The Blue Room

The Blue Room, originally uploaded by lucienphoto.

It has been a tough week. Sick kids; lots of court activity; school conferences; volleyball playoffs. I am exhausted, but I wanted to share this gem with you all. The blue lights and the b/w print on the wall. Seem to be from two different worlds. I think that is what caught my attention.

Optimum Color

Optimum Color, originally uploaded by lucienphoto.

Today is one of those now blended holidays that we have. Too many days off from our increasingly need-to-be productive jobs. We would hate to admit that maybe we already have enough of this and that. That we have enough time and food and clothing and such. Those lucky few of us who have the day may feel the need to fill our deliciously free time with activities - working out, cleaning, shopping, or some other kind of pro-Calvinist superior work ethic kind of activity. What about just relaxing today? Sitting in front of a warm fireplace? What about curling up in bed with a good book and your favorite beverage? What about catching up on the sleep that so many of us find ourselves truly deprived of?

I am sitting and having my second cup of coffee and watching the people as they come and go. Stilletos and tight jeans here. Close fitting chic leather. Upscale fitting of an Uptown Starbucks. Trendy but not gauche.

These leaves are for my camera club digital salon submission. I stopped and took these just yesterday on my way to work. Just a few contemplative minutes in one of my old bicycle haunts. Woodsy but not wooded. Robber baron mansions high on the hill in Minneapolis. Beautiful homes. One not to far from where Mary Tyler Moore "lived" in the 70s here in Minneapolis.

It is a crisp morning with warnings of approaching storms. That likely means cold and snow here, but it is time. I think Minneapolis deserves a rest; a good holiday. Enjoy!

JL

I took a chance and followed up on her casting call. I was certain she would dismiss me as amateur but we were able to schedule a session. Good thing, because it is certainly too cold now for the fun kind of shoot we had three weeks ago. Leaves were aglow with color. Slightly cloudy; partly sunny, depending on your perspective. This image came from the end of the shoot. Wooded, covered and in need of a skosh of fill-flash.

Dancin' in the Streets

Circus Portrait, originally uploaded by lucienphoto.

I have a dream today." - Martin Luther King


There will be dancin' in the streets. Change is coming.

Back to Writing

I took the summer and most of the fall off. It has been a crazy few months here. My father has been in and out of the hospital. My mother's issues have not become better, and in fact, have gotten worse. The Nazi just keeps doing what she does best. Disinformation is the word for the day. My job is really quite difficult right now. It is harder and harder. Each day takes an extreme emotional toll.

I look forward to getting back to more information sharing.

Needs

We just returned from what is supposed to have been a truly relaxing time. My wife's family converged upon this quiet lake in northern Wisconsin to celebrate the unique flavor and attitude of this family. From Florida, California (San Diego, San Jose, and Sonoma), Wisconsin and Minnesota. Three generations of this family together. I guess I am about to get into the middle of the maelstrom now, so I will have to return to these thoughts later.

Random Moments

We have to prove that we are working on or addressing Child Welfare issues in order to get federal funding for our position. So let me briefly tell you about my day on Tuesday. It was the second day of scheduled trial. We did not meet on Monday for reasons yet unclear to me. The attorneys finagle most of this anyway. But Tuesday morning we are ready to start testimony at 8:30 a.m. But someone isn't there. Lots of hostile people waiting in the large unenclosed space outside the courtroom. The prospective adoptive families are waiting; the mother and the two fathers are waiting with their individual and collective support persons. There is an advocate from the transitional housing program. There are grandmothers who have not been willing to care for the kids. There is a sibling to one of the fathers, who only recently was reunified with her children. There is conflict in the air because this sibling is the ex-girlfriend of the other father. The sister to this father is dating the brother of the kin foster care provider. Enough yet?

