in the desert complaining about how hot and dry it is. The way I figure it this snow is a boon. We get some much needed moisture that can melt into the ground (think summer drought) and we get some snow cover for a spell.

What is with all the hysteria about a few inches of snow? Everybody I know has some kind of 4-wheel drive or all wheel drive vehicle. Isn't the snow one of the reasons they drive the gas guzzlers? Most of these vehicles are not off-road at any time. So quit your whining already. And slow down and use those long forgotten winter safety and winter driving skills. The only people I know in a hurry today are the ones who have a date with the medics or death. Slow down. I wanted to leave work early and find a choice location to watch for accidents (with camera in hand) ready to e-mail photos to insurance adjusters (for the right price, of course). See how this disgraceful situation with my sister has turned me into a leech. (you were wondering of course when I was going to mention something about Ms POA, weren't you?)

OK, new attorney who costs more money and will need more cooperation than I think my brother is willing to provide. I do not mind selling off my mutual funds (since I will never likely retire anyway). But it is the principle. Shut up and let us know or simply let us know and go on ranting about the Marvin Gaye solution.

off my soap box now!

Tempest in a Teapot

Tempest in a Teapot
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

i am working on a couple of photo projects right now. one of them is for Utata...another for the BDL Legal fund...and the last of them is for the CCC March Salon. Iron Photographer 17 requires a metal; a piece of clothing and a shot from above the items. The BDL Legal fund merely requires me to sell some of these wacky images in order to liberate my mother from the tyranny that we have all come to know as Ms POA. In order to that we have to meet this sibling on her turf. i have to admit that she has become quite shrewd. unfortunately she has also become like a vampire or bloodsucker. To the bard that suggested we rid ourselves of the vermin we know of as lawyers, i commend you. but first this commercial break while we try to find our own shyster to pound the living UNOWHAT out of her.

CCC is for shadows for March. i should be able to do that since the days are again getting longer. just 3 short weeks to the equinox. the long winter of our misery and discontent is almost over. we must first endure a few snow squalls here where i live. one for Wednesday and yet another scheduled for later this week. the end however is in sight. that is, until we get to tournament time - i think that is both basketball and hockey snowstorms are to be scheduled de rigeur here in minnesnowta.

see ya soon.

Dismissed

Yesterday it snowed and snowed here. Today when my daughter left for school I told her to take the boots that we bought for her. She ran down to her room and grabbed the boots. She carried these boots out to the car and plopped herself down in the front seat.

Today when I picked up the kids from the friend's house and the after school program, neither had boots. No worries. I have a plan. I am just not 100 % sure that it will work. I think they should pay the co-pay and some salary reimbursement when they do dumb things like forgetting to put on their boots. I guess I can't really do that since my daughter has double coverage and no co-pays for her.

Anyway, this little girl gave me the same dismissive look when I tried to take her photograph this afternoon. I guess I should get used to it. The dismissive gestures and handsigns. I am just getting old I guess.

Peaceful Easy Feeling

we finally got our big snow storm. actually more inches than i anticipated. i shoveled today. i sweated a bit and then i moved LR furniture. always a real good peace inducing activity for me. Call from my mom...i had to pretend to have a pleasant conversation with my sister. i am tired so going to bed shortly. go to flickr and check out some of my photos.

i need your help with the best possible candidates for cards and general art. i am going to sell them to pay for the attorney we need to hire. but i want to only have a few on hand at any given time and a quick way to print them and ship if needed. ideas generally welcome. would prefer something close to Minneapolis/St. Paul and would like to see some samples before I go all out.

Thought I Was Done

the previous post was short. i thought that it would be enough of a cathartic experience for me to be able to be OK for the day. i was wrong and it was not nearly enough. just thinking about all the subterfuge and chicanery and such is enough for me to want more...more of what i cannot possibly have. each day is like another day of having my fingernails pulled direct from my fingers. a few more of the hairs on my head gray each day. some from worry...some simply from age. pray that wisdom could accompany those arriving with age.

this is not a fairy tale. there will be no magic happy ending unless we choose to fight the evil that lurks in the heart of this one vindictive and nefarious family member. the evil can spread and must be stopped. eradicated like vermin. we must be merciless.

you want to know more, you can contact me directly...you want to help, click on the Etsy art link and buy some photographs. I expect to increase the availability of additional items such as photo cards, accessories or to license photos from my flickr site for business cards, stock photography and personal use. I am cheap at the moment. Get in on the ground floor.

