Tulip

Tulip
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

let me summarize my week. it was AWFUL.

Dandelion

Dandelion
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

i am too tired tonight to write more than a line or two. the dandelion is a metaphor for how exhausted i feel. ready to be disembodied any moment now. trial starting in two days and i have so many documents to review. i am supposed to be refreshed though since i only recently returned from a relaxing 3 day vacation...Bluefin Bay this place is high on my list. the sounds of waves crashing against the rocks lulled me to sleep three consecutive nights. even my son noticed. i just have to go back there mentally and have that same sense of tranquility and balance back in my mind. a world where children can stay with their families, because they are not choosing "glass" over love. see you tomorrow following a bitter court hearing.

You Know Who

a few years back when i first started writing i thought i should have a nom de plum. after much consideration and looking at some of e e cummings's poems and reading some haiku i came up with the name - unohu. that has stuck with me through the popularization of the internet and now my own websites. so what does it mean? i do not know. i know that it has become part of my identity. perhaps a secret or hidden part, but part of who i am now. do my kids know who i am? no! how about my mother? nor does she! i will always be something other than unohu to her. more super secrets. who really does know us? very few people it seems. why is this? because of the rush and caustic nature of our exhausting lifestyles. our friends know that we have "little bit of the cap'n" in us, or know what our favorite beer is. most do not know who we really are. ask yourself. how much personal information has a friend recently shared with you. think about their divorce or the abortion or the embarrassing one night stand. ask them about lying in confession or how many times they have re-framed the truth so that it was not an inconvenience for them

this is what i have found out. the more you attempt to hide your real self the more evident who you are becomes. john sayles had this incredible sleeper movie, "The Brother from Another Planet". everyone in the movie project themselves onto this alien. we see what we want to see. we hear what we want to hear. many of us are in denial about what we actually feel, so we do not "know who we are".

the truth is that most of us are too lazy, self-absorbed, frightened or indifferent to ask the questions that would help us know "who you are". so that may be the reasons for so many blogs. self declaration. attempts to lay it all bare. do i know who you are? let's see!

Soccer Mom

Soccer Mom
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

i have this beautiful photograph that i am really proud of. i am fearful of showing it though, because it is an image of woman who is not my partner. i live in a semi-Victorian society that preaches beauty all day long but punishes those who simply admire the beauty. there is no statement attached to the image. it screams sensuality to me. i do not know if it moves others as it does me. that is not really important. this is a personal image. i suppose it is somehow different than thinking about Halle Berry since i have virtually (interesting word choice) no chance of actually meeting her. so here is what i like about this image. the near anonymity - the gentle sweeping curve of her neck, the sunglasses, the casual hair....it is a gestalt kind of experience for me. those that know me will not find this too unusual. probably just another form of my PECULIAR nature.

Talk

My world is filled with talkers. Everyone has something that everyone else needs to hear immediately. That means these talkers are constantly prattling on. When it is time for them to listen, they are still talking. Seldom a need for information as far as I can understand. I admit I could be more talkative. I could communicate my thoughts better. I could share those inner most (first ring maybe) feelings with others. I could but so many talkers and so few listeners make it easy to keep everything stuffed inside. I think that if some of the talkers would merely stop talking long enough the silence might get to the listeners. The deafening silence might beg for the gap to be filled with something else. What most likely will fill that silence though is the voice of one of the talkers who thought of something else that just couldn't wait.

Porsche

Porsche
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

guess this is as close as i get to the Porsche for the rest of my life. this one the kids bought for me. like all the toys they buy they have appropriated it. i had to borrow it to shoot it for a photo project. i am more and more displeased with cars and all things that cause us to live so far away from everything. there was a time when i did not own a car, and travelled by bus, cab or bike. that made going to the grocery store a form of exercise. imagine pulling into Costco now with my little trailer to haul away the megasizes of laundry detergent or snacks. of course, i lived in an apartment that walking distance to Lund's and it gave me an excuse to walk there to pick up ice cream or something. now i could stop there for Caribou coffee, but i can't imagine i would let anyone drink that in the Porsche. see i am better off already.

Hennepin Avenue Bridge

Hennepin Avenue Bridge
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

We had our last soccer practice on Wednesday evening. The kids played hard and it was quite warm here. Instead of rushing home I made a bee line for DT Minneapolis. The setting sun was racing me across the way to the west. I mananged to get this shot of the bridge that spans the Mississippi River in Minneapolis on Hennepin Avenue. I also grabbed a beautiful Medicine Lake Sunset just before I got home. It really got me thinking about what life might be like after the kids are gone. Will I have enough health to do what I like then? Will I have enough money to travel and live abroad for long periods of time? Who knows! That is still quite a few years from now. Time will answer these questions. In the mean while I can enjoy all the beautiful sunsets in my here and now - that is after the soccer and grass and yard work and stuff is done.

Pets Friends Nuisance

Gorilla_17
Originally uploaded by lemai13.