The attorneys start to call this near brouhaha The Jerry Springer Show. I am prepped and ready to go when the county attorney starts to hint that the judge is not likely to TPR the children, especially since one of the fathers has not really done anything wrong. Of course, before this judge took the case, the previous judge informed me that I was not in a position to make decisions or recommendations to address this situation. We could not place this man's daughter with him at that time. Now we are looking at making sure that his rights are protected. So hear this mini-series of a story. His case plan was rather simple - address the domestic violence, complete a chemical health evaluation, and complete both psychological and parenting evaluations. What did he do? Just the psychological evaluation. He is the master of procrastination. The blame goes to everyone but him. He did actually assault his wife. They were on the brink of divorce or separation at some point. They never did any marital counseling. She failed to obtain the OFP and moved in with the other dad's sister (who hates her husband). Almost an agreement now...look at TLC of the children to the FP. Not as good for the kids; not as much a guarantee of consistency and stability, but better than letting these three children - ages 4, 3, and 2, return to the care of this severely dysfunctional family.

Deal falls through. Judge says trial to begin immediately following lunch. We all leave and return to more pointless negotiations. Judge takes the attorneys into chambers where who-knows-what happens, but my attorney comes back with an off-the-wall settlement proposal. Allow the judge to make the decision. This man who knows squat about our case, except what he has seen in recent hearings and what the attorneys have told him in secret, expects to make an informed decision about what is in the children's best interests. You decide for yourself.

Mom has 4 treatment episodes in the last 22 months; has been repeatedly homeless; has been reunified with her children 3 times during that period; has not consistently attended therapy (DBT recommended); allowed a Level 3 sex offender to "store property" (meaning live with her) while she was still working with Child Protection; was involved in a drunken domestic with the father of her two older children (he had not been working his case plan either, obviously); became homeless as a result of the domestic; failed to follow the recommendations for treatment, therapy and domestic abuse intervention; lied to treatment center staff; renewed the relationship with the boyfriend/father of children; failed to get safe and suitable housing (until just one day before the trial); and chose Valley Fair over a regularly scheduled supervised visit with her children. There is more but too much more would not really make our case strong enough.

We go back to court mid-September and the judge will take testimony about the TLC options. Meanwhile mom is now leaving for NYC to attend the wedding of her father. Gone for one entire week, missing two visits with her kids. She has been advised to take a UA before leaving and immediately upon her return.

So in the midst of all this I get a Random Moment e-mail requiring me to respond ASAP to what part of Child Welfare I was engaged in at a particular randomly selected moment. My life almost always is about what is in someone else's children's best interest. Hurry September.

Peace in the Valley

As you can see I took the month of July off from this blog. Why nothing new? Simple. I have been swamped - emotionally, spiritually and physically. We are in the throes of potential layoffs at work. Make our already impossible jobs more difficult. We will have to find a way to simply do this. The kids are that important. Every child deserves a chance for a happy childhood. Every mistreated and abused child grows up with the potential to become more of the same. Stop the madness early and we will not have to repeat the cycle so often.



I know that children love the people who bring them into the world. Sometimes those very people charged initially with the immense responsibility to raise the children abandon them. As a society if we do take care of our children we become a rash and impulsive society. Attachment issues carry through into adult life. Poor family relationships become more dysfunctional. I see parents who do not know what to do with their children during a one hour supervised visit. I see parents who can't set limits; have no real expectations for themselves or their kids; are easily overwhelmed by simple life challenges and check out emotionally when their basic needs are not met.

Sad but true. There is little protection in Child Protection these days. I am not certain that this is all good. Even in the midst of drug abuse, domestic violence, and family dysfunction children are being sent back to live with parents who are not prepared to care for them. It has become a waiting game. The parents know about bloated case loads and the tremendous pressures and scrutiny Child Protection has. All they have to do is wait. Wait for a slip or a glimmer of truculence from the judge. Wait for enough time to become a thorn in the virtual judicial side. Pounce then and discredit the professionals and increase your chances for a reunification.


OK, enough ranting for now. There are happy endings.

