Gone

Will be on vacation for a couple of days. This is good news as I need a break from the chauffering and monitoring and cooking. Get to share that with someone else for a while. There will be other adults there as well; kids can play together or not but there will be company other than each other for a spell. I am guessing the 13 year old wants to isolate herself from anyone and anything that does not meet with her approval - but she is not judgmental. Hypocrisy is what she looks for and thus finds with everyone with whom she comes into contact. Tough to be judging everyone and everything you know. In the absence of the familiar, one has to fabricate or CREATE normalcy. What does it feel like? What does it look like? Through the eyes of a young woman who is struggling to define and re-define who she is and who she wants to be, this real work.

There are so many pressures that exert themselves on the weakened psyches of our children cum adults. Music, movies, TV, pop culture, religion, drugs, sex and sex appeal, adults, other kids, dancers, liars, and thieves. Some wonder how this generation might make it out unscathed. But perhaps that is not the point. Unscathed might mean unaffected and having given no thought to what surrounds us. Perhaps the best of us take what we can from our society and leave the dregs behind. Those of us who have already come this far have a much altered perspective of what it means to "grow up". We of the Leave it To Beaver and Ozzie and Harriet generation have suffered. We couldn't hear when our parents told us and our children can't hear us....Think of it as inter-generational deafness. We probably can't stop them from making some of the bone-headed mistakes our parents tried to warn us of. They have to meet and face Joe Black on their own terms with their own language in a much different sounding/looking/tasting/feeling context. Let's just be there to support them when they fall and to cheer them on when they fly...and fly many of them will. You wait and see.

I Joined a Co-op

I am excited. Besides the online prints, those who live near or pass through Minneapolis can touch a print. Yes, it means more work...it means I actually have to mat and frame before it is sold. But it is a good process. In addition to my photography, there is wonderful work from a variety of artists. There is jewelry and some handmade soap. There are gifts in all price ranges. Check it out.

Lunacy or Big Brother

Just One Brief Pause, originally uploaded by Lukasia.

I know that a city the size of NYC has its own brand of special problems. I can't imagine the pressures the councilpeople and burroughs presidents must have to appease the constituents, but this might be going too very far. Weep as we watch freedom take a back seat to lunacy. Read between the lines and see potential for abuses like we have not seen in years. Speak quietly and allow our precious freedoms slip out the back door of conservatism. Here it is for your review:

By Grace Rauth
New York Sun, August 23, 2007

New legislation before the City Council could make it illegal for New Yorkers to look at a naked neighbor.

Council Member Peter Vallone Jr., a Democrat of Queens, is proposing to outlaw voyeurism by extending a state law that forbids nonconsensual peeping with cameras. He'd apply the law to also include, in the city, peeping with the naked eye.

The law would target offenders who crane their necks to peer under the dresses of women scampering up and down subway stairs. But the legislation also would ensnare anyone caught glancing into the window of a private bedroom or bathroom, which, in a city full of densely packed apartment buildings, is a hazard or a pleasure of urban life, depending on how you look at it, or who your neighbors are.

"If you have an expectation of privacy and someone is looking at you, you would be violating this law," Mr. Vallone said. It would not, for example, protect someone who stands naked beside her living room window, he said.

The New York Civil Liberties Union said the legislation, which was officially introduced yesterday, was too broad and could lead to abuse. The bill's "lack of clarity confers a license for abuse on those empowered to enforce the law by leaving it up to the individual police officer to decide which kinds of viewing are lawful and which kinds are degrading and hence unlawful," the group's executive director, Donna Lieberman, said in a statement.

Under Mr. Vallone's bill, characters on the television show "Friends," which was set in New York City, probably would be serving hard time. The cast regularly watched a man who lived across the street, known as the "ugly naked guy." A nudist, he might not have pressed charges.

While the bill was designed to deal with repeat offenders who do their peeping in public, Mr. Vallone acknowledged that, "invariably, other situations are going to get caught up in this."

Violations would be considered misdemeanors, punishable by up to 90 days in jail and a $500 fine.

The bill states that it would be illegal for anyone to deliberately view another person in a private place when they are in a state of undress, having sex, or using the bathroom, without that person's knowledge or consent. In a public place, it would be illegal for a person to deliberately or repeatedly go to a position to view "another person's sexual or intimate parts" when "such parts are not otherwise visible to the public."

A spokesman for Mr. Vallone, Andrew Moesel, said the law would be easier to enforce than some might think. A victim of peeping would be able to call the police and give a description of the offender.

Just One Brief Pause

Just One Brief Pause, originally uploaded by Lukasia.

Everybody is watching someone at the fair. My son was tired and we took a few minutes for him to put his feet up on the wall. While I was there I had a chance to really look at the people at the fair. They were coming from all over the place as we sat by the main gate. Crisscrossing lines of stragglers, gaggles of gawkers, haphazard groupings of hedonists in search of "something on a stick" to eat. This dad and his son sat down near us for a few brief moments. I wasn't sure who needed the rest more - dad or son. I am betting it was dad since he is carrying the tyke on his shoulders.

Life is filled with poignant moments like this. We get to see what is going on if we simply stop long enough to disengage from the maelstrom. This morning I am going to pick up an internet colleague to deliver a lens I sold to him and to carry him and his wife to the airport. They are from Norway. This is a pleasure for me. All because I elected to stay home and take care of the kids.

My sister (Ms POA) has sent me a note indicating there will be some caregiver changes for my mother. It starts in its usual cheery style. I still ask myself what she has to be so bubbly and cheery about. Time will tell. The attorney indicates we are waiting to hear from the appellate court and that it could take months. Of course, this is how fast and accurate the justice system is. With this I better close, before I end with some vitriolic rant about fairness and being kept from my own mother.

Monster

Monster, originally uploaded by Lukasia.

It's State Fair time again here in MN. I volunteered this year for MNartiists and went Friday afternoon for free. I rushed so I could get to the Cities 97 stage and maybe see some live performers (John Resnick and the Goo Goo Dolls). They were running late and the crowd was starting to thicken...(I hate crowds and being crushed). I looked around at that Cities 97 crowd and noticed so many blond haired blue-eyed people. I stopped to think that perhaps I should have been in another booth or so. Amazingly, I did not see another tanned or dark face....maybe that curly-haired girl waiting with her blue-eyed teeny bopper friends. I did get to hear Colby Callait from the studio.

I contemplated which of the forbidden grease-filled foods would do me the least harm. I tossed that idea into the roaring buzz of the growing crowd and headed right for the FRIED CHEESE CURDS that have done me in before. $4.75 later I had an oozing deep fat (but no transfat) heap of golden gooey cheese chunks. I ate half and remembered why I don't like them anymore. I thought about giving them away but thought better of that idea. Into the trash. Off to the Education Building.

A huge crowd just inside the front door waiting for the bag o's the season from St. Thomas University. This is the bag that will be filled with the freebies that people patrol the fair for. Yardsticks, magnets, buttons, cards, who knows and who cares as long as it is free stuff items.

My shift ended at 9:00...I strolled along the Midway. I was torn between watching and wanting to flee the fair as quickly as possible. I took a couple shots of the beautiful enticing lights of the midway and then beat a hasty retreat back to my car.

I get to go again today with the family.

Simple Things

Simple Things, originally uploaded by Lukasia.

I don't often have time during the week to stop and smell the roses. Life always seems more hectic than need be. This week was different. The kids were on vacation with their mother. I had time to enjoy a meal without rushing off to some practice or event, chauffer duty or house cleaning. I had time to think about what I want to do with my life, my photography, my career and my family. Thanks for this. This image is one small part of the extra time that I had. I walked around this train and looked and looked and looked. This is what I saw. This is the Elephant Sitting in the Living Room that we so often fail to notice. It is big and obvious, but in the midst of all that we constantly have going on, we do not notice the details. This is a larger part of something.