Yesterday my daughter intentionally killed a spider. I found it extremely annoying. Yes, she hates spiders, but this one was not bothering her. It was simply doing its spider thing in our house. We have an old house - built mid-50s or so. It has bugs, like ants and night crawlers and such. Our basement is attached to the garage so I have seen silverfish on occasion when it is humid. Killing the spider was a selfish act. I told her a story - truly make believe. I wanted her to pretend that she was simply going about her business of being a pre-teen. Chatting on the phone and skipping around the detritus on the floor of her room. Some much larger being stepped on her - crushing her world and everything in it, simply because it was afraid of her. I did not yell at her; I did not lecture her, but I wanted her to know that this earth does not belong to us - we belong to it.

This morning I walked around before leaving for work. The guinea pig needed water, the bird that she just had to have needed clean water and food. What no food. I call my responsible daughter on her cell phone. "I guess we are out then" is her casual response. She and her brother will be gone a couple of days - DIVORCE - but I am thinking I might have to just not work on dinner Friday night because ....Those of us who keep pets have a justifiably huge responsibility to those animals. Off my soapbox now!

contemplative

contemplative.jpg
Originally uploaded by matuko.amini.

i was looking for something, actually contemplating something when i saw this image. what is it about moments of contemplation? is contemplation possibly a form of meditation when practiced correctly? can the world's problems be solved if more of us were more contemplative? my guess is yes. we would not have the vagaries of supply side voodoo economics. we would not have gotten involved in another expensive and indefinite war half way around the world under the guise of protecting our own interests. we would not be so likely to finance stadiums for billionaires and the millionaire sport figures who beg for them. we would have more intelligent conversations rather than simple rhetoric about global warming and what our place in the natural scheme of this finite resource planet is. we could come up with solutions to fossil fuels, have smaller neighborhoods, reduced work hours, substantial food resources and a more utopian-like existence. for animals that are so smart, we spend considerable amount of time making work for ourselves. maybe our dogs and cats have it right. eat, sleep, rest in the sun, play and start all over again. we scratch away for a meager existence to do a few things that we think will make us notable or famous or productive or something virtuous _________ . I guess you have to fill in your own blank here. So contemplate these things for a few minutes. What do you want your story to look like? BTW, this is not one of my images. I borrowed this from Matuko at flickr. Go see her work. It will give you something to contemplate.

Beatrice

Beatrice
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

Those of you who know me, know how important my relationship with my mother has been over the years. Six years ago she had a kidney transplant. My sister, Carol, was the donor. During the process of harvesting my sister's kidney (actually just moments before), Beatrice had a small heart attack, her brain was deprived of oxygen for a few mintues and the transplant operation ceased. (they were able to complete the transplant a few days later). Those few minutes though have turned into a life-robbing process of shaving numerous years from her life. It really is difficult to assess this though as she had refused dialysis for the years prior to her eligibilty for the transplant.

Each year we visit the Mayo Clinic and hear that the transplanted kidney is healthy. Once we were beyond the rejection phase of three months or so, we have had to add a knee replacement for her and watched her change from the strong and independent woman to a different mother. This mother loses track of time and space. She spits vitriol at her children in her confusion. She hides other people's possessions. I understand the why this happening. It does not make it any easier. So I will be combing my photographs of Beatrice so that you can all see the mother that I have loved all these years. I hope that you can eknjoy getting to know her as much as I have loved her.

See the sparkle in her eyes.

Beatrice is and always will be a teacher. She was my first teacher and it appears that she will continue to teach me about life, even now, as I watch her drift away from me.

Brew

Brew
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

i really needed this today. today my sister (princess) and my mother left town. it was nearly a traumatic experience. i can't even really think about it too much yet as it leaves me feeling sad and morose.

Demented

 

Watching your parents become old and feeble is hard. I spent the day following a half-day at work driving to the Mayo Clinic to have a medical professional tell me what I already know deep in my soul. My mother (like her mother twenty years ago) is losing all touch with reality. I don't think she is really aware that this is happening because of the brain insult she had when she had her kidney transplant 6 years ago now. She is not oriented to time, space or place. She apparently did know that GHBush is president of the US and that she does not like him or his father. Maybe there is an emotional aspect to some of this. My mother has conversations that wander around the galaxy. She talks about her mother and told strangers on the elevator that she was on her way to visit with her. She talked about my dog being in the car with us. She talked about not wanting to be an inconvenience for any of us; she asked me why I was being so mean to her. She mentioned just moments later that she was really enjoying talking with me. She traversed half a century in moments and recalled moments from my childhood. Then she was back in the present or stopping on her way to a future that I am not privvy to.

I am the one who feels confused and worried. So we will have to have around-the-clock coverage for her once she returns to Atlanta. I spent a chunk of the afternoon searching for adult locator bracelets. Harder to find than I anticipated. GPS chips that can be injected under the skin; I think that we have that for lost pets. Maybe those are just ID chips. Bracelets, anklets, you name it. Cheap ($40) to expensive ($500). But you have to ask yourself; what price for your loved ones. 