Enough

Sometimes people intentionally push your buttons. I don't know why but I would guess that it is a subtle form of control or manipulation. It is quite difficult to simply resist reacting to the digs and snips and stuff that falls on you in the process of doing life's every day stuff. Today was one of those days...somebody always pushing and prodding and poking at me. I made a sincere effort at smiling today, appreciating the sunshine...laughing at the inane and tossing some caution to the wind. In my life everyone wants something from me...and most often they need it yesterday. Some days I want to pull a Forest Gump and start running - anywhere would be a good start and I could easily get there.

Earlier today my son asked about his grandmother. He hasn't been able to see her in almost 18 months. My crazy sister would not dare "allow" her to visit here. Argh!

Markets

The stock market goes up and then it goes down. The fuel prices rise when the stock markets rises and they rise a bit more when the stock market has a tough day. Other energy sources are tied to the rise of the petrol prices. More people walking, more riding scooters and motorcycles; even more using public transportation. America.

Thoughts

We continue to do the things that make us feel comfortable. America is on the verge of becoming something very different than what it has ever done before. Our recent Democratic Presidential candidate selection process - a non-white male and a Caucasian woman. Something is going on here that the pundits and sages have not been able to predict. The right is upset and slinging mud like no one's business.

The US is also teetering on the edge of financial disaster. Economic policy of the current administration has accelerated an already sure decline in US authority and respect around the globe. We have enriched the pockets of a few for favors and influence. Now the Piper is taking just due - not demanding it, simply exacting the veritable pound of flesh.

Oil up (NPR reports because of the Fed and it's poor money policies); housing down(Bush cronies take advantage of poor and reap huge profits); employment down and accelerating; food up (production and transportation costs as well as biofuels); productivity ironically higher that it has been in many years, yet wages stagnant or decreasing (except for the 1%).

It touches all the old sectors. Here is an "irony" for us all. China needs steel and is exceeding the demand of steel they can produce. Gary, IN, is bust. Didn't we make the steel for the world just years ago? India and China are becoming economic behemoths (just by the sheer size of their populations). Russia is becoming a petro-rich power-wielding no-quarters yielding global power. Our Old Glory has faded in influence and respect; perhaps rightfully so.

China exports to the world. We are the largest debtor nation. We spend our resources on war while we watch global competitors use R & D to bolster economies. We stick our heads in the sand when China dumps "knock-offs" here. We purchase weapons and over spend. We laugh at the folly of the working class...caught between that rock and that hard place called bankruptcy.

We have SUVs and high gas. We have overpriced condos and townhomes, but someone made a bundle. We have speculators making a Wall Street killing and producing nothing. We have the DJIA tanking regularly. We have lies, damn lies and even more lies, but we have too much "information" to make good decisions. We have public sale of media and FCC cooperation with conflict of interest companies. We have stuck our tails between our legs and come back lacking a strong backbone. We are now the bully who no longer commands respect. Get over ourselves. We are a 3rd world nation who does not know it yet.

Next to go will be off-shore drilling, continued rape of our forests, contamination of our water supplies and the depletion of our natural resources. Enough enough enough already.

Dark Woman?

inspired by the photograph linked above

what is a dark woman?

is it the mystery
she contains within?
is it the contrast between
the iris and the white of her eye?
is it the veil
that obscures natural beauty?
the glowing quality of her skin?
is it the needs
we know she will fulfill?
mammy, wet nurse, cook, the maid.

who is the dark woman?

one whose presence remains unknown
indifferent to us yet not alone
she who heals and removes the hurt
she who moves quietly now
patient discrete persistent replete
she who knows us; staid and mighty.


no, simply the shadow of doubt
cast upon her by a society troubled
by years of indoctrination, centuries of
unexplored psychology, a history of
repression and xenophobia.

your neighbor, your wife,
your colleague or boss, your
partner for life.
we are the dark woman...each of us
in some type of way. we who serve
we who pray. we who birth we sashay

we smoke and drink we work we play.
we dance we live we love we laugh

who is the dark woman for you today?

What Eyes

, originally uploaded by lucienphoto.

she was watching her sister play softball. she was running the bases after a wonderful hit. i casually grabbed this and a couple of other shots. she was sitting with mother and his twin.