Two great things happened otherwise this week. One, someone requested one of my prints. She then created a testimonial about my photography that generated some strong emotion in me. The other also generated incredibly strong emotion. That was one of the foster parents calling to let me know that she appreciated my hard work and dedication on the case that most recently resolved. It is nice to have recognition for what we do. I should offer that in return to someone who I sincerely believe deserves it. Look around you; find someone and give that person a genuine complement. See how it makes that person feel and perhaps behave towards others.

Quickly

not much time before my battery dies here tonight. it has been an interesting couple of days. supervised visit tonight with a convicted sex offender. he has not seen his daughter in quite a few months. i thought he was kind of tough on her. i was also impressed with how tender he could be. that is the paradox of my job. i have to pass judgment on parents who probably have not had the luxury of good or great parenting. they are basically operating at the deficit level and then comparing themselves to some ridiculous Madison Avenue standard.

Lillies

More Lillies, originally uploaded by Lukasia.

i went to the conservatory today in preparation for my trial tomorrow. the lillies were beautiful...there was the sound of laughter from children as they raced up to the dinosaur to sit and have their photo taken. inside and out the sun shone beautifully and there was peace in my heart.

Goose with Wake

Goose with Wake, originally uploaded by Lukasia.

I have had some time to think about who is to blame for the bridge falling here in Minneapolis. Some people want to point their fingers at the Republican Party; some at the Department of Transportation; some at the "Thing That We Dare Not Call A War In Iraq"; others have conspiracy theories that place the blame on somebody. Here is my simple take. We (the penny-pinching, NIMBY, I Hate Taxes (Unless They Benefit Me Somehow Americans) or the I Don't Mind Being Taxed If It Is an Expenditure I Endorse group. The collective we who have forgotten that the purpose of taxes is benefit for the COMMON good. Amazing now that the first of the lawsuits are beginning to surface. We hate TAXES but we love to sue when something goes wrong. What if we are all to blame? Does that mean that we ALL have a responsibility to see that nothing like this ever happens again? Does it mean that we all owe each other apologies for our short-sighted thinking? Does it mean that we should remember this tragedy when the politicians start proselytizing on the campaign trail?

Or will be lost in the next awful thing that happens? Do we really care enough about this loss of life that we are willing to forego immediate returns on our stocks? Does this mean that we could look at a fair assessment and payment of taxes? Does this mean that we collectively decide that money is never as valuable as safety? Will this bleed over into corporate practices? Will we start paying fare wages? Will we make sure that all have health insurance? Will we eliminate homelessness here in the US? We should, but I fear that we will not. In the wake of this tragedy will there be a lone strong voice that can change our ways? I hope so! Maybe it is you. Have you thought about this?

Ideas

So I have this idea that a few good men need a lot of good press. I am talking specifically about your average African-American Joe. We have had a bad run of press lately. Sports stars behaving badly. Rappers and hip-hop artists saying doing and being outrageous. I have this idea that your average everyday non-African-American needs to know that we are pretty much just like they are. I'm thinking that the media does a poor job of showing just how boring my life really is. I don't have anything to do with dog fighting, raping women, abusing my spouse, or doping it up for sports or avoiding life.

Oh what is there to all this? There are just too many people who have some other agenda. I like the idea of showing what the everyday heroes are like. Simple guys who go to work, pay taxes, coach little league teams, mow their own lawns and shuttle kids to and fro. The world needs to know that these guys are the heroes. Those people who just work and play, shop at Sears and WalMart or Old Navy stores. Hunters and guys who like to fish on weekends or play a little soccer, golf, football, basketball, or swim. So tell me what you think. Will this calendar sell?

Random Thoughts

Now we can watch our politicians squirm. Do they really want to help us or is this just another manipulation to get re-elected? I am not sure. We have so much to be thankful for here, yet we are such awful penny-pinching twits. I only want to pay for the services that I think are valuable. If it does not affect me, then it must not be necessary. Of course, since I have all the money I could ever imagine having, I do not really need any services, thus my taxes should be low. I will only support candidates that will make sure that my agenda is the only real thing that appears in the media that my friends, fellow directors and country club members endorse. Just a thought.

Mom never showed at the hospital for her son's brain surgery. She was too busy doing something else to make it to the hospital during the 13 or so hours he was having brain surgery. Maybe we should have gotten a two-fer one. Kind of makes me angry, especially since she was late getting to her supervised visit with the other seven children (two in Chicago with sick grandmother). Yes, she does have 1o children. No she is not taking care of any of them. Go figure! She is now angry with me.

Spoke to mom last week...she misses us. I suggested she tell Ms POA that she would like to come for a visit. I know that even if she remembers that this situation is not likely. But it is an idea that we need to explore. Still waiting to hear what the appeals court has to say about the case from hell. We just have to have faith that someone will want to see true justice served. Someone out there has to care enough about fairness and acknowledge that elder abuse is real. That twit tried to get me nailed with an abuse or neglect finding. That would have also resulted in the loss of my job. The risk was there but now seeing how corrupt the people are that she has hoodwinked, I should have been more worried. Taking bread from my children.


National Night Out. Too hot here. No block party for us. Gotta go.

Pensive Moment

Pensive Moment, originally uploaded by discerning light (Luke).

what is the value of one human life? a few dollars that the state saved so very worth it so that the rich could have more money than they could spend in a few lifetimes? in the final analysis i think probably not. what if it were your family member sitting on that bridge? we too often think that we are above the laws of nature by virtue of our righteousness or wealth. we are not. i am really too extremely distraught to think about the gravity of this situation. America, we should be ashamed of ourselves. No life is so easily expended. Everyone matters to someone out there.

Blame Game

Now comes the blame game. Everyone will be busy distancing themselves from the responsibility for the catastrophe. Initially, everyone was telling reporters that the bridge had been inspected and should have been fine. Now a new version of the truth begins to dribble from the lips of the people who we trust to monitor these things. Government agencies who have smaller budgets because no one likes to pay taxes. Well, guess what folks, it is our infrastructure. We drive more miles in larger vehicles and there are more of us driving. Who should pay for that? But we want to be able to have it all. Finer homes, with pools and security systems and satellite dishes and ....We just do not want to pay for those "hidden" expenses. Pollution, degradation, deforestation, dirt, poverty, anarchy. There are some of us who think we can shield ourselves from these extras. We think that our enclosed enclaves are castles with moats. I can assure you they are not. We think that the police exist to protect us from the have nots. To some extent this is true...but even then we have dwindled the sheer numbers and they are overpowered and understaffed. They can't be in all places at all times protecting all the "haves" who are spread out all over the place. Who are we going to blame when the seams rip the "fabric" of our society into tatters? Smart money is on blame ourselves. Too bad that will not happen!

My mother called me last night. She wanted to talk. She misses me. I told her to call Ms POA and let her know that she would like to visit her son in MN. I am not sure she will remember this conversation. I think she recalls emotion states, but can't quite have the portions of the brain effectively communicating with each other. This is so very sad. I imagine part of it is frightening; another part of it is blissful. Being disconnected from the tragedy of your own reality could allow one to simply exist. There should be some simple pleasures. The captors that care for my mother do not know me; don't seem to care for me and do not acknowledge me. I get no information from them - although it has been requested. The tragedy of this all is that our family could avoid the blame game. We are intelligent. Capable of reason and rational though. We have opposable thumbs. Somewhere in the education process though a couple of us became predators. I hate these kind of people. People who prey on the most vulnerable in our society should be sent to Papillon Island. There they can learn about being victims.

Soon mother dear. Sooner than perhaps you know. There will be victory.

Crumbling Infrastructure

While we rebuild Iraq and allow our soldiers to die unnecessarily, for a lost war, our national infrastructure is crumbling. Today a bridge across the Mississippi River that is part of an interstate highway collapsed during the end of rush hour here where I live. Fortunately, at this time we do not have as many deaths as I feared we might. I am still too devastated to collect my thoughts about this, but we have diverted too much of our nation's income to fund a senseless war. I know that this was a freakish accident. I know that the structural engineers will likely say that it was not a maintenance or engineering issue. I know that we would likely not have spent the money on the infrastructure anyway. But we have let it go to pot here. Thinking about how this may affect our community for years to come. I know that my son and I were just talking about what to do or what one might do in just this set of circumstances.