ATM

ATM
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

I went to the ATM on my way to Rochester this morning. Mom was at the Mayo for her annual kidney checkup. it has been six years now. my sister, Jacqui, brought her up from Atlanta. Amazingly they managed to get along without killing each other yesterday. Few appointments though. it has become a ritual for my mother to become unglued shortly after she arrives here at my home...like all creatures of habit, she hates the disorientation of unfamiliar surroundings. obviously, my home is not similar to hers in any way. she lost her keys; she misplaced the TV remote (euphemism for hid it in her state of disorientation). i know those keys are here somewhere and i think i will find them before they head back to Atlanta.

ATM is because my sister, the lawyer, who is in charge of my mother's affairs, according to her, was too cheap to get parking, or buy my mother lunch today. she will reimburse herself for all the expenses and probably pay herself for the travel and accompaniment while she has been away from her legal practice.

mom again has agreed to the idea of ASSISTED LIVING. i am not sure if the RN talked her into it or my sister guided the discussion that way. what i know is that my mother will not recall agreeing to ASSISTED LIVING and there will be hell to pay with the siblings. here we go again.

Little One

Marcus w/prop
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

My own little pointdexter-like child. He would never just smile for the camera, but these glasses that he found to hide behind gave him just enough of a prop that he would allow me to capture this image. Imagine that. He loved this!

Anonymous

Anonymous
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

life is full of surprises. there are so many events and moments that we can't plan for. i have been busy the last couple of weeks. last weekend i shot my second wedding. or at least part of a wedding - just the formals after the ceremony. but even then they were in a hurry. i was so surprised that i failed to follow through with the lighting that i wanted to achieve.

this is a photo from my studio lighting class. i was pleased with the results. it was a surprise as well since my camera would not work with the radio transmitter that the others had. oh well, make lemonade when life gives you lemons. if not that, then lemon custard, or lemon pie, or lemon something. i will get to shoot again.

Reds' Rant

Reds
Originally uploaded by unohuu.

she came for a visit on Friday, before Mothers' Day. I am sure she did not know Mothers'Day was approaching, just as I am sure that she did know she was going to see her mommy. She was disappointed though, because Mommy never showed up. Not a tear was shed, nor any cry uttered. She is a trooper, perhaps all to accustomed to the stinging disappointment. I see too many of these placid and sad faces. This one makes me feel truly sad inside. I keep hoping that my work could soon come to an end. We could have better parents in our society. We could eliminate the shaming and debilitating poverty that is one factor in child abuse. We could make a dent in domestic violence and chemical dependency. We could laugh away at illiteracy. We could push racism and sexism out the door. We could do it all, but I now fear we don't care anymore. We all want Hummer H3s (the fuel efficient ones), LCD TVs, 6000 sf homes that we hardly have time to spend in because we are raging workaholics and playaholics. We do not know our neighbors. We do not care about life (except what we can immediately see and touch). We have endless arguments about stadiums and taxes. We have Democrats and Replubicans engaging in senseless rhetoric as our Rome is burning. We have global warming and instead of changing our lifestyles, we argue incessantly about who is to blame. We all are. Maybe she is somber because she is not sure she wants the inheritance that we are leaving for her.

Thoughts

I had two thoughts this morning relating to all the business in people's lives.

1st Thought: What would our lives be like if no one had ever been able to drive through a McDonald's or Burger King or KFC? What if you had to eat there or take it home? I thought about this because I was rushing off to donate blood this morning. In my business I forgot that they wanted to be certain that I had eaten something. Mickey D's; here I come. What impact might this have had on our society? What would it mean if we were not all facing the same way in the car when we started eating as we rushed from this place to that place? What would we have replaced the "car culture" with since nothing occurs in a vacuum? More importantly, what have we missed as we learn to love our cars as we do ourselves?

2nd Thought: Where are we all rushing to? Technology was meant to ease the burdens of our lives. Machines to do the grueling labor, computers to do what took so very many man and woman hours to do in the past? We have these much larger homes, and greater distances to travel regularly. We are a global community, but we often do not know our immediate physical neighbors. We have instant access to financial news, politics, scandal, and weather, but we often fail to take time to utilize the information. We are more easily able to be entertained, yet we do not seem to enjoy and are constantly craving more. Are we insatiable? How much bad news can one person absorb? How much fun can one body take before it needs something sobering? Why so much excess? Perhaps you can tell me!

Less

i am just frustrated and tired of being stuck in the middle. i was born in the middle of my siblings. i am #3 of 5. two considerable older sisters and then the last three of us all bunched together over a short period of 4 years.

i live in a totally middle class neighborhood and i am surrounded by people who have wonderful middle class values. they work hard, they play a bit, save, travel and cut their grass every weekend from May until October. i work hard throughout my week and grass and yardworks are the last thing on my mind. i do not find it meditative or relaxing. i wonder why so much emphasis on the pristine lawn that the neighbors all pour petrochemicals on for fertilization and weed-killing. we don't really spend all that much time in our yard. we play at the soccer fields and badminton practices for the kids. we ride our bikes to the park and we eat on the deck (when the mosquitos are not too bad).

have we been duped into all this middle class manic acquisition as a means to support the megaindustrialists? do any of us really need Suburbans for hauling the kids to soccer? Or our home entertainment places that we are too busy to enjoy? i am thinking smaller is better now. i am thinking getting into a small well-designed home that does not keep me captive every weekend. what happened to weekend jaunts to exciting nearby places? romantic dinners in noisy little bistros and nights of dancing and laughing over beer with friends? is this why we are almost all overweight and developing disorders that the medical professionals are only now giving names to?

less is more in a way. i will keep you posted.

i saw this posted elsewhere. i could not find a person to credit it to, but i am acknowledging that this is not mine. i do think it is great advice. you have to decide for yourself. some of it may be useful, some not. take what you need and leave the rest for someone else.