You Did Not Say

Clouds, originally uploaded by lucienphoto.

You did not say
I have to be on my knees when to you I pray

You did not say
to hold my hands special when to you I pray

You did not say
wait for a unique time when to you I pray

You did not say
only certain people to you can pray

You did not say
how my heart should be when to you I pray

What you said is true this day

If I do not know how to pray
If I do not know what to say
You have already given me the way

You said to Our Father do I pray
recall that his name is holy, his name the way
know that in heaven we can all go to stay.

All we need to is listen I say
Hear the knock heed the way.

What you said is true tomorrow
An easy way to avoid much sorrow.
Forgive those who do us harm
By mouth and look and their own arm
You give us as much in return
One more way to avoid the burn.

A talk with you can save us more
Temptation is such a general word
Both greed and lust knock on my door.
Wicked siblings also thrive
Of deadly sins there are still five.

From evil take us far away.
Let us find new ways to pray
and tell you back of your great love
and how with love in kid skin glove
you show to us day in and out.

This prayer this song is all about.

You did not say to do or not.
The choice is ours...to live or rot.

It can go like this if just for today

One Red Tulip

One Red Tulip, originally uploaded by lucienphoto.

The light yesterday was perfect. Soft and warm. The air was cool, there was a slight breeze blowing the flowers that suddenly sprung up in our garden. I might have missed these if I had not been staring out the window. The kids were out with their mom for Mothers' Day and I was wiped out after a very hectice Sunday School. Lots of wild energetic kids. Just the way they should be (I think?). This is my reward for taking a minute to stop and think about life and love and family. This is my reward for caring enough to get up for Sunday School. This is my reward for taking the time to set up my camera on manual. This is my reward for caring enough to use the features that this camera has. This is just my reward. I was amazed when this was loaded into PSE-5. The color was brilliant, exactly like I had seen it, but the green leaves in the background were kind of muted. I recall them having more saturation. I thought for sure they might be a distraction, but this is what happens when the muses talk with you.

Iris

Iris, originally uploaded by lucienphoto.

there are so many things wrong in our world today. prices escalating, war, famine, despair and hatred to name a few. greed would also make the top of my list and may be the reason we have all the problems i listed before. but in the midst of all the problems there is beauty. we have each day before us a new sunrise and new opportunities to make the world right again. imagine if we actually believed that we are good enough to restore our habitat, that we can have peace in this world today, that we have enough food and water on the planet to make sure that everyone has enough. enough must be a factor in our greediness.

i am still spending more money than bringing in. the attorney fees have drained my savings. my loca sister is still pretending that she is the famed white knight for my mother. her days are numbered and the greed that i speak of here is more than likely related to our dilemma. the greed that makes my loca sister think that she can control my mother's life; that she can choose how to spend the money; that she can have her declared incompetent; that she can choose to abuse her at will. everyday i have to choose between what is convenient and what is right. most days that is easy. i have smart attorneys that i can consult with. but what is right or legal may not always be the right thing to do.

i am teaching my children as i teach myself that we can all continue to learn...that we can all make the world a better place not tomorrow but right now. we can all stop and think about the one thing we can do to make this world a better place. pick up that trash (immediate) and dispose of it. recycle, even if not convenient for us today, because it means we have a better world tomorrow. we can all do something so that there is enough. OK?

Self-Portrait

Self-Portrait, originally uploaded by lucienphoto: Luke.

This is me behind the camera. My favorite place in the scheme of things.

Work

It is Saturday morning. I have had my pancakes and bacon, juice and milk. I have run the vacuum to pick up the little dust bunnies floating around our house. I even pulled some down from the ceiling with that great skinny attachment for crevices on the vacuum. It is snowy and windy and cold outside. The chimes on the deck are making that inimitable gong sound. The birds are voraciously feeding and frolicking in the snow. Instead of just hanging out today, I have to go into work. Family Group Conference for a family on whom I have already given up hope. But we will listen to the whining about lack of services and the rants about how unfair the system is to them. I then get to go back to court and say we can't support the plans the family has created. I will be the primary target today. I will be quiet and remain calm.