Freedom

The party that purports to be about personal freedom and choices (school education, work, etc.) seems bound and determined to undermine the freedoms that most American have come to take for granted. What am I talking about? The slow erosion of freedom that started during a recent administrative coup. For longer than most can remember, the US has had great relations with our neighbors. Canadians and West Indians were free to travel with us to and fro without passports. Now we all need them. It is really a crackdown on Mexico and the unstoppable flow of workers across the lines. But we call it immigration reform. Everybody knows that the workers are here. They probably are not taking jobs from the segment of our population that has disdained those jobs anyway. We aren't really any different than other nations that have taken advantage of the poor workers from other places. I know that Swedes have hired help. So did my college roommates parents in the Bahamas. A Haitan woman if I recall correctly.

New York City wants to ban cameras and some other kinds of public gatherings. I think that it makes some economic sense. Charge people or at least keep track of who is doing what. Isn't that the real TRUTH. We want to monitor everyone and everything. That perhaps is the one truth that might set us all FREE again.

Your Turn!

Reviewing details of an appeal brief. Lawyers use so much hyperbole and jargon that it is remarkable that anything ever gets done in our society. Even the good ones. Quietly going about my business. Angry daughter, angry wife about the deteriorated relationship between us and the hostile and angry 13 year old. I imagine that my daughter would like to live anywhere but here right now. She is approaching the point of eruption or implosion. She is filled with contempt and despite repeated attempts to engage her she is being reclusive and dismissive. I understand her frustration, but I find it difficult to have her constant insolent and demanding personality to experience when I have enough of my own stuff going on. Teenage films are filled with fantasy about growing up and seeing it from the other side. I want my fantasy to include not having the kids. It would mean having money and being able to travel and eat out periodically. Not that I would not regret not having them, but fewer issues would be nice.

Wake Up

It is a beautiful sunny Saturday morning here in Minneapolis. The air is fresh and there is the slightest cooling breeze. I can breathe today. That is literal and figurative. What about all those poor souls who can't get relief? Soldiers, homeless people, people who live in devastated and war-torn areas? I bet they are not worried about what the DJIA is doing or what the pundits on Wall Street have to say about the economy. They are worried about the next meal or where to sleep in safety. Kids who may not have known a day of peace or had time to stop and look at a flower. Mothers who worry more about friendly fire than what to prepare for dinner. Imagine waking up to the sounds of armor piercing bullets or a bullhorn advising you to stay indoors for the day. We have to wake up and allow others to enjoy some of the freedoms that we have. We have to be willing to have less so others can have enough!!

Aching Heart

Tonight is one of those nights. I am not so tired. My heart aches. I just finished reading a brief the attorney is preparing for an appeal of the most recent court decision. The wound is about to be rent open again. I am not sure that this family will survive the next gory attack.

Chocolate, Wine and Music

Yes, it was a tough day at work. We sent a 17 year old home with her mother. Her mother has failed to protect her and her younger sister from at LEAST two sexual predators. One is the girls's father, who is currently in prison. But he was able to make a court appearance today. The other is a man with the same first name. Mom should avoid "Marvins" with a passion. She will not likely though. Statistically, we have little chance of success with Mom. Or her daughters for that matter. Generational transmission of sexual victimization is rampant, unless we can provide the right interventions. We may not have time to accomplish this though. The Court simply wants to clear this matter from its calendar.

Music is Jazz mix on iPod...right now it is Eliane Elias.

Wine is Chappellet. Never heard of this merlot, but it is at least as good as a nice table wine.

Chocolate - Hershey's...can't always be Godiva.

The combo is fantastic though.

Still Life

Still Life, originally uploaded by discerning light.

Have you hugged anyone at all today? Tuesday I had lunch with an old friend. We caught up with each other. Seems no matter how much time has passed between visits that we can always start where we left off. He is separated now, but looks better than he has in years. I am happy to know that he is taking charge of his life! Time is a strong and persistent healer, if we allow it to happen.

Weather here still sucks. Too hot, too muggy, too hard to breathe. I have become a prisoner of A/C. Maybe I could be like the boy in the bubble. We could keep my body temp constant and I could function almost normally. Of course, that would mean that I really could not give anyone a hug.

Go make someone's day. Even if you can't literally give them a hug, you can send them a virtual hug. A note or two to remind them that they are important to you.

Air Quality

Last week when I was busy transporting children to medical and mental health appointments I noticed how terrible the traffic is here in my town. Mild road rage, disrespect and anger are boiling up. There are so many cars and trucks and vans and buses on the roads. The buses pass on the shoulder during rush hours. I know why but it still frightens me each time one of the behemoths cruises by on my right. These rush hours get longer and longer - now two to seven pm...and I do not even know what the morning times are. Fortunately for me, I do not usually have to resort to highway travel during these times. But it is summer time in Minnesota, meaning we are in full swing for our ROAD CONSTRUCTION. This means slower lanes, fewer lanes and more insanity. It also means poor air quality. Wheezing for me and headaches. I do not recall so many people living here. Where are we going to and coming from? I long for a short bus or bike ride in to work, with a decent grocery store within easy walking distance of my house. A small yard so that I can use a push mechanical mower, if at all. I think a flower and rock and wildflower lawn makes the most sense. Let the prairie do its thing here in the spring, summer and fall. I do not mind shoveling snow by hand. Even frequent snow falls as long as they are not heavy and wet.

So all the putrid air hanging over the city means I can't breathe. Means I can't ride my bike far. Means I can't play tennis or go for those long mind clearing walks. Means more air conditioning inside for me, which just adds to the problems of air quality. Sucks.

Show Some Emotion, Baby!

To all the mothers and fathers who have raised teenagers, I have to stop and say, Thanks. There is nothing on this earth like a human teenager when it comes to indignities, self-righteousness, and emotional expression. Each and every day is a made-for-television movie drama. It might start with something so simple as having a stomach ache, but it will probably end with tears and gnashing of coming-of-age teeth. For this parent, that translates into my cell phone going off in the midst of work. "This is an emergency, Daddy!" Unfortunately, my own teen years were characterized by emotional suppression. "Keep a lid on it, boy." There is nothing that could have prepared me for the roller coaster ride of abject lows and near-cocaine-like highs that I can see in just a matter of minutes. Fortunately, I am OK with this transition, too!

Can You Hear Me Now?

Lots and lots of people wish they could have someone listen to them. People talk to me all day long. They talk and talk and talk. I listen and when I am ready to respond, there is a general disgust about what I have to say. Hear me, Hear me, Hear ME!

What is it that I want to say? Just because you went to LAW SCHOOL does not make you a superior human being. Lawyers are not inherently smarter than "normal people". The truth is a commodity that can be traded and manipulated. The best argument wins.

This is pretty much like real life as well. Everybody has something they wish to sell. Important as dialogue might be to conflict resolution, it is a dying art. We live in the age of the sound byte. Say whatever you must in order to win the argument. Truth be damned.

OK, so why all the vitriol? Court of late has been a battle of the diverging truths. Mother assaulted by child's father. She is arrested when the police arrive at her house. Dad makes the call but flees. Mother swears that she was not assaulted by him, but in the same breath tells me that she knows that he is convicted of a domestic assault and is now in prison.

Dad agrees to a home visit by me and the GAL. He has an emergency and calls off the visit. I talk with him about this and he comes "clean". His house is a mess and he can't have us over yet. He also cancels his in-home visit with the therapist assisting him with reunification with his daughter. Now I have to provide this new information to the judge. Frustrating.

Sex offender dad calls me from prison. He just lays into me. Does not want to hear what I have to say. He has an agenda. His agenda is to puff himself up and to let me know that he will prevail- no matter what I do in this case.