ADVICE, LIKE YOUTH, PROBABLY JUST WASTED ON THE YOUNG

June 1, 1997

Inside every adult lurks a graduation speaker dying to get out, some world-weary pundit eager to pontificate on life to young people who'd rather be Rollerblading. Most of us, alas, will never be invited to sow our words of wisdom among an audience of caps and gowns, but there's no reason we can't entertain ourselves by composing a Guide to Life for Graduates.

I encourage anyone over 26 to try this and thank you for indulging my attempt.

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97:
Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts.
Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.

a couple

 
it was nearing sunset. i was on my way home and the lighting was nearly perfect. i stopped and wandered down the path by the abandoned building. across the creek i could see a couple. she had a camera in hand and they were shooting portraits i think. when they became aware of my presence they took of in a direction that i could not easily follow. i was not really interested in them anyway. i thought this would simply be the most advantageous spot to see parts of this abandoned site that i had not previously seen. it is a site worth exploring sometime with shadows and stray light through broken and jagged windows. i was glad to know that someone else appreciates the antiquity and graffiti that i see as i pass by here regularly. 

More Tulips

More Tulips
Originally uploaded by Luke Luther.

question that comes to mind is what will these look like come Mothers' Day? what do you think?

Wake Up Everybody

worked with a couple today in my last session. they are the epitome of a relationship in trouble. they both are in tremendous pain but do not seem to hear that the mate is also in pain. no ability to listen to each other. no compassion. lots of yes, buts. the husband wants revenge and the wife simply wants a break from the constant harangue of criticism. i am not sure that either one of them heard what i had to say. i was quite distraught when i left the counseling office. it is a symptom of the rushing and doing that permeates our mindsets. we have to have this_________ and to do that_____. we must be seen here (______) and heard listening to_______ or talking with_____. you have to fill in all your own blanks here.

so right now i am listening to Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes and now Jean Luc Ponty on his electric violin.

Flowers are blooming here. My wife has tulips coming in. I love them before they bloom. See the most recent photos at Someday Studio.

tomorrow i may also have time to get to the flower gardens at Lake Harriet.

it starts with a look across a room. most of the space between that moment and the onset of hopeless disrepair is a blur. a hormone-induced and meaningful blur, but obviously not reality anyway. it feels like we are running apart from each other. i work harder at being a family guy; coming home from work and making time for my wife and kids. she works long hours and then wants to be the center of all the attention when she is available. inevitable conflict. i am supposed to shut off my feelings for my children when they leave my house each week. then we can just be a newly wed couple who have time for expensive dinners and all the stuff that she wants. i guess not bearing the children means not having to take any responsibility for them. there was a dad at soccer practice last night who was talking with his son's mother. it appeared to me that he was quite bored, just sitting there with the other soccer parents, watching their children learn to play together and grow in those little ways all to evident when you watch and talk with them regularly. i thought it was ironic that i was better able to talk to this mom than her son's father (i am guessing they were not married). see our kids go to the same school and share some of the same friends. a commonality - small but important. now i have my own wife who does not want me to invest time and energy into our children (she is the only one calling herself step-mom) and asking me to do what policymakers have already deemed to be anathema. african-american father that i am, i should simply ignore the needs of my own children because i have "another" family now. smells like jealousy to me.

Great idea

This quote I saw this morning while relaxing a bit. It is succint!

"Knowing the truth is fairly useless; feeling it is profound; living it makes all the difference."

Green

 

We are now in the middle of Spring. Tulips are coming up. Flowers are blooming. Pollen and dust are floating and blowing in the spring breezes. Days are warm and nights are pleasantly cool. Just the way I like it. It will not stay this way. We will continue to the hot and muggy summer months here. Those months I really used to enjoy but I think I will want to escape some of the summer heat here. Tempers are already short. Patience is in short supply. If it is too hot here we may have a summer of discontent. If gas prices cross the $3/gal mark before Memorial Day, there will be trouble in KC, and NYC, plenty of other places. Why me might actually start to slow down. But the machine will want to see progress and innovation (as long as innovation does not cut into huge corporate excesses and frivolous use of shareholder's net gains). After all $400 million to a retiring executive who has already robbed the coffers is a bit of excess...even in America. Who knew? 