You Gotta Have Faith

Christina, originally uploaded by lucienphoto.

I really enjoyed working with this subject. We talked about things other than photography. She had depth and a serious side to her. She is a 3-D being. Here is just one of the many images we were able to capture of her. More to follow.

Wouldn't it be great if everybody you have incidental contact with were so pleasant? How many opportunities do we miss within our own family? Sets of friends? Are we as define and genuine as we could be? Might we have less strife? And pain? I guess I have to ask the person who knows all - My sister who has POA.

Red Petals

Red Petals, originally uploaded by lucienphoto.

Compassion fatigue....that is what I have. I am emotionally drained. I don't feel like I can give anymore or care anymore. My life is filled with caring for others; often times more than they care for themselves. I am not sure a vacation can fix the problem. I wake up refreshed but somewhere in the process of getting the kids out the door I lose all interest in interacting with others. It drags me back into the hole that I feel I am constantly being forced back into. Thinking about what my work and my life means for others does not give me enough to pull me through the molasses of emotion and despair. It is not winter. It is thinking about this election and preparing for another trial or getting another case (with the same individuals). It is all the driving between here and there and the lack of personal responsibility for everything going haywire in somebody's life somewhere. It is the push towards the next round of emotionally draining court experiences about my mother. The lame sister who claims self-righteousness. It is the parenting of an adolescent. The thanklessness of so many daily things. It is the taking for grantedness that we all share.

I wish that a new job or the lottery would come to save me from this, but I know in reality that I will have to dig deep and find the source for true fulfillment inside of me. Swallow hard and take a deep breath and wait for my wisdom to surface.

Teenagers

My daughter decided she could put a couple more holes in her ears. She conveniently "forgot" about the agreement from just earlier this year. She has not been honest about all that is going on in her "risky secretive" life...of boys and girls and sexual trysts. She thinks that she is the only person to have ever had these hormonal urges and compulsions. Watching her ride the emotional roller coaster of adolescence. It is scary being a parent these days.

Teens

Teens, originally uploaded by lucienphoto.

Creative use of lighting and shadow. This worked well for this reluctant teen. The conversion to b/w came later. She is the daughter of a co-worker. We spent a considerable amount of time in the studio laughing and letting her know that she would be safe and that nothing harmful would come of the photo. Teens are so very sensitive and concerned about how they present to the world. This fascinates me because so many have a brash and defensive posture that pushes adults away. In reality so many of them are cream puffs just trying to figure out how to get their emotional and quickly changing physical needs met. I think she will enjoy this photograph.

Feeling Better

I have been sick the last week. Body aches and pains...terrible headaches and falling asleep all the time. It should have been a good week for me, but I had these two have to get to court hearings, boys basketball and just other stuff. But today after a long weekend of lounging, napping, sleeping, drinking tea and hot chocolate I feel better. Just in time to go back to work. Back to the place where children are at risk. Back to the place where we choose how much abuse and neglect we can allow. Where do the rights of the parents end and the rights of the children take precedence? Even thinking about my mother, I ask when will the courts do what is right rather than expedient? Who is looking after the rights of the weak? It certainly is not my mother's social worker! It is not that lame judge who ran roughshod over the family gathered in his presence! It is not the immensely inappropriate POA. It is not the GAL we requested but were not able to obtain. It is not the Dept of Human Resources in GA! Waiting for justice in our indifferent court system means waiting in vain.

A Rose by Any Other Name

A Rose by Any Other Name, originally uploaded by lucienphoto.

Sorrowful!

Beautiful Child

Beautiful Child, originally uploaded by lucienphoto.

This is film photography. I chose the film and processed the negatives myself. Unfortunately, I did not do this film justice. This was wonderful light in the studio and this was the nearly perfect pose of this darling child looking up at her mother. But still it is an image worthy of posting. No, it doesn't have that shiny digital face. It has lots of grain and you can see the dust on the negative scan...I probably should have cleaned it up in PSE5, but I wanted to see what it would look like on the web.