Mother of same child calls me minutes later. She hates the program she is in. She knows that the judge has already told her she must do this. She just wants to get back to her old lifestyle. This is a lifestyle that has lead to five of her six children being placed somewhere else. It is almost hopeless.

Judge orders me to remove a child from her father's home. Remove the child because the mother alleges that he is violent. Alleges that he is abusive. This mother has been asked for documentation. She has failed to provide that information. Moms have drugs problems and have their children at home with them. Dads have to be saints in order to have their children living with them. Better a foster home than a father's home. Ouch!

Yesterday

Truly all my problems seemed so very far away. But as ever not for long. People disappoint. There is no getting around that. We can't live up to the constant demands and requests of other people. I am not sure but I certainly feel as if I am a constant disappointment for my wife. I can't seem to ever do right. I talk too little. I talk too much. I am too compassionate and forgiving. I am unrealistic in my demands. I am loving and thoughtful and moments later, crass and indifferent to her needs. I am lazy while busy doing more than my designated share of work. I am confused. I am human. I am on vacation and wish to relax. I want her to have the freedom to define herself as she wishes. I do not interfere with her morning prayer time, nor her desire to engage in church or community activities. I shuttle the kids to and from soccer, take time from work for transporting to medical and school appointments. She can attend or not based on her work schedule and desire to be there. Why then am I almost always in the dog house?

Today is the day to reflect and appreciate what it means to be a citizen of the USA. People from all over the world want to be here. They cross the borders illegally and with the express consent of the government. Phoenix 115 degrees today...hot and humid elsewhere. We take more than we give. We expect others to make the sacrifices that we ourselves are not willing to make. We expect all this and at WalMart prices. That is overkill. Simplification is my answer. Simpler emotions and simpler lifestyle. Bike when I can. Walk sometimes and drive less. Buy when I need instead of when I want. Easier said than done.

Tired Feet

Tired Feet, originally uploaded by unohuu.

This is real...Kids do not have to keep up appearances. When they are tired they let us know. When they are hungry or something does not taste good to them, they let us know. When did we adults make that ambassadorial change? When did we start to hide our emotions and put on the happy face? When did we become artificial?

Today's headlines are about the Supreme Court; the folly of putting a wall between the US and Mexico; the usual number of murders and mayhem in our cities; the pending health care insurance crisis in our country and one item of special note. A dad sacrificed his life to save the life of his child. Heroic. I wonder what that child's life will be like in the future. That is one very special child. Heaven's blessings on this man.

So, some of you are wondering what is going on with my mother and the all -powerful, all-knowing Ms POA. She sent an invitiation from the ADC for the 4th of July open house they are having. I am sure she had this for some time though because attached to the e-mail is her lamentation about not being able to get it scanned. I read this lament and thought "how about just passing the information on to us?" Why the grand production? Why the solicitous attitude. As you can see, I am still angry with her. Not many can maintain that level of vilification in my mind. I guess she is special. Maybe her eyes are bluer than mine.

I have time to write today because I am again on vacation...on a respite from the incessant demands of my job. Look for more thoughts on being real.

All Dressed in White

All Dressed in White, originally uploaded by unohuu.

June is over. I had two weddings this month. One was my family. Of course, I attended more weddings this month than I ever have. My niece also had a wedding. I drove more miles this month than a OTR trucker. Memphis, St. Louis, Chicago, Louisville. Just missed Atlanta as well, but that was last month. It takes its toll on the mind and the body.

She was radiantly beautiful. This was fun. I heard the rumor that she was changing into Bridezilla, but I did not witness it. Just the glow of joy. It came off without a hitch. He, too, is equally photogenic. You can see the photos of them on Flickr.

Sneeze, Drip, Cough

Things have changed. The hot dry weather means that hayfever started a month earlier for me. Itchy eyes, running nose, scratchy throat. The drugs make me drowsy and more lethargic than usual. Inert. But it can't slow me down too much. There are things to do and people to see. Soccer is almost over, but we start gymnastics and pottery for BK when the holiday week is over. That's right. For the first time in my working career (even that is different), I am taking a true holiday vacation. It seems wierd to me since I have always had to work vacations. Whether my FT or PT jobs, I have always been low on the seniority list (factor of switching jobs often). Now though I am one of the old timers.

A good book or two. Some music, games for the rainy days, swim suit and cameras. That's all I really need. Oh yeah, and a PT job to pay for this vacation. Wish me luck.

Take it Back

We live in a world where good people sometimes can't do enough to warrant the rewards of their behavior. We live in a world in which innocent children are shot down while doing homework. We live in a world in which newborns are dumped into garbage containers. We live in a world in which children are pitted against seniors for the diminishing pie of available money.

We live in a world in which the sun rises and warms our hearts and minds and bodies. We live in a world in which every one has the same twenty-four hours. What we do within those twenty-four hours defines who we are. We can choose to be loving or hateful. We can choose to be aloof or engaged. We can choose to laugh or cry. Thankful or miserable. Your choice.

We do know that the truth will prevail. After all the monuments have crumbled. After all the seas have dried up. The truth will prevail.

Slip-on Shoes

My sister and I had time to talk while I was driving and more after I got back from Chicago. My brother is now focusing on all the things that his family did not provide for him. He is annoyed or angry that our father made it to only 1 football game of his...he fails to recall the many other gifts he received from the family. I told my dad that I recalled him giving me an egg and sausage sandwich when I had missed breakfast once as a child. It was a big deal for me; apparently just parent fodder for him. That is the way that life is. We make mountains of molehills and expect that everyone attaches the same emotional significance to an event. That is big and small. So, apparently, the brother eventually started wearing slip-on shoes because his older siblings tired of tying his shoes and he was reluctant to learn. Tough being the baby in a family. I think we middle kids have it easier. Lower expectations (excepting the princesses in my family).

Withdrawal

It has been many a day since I last posted. It is a combination of factors. Life is speeding up. My oldest is now an official teen, instead of being a "wannabe teen". She has launched a full scale attack on the adults in her life. We are to blame for all her teenage angst and the principal targets for her new found wrath. Where did this little monster come from? It is imperative that I find my center and remain there.

There are personal attacks at work as well. I am being bombarded by the rants and complaints of the many clients that I work with who have personality disorders. It is enough to make one want to scream for submission. I could walk away from this job right now.

In addition we have soccer for the younger sibling. He needs a personal chauffer to drive him from place to place. I do not mind taking him, but it is summer here in MN and we are full into our second season (road repair) which means detours and slow traffic.

The situation with my POA sister is relentless as well. She parses out information as if it were being removed from her personal treasury. She tells us that a visit from my aunt from Gary is imminent, but fails to share that the annual checkup physical to Mayo for our mother is not necessary since she consulted with the Mayo Clinic and it was determined that routine tests could be completed in GA with her physician and then Mayo could decide. Of course, those tests are probably completed now. We wait with baited breath to get the results. Meanwhile the inane "friendly emails" continue. I am starting to think of them as distractions. She can tell the world that she worked at "maintaining contact". I would rather have my daily dose of spam from total strangers than some semi-conciliatory drivel from my sister who has been granted the authority to hold our mother hostage. I think that might make a nice anagram.
(SWHBGAHOMH)

My brother and SIL have honeymooned now and eagerly await the photos from their wedding. Yet they know that 1) I drove the father who almost did not get to perform the ceremony home to IL 2) rushed back to my job and kids 3) will be driving our father from St. Louis to Memphis for another wedding. And selling more assets to pay for the attorney that he agreed we should have to appeal the decision made earlier this year. Of course, he does not respond to email or pleas for assistance. He managed to call me quite a few times over the weekend while I was away for peace and quiet. Yet failed to respond to emails regarding his own wedding photography or requests for selection of the photos. I will be shot before I give my time and energy to another unappreciative and ungrateful family member. Some people have no concept of talent or professionalism since they have minions to do all for them.

Guess that brings me back to my present reality. Time to write some books and make some sense of the maelstrom. Later.