Life

This is what happens while I observe and wait for the best parts to start. Everything seems to be working backwards from where I was a year ago. Just when I think our marriage has improved I find that I have again done something horribly wrong. This week it was taking my daughter to her therapy appointment on a day that she is not usually with me. That meant I would have to have contact with my ex since she would come pick up the kids. Well the therapy appointment time was all wrong. My son told me he was hungry; I shrugged off the inconvenience and took the kids to Pizzeria Uno; called the ex and told her to meet us there. I made the mistake of sharing my quesadillas with her. When I told my wife this she blew a gasket. It seems that the stars were all aligned and in duplicitous efforts she cancelled coming to the appointment (of her own accord); turned off her cell so I could not reach her; waited for me following the tryst with my ex and the kids and I was late because I stopped to buy some film at the camera store. I forgot to mention that only 1/2 hour earlier I had been accosted telephonically buying posterboard for a school project (again, not on my day)!

the ensuing squabble resulted in an all night harangue and me going to bed with headache. but the discussion (argument, conflagration, melee) did not stop there. i was kicked by my adoring and considerate wife because she was angry with me for refusing to continue this well into the night. i told her i simply had had enough. when the kicking became too much i rose from the bed, headed to basement and slept on the uncomfortable sofa that i hate to SIT on, let alone try to sleep on. next day, it was my fault for refusing to listen to her temperamental tirade. gotta reconsider that.

Urban Trees

These provide us with shade (homes); cool breezes (air conditioning); and fuel (eneergy for micowave, coffeemaker, etc). We all hate them in our backyard, but we consume more electricity every year. Our computers, microwave ovens, battery and small electric chargers, lights, larger TV and HES (Home Entertainment Systems); laptops, PSII, Gamecubes, VCRs, Tivo and DVRs. Well I think you get it. We are certainly reap what we have sown. More wood for larger homes that we spend less time in; not more. Bigger kitchens, bedrooms as large as 1950s era houses. 60 Minutes reported on the number of hours corporate workers spend at their jobs or connected to their jobs. Amazingly the small appliances keep us connected to the workplace, yet they do not make us more productive (efficient). We are number 4 or so on the list - right after some of those lazy Europeans who take many hours of vacation each year. What is going on? Your guess is as good as mine. But I would fathom a simple guess - we have our priorities confused.
 

Alabaster Box

we are out again. seems that i can do no right. my actions and behavior are always suspect. no explanation or discussion required. guilty as charged. we only look at my part in this debacle. it is emotionally draining. kind of like the current presidential administration. always looking for the "half-empty" glass. i recall telling someone last week that instead of looking at the quantity in the glass i am simply trying to be grateful that i have a glass and that no one is trying to destroy it or take it away from me. optimism at its best. i have my frustrating moments...right now i can't sleep and i am up writing this at 1:30 a.m. i know i have work tomorrow, but a bit of anxiety and stress is all it takes to push me over the insomniac edge. i have music as my companion.

Someone is watching!

Do we know; Do we care? 

Banquet

My plate runneth over with misery. Today I had another default TPR. That means the parent did not appear in court. Easy for me, but a sure sign that this child has been abandoned. That simple act will be a traumatic experience for this child for many years when she is able to understand what it means. Each one of these TPR trials take another piece of my soul. I have to find something positive and cathartic to replenish myself. This is actaully painful for me. I want to simply fall into a fetal posture and let the pain of all this world run out of me. Unfortunately, I am not going to do that. Yes, I know this is a benefit for the child. She will have a chance to be adopted by a family that wants her; live in a home where she is valued and loved. She can get the positive nurturing she will surely need in order to become the first female president of the USA. She will have courage and strength beyond my simple comprehension. If you say something often enough, perhaps you can move the truth in that direction. I have to believe that this is now a possibility for this little girl. See she is just 5 moths old. She was born with a bit of cocaine in her system and she may have some developmental hurdles to overcome. I have faith that nurturance can prevail against nature this time.

new dawn

the world seems to be a very sad place for me today. try as i might, i can't swim out of the blue that surrounds me. i am looking at a card on my desk right now that talks about the hope that we can all have if we simply believe. that "one small candle" is about to be extinguished in me. trouble everywhere i look. home front; tough times. work; important as ever but very dreary. i am tired but not the kind of tiredness that a good vacation will cure. this is tired of living in the cesspool of global warming, rampant corruption in business and government. i am tired of reading the paper and hearing about shootings or stabbings. i am tired of reading about the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. imagine what life would be like if we heard about the famine in Africa and the brutality of dictatorships in places our press chooses not to report from. i am tired of hearing about abortion and abortion opponents killing, lying and hurting each other. i a frustrated because we all think we are doing the right thing. we each hold a piece of the ELEPHANT sitting in our minds and living rooms. we are thoroughly convinced that the ear is the entire elephant. what happened to dialogue and discourse? when will we start listening to each other? how many more have to die or be maimed before we become unglued from our collective snobbery and realize that we share the same DNA and ultimate fate?

i can't simply be grateful that the sun is coming up each day. i am no longer happy just to have the newspaper waiting for me when i awaken from my comfortable bed. it is too much to have to see that organizations that seek to assist our less fortunate are constantly having to beg for donations. yet we can rant about our large screen TVs and ever-increasingly large homes. more and more i am seeing that more is really less. less time to commune with neighbors and friends. less time to read; less time to see a beautiful sunrise or to experience a glorious sunset. less time to smell the roses. less time to listen to the sound of one hand clapping.