SNAFU

the legal system sucks sometimes...i am caught in the middle of too much stuff right now. trials at work with chemically dependent parents who would gladly trade their kid for a hit of meth. continuing problems with my sister who thinks she is the Queen of the Universe. Seems she filed a motion to block any petition for guardianship for my mother. She based this on some hu ha crap that she falsely created during the last squall in December. I have had it up to here (see top of my thinning and graying head). of course, she does not know the meaning of the word tenacity. but she is certainly going to find out soon enough. sell some photos...sell some camera equipment. keep stuffing money into lawyer's pockets. send their children to private schools. deprive my family of my energy and time and patience. i know, it is my choice. but it is kind of a Sophie's Choice. Aaaarrrggghhh!

Questions

Some people are known to say mean things or to commit horrible acts so that they can feel better about themselves. Ironically this happens most often to people who have been victimized themselves, but have not truly achieved healing. I was reading the post in the link above, (Questions) and it dawned on me. We live in a society that teaches contradicting methodologies. On one hand we are taught to care for the weak, frail and injured, while on the other hand we are taught that it is a dog-eat-dog world. Do unto others before they have a chance to do unto you. Now the answer becomes clear. But that only leads to more questions about how healing truly takes place. If it is on the individual level and we have more walking wounded (and wounding) than those seeking healing, we are losing. How many do we have to lose before the healers and healed check out? Is this how new societies are formed? The Pilgrims left their homeland to avoid persecution. No sooner than they arrived than they started their own persecutions based on the simple theory that they were right (and righteous).

They were so right that they took a world-wide practice and turned it into one of humanities greatest tragedies. Slavery. How many millions were lost and died? We are just a few days short of the end of Black History Month. What have learned about the history of our Black community members? Look at your local news today - not with th eyes of someone who fears victimization by someone you have been taught to fear. Look at the news at someone who probably has been victimized. How can we help each other heal if we remain in constant fear of each other?

Some Possible Answers:

Love thy neighbor (locally and globally) as yourself and your family.

We all live downstream from someone else.

Treat even the "least of them" as you would like to be treated yourself.

Honor your father and mother and sister and brother and neighbor and child and community.

Do not judge others for if you do they will surely judge you in return through the eyes of the righteous victim.

Put a little love in YOUR heart and mind and tongue.

Be humble. We could all learn a tad from each other.

Listen with your mind open.

Learn to forgive.

Remember the Titans and the Lilliputians.

Do not believe everything that you read or hear or see about others. We all have brains and can learn from our own senses. We do have some idea of what is right and what is wrong.

Laugh once in a while (especially at yourself).

Cry when you see injustice, but then put your mind to work to heal what you have seen.

No one is free until all are free.

Dain Bramage

Today is our father's birthday. Our little family cancelled the weekend trip to Chicago to visit because there were just too many sick people here. We wanted to go, but with my wife away for the weekend already, and Chicago deeply buried in snow I was reluctant to venture along the interstate along and not feeling so hot myself. His church usually has a big celebration for him and we get to be paraded around as the lucky progeny. Our parents are getting old and they will not likely have as many birthdays in their futures as they already have had. This was a big one. He was disappointed when I called, but understanding. Understanding of a son who has worked hard at maintaining a positive relationship.

Now my sister who is Ms POA called our dad this morning. She sang Happy Birthday to him...she sang this as if she had just seen him yesterday and awakened in her bedroom in his home. She sang as if she had not recently called him a liar. She sang it as if she had not tried to insult him publicly in Hotlanta just a bit over a month ago. She sang this as if she has no recollection of the shameful behavior she is so adamantly engaged in. She sang this song as if she were still the fair-haired child that she has believed she always thought she was. I don't understand this, but then I have not ever had enough chutzpah (cojones for some of you) to pull off anything so brazen and shameless. So the simplest answer is that she must have some kind of dain bramage. You know...she simply can't connect the dots inside of her rat poisoned damaged brain. We cry for our mother and worry that the last days will be lost in a fog of keep the mother away from the other siblings so that they become frustrated as hell and do something regrettably stupid and then are not eligible to see their mother. Or some lame something or the other.

Huh...?