80mph

taken at 80mph returning from the wedding that almost was. what more can we know? we have the right to dissent from the status quo. we even still have the right to "free speech" as long as it does not become a Homeland Security issue. What do you think?

Oops

Expediently forgetful. Seems my little bro' called my sister. Thanked her for the wedding present she sent to them...ignoring the request for input and financial assistance with the new attorney's fees. He simply ignored the request I sent him a few days ago. I know they have been busy getting to know each other in the Biblical sense. Enough is enough. Bluster, rhetoric, hyperbole. Enough already. Cough up or shut up. That is all that I am asking. Is that too much?

Salt n' Peppa

Salt n' Peppa, originally uploaded by unohuu.

My brother married on Saturday. I flew into Chicago and drove with my uncle and father down to Louisville. There were not many wedding style events. No rehearsal dinner (in facct, there was no rehearsal), nor any kind of family gathering. We showed up; I set up my camera and my father's video camera and waited. A few minutes later, people started appearing. I had no idea who belonged to anyone side of the family. It really got me to thinking. I met my S-I-L and eventually her parents (who seemed truly disinterested in knowing us). I know nothing of her except snippets of what I overheard in hushed tones. She has been divorced twice. She has a twenty-one year old son. They were actually married last month so that they could purchase the house together. Our family has secrets. We could teach the hush hush services a thing or two. We could train spies.

This image was a practice shot for me. But it has become a reality as I think back to what the family has become. Ms POA wanted to hear from us and now she is simply ignoring the information that we shared with her. I think she needs a mental status exam. What purpose does it serve to tear this already weakened family apart? What will she get? What is in it for her? I continue to scratch my head in wonder.

My father's physical abilities continue to diminish. He refuses to give up though. My brother joked about him falling asleep during the ceremony. I knew that not being able to perform this after driving all the way would have broken his heart. In his own way, my gruff old dad is just an old sap. He is a soft touch for bunnies and cats and small children. He loves romance. I caught him watching Titanic last night on TV.

Back to the grist mill system of making empty promises to protect children. We have come full circle for sure when all one has to do is scream about the injustice of the very system designed to protect children from families and predators. I am not saying that we do not provide a valuable service to the community - I am saying that our efforts are only half-assed. Too much violence and neglect before we remove them. Too much damage to their psyches. Too few psychologists and social workers in charge. Too many business-oriented managers that want to count the widgets and show with some certainty that we are doing our job. What price for a life? Imagine she is your daugher or he your nephew. What price then?

Louisville

flight into Chicago today. Uncle and Dad picked me up at MDW and we hit the road for Louisville. My brother is getting married on Saturday. Nice drive. Much shorter than that trek to Hotlanta.

Twenty-six Years

It was twenty-six years ago today. Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play. This was my first wife. College buddy, fantastic friend over the years. She writes. Read her stuff. She creates jewelry. Buy her stuff. She is a great mom. I watched her as I struggled through a myriad of relationships. We stayed in loose touch with each other.

Given the state of my own family now, looking back through the years, I see patterns. My sister is the only one who has remained consistent through all of this. My sister manages to live and let others live as they wish. My two horribly selfish and and egotistical sisters have been nothing more that wall covering. One is a serious narcissist; the other a histrionic borderline. If they were clients instead of family I would be recommending medication. But then neither would listen.

Now I sit and wait for those precious moments when my mother is lucid and coherent. I hope that she recalls who I am each time I call. I know that she is overwhelmed by the sheer audacity of Ms POA and her hired CREW, but in a corrupt and inept system designed to protect the status quo, we must be patient.

Today my soon to be a teenaged daughter asked if I approve of GWB's politics. I was emphatic in my response. I know I have said this before, but it merits repeating. For a bunch of folks who want libertarian-like small unobtrusive government, the Republican Party sure does seem bent of intruding into our lives. Abortion, non-traditional marriage, fixing gas prices, sponsoring a state religion and mandating English as our national language. I think they are just the puppets of their true masters - Business as usual here in the USA. Give business what they want even if it is not in this nation's best interests. Give business what they want less they should pack up and move to a less environmentally conscious place. Maybe they could all move the Mexico and eliminate the need to build the very long fence. Maybe they could all move to Sri Lanka or India where they desire to work is strong. Maybe they thought of that and realize that business is afforded protection here that they can't get else where.

enough said. buy some jewelry from my ex-wife and say hello to her from me.

Praise from MotB

Left a CD on the desk of my co-worker so that she could share the photos with her daughter. She sent me an e-mail end of day indicating she was pleased. That is good news. My wife and I have now been invited to the reception. Cool.

Closeup

Closeup, originally uploaded by unohuu.

We met for drinks and dinner first. Talked about all kinds of things. We talked about work and motorcycles and divorces and kids and adoption and vacations and honeymoons and how I learned to speak Spanish. We took off for the park and then had a bit of fun shooting and talking and laughing. This was the first time I could get a couple to meet me before the wedding so that we could get to know each other a bit and to relax some with the camera. I wish them well. They are quite attractive as my wife said and I think they are photogenic.

Kitsch

Kitsch, originally uploaded by unohuu.

some things one can live without. more wars, taxes, hatred. today i went to the Farmer's Market, with family. We started out looking for a place to park. We split up so the kids could have a big juicy bratwurst for breakfast. more than thirty years ago i was probably doing the same thing as i slept in the convent and took the Eurail to Germany so I could get a solid night of sleep. Got there just in time to see the Germans having their brats and beer for breakfast and jump back on the train to get back to Luxembourg. I had run out of money and needed to get my baggage out of storage so I could board the flight back to the US. I am guessing that those lockers are no longer there.

why am i writing this? our homes are brimming with kitsch. things we thought were cute or adorable. did we need them? no we did not. but our consumer cultures seemingly compel us to buy more and more. shirts, food, dolls and toys, sporting equipment, cameras, stereos, video games, TVs.

Rock Zen

Rock Zen, originally uploaded by unohuu.

The Peace that Surpasses All Understanding.

The knowledge that we are intricately and inextricably part of the world that we create and recreate each and every day.

That all is that is.

Yesterday

I sent my sister's attorney a list of what we want. Actually it is only my sister and I. My brother is wrapped up in his own stuff right now, even though he too swore that we would not stop until my mother was free from the tyranny of Ms POA and her band of lying henchwomen. I think it odd that so many of the co-conspirators are Ms POA's lackeys. What has she promised them? A cut of the estate after they force my mother to rush headlong into an earlier than necessary death? What could cause the very social worker entrusted to PROTECTING my mother to turn a deaf ear on the misery she ignores? What evil lurks in the deformed and dimunitive heart of that woman? Was her mother a Lizzy-Borden-like character that heaped merciless beatings upon her? Was she mistreated at some time by some elder school teacher? Could she have been ignored by someone with my mother's name or manner of speech?

The list is simple...keep her paws off the mother and allow us fair access. Give up the POA for now and allow a state-appointed GAL to handle this. Apologize to my sister and my father. I do not need or want an apology from the tyranny because there is no longer any need to trust. This most recent behavior is an indication that her soul is already lost and I have no desire to try to confer with her other than freeing our mother. how much money is worth defamation; slander; lies and gross misconduct? What price one's dignity? One can always earn more money. One can always have more of something less tangible than fame. One can never have more blood relatives than one has. The betrayal of family is not forgiveable for me right now. I do not know what it would take for me to find that forgiveness in my heart. It still hurts to think that she allowed my sister to be jailed and to remain jailed - see how powerful and connected she is. She can't remember that MLK and Carmichael and many others gladly took jail time as a challenge to those who would deny our fathers and mothers the same freedoms as they took so cavalierly for granted. The sin of forgotten history.

Attention

Attention, originally uploaded by unohuu.

every once in a while i am able to make a beautiful photograph that i can still be proud of years later. this is one of those. i remember taking this image. already a couple of years old, i am still pleased when i look at it. it will be going to Whitewater for a gallery opening. Yea!