i can't make the world a better place. i can make my place in the world less detrimental to the air, water and environment. i can choose organic produce and meats. i can drive one day less or maybe two. i can share my hopes for a better tomorrow (without GE). i can spend a few minutes actually seeing the person next to me as another infinitely unique individual who is deserving of the same that i want for myself.

fewer news items to hear. less toxicity and more simple joy.

the meditative muse

yesterday we Minnesotans had a chance to relive what we have cried about for months now. Winter came to visit before it ultimate seasonal departure. This time though, winter came with vengeance. It seems Old Man Winter does not like the weak and ineffective characterizations he has heard of late. OMW wants us to know that even with global warming, we can still feel his steely and icy fingers. Driving was a nightmare. It was a nightmare with beautiful scenery. Trees and practically everything else covered in snow - stop signs, license plates, windows and driveways. We good Minnesotans will certainly have something to talk about until the torrential rains start next month or perhaps until we reach our summer drought. I, for one, am glad we got a thorough dowsing of snow. It was beginning to look a we bit drab outside. Off to court soon. Perhaps I will have a happy ending to write about later today. That would be nice. Question is, whose ending to be happy?

It's Coming

The snow piles have melted. We will get more snow but we have turned the corner, being closer to Spring than Winter now. The trees will be budding. We have survived another mild winter. No horror stories here of death and freezing like in the FSU. We are blessed and yet we will not acknowledge the blessings. We look for creepy crawlers everywhere. We close our borders and wax poetically about our xenophobia, all the while ignoring how we got here. No more! 

Young Moms in Training

I work with intergenerational chronic neglect and abuse families. Although this 13 year old is not presently involved in the CP system, she could well be on her way. She lives in conditions that are not conducive to becoming an educated and productive member of our society. This baby she is holding is the daughter of her aunt. The aunt is severely developmentally delayed and has two children that she has had to "forfeit" The baby went to the aunt, who lives with this child and her three siblings; a cousin from CA; the father of her children; the developmentally delayed aunt - she also doubles as caregiver for the aunt; and whoever else happens to drop by to stay for a day or two in the apartment that no one person can afford. See no one works in this home. All are either disability eligible or part of the great increasing subsociety of children whose parents are no longer TANF eligible. The cycle continues.  

Abstracts

I work in the world of abstracts. We talk about transferring custody of children to other people. We talk about Termination of Parental Rights (TPR). We talk about foster care. Most of the people I work with in the permanency unit are too drugged; too developmentally disabled or to mentally ill to really understand the process.

I have to work with them within the context of state and federal guidelines. For the most part their lives have become so dysfunctional that most of them are not likely to "Re-gain" custody of their children. I have to remind myself of the dire consequences for TPRs and TLCs (Transfer of Legal Custody). Do not think for a minute that this Sturm and Drang does not have its own impact on me. It does. I do not sleep well
As it is, it is 2:00 a.m. and I am writing this while I listen to music on headphones. We have to walk the tightrope between what is best for kids and what is socially expedient. So now you know.

What does this have to do with the abstract photographs? You tell me!
 

What A Creep!

i am officially beginning to repeat myself. not that this is unusual. i simply do not accept responsibility for it. but this morning i woke up, got up, let the dog out, came and wrote a few minutes and went back to bed. i was tired. not physically tired but emotionally worn out. yesterday i worked with a client who has a bad relationship with what i would consider to be a creepy guy. it is further complicated by her pregnancy. the little girl she is carrying has anacephaly. very sad; not really much i could offer her beyond a listening ear and some compassion. she knows the baby will not live but she is determined to love this child for every minute she shares air and space and love with us. she is OK with all this. her problem arises because the creep has asked her to move in with him - just as friends he warns and states that he will be dating other women. he can't tell his ex or his kids that she is pregnant and is relieved that this new baby will not be an issue. wishing it away.

so where does the repetition come in? in my head i was thinking, "What a creep"? i know this is not my issue but i think that so many women have been burned by so many creepy slimy repulsive (but attractive) guys that they (maybe we) give us a bad rap. i guess it was hard to focus on her issue when my stuff was getting in the way.

i guess that i am more museful and meditative than usual. any ideas or suggestions? 

Busy

What an incredibly busy weekend. Kids have friends; they like to spend time with their friends. It started with BK asking if she could go to her GF's house to do homework. I said yes. LK then wanted to have his BF over to see a movie. Could not squeeze both of those in on Friday. But Saturday is the practice for LK and the game for BK. Girls played hard. Beat by an older team playing in the lower division. It really was not fair, but a good exercise in how coaches like to stack the odds. Our coach is a blessing. She makes sure all the girls get some play time and she always finds a positive to tell the girls about how they played. This team has a couple of hotshots though. Inner city park board team and the abilities vary greatly. Two of these girls told the coach in front of the other less-skilled girls that they want to play on another team. I explained to BK that the world is full of blowhards and she should listen to the coach instead of the bag of wind. Apparently that motivational speech worked as she was definitely more engaged on Monday in practice.