I also have some negatives of my mother that I must have taken 2007 Mothers' Day. They will likely be grainy as well.

Art is Life

We have all heard the saying that "Life Imitates Art". I am here to say that life really is art. Same hard choices. Business school or History. Foreign language or mathematics. All our choices impact our future choices. Notice though that I only admit "impact". There are too many artists and pseudo artists who have a personal pity party going on. They have some misguided belief that being an artists means suffering and privations. That it means not being able to pay one's electric bill. That it means that the artist is always looking for a patron to sponsor him/her. This morning I looked at a few photographer's websites. More of the information is about how to make money; how to market oneself; how to advertise or not; how to determine what is fair pricing. Makes you think that being an artist might mean choosing to wear two hats ARTIST and business person. It would be nice if people were pounding on your door to have their portraits, weddings and events done and that there was some magical way that you could easily convince them that artists have needs, supplies and expenses, too. But there isn't so, the artist has to establish his/her own fair pricing. A digital camera cost X dollars and will last Y long. When that camera needs to be replaced with a new version it will cost X+ dollars. Other expenses are gas, housing, food, lodging for trips to make the photographs, insurance, pensions or savings, upgrades, education, professional fees. It is quite a bunch to keep track of and we haven't even produced a single photograph yet. It is not free. Time is valuable. Ask any executive who needs to have time in the schedule for 9 holes on Friday afternoon with the lobbyist or the legislator. I think I see why so many of us barely make it. Let's let people really pay for the skill and the energy and talent. We can always donate our time for charitable causes.

Ice on Rocks

Ice on Rocks, originally uploaded by Lukasia.

This is the view from our window. Last night we heard the wind whipping the waves against the frozen shore. Mean temperature of Lake Superior is 40F. Imagine just how treacherous that is for sailors and the poor soul who might wander out onto the rocks for a better view. Cold and slippery...I had a dream that my ever so adventurous daughter took a risk and that I drowned struggling to save her from the icy waters. But it is beautiful just to look at; especially from the warm interior of our room with jacuzzi and fireplace.

Ice

Take take take. Sometimes you have to give them exactly what they ask for. My daughter wants to spend all of her time with her GF and family. She spent the day with her and now she wants to sleep there for the night. I am not going to fight her; mostly because I will not force myself to be around the sulking silly soror. I also intend to put my energy and time into the people who are here and making this a family event. I shared with her my displeasure and even offered her an analogy related to her recent injury. No go. Nothing gets through that tremendous armor plating that she has encased her 13 year-old mind in. Nothing gets through the forcefield of ignorance. But I did take some beautiful photos.

 
 
 
 

Sometimes you just have to go on and do what you know you should be doing. I worked yesterday and was really tired when I arrived home. I thought I might simply like to open a nice bottle of merlot or slip back out to the liquor store to grab some Irish Cream. But we had plans to visit friends for New Year's Eve. These friends have two daughters that are in my Sunday School class. They see me regularly and like me. We have also taken care of their dog when they have been out of town. So we showered and dressed and headed out the door for the 30 minute drive across town on New Year's Eve. My wife was driving because she prefers her style to mine, even though she has creeping night blindness. I sat quietly and snapped some photos on the way. Downtown at dusk; the tunnel, and some interesting lights. Nothing worth keeping. We were moving along at 60mph and I didn't really anticipate a keeper from the bunch. But it was experimental. Play with the shutter; play with the ISO.

There was another couple there. Older, golf buddies of the husband. We had met them before but really had not gotten to talk with them.

The girls were on their starlet best behavior. It was raucous and fun.

Great dinner - roast, potatoes, gravy, and a kickin' salad with pecans and apples and greens. We polished off a couple bottles of wine...one we had not heard of that was awesome and inexpensive (tasty and cheap). Oatmeal raisin cookies, cheesecake for dessert and more wine. The group abandoned the table and headed off into the LR for some discussion - politics, personal views and to get to know each other better.

This night ended too soon for me. Have to do this again. Adults and kids.