Bus Stop

Bus Stop, originally uploaded by unohuu.

a couple of nights ago i had a dream that i told off one of our judges and i was subsequently fired from my job. that was a good thing and i was able to do some of the things in life that i think are important. in no particular order they are spending time with my parents and family; spending more time actually helping others rather than being bogged down in a system that sucks the life and energy from some of society's true gems. i could spend time making beautiful photographs as well. the reality is that I would probably end up on the bus stop going to some job that really had no meaning for me whatsoever.

I Hate Soccer!

I Hate Soccer!, originally uploaded by unohuu.

kids get it right. they don't have the complex emotional and political lives that we adults have. they hate what does not interest them. they are honest about it. we hem and haw and fuss about this and about that. we could learn a bit from the kids.

Soccer Mom

Soccer Mom, originally uploaded by unohuu.

Our kids go to school in a neighborhood far away from where I live. They are at an inner city school. I wanted them to have the benefit of ethnic, social and cultural diversity. I am finding that is a double-edged sword. There are always some negative elements that you think you can ignore as factors when you start doing the math. I had probably over reacted to the problem of my daughter being the only other non-white kid in her kindergarten class. She was performing well then...now we are struggling with her pre-teen years and her struggle to define herself. She has not chosen the "right" African-American children. She has chosen the ruffians and young hoodlums. Yes, there is some parental overreaction at play here. But I had hoped she would "hook up" with the "young nerds" who excel at school and have horrible social lives. Sounds familiar. Guess she is too smart for that. At some point we have to let them go and fend for themselves. If they are not consumed by the social services, criminal justice or CD systems, I guess they all have a good chance for survival. I bet my mother had similar worries about me. Even though I was an Angel.

This is my son's friend's mother. We see her two or three times a week. She works in my building, too. Small worlds we really do live in.

Striped Tulip

Striped Tulip, originally uploaded by unohuu.

why can't we all live together? what happened to the ideals of our youth? we were going to change the world and in fact, time will look back and see that we did. we started the environmental movement and now we drive monster SUVs. we started talking about sustainable growth and now we have monster yards that require tons of petroleum based fertilizers to keep green. we talked about saving the whales and we gulp caviar and shrimp and scallops and sushi as if we might never eat again. we preached love and now avidly practice hate - we hate all those people who are not us - irrespective of who we are. we immersed ourselves in diversity and now we enclose ourselves in gated and policed communities because we are xenophobic. we embraced differences and now we abhor the different. we were tolerant of others; now we eschew all that does not fit into our neat little packaged sound bites.

would that we could be like the animals that we believe we are so very superior to. flowers and bugs and turtles and squirrels. this morning i saw road crew picking up deer that had been killed on the highway . i cried a short tear for those deer. i got to work and there were issues about saving children that were so very important. i called APS in that far away place where my mother lives. they hardly had time to take the report. this from a society that promised to respect elders and love children and place our values back in the heart of our constitution.

it just is not happening the way we planned. we have become the corrupt and morally bankrupt fathers and mothers that we so despised. we have sold out our souls for pension plans and stock options. we laughed while we were doing it. forget all those banal promises. forget that we preached brotherly love and helped our sisters escape the tyranny of chauvinism. what have we wrought?

that poor Indian sitting on the horse was shedding tears for what had become of a land he loved. we now have casinos in place of Native ideals. we have gambling fever. we have gross acquisition syndrome. we raid family assets because we think we are owed something. we penalize those who have saved and reward those who have frittered away money. we can't distinguish between the poor and the lazy. the ignorant and the indifferent the mentally ill and personality challenged the this and the that.

we have politicians who are afraid to make the tough choices - people over property and corporations. education over pork spending. rantings over rights.

how much time do you think we have left? maybe it is already too late.!

Grandeur on a Small Scale

Grandeur on a Small Scale, originally uploaded by unohuu.

yesterday was an incredibly difficult day. more of the same tooth gnashing and cursing and screaming and horrible narcissism. that is just me. the clients were even tougher acts. so after work and dropping off the soccer stuff, i stopped at my little private refuge. a slice of heaven tucked between the city and two suburbs. the quaking bog as it is called. a few acres of quiet and solitude. peace and joy in green and bright colors. croaking frogs and night insects singing mating songs. made my evening.

Life in a Fishbowl

being the child of a celebrity carries its own unique set of problems. you can't have a normal life. people watch everything you do and everything you don't do. you are judged not for who you are but what you are. PK - shorthand for Preacher's Kid and President's Kid. I was the clerical PK....and since i am Jr. as well, it was tough living up to the grander than grand and larger than life expectations. add to this your mother the English teacher in a small fishbowl and the pressures of being the first born son of these two freedom fighting but law-abiding citizens and you have a combo made for neurosis. at least two of us found a way to sublimate the pressures and confusion and have escaped rather unscathed. the rest of my siblings bear the mark of the unmistakable and undeniable strain of living the life that someone else has chosen for you. this is our surmise.

Ms POA has not freed herself from the fishbowl. instead of finding her own life and living it, she clamors for the false adoration; the artificial glory and adulation of the fishbowl...while we tired of the limelight and found solace in books and travel and friends, the rest continued to seek the glare and glory of the light and life in the fishbowl. a small fishbowl i think as well. we were not really all that prominent a family. we did have some aces up our sleeves - famous relatives; a few tough ancestors who were proud to be what they are; intelligence and diligence. we thrived and worked with other survivors. we believed in the common good, decency and self-respect. we believed in hard work, education and persistence in face of even the most challenging situations. we believed that hard work is its own reward. at least these are the lessons i learned. apparently, the other three learned something else. that "me" is more important than "us'. that i am not happy, no one should be happy. that being in the fishbowl is a blessing since i then have no responsibility to others, let alone myself. that finding ways to deflect is more important than finding ways to resolve.

the fishbowl has two lenses. one convex and one concave. the convex lens distorts and makes everything look large. from the concave perspective - inside the fishbowl - everything looks smaller than it is. easier now to understand. those who do not ask the questions about whether or not the fishbowl is a representative of the entire universe are doomed to believe that it simply is. like the Dark Ages, the world is flat is just good enough...even if there are enlightened people telling you that it is not. who would dare question the authority of the sages and the sacred thought police? the penalty might be life!

Always Surprises

My sister and I pull into the driveway and back out so as not to block other cars needing exit space. Ms POA and one of the soon-to-be identified CNAs apparently walk back into the house and lock the door. We come up the driveway and I ring the doorbell. My sister indicates to me that sometimes it does not work...I knock on the metal security gate and I hear Ms POA scream that she is coming from inside the house. She greets me with her falsetto tone and cheery upbeat attitude. (I want to scream back at her that I am tired and utterly frustrated with her conniving and triflin' ways, but I refrain.)

She is so happy because she has a special treat that she has purchased in my honor (no doubt). Of course, my mother was to have been "free" following her return from the secret placed where she is ensconced periodically. But now we are having this wonderful get together for catfish, cole slaw and potato salad. We have to wait though as another party is yet to arrive. (why, I think this was a recent Days of Our Lives drama presentation) The excitement and drama around the fish and fixins' is overwhelming somewhat for my mother. I just want to catch up with her for a minute and hear her side of her Life as Presented by Ms POA and Assoc.

But I am treated instead to a soliloquy about the travails of obtaining this catfish and how it had better be a drastic improvement over last week and how next week it would be a different kind of fish because they are having a special and Mama should sit down and eat the catfish before it gets cold even if she is not hungry because she just finished eating a snack or a meal sometime ago at the place where she is kept during the day so that we can't poison her mind with thoughts of freedom and dignity.

The abuse crew (AC) starts to bombard my mother with petitions to sit down and eat. I think it was implied that she should be grateful that they had gone to all this trouble to get this for her. Let's review this now. CNA on staff and her main job is to hold the TV remote and find creative non-bruise like ways to emotional harangue my mother. They watch the most mind-numbing TV shows and basically disregard my mother as much as they possibly can, with the exception of following Ms POAs torture orders to a "T". Here is an example. My sister's quasi-DP is finally here with the cole slaw. Could not quite put that together until later with some breathing room. She was there for backup - a just-in-case something goes down kind of ally.