LK had his buddy over for a movie. Val took the boys to see Eight Below. Apparently one of them was more interested than the other. I think I know that JT was bored. He has a bit of attitude and ADD (my semi-professional opinion). He and LK trashed the TV room (uncharacteristic of LK) and I had to re-fold the laundry that was waiting to be put away. I told JT that he was given a freebie as I know his dad would not be pleased to hear what had happened here. Same drill for LK. I told him I was shocked that he would let his friend do this to his own house. They left here and went to see Pink Panther with MCJ (my ex-wife). Apparently this one went over bigger. Lots of laughs and a less complicated plot.

Monday...we slept late. We ate late - pancakes and syrup. We picked up SK and headed off to the Conservatory at the Como Park Zoo. The moisture in the air there is well worth the trip in. Beautiful orchids. Kids played with koi in the two ponds. We looked at flowers and felt the warming sun. Lunch with Val at Annie's Parlour, by the U of M. Hamburgers for everyone except the old guy with high cholesterol...I had the chicken noodle soup and we split some fries. They were not quite as good as I remember, but they were crispy. Maybe if we had not been there at lunchtime or if it had been a late night after some serious carousing and tippling. We cruised on over to the Weissman, only to find it closed. Monday is a holiday at most museums. I just forgot. Home to some goofy silliness and a movie and drop SK off in time to rush home and get BK ready for basketball practice. Val ran in the door just as the kids were finishing up chicken noodle soup and grilled cheese on pancetta sandwiches. Val took BK; I dropped to watched toob with LK and he fell asleep from exhaustion. I think he is having a growth spurt again.

In between all this I shot a few patriotic images. One of them I call Trail of Tears; another is Internment. It was just one of those days when I had to think about what US Presidents have done. Not to ignore the good, but to add some reality to what our usual perspective is.

Graffiti

i pass this building many times during the course of my work week. last week i shot the images in B/W. this week in color. i guess i have some more work to actually get what my mind can see. suggestions are welcome. i want to help others see the ambiguity of the graffiti and the old decrepit building and the beauty of the art that hides some of the obvious hideousness of the broken glass and rust. i do not think i am there yet. work in progress like they say.

Productions

our kids almost never "have" to do anything. perhaps it is a reaction to having to do everything when i was a child. being PK meant every play, teaching Sunday School, singing (sleeping) in the choir and too many services. sometimes i wonder if i push them to try new things - like vegetables. maybe i just think that they will develop their own tastes in their own time. the photo here is from the holiday pageant at our church. i am not so sure i could convince my pre-teen daughter to put on a cow custome. perhaps my aversion to the have-to-do is simply my way of avoiding conflict. there is already so much of that in my job; why would i want to bring it home?  

Girls

I wanted my first child to be a girl. I thought I might have the extra energy required to instill confidence and strength into her. This is my daughter. She is all girl...she hates spiders - Shreiks! She is grossed out by many things that she formerly found attractive. So I guess I accomplished what I hoped for. Girls have a complex set of emotional states that they run through periodically. I say periodically because I am not privy to the schedule. Confident vs insecure; playful vs taciturn; giggly vs miserly; happy to sad in nanoseconds. It frustrates me to no end to see the apparent confusion she experiences. I know I can "help" by simply continuing to be "available" to her. I know that most of the time I will not have a clue what I have done "right" or "wrong" in any given moment. I know that her feelings are as fragile as The Glass Menangerie.

Most importantly I know that she will most likely traverse this desert and safely arrive on the other side of this process called maturation. Mean while, I am ready for The Perfect Storm, if that is any way possible. 

Trio

Sunday afternoon I had lunch with my wife, ex-wife and an old GF. Before you start thinking we are a bunch old kinky fruitcakes, let me explain. My ex and I were friends before and after we were married. Being married to each other was not good. We have stayed casual friends since a tough divorce. Enough said. The three of us went to school together a long time ago.

The GF was someone special who stayed in contact with me through my tough growing up years. Most people do this in their teens. I waited until I was in my twenties. I could blame my highly structured and dysfunctional family, but that would be glib and cliche. Let's just say I am a product of the very environment that is overtaking this country right now. Pseudo (Neo) Conservatism. Religious fanaticism in some circles, except you can't see your own fanaticism when it stares back at you in the mirror. We all look like Ward Cleaver when the tainted waters start your delusions.

We caught up on spouses (I am the standing joke of the group since I am on number 3), jobs, kids, a long term long distance romance and the status of what we have been doing for fun- remodeling, attending kid sporting events, photography, blogging, jewelry making, watching our neighbors watch us (probably my case only).

We ate at this wonderful little hip and treny restaurant, Psycho Suzi's Motor Lounge, where you can build your own Bloody Mary. They bring you a glass of vodka and a beer chaser. You go to the Bloody Mary bar and add your own fixins'. It was entertaining.

Being the center of my own Universe, I think we should shoot for this again next year. See I will be 50! Thanks for a great afternoon. It was fun to have perspective and a glimpse of my own pending maturity. Want to know more...go visit My Ex. She is quite a good writer and you can have her point of view.

Starvation Diet

Were it not for non-Black patrons the African-American artist here in the Twin Cities will most likely starve. Imagine...artists hanging out on the freeways, little signs dangling from their necks. Will paint for food. Will act for housing. Will make you cry for lodging and a warm cup of coffee. How do I know this? I don't...it is pure speculation on my part. Last Sunday afternoon (I know it was Super Bowl Sunday) I attended a FREE event at the University of Minnesota. A memorial annual FREE event showcasing some wonderful African-American and other talented people who wanted to celebrate the life, struggles and death of Martin Luther King, Jr. Song. Dance. Community.

The audience was mostly White. It got me thinking. It is the same when I go to the award-winning theater. It is the same when I go to the museum to see a retrospective about Gordon Parks (a local connection, no less). People here (meaning many African-American people) celebrate FUBU, and Lexus and Cadillac. They do not support local artists like actors, theaters, museums and galleries. What is that all about?

Thanks

I know two of the performers on this stage, or at least, have met two of them. One is the sister of one of my also longtime friends. The bass player players his instrument weekly at my church.

This was an annual event to commemorate the birth, life and works of Rev Martin Luther King, Jr.

A Boy Like That

 
A boy like that he killed your brother....and everything he his I am, too. I had a love...and it is all that I feel...I love him...there is nothing to be wrong. 

Keyboarding

last couple of days i have been listening to music in headphones. dual purpose; listen without disturbing others, but also leaving me with clarity and allowing me to experience the emotions that some music brings on. last night it was Angelique Kidjo and Annie Lennox. listening to the music loud enough to block out the cell phone, and the desk phone and the voices on the TV. most importantly though is the need to block the voices of the screaming children in my head. why are they screaming? because crack, cocaine and meth are taking over. mothers and fathers are doing whatever they can to get the drugs. these kids can't ask the questions now, but in five or ten years they are going to want to know what they did that was so horrible that Mom and/or Dad could not love them. congenital pain. a real disability. healing - expensive; actual cost - priceless when you figure in the cost of therapy and productivity declines and relationship dysfunction. movement and rhythm and exemplification. i remember everything you said to me - Annie Lennox.

thoughts on the way to other thoughts

 

that baby is still alive. testament to the power of the human will. she will have to be hospitalized for the next 1 or 2 months, but that gives me time to come up with a winning strategy. so many tubes and probes and monitors. how much is a human life worth? who is going to pay for all this? not the mother! our society pays the price one way or the other. i have been wiped out as i think about the price we pay in misery and dysfunction.

finished reading Paulo Coelho - 11 minutes. an interesting novel about love and sex and society's perspective on the two from a non-western culture perspective. i enjoyed the read. got me thinking about how i choose to value my time. so much of our lives are devoted to maintaining status quo and position in a culture we all purport to dislike! just think about the amount of energy we could have if we simply put our energy where we say we wish could. what will historians say about US culture and our still Victorian views of sex and concomittantly our views of women (keepers of sacred sex). how many emotional/psychological problems could we eliminate from the DSM-IV if we could remove the sin from genuine sex and get rid of the stigma.

another baby in the hospital today. this little girl is only three weeks old. she needed a spinal tap because of some neurological problems. there had better be a special place in heaven for all these innocent babies born into a world of confusion, misery and abandonment. we will have to watch her as well.

a thought on global warming. what if mother nature is allowing the warming to happen to kill off a few billion of us. great way to reduce the drain on our society. i fear that the wealthy will find ways to shield themselves from the natural selection process. are we ever really above the chaos and whimsy of nature? probably not, but there are those who certainly want to increase their odds. what if they are ones nature really wants to get? what if we need to rid ourselves of those who are most dependent on the fossil fuels? USA, EU then are damned. what happens when Mexico gets to 140 in the shade and all the rustbelters that headed off to AZ and NM have to move back to the rusting belts and cross into Canada for decent weather? Polar inversion...that is a good name for it. What will we call the dessication of the plains and the food belt?

just something to think about. 

Snow!

 
it is hard to believe that we are having almost no snow here this year. i hear it is the fault of a polar inversion. the poor folks in Russia are dying because it is so cold there. we Canadians and Minnesotans are whining because we can't ice fish or ski. we had to move the Winter Carnival events off to the north where there is a skosh more cold. i guess we all just get comfortable with our own weather, regardless of how uncomfortable it may be for us. let's say the polar inversion continues through our summer. we will be melting here in the great north, and i can only imagine what California, Texas, Nevada and New Mexico might be like. of course, we could have a cold summer...that would make us extremely irritable since we think it is too short to begin with. maybe humans who live in intemperate climates are supposed to be nomadic. we could migrate between the two great camping grounds. i would have to choose somewhere across the border to the north for summers and i think New Mexico would make a good wintering place. i could still ski there and not be too unbearably miserable. of course, we slaughtered the people so we could have the land. now it is all privately owned and we would have trespassing issues. i guess there might be some employment issues as well. of course, there would be the inevitable loss of the migrating party to famine, disease, SUV crashes, etc. it was just an idea anyway. i guess i will just have to enjoy the snow.