The AC could not get Mama to touch any of the food they had brought. She was visibly upset by all the chaos and confusion around her and then they attempt to force feed her some prescribed medication (not from the container) during this moment of total distress. There was some meltdown and some harsh words spoken by the Silken Tongued Vixen. It always amazes me when I hear my mother slip into vernacular (she was such a proponent of the QE, that I had to sniggle a wee bit) and give these folks a piece of her still quite intact, but obfuscated mind.

It was over quickly though. Mama just usually wants someone to listen to her - call it validation or something like that. Talk with her rather than talk to her like a small dependent child. Talk with her about her life rather than talk around her about her condition. She knows about her lapses and does not need to have constant reminders about her increasing inabilities. I tend to think of focusing on her strengths rather than her deficits.

Anyway more drama to continue later. Just think of PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome) and you will have a wonderful front seat to observe the ongoing follies as the AC struggle to maintain control of an issue beyond their capacities. They are thinking that Dorothy is still in Kansas before the cyclone and the storm they have not prepared for makes Katrina look like a summer rain shower.

Unleash the hounds.

Haven't Got Time for the Pain

Haven't Got Time for the Pain, originally uploaded by unohuu.

going to Hotlanta soon
gonna be a rich kid tycoon.
see my mamma and take her to church
of course that is if Ms POA
does not leave us in the lurch.

freak of control and hubris
that is...plan to see what is going on.


late at night when i am alone with
my thoughts and ideas...i wonder
what God thinks about children who
do not honor mothers and fathers.
especially those who were taught to know
better.

better is all that our parents ever wanted for
their children. better schools.
better jobs, better neighbors, better
opportunites. they succeeded.

Ms POA is an attorney. her younger
brother is a minister. her estranged older
siblings are a social worker and
an international business development
specialist.

of course, as an attorney, Ms POA can't be concerned
with right and wrong. that is not better...just stupid (perhaps).
although i work with them every day, i have little
clue what goes on inside the brain of an attorney.

maybe i could ask...but then i might have to go
through the myriad questions. i think so many think
they are better by virtue of simply having attended
law school. that is not better...that is just (well you know)

Nobody Wins

Nobody Wins, originally uploaded by unohuu.

i really have not been ready to write anything. words take so much energy sometimes. and lately i have not wanted to expend that much energy. court and my job continue to take a severe emotional toll. it would not be so bad if i thought i could have some peace in my castle. some support from the people close to me. but it feels unsafe. can't do this and don't say that. guard your words with your life. this is not good for someone who all too easily keeps it bottled up inside. so the photographs have had to suffice. go visit my flickr site to see what i have been doing lately. the days are getting warmer and we can sleep with the windows open. the birds are the best alarm ever created. i like the mornings, especially when i have time alone.

can you imagine?

Draggin' the Line

Revelation - I work with people who have limitations. At times they also have personality disorders and they are not aware that their behaviors are obnoxious. Let me repeat this. Some of the clients have problems that are severe enough that they are not aware that they have problems. Scary thought. I have been on the verge of tears. I am at an all-time low of job satisfaction. I do not feel there is much protection in CP as I am writing this. Another system that is self-sustaining and monitoring. Too many mandates and too few people to accomplish this cycle-breaking work. At least I can be at peace while I watch the cruise liner sink. If we do not protect the children now, will they care for us when we are in need of protection? Good question!

themes

I have been working on this for more than a year now. I remember the first time I saw it I was using a KM-A2. A nice camera....I might have to get another one. I have since shot this lamp squiggle with the KM7D; my D70s; a rented D200 that I loved; an Mamiya 645J and maybe my 800si before I sold it.

Sometimes I think you just have to revist the images that have meaning to you. I do not yet know why this particular piece of metal means so much to me. I am ready to move on to another variation now. Maybe we adults are not all that different than children. I recall seeing The Lion King many more times than I could imagine when my daughter was 2 years old.

I have probably spent a good day of my life - yes, 24 hours or so shooting this image. I am content with what I have, but I envision coming back to see this with new photographic eyes. I guess this means I have to stash this broken lamp in the basement.

?

some people complain about everything. some people could not find solace in wining the Publisher's Clearing House (PCH) sweepstakes. You know who they are around you. They find fault in everything around them. Clarification becomes condemnation. Conversation becomes a verbal duel. No live prisoners. Each encounter is to the death. Pessimism would be an upgrade here.

Why is that? Rhetorical question, of course.

Luke

Friends

i apparently have gained an audience. someone visits often enough that i now recognize the name of the visitor. inane commentary aside, it is nice to have someone notice. of course, the visitor could just be a bot of some kind or the other, quietly making the rounds of pathetic little blogs. criterion for inclusion (or perhaps exclusion) must be sparse.

here is my story...my mother is locked away in a virtual residential prison. my sister, who claims to have POA, is her virtual warden. from all appearances so far, this is a life without parole sentence. no one in our corrupt and nepotistic court system seems to care about one little old black matriarch who raised her children during the post Cold War era in racist and sexist America. she is part of the generation that so many Boomers are waiting to die. apparently all these post Depression babies were massive frugal types. they have accumulated more wealth (homes, properties, money, securities, etc) than ever imagined. some greedy Boomers hope to access that wealth sooner rather than later.

of course, my sister, Ms POA, is in actuality is one with extensive legal training and knows the ins and outs and methodologies of the system. she knows what "magic" words to use. she knows what "magic" people to tap in to in order to get what she wants. she knows how to argue both sides of the issue. she knows how to manipulate and coerce those not versed in THE LAW. All paid for by the blood, sweat and tears of our parents. Malcolm and Martin and Bobby and Carter are sleepless in their individual nirvanas. what happened to justice? where is the freedom that was so hard won? when will the people realize that the gold is only glitter and the king has been naked for far too long. open your eyes people. read between the lines and use the God-given sense you have to say NO to all kinds of despotism. it does start in the family. this is the basic building bock of a society. i venture we can more easily know about the value of the individual in a society by seeing how the family is revered. this is more important than the last numbers seen on Friday for the Dow and Nikkei indices; more important than the GDP of any nation-state and; more important than what financial resources any one individual or collection of individuals have.

it is a microsystem. think about it...we are all on this planet together. we either resolve our petty disputes and differences or we all perish together (except those gazillionaires who can purchase space station time and off-world experiences). but who will she have to come back to after she has cannibalized her own family? get it?

Weary

there is always so very much going on...we are mega-analyzing what happened in Blacksburg, VA. so many are looking for a rational explanation for this tragedy. trying to make sense of what is senseless. do not look to blame the police department or the family. what is done is over now. we need to gently focus our energies on forgiveness and healing for the survivors. we hear about the dead, but the wounded do not make good headlines. we can all talk about the number killed before the gunman took his own life. how many of us know how many were wounded? does not make for easy sensational exploitation.

a man shows up at a federal facility and manages to get a gun through security. this is also tragic. he takes the life of one and leaves another traumatized. held captive with duct tape. must be from some place in the upper midwest. he knows the cure, the most oft used remedy for what can not simply be fixed. i am sure he is from the midwest. i know some of you wonder how i can be so cavalier about this. we have to laugh and cry sometimes. otherwise we can become them.

robbery in SinEsperanza today. started out as a simple robbery gone bad. one killed by accident...the second killed so as not to have a witness. guess the gunmen and gunwoman did not think that the GUN would make such a loud noise. even in the midst of all that someone manage to get a peak at the numbskulls who dug a deeper hole in the sidewalk. now it may take some time for them to get out. LHOP...

Hope

Hope is what we have to have in order to get through the day these days. St. Paul; a 44 year old man abandons his own 2 year old on the street and denies it when confronted. His final answer - he was tired of taking care of the kid.

A 16 year old girl stabs her new born 135 times and then dumps the body. Her final answer; it was still born. How many places are there on a new born's body that you could stab 135 times.

A jilted lover goes on a shooting rampage in Virginia. He kills quite few and injures some as well. He was angry I suppose, as I do not have the details of this story. Sordid details they have to be.

Don Imus makes the news. Do they think that we are all too dumb to think for ourselves? Do they think we enjoy the racist and misogynist drivel? He will have a new media job, probably before the ink dries on the dismissal letter. I am sure that one of the conservative talk radio stations will be glad to hire him. They have audiences that truly believe that the constitutional amendment right to free speech is as American as apple pie and will defend their right to say what they wish. Also eager to abrogate the right of free speech to those who do not agree with them.

Hubris is the word of the day. This beautifully descriptive word came to me in an email today. Look up the definition. How poignant! Exactly descriptive of the awful state of family affairs right now. How can we hoep to get through to the Junior Miss Perry Mason. How might we broach the subject of letting go? What is it that she wants from us that does not require total obedience to her wicked will? When will we be let go from the clutches of her terrific tirades? Hubris...who would have ever thought this of the Clan L...survived sharecropping, lynchings, garbage strikes, civil rights arrests, my brother's brief clash with law enforcement. We survived the trucker's strikes and my sisters working cotton fields for cash. We survived dashes down 57 in the Buick and Caddilacs. We survived the Lincoln and now the big van. We survived our mother's constant attention to our spoken word and behavior fit for the Prince and Princess of Wales. We survived church embarrassment. We survived the onslaught of wannabees after our parents were divorced. We will survive this latest debacle as well. We will always have hope.

Perspective

I finally figured out what has been eating at my craw all week long. I am working with a number of very young and very immature mothers. They have a serious sense of entitlement and seem to have forgotten their children along the way. One has three under the age of 4 and is expecting another in June. She does not anticipate any problems with the children when the new baby comes. Needless to say, I disagree with her. I am certain that there will be some normal animosity and jealousy. I know this, but do I know this because of my training or simply because of my life experience?

My mother has called me a couple of times this week. I enjoy the calls from her, and look forward to hearing her voice. The calls are a recent change as she has not either been allowed or encouraged to call. Now we are certain that she is adamant that she call. She also had a coached call from my sister. I heard her voice in the background prompting her to say thanks for returning a coat that we have had here since October.

I wonder what distinguishes this POA sister of mine from the drug and alcohol numbed minds of my clients. She is older and she did benefit from wonderful parenting. I guess this just means that our family will be the counterargument to the Nature vs Nurture debate. Maybe she is hardwired differently. Maybe she has to be the center of attention. Maybe it is because she is a middle child shadowed by brothers with very distinct and solid personalities. Maybe she feels inadequate when she compares herself to my older sister. But this really only exists in her mind. She is always welcome to call, but I can't think of anything I really have to say to her. The slander and vitriol and emotional damage is extensive. She acts and pretends as if all is well. Just like the day she graduated from high school.

This monster that has eaten my sister and cannabilized my family is amorphous now. I know that there always remains hope for success. I fear that our hope was dashed when Obi Wan was cut down by Vader. Perhaps out there is a new rising star.

First Step

i am tired and weary. i have too many irons in too many fires (take heed George). i do not have he energy to finish one thing...on top of all this i am almost broke. not broke in the sense that we don't know how we are going to pay the mortgage or buy groceries, but broke in the sense that for the first time in a long time i am living from one paycheck to the next. i am determined not to run up my credit cards (took too long before to pay them off). i have this bill and that bill and the phone bill and the satellite and kids activities and soccer and gas and you know - on and on it goes. so i will wake up tomorrow morning and put one foot in front of the other to start that long journey beginning with a first step.

Rest and quietude and hermitage.

Windows II

Windows II, originally uploaded by unohuu.

I went to see a client in St. Paul on Monday. His apartment had that odor of stale smoke. I mean an odor that reeks of unopened windows and smoke that has not been moved for days or weeks. We were talking about reunification with his 1 year old son. I have written about him before, but this time we were seriously trying to figure out why he has not purchased a crib. He has no rent for at least another month; his expenses are minimal for now. All he needs is to get a crib and he could start having overnight visits with the baby. As it is right now, he has no playpen, no safety equipment for a soon to be crawling 1 year old. He does not seem to be serious to me.

Maybe it is my middle class and overprotective social worker values. I would have bought a crib with my first paycheck. I would have had all my friends looking into their basements and attics in search of the crib. Whatever it takes so the kid could be with me.

It was the Monday following Easter and I was already in St. Paul - I headed over to the Cathedral of St. Paul. Someone was giving a tour of this grand old building. I listened and quietly clicked away, wishing I had my tripod and praying that the images would be serviceable. The stained glass windows and the saintly alcoves. The click of heels on the marble floor. Impressive amounts of material went into the building of this Cathedral.

Following my respite and soul healing there I wandered down Selby Avenue. Formerly one bastion of racial inequality and despair in the Midwest. Now this area is awash with trendy restaurants, chic condos (1BR no view $219K), and great little shops like this one here. I love wedding dresses. Something special and magical about them. Women buy them for a single wearing only. Imagine the faith a man would have to have to purchase something knowing that he might never use it again. Some fancy car he could only drive one night then have it sit in the garage and passed on to his son.

That's all.

An Unexamined Life

Socrates wrote, "An unexamined life is not worth living". But what does he mean? Does he mean that one should simply go about one's life doing as one pleases without remorse or awareness of consequences? Meaninglessness and purposelessness account for all too many lives that I see daily. Today I drove out of town to testify at a certification hearing for a fifteen year old. The County Attorney called me as a witness.

As I entered the courtroom I see his sister, mother, father and brother. While I waited in the witness room, I had an opportunity to talk with two education people who have worked with this fifteen year old. The conversation rums the gamut as we all determine why we were asked to come. This young man has robbed a convenience store but ruthlessly shot the two clerks in the store. Amazingly he left the dollar bills - taking only the $5, $10, and $20 denomination of bills. Go figure. He also brazenly looks up at the camera when he does the robbery. I do not think that he examined his life. He looked nonplussed at the goings on around him today. His attorney was rabid in his defense.

It is everyone else's fault but his. He was not provided this or that when he was young. He had some affliction or the other. So...on the way to Duluth, I had the opportunity to call my mother. Someone new answered the phone and instead of giving the phone to my mother, I was passed off to my sister.

She was blitheful in her usual way. She asked how I was doing? I am always taken aback as this happens, and I exchanged a minor pleasantry and courtesy with her. I continue to be amazed that my sister, the mighty Ms POA, can be so blissfully ignorant of what she has said that I am and what she continues to do with and to my mother daily. Is the law so bereft of wrong and right that she can become so detached from her moral compass as to be ignorant of the destruction she wreaks? I can't imagine that the founders of this country would want the law to be applied in such a manner. Justice is about something different. It is about righting wrongs; it is about restoring the peace. It has to be equal for the common person as it is for the mighty partrician.

When Socrates wrote those words so many thousand years ago, he must have envisioned a time when there would be legions of people with unexamined lives. What must we do with those who fail to stop and take the time for contemplation; for consideration; for examination of the self?

On my journey home, I had the opportunity to listen to talk radio. There are so many divisive and pompous people who spout the most awful vitriol. When will we leave partisan politics and figure out how we as a people can all rise together? Again, I fear that there are many unexamined lives at stake. Rome, Ming, England, and now the States. We will fall. Then we will have time to examine our lives, our fates, our futures. Pray that we learn quickly from our own mistakes and that we can learn equally fast from the mistakes of those that came before us as well as those who follow us.

I think, therefore I am.

Danza Sola

Danza Sola, originally uploaded by unohuu.

went to a church Palm Sunday concert tonight. this dance was but one small part of the celebration. she was just lovely and inspiring. i am not sure that i was able to capture her. this was good practice in shooting events though. i had to work on the lighting and focus on composition while paying attention to movement, etc. some of the photos were quite blurred and not artistically i would add. this one came out OK. could be better, but i would have had to have been closer.